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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn't want sex

37 replies

justpassmethecake · 29/04/2022 09:07

Hi ladies,
I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months, he's an amazing guy, he's thoughtful, kind basically everything I could ever wish for, but there's one thing that's really bugging me. We don't have sex 🤷🏼‍♀️
He's 43, I'm 36, we've both got children and we see each other twice a week, which suits me as I like my space.
I don't expect to be at it like rabbits, he works hard and I know it takes a lot out of him, but in 18 months we've only had sex about 4 times (which didn't actually last very long).
We do other things, but never actually have sex.
I'm beginning to get paranoid that it's down to my weight. I'm a size 18/20 and I know his exes have been a lot slimmer than me.
I know that on the one day I go round to his, it will involve me doing stuff to him, which I don't mind, but I don't actually get anything back, which then makes me feel deflated.
I don't expect sex all the time, but I'm struggling with the lack of intimacy, and I suffer with anxiety anyway, so I keep thinking it must be down to me.
I've previously been in a relationship with a narcissist, my self esteem is quite low, and this isn't helping.
I could happily be with him, and not have sex again, but it's the not knowing whether I'm the problem that I can't get out of my mind.
I know the only way I'm going to get answers is to ask him, but I just can't bring myself to bring the topic up.
He is honestly the perfect man, I know he isn't cheating on me, so that's definitely not the reason.
My paranoid mind goes into overdrive, even when we're watching TV and a slim blonde comes on wearing barely next to nothing, I'm sitting there wondering whether he'd have sex with me if I looked like that.

OP posts:

MermaidEyes · 29/04/2022 09:10

The fact that you do stuff for him and get nothing back - I'd have been long gone. The guy's selfish. It will never get any better.

IsDaveThere · 29/04/2022 09:10

So you go round to his, he gets a blowjob but you get nothing in return, is that what you mean? If so, that's not on.

You really need to talk to him about this otherwise nothing will ever change. Some people do have lower sex drives than others, but 4 times in 18 months is crap and I wouldn't put up with that.

I doubt it is anything to do with your size otherwise he wouldn't be with you at all so it's defnitely not you, it's him!!

Hiddenvoice · 29/04/2022 09:13

This is a tough one, there’s definitely an imbalance as you’re not getting anything from him but he’s getting something from you.
You’ve said your self esteem has been impacted by your previous relationship. I think this is something you need to work on, can you speak to anyone about it? You deserve so much but you also deserve to be happy with yourself and I think you’ll always worry about your looks and compare yourself, until you feel a bit happier within.
Sorry but you’ll need to speak to him about it. From experience, yes guys get tired but if they are in the mood then tiredness somehow goes out the window! Next time you see him and do stuff together, in a fun/flirty way ask what he’s going to do to you and see if that will spark things up. If it doesn’t then next time just ask him honestly what is going on. You don’t deserve to stay in a sexless relationship. I know he can make you happy in other ways but you’ll always feel insecure and worried about your looks if it continues.

Pesimistic · 29/04/2022 09:16

I think you've answered your own question I a round about way, you say your self esteem is low, and you continue to satisfy him sexualy and get nothing back in return, you need to realise that this situation isn't going to get better if you don't change what's happening. You should be being forfilled in the relationship too, currently you are not and are being left to feel like it's you that's the problem, it's not, it's because he's taking advantage of you, you have to ask your self if he truly cared would he want you to feel this way? Would he want to please you sexualy? At the moment he's getting all the rewards for very little work.

theleafandnotthetree · 29/04/2022 09:25

I'm seperated with two children, am 48 myself with a late 50s boyfriend and without wanting to make you feel bad, have great sex usually multiple times when we meet. No way would I want or put up with what you have. I have plenty of friends and hobbies and people to spend time with, what I want is someone who I want and who wants me and that we act on that frequently and I'm not really prepared to compromise on that. What you describe is both self esteem and soul destroying. You have nothing to lose by confronting this because any relationship that makes you feel less than or inadequate in such a fundamental way doesn't and shouldn't have a future anyway.

Overthewine · 29/04/2022 09:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Shoxfordian · 29/04/2022 09:28

The perfect man cares about your orgasm
He isn’t perfect

hopefulsunshine11 · 29/04/2022 09:29

Sorry but that really isn't normal. I think you need to just be brave and speak to him about it. He sounds very selfish, unless there is a problem he is embarrassed about. You can't go on or it'll eat away at you and cause further tension down the line.

KangarooKenny · 29/04/2022 09:31

Walk away now.
Im assuming he can get an erection and ejaculate, he’s just not doing it to you ?

girlmom21 · 29/04/2022 09:39

If you can cope without it just stop giving him anything.

Or the next time he instigates you giving him a blowjob ask him when it's your turn.

Jessejuice · 29/04/2022 09:39

It's definitely not related to size this should not be an issue if your into each other and is totally irrelevant.
You need to have a good chat with him, I'm thinking if your unhappy with this expect of the relationship now then it's not going to change unless he does. Life's to short to be unhappy.Whats the sex like when you do get it?

Original poster

justpassmethecake · 29/04/2022 10:14

Jessejuice it's still like in the awkward stage, as I suppose it is as we don't do it very often 🙈 It doesn't usually last long, so I'm guessing it's either my weight, or he's paranoid because he comes too quick.
Not sure how to word it without sounding vulgar, but one day a week it will be mutual masturbation, but the second day it isn't 🙈
I know if I ask him direct if its to do with my weight, he would say no, as he would be too polite to say so.

