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Original poster

Messaging frequency... How often do you and your bf message?

42 replies

Oopsiedaisyy · 29/04/2022 15:14

Stressed, and not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Meeting up tonight, quick chat before 7 am this morning, he's not been online since or replied. Working all day. Would you worry?

Other times, do chat sometimes during day, sometimes not from afternoon to next morning... Would this annoy you?

How often is standard to chat?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/04/2022 15:18

There is no standard, OP. Looking for an external set of rules and standards like this is a surefire way to land yourself with trying to be happy with things you're just not happy about. You are the one who gets to set what's standard for you. Some people like contact every hour or two. Others every day or two. Others every week or two.

Find someone who likes the same level of contact as you, rather than trying to work out if you're being unusual to feel unhappy. Work from the basis that you're hardly ever unusual, and anyone who loves you will appreciate the times you are as a quirk, so you'll never have to feel bad/wrong about it.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/04/2022 15:19

Really? He's at work, what do you expect?

Original poster
Oopsiedaisyy · 29/04/2022 15:30

AryaStarkWolf · 29/04/2022 15:19

Really? He's at work, what do you expect?

Yup, this is the sanity I was looking for.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/04/2022 15:30

AryaStarkWolf · 29/04/2022 15:19

Really? He's at work, what do you expect?

That's harsh. Many people (myself included) are in regular contact with their partner throughout the day, even when working. Unless he has a job where he can't text during the day, there's no reason why he wouldn't, especially considering that he must get breaks.

axolotlfloof · 29/04/2022 15:34

We are only in contact during the working day for practical reasons eg buy bread etc

AryaStarkWolf · 29/04/2022 15:35

Watchkeys · 29/04/2022 15:30

That's harsh. Many people (myself included) are in regular contact with their partner throughout the day, even when working. Unless he has a job where he can't text during the day, there's no reason why he wouldn't, especially considering that he must get breaks.

Show quote history

My post wasn't harsh at all. He's clearly busy at work, she only spoke to him a few hours ago

Watchkeys · 29/04/2022 15:37

AryaStarkWolf · 29/04/2022 15:35

My post wasn't harsh at all. He's clearly busy at work, she only spoke to him a few hours ago

Show quote history

He's not 'clearly busy at work'. He's working. It doesn't mean he can't text, necessarily. You're conflating things that don't necessarily conflate.

OP, does he always go radio silent when he's working, or is this new?

Original poster
Oopsiedaisyy · 29/04/2022 15:39

He can go silent with work. I'm being overly anxious I think, but more that he's run into a ditch somewhere than ghosting.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 29/04/2022 15:41

Does he know you get anxious like this sometimes?

daisychain01 · 29/04/2022 15:44

Don't you have enough going on in your own life OP? You seem worryingly needy to expect him to text you constantly when he's at work.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/04/2022 15:45

Watchkeys · 29/04/2022 15:37

He's not 'clearly busy at work'. He's working. It doesn't mean he can't text, necessarily. You're conflating things that don't necessarily conflate.

OP, does he always go radio silent when he's working, or is this new?

Show quote history

You're not helping the OP by acting like her BF is unreasonable for not texting while he's at work you know.

StrangeCondition · 29/04/2022 15:47

I never text my partner when at work because I'm busy, it doesn't mean anything

TheRossatron · 29/04/2022 15:59

Fuck me if my boyfriend got annoyed that I didn't contact him for 8 hours I'd be 🏃‍♀️

Watchkeys · 29/04/2022 16:00

@AryaStarkWolf

You're not helping the OP by acting like her BF is unreasonable for not texting while he's at work you know

Thanks for your expert analysis of my posts. Much appreciated.

BlitheRobin · 29/04/2022 16:02

I'd feel smothered being expected to text during the day after already having spoken. Unless it's something urgent.

It would have been a red flag in previous relationships if someone complained about something like this to me - doesn't sound like you have complained.

Pebbledashery · 29/04/2022 16:02

I think you're a bit needy to be asking this..
He's at work.
I couldn't get annoyed about that, you've heard from him and no doubt you'll hear from him after work too.
Perhaps do more with your day OP.

JorisBonson · 29/04/2022 16:05

He's not being unreasonable. He's at work. DH and I rarely speak in the day (unless there's something to speak about)- he does 12 hour shifts and I don't have my phone at work.

Watchkeys · 29/04/2022 16:06

I think you're a bit needy to be asking this

Yes, but many people wouldn't think that. There's no 'correct' level of neediness. We all just have to choose people who have compatible levels of neediness/contact requirements, rather than trying to change our feelings to match someone we're not compatible with.

We can't change our feelings anyway. If you like contact every few hours, that's what you like. You can't make yourself like something different, any more than you can make yourself like brussel sprouts.

Keepitonthedownlow · 29/04/2022 16:07

We only text/speak every 2nd day. Both have jobs and kids.

Furrbabymama87 · 29/04/2022 16:09

Husband messages when he's at work and a few times throughout the day asking how me and the kids are. Maybe a but more if he's got something interesting to tell me, or vice versa.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/04/2022 16:13

Watchkeys · 29/04/2022 16:00

@AryaStarkWolf

You're not helping the OP by acting like her BF is unreasonable for not texting while he's at work you know

Thanks for your expert analysis of my posts. Much appreciated.

Glad to be of service 👌

bloodywhitecat · 29/04/2022 16:17

DH and I used to chat through the day via WhatsApp, sometimes he'd ring for a chat too. I still message him at least once a week now which is daft as he died in Feb, I messaged him last night to tell him our hedgehog was back (he'd be delighted to know that, he loved our hoggie friend).

I think it depends on what's normal for your relationship, once we settled down together we didn't text as much as we did in the early days but it was still a norm for us to message through the day.

Watchkeys · 29/04/2022 16:21

I think it depends on what's normal for your relationship

Exactly, @bloodywhitecat . There's no external locus of evaluation.

That's sweet about your husband and the hoggie Flowers

Original poster
Oopsiedaisyy · 29/04/2022 16:22

It's good to see the range of replies, I think it's definitely one of those things where people have differing expectations.

My ex was a constant messager, even now we speak quite a bit daily.

Well, he's alive, and had run out of data, hence silence.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oopsiedaisyy · 29/04/2022 16:23

bloodywhitecat · 29/04/2022 16:17

DH and I used to chat through the day via WhatsApp, sometimes he'd ring for a chat too. I still message him at least once a week now which is daft as he died in Feb, I messaged him last night to tell him our hedgehog was back (he'd be delighted to know that, he loved our hoggie friend).

I think it depends on what's normal for your relationship, once we settled down together we didn't text as much as we did in the early days but it was still a norm for us to message through the day.

I'm so sorry for your loss

OP posts:
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