Mixed messages from DP about ttc?

[USJApanUk]

I’m 34 and been with DP since I was 32. He's 39. We talked about kids from day one. He wanted them, I wanted them, that was on the agenda and as we developed our relationship it was what we were working towards.

at Christmas I said I wanted to start ttc this year. He said no, in a few years. I said that’s far too vague, I need to know a timeframe as I’m now mid thirties. He then said in a year, ie by this Christmas we could consider trying. By then I would be 35. I agreed.

since then, he’s repeatedly mentioned kids. The latest comment was when I came home one Saturday morning and walked into the kitchen and he said ‘just want you to know that if you came to me and said you were pregnant, I’d be really happy.’ We use contraception so he must know that’s not likely. He’s also said things over dinner like ‘if it happened now by mistake I would absolutely roll with it given my age and where we are in life.’

ive pulled him up on these comments and then he reverts to saying ‘I can’t wait for kids but just not yet.’

im finding it all really shitty and before I met him I decided I would try one last relationship and if it didn’t work I would go it alone. What would you make of this?

Discuss getting both of you tested for fertility. 34 isn't young to be wanting to start a family. Get some commitment an a timeline

There is a myth that babies can be easily created by IVF, which some people think is AID. IVF is not easy, and often is unsuccessful.

What is AID?

I don’t think our young either. I feel messed around and he clearly doesn’t take it seriously, how I’m feeling.

Artificial Insemination by Donor. It may involve IVF but is usually Intra Uterine Insemination

IVF is when the sperm and egg join before being inserted into the woman's body (test tube baby). AID is when they use the sperm from a donor (sperm donor baby etc) and insert it into the woman's uterus where it can fertilise the egg

Sorry for the crude slang, but the terms IVF and AID aren't interchangeable and it can be hurtful to hear someone imply that your partner's genetic child is not his.

IVF has quite a low success rate and is a 'journey'.

I'm not a medical person but know many people who have undergone IVF, more than once. Not all of them have children

Fertility declines in your 30s, and leaving it until 35+ before starting to try isn't great

Personally, I'd think about going it alone. You can get your eggs frozen etc but some random MNer with zero edical qualifications (me) is not the one to advise you.

And although it is a lot harder after about 34, there are many first time mothers out there who have conceived naturally in their late 30s and early 40s

Good luck

And yes I think he could be messing you about, but you don't have to let him dictate your fertility

How about you tell him he's giving you mixed messages. That you're OK with leaving it until Christmas as planned, but that if he has ANY doubts that at Christmas he's going to be ready / try to put it off, then he should speak now. It might hurt, but you could walk away now. By Christmas you will just fill strung along if he kicks further down the lane.

I'm sorry, but I think you're with a future faker.

There is no reason to wait until Christmas. He may genuinely not be ready, he may think there will be a reason he will be ready in eight months but not now or he might be stringing you along as he wants a lover but not a family. Only you will know.

After my ex strung me along I was very clear with my next boyfriend and I would have walked if a ring and a baby hadn't come along when they did.

No man is special enough to miss the chance to have the baby you want.

What are his reasons for wanting to delay? That would influence my decision. If they are genuine eg relate to career progression, study, finances then I would stick with him.
otherwise I’d be making my own plans.

Based on the info you have given I agree that he sounds like he is stringing you along. @SunshineCake1 is right. No man is special enough to prioritise over children if that’s what you really want.

It could take up to a year to get pregnant if no fertility issues. NHS won't do any tests until you've been "trying" for at least a year.
So you might be very lucky and conceive immediately or it might take quite a while. Worse still it might take longer or never happen.
Tell him you want to start now and gauge his reaction. Lots of people will never feel "ready".

He’s messing you around. Fair enough if there’s a genuine reason to delay (is there?) but he’s taking the piss by dangling the prospect in front of you with stupid childish comments like that. It’s actually quite disrespectful. He needs to be open and honest with you, he’s not treating you like an equal partner in the relationship. Have one final chat. If he’s not going to commit and preferably just crack on with it now then I’d consider your options.

If you can’t discuss this fully and rationally and adults then you aren’t ready to be parents.

He's 39 and wants to put off having kids? Does he want to be the oldest dad in the playground?

You don't have time to lose. There is surely no viable reason to wait until Christmas when your already in mid and late thirties.

I would tell him you want to start ttc NOW and if he puts you off tell him you're going it alone. I agree with the other posters who say he's a future faker. The 'I'd be happy if you fell pregnant now" is a bullshit line to keep you thinking he really does want a baby. Easy for him to say it when there's little chance of it happening.

I honestly think there should be a special place in hell for men who happily watch a woman waste her fertile.years on them and their promises.

He doesn’t want to have children.

It’s only been 2 years with him so cut your losses and move on. If you get pregnant and have his baby he will fuck about pretending to be happy for a while and then very likely leave you.

I know it feels like he’s the only man in the world but I promise you he isn’t.

Have a chat and if he doesn't very clearly state he wants children now then immediately cut your losses.

If he just agrees to having children now but isn't crystal clear then still walk as you have a high risk of ending up with a partner who won't pull his weight when you have a baby and young child.

You forget that he can get a woman pregnant until he literally drops dead of old age but your fertility doesn't last as long.

Btw if he was serious about having children then due to your age you would be engaged by now and planning your wedding or already married. All my male and female siblings, friends and acquaintances who met their partners late 20s/early 30s who both definitely wanted children did this first. The men who wanted children who tried to fuck around with the marriage issue were told by family, friends and acquaintances to get married. (There are about a handful who didn't due to complex reasons.)

