Boyfriend doesn't want sex

[justpassmethecake]

Hi ladies,
I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months, he's an amazing guy, he's thoughtful, kind basically everything I could ever wish for, but there's one thing that's really bugging me. We don't have sex 🤷🏼‍♀️
He's 43, I'm 36, we've both got children and we see each other twice a week, which suits me as I like my space.
I don't expect to be at it like rabbits, he works hard and I know it takes a lot out of him, but in 18 months we've only had sex about 4 times (which didn't actually last very long).
We do other things, but never actually have sex.
I'm beginning to get paranoid that it's down to my weight. I'm a size 18/20 and I know his exes have been a lot slimmer than me.
I know that on the one day I go round to his, it will involve me doing stuff to him, which I don't mind, but I don't actually get anything back, which then makes me feel deflated.
I don't expect sex all the time, but I'm struggling with the lack of intimacy, and I suffer with anxiety anyway, so I keep thinking it must be down to me.
I've previously been in a relationship with a narcissist, my self esteem is quite low, and this isn't helping.
I could happily be with him, and not have sex again, but it's the not knowing whether I'm the problem that I can't get out of my mind.
I know the only way I'm going to get answers is to ask him, but I just can't bring myself to bring the topic up.
He is honestly the perfect man, I know he isn't cheating on me, so that's definitely not the reason.
My paranoid mind goes into overdrive, even when we're watching TV and a slim blonde comes on wearing barely next to nothing, I'm sitting there wondering whether he'd have sex with me if I looked like that.

Why on earth would you be prepared to stay with him and never have sex again?

It sounds to me that he may have errection difficulties ? Be anxious .Can you ask him?

It's 100% not about you or the way you look.
The guy suffers from premature ejaculation and is aware of how bad he is at penetrative sex. That's why he won't do it often.
On top of that, he's pretty crap at other stuff too of he only makes you come 50% of the time you do stuff.
In other words, he's terrible in bed.
You have to ask yourswlf of he's positives outweigh this side of the relationship that is clearly lacking.
Yes you can work.on it with him and things can improve if you're both willing to put in the effort to improve the sex but he has t be willibg to acknowledge there's an issue first.

What in the hell are you doing? Get rid of him, NOW. What a complete waste of your time.

Your need to address your very low self esteem because you deserve more than crumbs.

It sounds like his sex drive is based around minimal effort. He just wants to have a wank or get a blow job, and that's enough. He's not interested in whether you orgasm or not.

If he was crap at PIV sex but good with his oral skills and hands then that's different - but he's not even trying! The only time you've had an orgasm with him (if you do?), you've done it yourself. He just happens to be in the same room!

This in spades. Honestly, these kind of guys should just stay single and get the top shelf mags out a couple of times a week.

He's lazy

It’s time for some straight talking, OP. He needs to understand, very clearly, that you are unhappy with this situation and that things need to change if the relationship is to have a future. If he is willing to make an effort then work with him to improve things. If he isn’t, he obviously doesn’t give a toss about your happiness so dump him.

It’s not you! It’s him. And he’s far from perfect.

Do you want a relationship that involves sex? Then ditch him and find someone who wants to shag you often and enthusiastically.

Do you want to be with someone who makes you feel sexy, beautiful and desirable? Ditch him and find someone who appreciates you.

Just please ditch him. No one is perfect and good enough for you means making you feel great about yourself.

You need to ask him. An awkward conversation but a necessary one.

I was worried that we were only having sex once a week when we used to do it more often. Was sure it was because I had put on weight. We had gone from living apart to living together and he had moved jobs which resulted in a much earlier start. I thought he had gone off me, was regretting moving in and I was very passive aggressive about it. One day I just decided to bite the bullet and ask why we were rarely having sex. He had no clue I was feeling bad and said I should have spike out sooner. He said he was utter shattered with the early starts, the job was different to what he was used to and that he just isn't horny when he is tired. He said he was sorry I felt unattractive, assured me he still fancied me and now makes sure we have lots of cuddles in bed and affection outside the bedroom even if sex is off the cards. Maybe your bloke doesn't know you are unhappy so might be best to speak to him before taking advice from people who don't know him or his situation (this is not a dig at you but there are so many people telling you he is selfish and to leave etc).

he sounds to me like HE DOEs have the problem and is premature ejaculation, probably why he doesn't want to have sex and you are in this situation.