Mixed messages from DP about ttc?

[USJApanUk]

I’m 34 and been with DP since I was 32. He's 39. We talked about kids from day one. He wanted them, I wanted them, that was on the agenda and as we developed our relationship it was what we were working towards.

at Christmas I said I wanted to start ttc this year. He said no, in a few years. I said that’s far too vague, I need to know a timeframe as I’m now mid thirties. He then said in a year, ie by this Christmas we could consider trying. By then I would be 35. I agreed.

since then, he’s repeatedly mentioned kids. The latest comment was when I came home one Saturday morning and walked into the kitchen and he said ‘just want you to know that if you came to me and said you were pregnant, I’d be really happy.’ We use contraception so he must know that’s not likely. He’s also said things over dinner like ‘if it happened now by mistake I would absolutely roll with it given my age and where we are in life.’

ive pulled him up on these comments and then he reverts to saying ‘I can’t wait for kids but just not yet.’

im finding it all really shitty and before I met him I decided I would try one last relationship and if it didn’t work I would go it alone. What would you make of this?

Just to go against the tide here, I don't think he's being particularly unreasonable. He has (with prompting admittedly) given a clear timeline for when he thinks he'll feel ready, which by the sounds of it is a fair compromise as you would have said sooner and he would have said longer. You've only been together a couple of years, which is really not a long time to feel absolutely sure that you want kids with someone in my personal opinion. Obviously your age means it feels more pressing, which is fair enough, but to me, the comments he's making suggests that he's getting his head round the idea and getting ready to go for it. Not all men are future fakers or dickheads, some may want the same things you do but just not at the exact same time.

I agree with the previous poster who said you should "check in" about the end of the year still being the right time, and if for any reason he puts it off again then you need to think about moving on, but I think it would be extremely premature to walk away from the relationship at this point. Yes you're 34 but an extra seven or eight months is unlikely to be the deal-breaker on you having kids or not, and at the moment you have a time to TTC agreed which I can't see you have any clear reason not to think he's serious about.

I think you have three options to consider and all will present different challenges:

1. Stop your contraception (notifying DP of course) and the start ttc at Christmas as agreed. Remind DP it can take a LONG time to get pregnant and there is no guarantee you'd be pregnant in January 2023 immediately anyway. Downside- months wasted if he refuses at Christmas to get the ball rolling, he sounds a tad useless so if you end up with a baby, he may potentially leave you to do all the childcare or maybe leave you if he felt it was a poor decision after all to conceive. On the upside, you said you'd go it alone anyway so atleast you'd have the baby you want and know the father, plus it's free compared to fertility treatments.

1. Leave him as your values and timeline don't seem to align anyway and find someone new. Downside- time pressure of new relationship and repeating this cycle of "when should we ttc"

1. Go it alone and use fertility treatments. Perhaps have a consultation with a clinic before deciding on option 2 or 3! Downside- VERY costly, I believe there are sperm donation shortages (could be wrong, just going from hearsay as I've also recently had IVF but not sperm donor), can be very time consuming as not all attempts work first time plus clinic waiting times even when going private, no long term partner to share DC with unless of course you meet someone later.

You are in a very difficult position and hopefully some of the suggestions on Mumsnet will help guide you to a confident decision.