Need help sorting out what's happening in relationship.

[vendelay]

Hello everyone! I've lived with my partner who's 30 years old for a bit more than a year now. I'm 35 myself. We've had quite some arguing over the time we've lived together and while arguments are normal we both have a bit unsound ways to cope with it and have agreed to actively work on it. I do feel that I am being the more active one when it comes to that though.

Yesterday we had some stuff to deal with and previous issue to resolve. He had planned to game on his PC and I said I think it's more important that we solve our argument, he refused and did his gaming time. By the time it was done it was around midnight and I was tired and wanted to go sleep. He wanted to start resolving the issue then and I said that i won't put myself in that situation where I can't control what I say due to me being tired. That he chose his priority earlier when we were both still fit to talk.

He started discussing anyway and I asked him to please respect my wishes and let me sleep. He then said he would leave and go to his parents. Usually I would try to stop him but I just said that fine, if he wants to solve problems that way then be my guest and leave. I think he wanted me to start arguing it. He took his pc and left when I didn't. Haven't spoken to him since. I don't know what to do, he picks up and leaves me here alone with my thoughts and I just don't think it's ok. He's done it 4 times I think during the last year. I don't want to play along anymore, why should I stop a grown man from leaving?

Grateful for any advice.
/V

How did he persuade you to take him back on these previous occasions?.

Do not take him back under any circumstances. He's a manchild and not relationship material. He does not care for any boundary you care to set him and ignores it. He is not interested in working on anything; he is more interested in gaming to the exclusion of your relationship. Let him go permanently and rebuild your life and self worth without him in it.

I'm unsure what to tell him. It gets a bit complicated cause he's on the lease on his own. Been meaning to get it fixed but then didn't get to it. My daughter lives with us full time and getting an apartment here is just about impossible. Maybe I be sneaky and get my name on the lease, just to be safe. I can't really afford this city apartment on my own though, I'm on sick leave since a year back.

You are stating you are not currently named on the lease document so he is the sole lessee?.

If you are in the UK I would suggest you contact Shelter as a matter of urgency.

I would need my name on the lease, cause then I will if it came to it be seen as the one who needed it more cause I have a child who goes to school here. That would require me to get along with him for a bit. Another problem is I am in love with him, though these issues have been getting more frequent and I haven't really had time to recover between them so I've started to see him in another light. I ofc would like him to shape up but he doesn't own his shit and I dont see him doing it anytime soon. He whines about me embroidering alot atm but same time choses games when we have problems to solve. So his hobby is a real hobby but mine is in the way of "love".

Yes he's on the lease on his own. I'm not in UK but we do have municipal resources I think I will contact them next week. Me and daughter are registered on the adress but laws here are to his advantage since he had the apartment before us moving in, so would require my name on the lease and I can get priority.

I don't want to play along anymore

Then don't. You don't have a relationship issue if you don't actually want the relationship anyway. You're having a tenancy issue. Be careful not to conflate the two.

I mean, I do want the relationship, but not the way it is now. I want the relationship that he paints for me in his big big words. He's talking of himself like this mans man and how he's so honest, loyal and upfront and how he loves me and would do anyhing for me. It's confusing to me, I'm naive in some ways and take people on their word. I'm not the easiest to live with either with quite severe ADHD, so I'm scared I'm being too harsh since I can be a dick too, but I don't leave like that. And I don't paint unreal images of myself and present like truth.

Stay away from people who confuse you and make you question yourself. Best boundaries lesson you'll ever get, that.

I mean, I do want the relationship, but not the way it is now. I want the relationship that he paints for me in his big big words

Yeah, that one's not available. It's this, or leave. I would suggest leaving sounds the better option

Well so this is how he is and how we will be. His time is his own, yours is to be dedicated to him and if you don’t, you are the problem.
Doesn’t seem fair does it? That’s because it’s not.

Up to you to decide whether you want to live with someone who is so selfish and demanding.

It makes me so sad that it's like this. We have such great times too, never had such feeling of intimacy and great sex with anyone before.

I wonder too what you think of this: I had to repeat myself several times before he answered me/or he didn't hear me at all the other night, many times, he was playing on the PC, I was too on my own pc. When I went to bed and he came to say good night I just told him straight up that "It makes me feel unimportant when I have to repeat myself so many times before you hear what I say". For me that was that, I just wanted it said cause we've agreed to voice emotions not to make them grow.

Next day (that was yday)I noticed something was off with him but when I ask what's up he says everything's fine and goes to work. He usually messages me little cute things or whatever small stuff during the day but doesn't, so in afternoon I repeat and ask if he's sure that everything's ok, cause I notice he's not as he usually is. He again says he's fine. But he's acting totally off. So I tell him I want us to deal with this when he gets home. I tell him that I don't appreciate being treated disrespectfuly, that if he has an issue he should give me the respect of telling me. He doesn't have to write me or whatever, but then tell me he's not in the mood and we'll speak later instead of me feelnig all gaslighted noticing something is wrong and him denying it. He says "he just didn't feel like writing me". and that I should have adressed what happened the evening before, even though it was him that obviously had an issue with it + then didn't tell it to me. Is this reasonable behaviour?