OP posts:

theleafandnotthetree · 29/04/2022 10:42

justpassmethecake · 29/04/2022 10:14

No reason at all to bring your weight into it, you are putting all this on yourself when you really shouldn't be. Your sex life with him is unsatisfactory for YOU, that's where the focus should lie. All this guessing is no good as inevitably for someone with low self esteem, your guesses are finding fault at your end. There is a chance I suppose that it is your weight, but then why is he going out with you at all? This is early enough days, he has no obligation to you so if he doesn't fancy you then surely he wouldn't be going out with you. Stop the guessing game and start talking. If he simply is someone with a low sex drive or issues with premature ejaculation or similar regardless of partner then you can make decisions as to whether the rest is good enough. At the moment you are turning this into a referendum on your attractiveness which is doing you no good.

PriestessofPing · 29/04/2022 10:49

It’s so sad that you are immediately thinking it’s about you and your weight rather than being pissed off that he is a selfish lover. He’s not the perfect man because he’s perfectly happy to let you essentially service him (or yourself) and give nothing back. Four times in your entire relationship is crazy, and i’d assume it does point to some sort of issue with PE or ED if he’s finished so fast each time.

It’s also not a healthy relationship if you can’t discuss sex with him. Communication is so important when it comes to sex and intimacy generally.

What makes you think he is so perfect? Do you see him as better than you or something?

YRGAM · 29/04/2022 12:30

I agree you have to talk to him about it. Not communicating about intimacy issues is a recipe for big trouble. Good luck

AMindOfMyOwn · 29/04/2022 12:37

justpassmethecake · 29/04/2022 10:14

Why do you think it’s down to you?

What about he has issues with premature ejaculation? Watches porn too much? Is asexual etc…..

If he had that much issue with you/your weight, I’d expect him to have moved in by now. As he hasn’t, I’m suspect he thinks it’s his fault/responsibility and is hoping you don’t mind the no sex.

The big issue though is the fact he hasn’t raised the issue (and nor have you tbh) and seems to be hoping things will be ok Wo talking about ‘the issue’

Catlover1970 · 29/04/2022 13:16

It’s him who is the issue not you . This will never improve . Also he sounds very selfish!!!!

springtimeishereagain · 29/04/2022 13:22

Why would you put up with this? If he wants a blow job then he clearly likes sex, is horny, has no ED - he's just selfish.

Talk to him! Tell him what you want. But he really shouldn't have to be told. He's just selfish.

PonyPatter44 · 29/04/2022 13:32

Are you worried about talking to him in case he thinks you're becoming a "difficult woman" and dumps you?

I am the same size as you, and my DP can't keep his hands off me. You know its not about your size - if he wasn't into curvier women, he wouldn't be with you at all. The problem is that he is very selfish sexually. If he knows he has a problem with sex, he should be making a huge effort to ensure you are satisfied first!

Siameasy · 29/04/2022 16:30

I had a bloke like this. I wasn’t fat-it’s not you it’s him. It’s not normal. Men are pretty obsessed with sex and you can find one who is gagging for it with you. That’s how it should be.

Watchkeys · 29/04/2022 17:51

You've got no intimacy. You don't get what you want, you can't talk about it.

Leave relationships that don't give you what you want.

Moser85 · 29/04/2022 17:54

There's no way that this is down to your size.

There is a risk that if prompted he will say that it's that, because the issue is clearly his issue and often men are absolutely mortified by this kind of stuff so rather than being truthful they lie and say it's something to do with their partner.

Melsuleenia · 30/04/2022 00:43

Oh yeah...had one of these before!

What you may find is that (hard whisper) They are not that good in bed. No staying power. Atrocious.

They do very much like the sucky sucky though....

BensonStabler · 30/04/2022 02:16

As someone who has been unlucky enough to have been in two relationships with narcs…

Please do not settle for less because he is great in other ways ie. that are nice and not abusive. You have been through so much, and it changes you, but remind yourself you deserve more and to be happy and fulfilled completely.

These narcissistic assholes do such a number on people and erode our self worth and esteem. We tend to lower our bar because they are anywhere as bad as “him”. That strategy is actually what got me staying too long into the second horror relationship. As my first was both physically and emotionally abusive. The second actually turned out to be worse with just the worst emotional abuse and coersive control. He tricked me as he tried to appear so nice and normal for much longer before he slipped into his true self.

As a broken soul, after these relationships i did as you are and settled. I convinced myself to give a chance with a sweet male friend i had known for years, he was lovely and so keen on me but i had zero chemistry and the sex was icky. my gut feeling felt ill at the experience of being intimate with him, but my head kept telling me how nice and genuine he was and he treated me in the best ways with so much love and respect, and that i couldn’t get a better guy, so I put up with that and tried to bury my true feelings. It wasn’t fair on either of us. Luckily i finally seen the light fairy early and ended things.

I would have a very honest talk with your partner, and unless there is some completely understandable or temporary reason, and after talking with him about your needs he doesn’t change for the better longer term, please find the courage to leave. Otherwise you will throw away many years before it wears you down and you finally realise you can’t bare this.

I think it would benefit you to get some therapy for your past abuse. I know there is a lack in those services on the NHS. There are great sources online, but I can personally recommend on youtube a channel by Doctor Ramani who is an incredible Psychologist and an expert on narc abuse and helping you heal and set boundaries. She is life changing and i cannot recommended her highly enough.

Shedcity · 30/04/2022 03:05

Sounds like he’s both terrible and selfish in bed. You can’t talk to him about it
and so for some reason you’re internalising it and making it about your weight. Even though all other signs point to that not being the case.

why are you determined to make this your problem, rather than just seeing this man for what he is

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