Only when most of us who are female got around 37 did those of us met our partners later had children first. (Some of us who met older aren't married for financial reasons e.g. we are the higher earner.)

This man is going to completely fuck you over, and you're allowing it. He is a future faker. I'm astounded that you have gone along with all of this bullshit he's spouting.

If you want a family, you need to leave him immediately. He is playing you.

I think this man wants you in his life but on his terms. He met you when you were 32 & he was 37. You told him you wanted a family and two years later he still just stringing you along. He has not even mentioned to you about getting engaged or married.
People in your age group that are serious about a family don't wait. They get engaged/married or start trying for a baby before now.

At this stage I tell your boyfriend that since he has not asked you to marry him and won't take TTC seriously you have been left with no choice but to end things with him. Tell him at 34 you don't have time to wait for him to grow up and at 39 he want to to realise it time for him to grow up. I let his family and friends know why you decided to end things with him.

I know 2 woman who ended relationships in their early 30's with men who kept putting off marriage/kids. They are now married with kids.
One of my friends met a man at 30 and got married at 33. She did not have her 1st child till she was 40 and her 2nd child at 42.5 years. This was after trying 1st for 5 years, a number of miscarriages, tests then IVF for both kids.

Don't wait till christmas. It's time. Either you ttc now or you break up. He's had enough time and is messing with your head. You don't have time for this.

Personally if you really want kids I’d call him on it and relax your contraception. With him knowing that you are doing this. I wouldn’t make it a big deal though, say something like you think you might come off the pill (if this is what you are using) to see how you are without it/see if your periods are more regular and switch to condoms for a bit.
Its probably not the right thing to say but not everyone is comfortable (men and woman) with just a decisive ‘right let’s start trying now’ statement and approach. Instead of looking for oral commitments in words test by actions.

More worrying for me if why is marriage not being discussed first? Having a child unmarried can leave you in a very vulnerable financial position unless you are a massively high earner and can afford to raise a child even after maternity leave and the direct and indirect costs of childcare.

He sounds like he is stringing you along
No one ever feels "ready" but why this arbitrary condition of waiting until Christmas ??? I imagine you'll wait until then and he'll come up with another excuse as to why he's not "ready" or needs to wait another year ! You don't have time to waste really on someone who is just messing around

I agree that no one ever feels ready - what will change between now and Christmas that will make him be ready? What is it that is putting him off now? Can you address the root cause of his reticence?

‘by this Christmas we could consider trying’
’Consider’ means he’ll waste more of your time and make up some other bullshit. He’s just a boyfriend, so, easy to discard and move on with your life.

I think you just need to have a full on Frank conversation. He is saying one thing then the opposite. You are on the clock here. Ttc takes time, and even if successful, it takes almost a year to grow the bloody thing, so him saying "I'll be ready in a year" - well, then he should start ttc now!

One of my friends wasted years of her life with a man who talked about babies but was never quite ready . “ maybe next year” was his constant reply .
Eventually it was too late . They are still together, no DC and she is so full of regrets .
Another woman I know was also strung along for years . Late 30s , after dozens of rows, they split up ( not married , no DC) 2 years later he was married with a baby . She is still alone .
Don’t be like them.

This smacks of something too many men of your/his generation are doing - stringing along their "starter partner" wasting their fertile years only to split with them get with a younger woman and impregnate them very early in the relationship often a swift marriage too

I agree with this

No man is special enough to miss the chance to have the baby you want.

Also what kind of contraception are you on? Hormonal for some women it can take a while for regular ovulation to kick back in it can also mask the symptoms of conditions which can affect fertility like endo

HIS age is also a factor btw not only conception but quality of sperm can affect pregnancy outcome and health of the baby too

He's being an arse

It's also entirely possible he's plain lying and doesn't want children at all (this could include lying to himself)

As for his crappy surprise pregnancy comments frankly I'd be tempted to call his bluff the next time he does that and go

"Actually..."

His response will likely tell you all you need to know!

you have a high risk of ending up with a partner who won't pull his weight when you have a baby and young child.

I agree

And any rows as a result it'll be "YOU were the one pushing for kids I wasn't ready!"

Btw if he was serious about having children then due to your age you would be engaged by now and planning your wedding or already married.

A point I was about to make

What's his relationship/breakup history?

Took me 5 years to get dd that included mc, surgery, gynae treatment, periods of time when ex couldn't ttc as he was either deployed or we were advised not to ttc at certain points due to his health issues...

Very few couples I know decided to ttc, got pregnant in less than a year and it was all plain sailing. The ones where babies came along quickly were often accidental pregnancies, the rest there were various health issues at play, problems conceiving, problems staying pregnant, difficult pregnancies and births, baby's health issues...

Plus quite honestly at 39 he IS getting older as are you. I still ended up having dd in my 20's but the early baby stages are KNACKERING! I honestly don't know how people having babies in their 40's do it! I'm 49 now and among my friends and family the ones that didn't have babies until their 40's mainly were having conception/pregnancy issues for years. Once baby is here much as they love and want them they are exhausted! Some 40-somethings may be very fit and energetic enough to comfortably deal with that but I reckon the majority would have coped better being parents younger.

It also means being older grandparents too, or even as I've seen in some cases not living to see the grandkids born.

There are pros and cons to all ages of parenthood but personally I think there's a reason biology errs towards fertility and pregnancy healthy usually being better in 20's and early 30's.

What is going to change between now and Christmas? Does he want to have one last summer reliving his youth?!

From what you've said I'd proceed with caution. I wouldn't have much confidence in him keeping his word

If he still strings you along after Christmas I'd look at going separate ways