So you and your daughter moved into his place? If you want to break up then it is you two who move out and find another place. Dating isn't meant to be a vehicle to take apartments from people.

A man / woman is never a plan. You are an adult and financially responsible for yourself and your daughter. Move to somewhere you can afford. Staying with someone to take advantage of their housing or finances or resources is never a good plan.

You have been with him just a year. You argue and break up. You already live with him with your daughter....

A lot of bad decisions in this one.

This relationship will drain you. Now you are living together you are seeing the real him.

It isn't going to get better as you've agreed to talk and he just refuses,unless it's on his terms.

The quality of a relationship is defined by the ability to resolve conflicts. At 30 he won't change

I tell him that I don't appreciate being treated disrespectfuly, that if he has an issue he should give me the respect of telling me

Walk away from anyone you have to tell to respect you.

You're being disrespected and looking to see if you're at fault. How can you be? Do you think you made him disrespect you?

Midlife we have been together a year longer than that, we moved in together a year ago though. We each had our own apartments before that, though we basically stayed at mine most of the time before we decided to move in here cause it was more convenient and my daughter had to apply to upper secondary school and then took the chance to do it here. Tbh, I don't agree with you. It's not like I forced myself into this place, and I pay my share of our costs. It's not fair I am not on the lease. It's our home too, all our things are here.

@Watchkeys I am grateful for the feedback. Thing is I was in an extremely abusive relationship in my early 20's, and I've not been in any relationship from then until now cause I got so badly hurt. It was extreme gaslighting, stalking, lying, everything, so I can still get confused regarding how people are to me and what it means. I usually take responsibility for everything. I get stuck between it being my fault and NOT wanting to take shit from anyone. I believe i deserve respect, but I can become unsure if it's disrespect and I doubt if what I asking is too much cause he says often that I want him to be perfect and ask too much of him.

so I can still get confused regarding how people are to me and what it means

Nothing 'means' anything. It's not a language you're struggling to learn to speak. If it feels good, stay. If it feels bad. leave. It doesn't matter if you're 'right' or not. Unless you want to spend your old age thinking 'Well, I felt shit all my life, but I was wrong to, so I'm glad I kept it up.'

Self respect is simply respecting your own feelings. Don't worry about changing yourself or your responses to seem 'right' to other people. Change your people so that your feelings are right for you.

I doubt if what I asking is too much cause he says often that I want him to be perfect and ask too much of him

There is no 'too much'. If what you want is too much for him then that's incompatibility. He's saying to you 'It's too much effort for me to give you what you want.' That's not an attitude you want to live with. Is it?

yeah. I feel that what I ask of him is basic, for me. I don't expect perfection, I do expect ownership, honesty and effort to improve and change. He doesn't help himself. I don't get it how you love someone as he claims to do yet acts like that. Maybe it's possible? I dunno. Hasn't even read a single article about ADHD even though it affects how I function on the deepest level and through that us.

with that I mean ownership of ones own problems and issues! not of someone else ofc

I don't get it how you love someone as he claims to do yet acts like that. Maybe it's possible

It doesn't matter. It doesn't fit with you and with your views and your feelings. Respect yourself. How you feel is how you feel, and you have every right to, even if the entire world says you're a loon. If you feel you're right, then you are right for you, and there's nobody else you need to be right for, except the law, and any legal contracts you've signed.

You’re asking for some basic respect and for him to talk about important issues at a time when you’re both able to deal with it. That’s not too much.

He sounds a lot like my XP and I got a lot of useful advice from the Gottman Institute. They talk a lot about marriage but of course it’s useful for any relationship. Have a read about the 4 Horsemen that signify the likely outcome of your relationship, along with the articles about making “bids”. I also remember reading (in The Chimp Paradox I think) that you should never discuss big issues after 11pm as that is chimps’ playtime and you will end up arguing! That did avoid quite a lot of conflict for us when we remembered to stick to it, but ultimately my ex wasn’t able to show me respect, despite saying all the right words, much like yours appears to be doing.

Hasn't even read a single article about ADHD even though it affects how I function on the deepest level and through that us.

this rings a bell too. I read up about my ex’s medical condition and all sorts of things that might help. He didn’t seem to understand the first thing about mine and certainly didn’t give a shit when menopause reared it’s head, just used it as another stick to beat me with now that periods were off the table. Dick head.

He's showing you a fundamental lack of care and respect. I know you love him and the sex is great, but what does that even mean without respect?