Can anyone talk me through limerence?

[CheerioBeerio]

I've had a tendency my entire life (from age around 7/8) to be limerent (if that's what it means!) on other people. Usually my teachers, almost always someone in a position of power over me. I'm fed up with it now. I have wasted years of my life focusing on other people but I find it very difficult to pull away. My coping mechanism for not embarrassing myself is to try not to see the person I crush upon. I'm increasingly lonely and I want to understand why I do this and how I can stop. Any advice anyone?

Get a crush on yourself. OK, not a crush, but do things that will make you feel like you're an amazing person. What do amazing people do? What do people do that makes you think 'Wow, that's brilliant!' Start making a list of these things, and once you've got a collection of ideas, pick one or two for yourself. Work on them. Once you start doing amazing things for yourself, you'll start to feel more like you are the person who gives you everything you want, and you'll idolize others less.

It is a bugger! I had it on my ex and I felt like I was losing my mind. I found that only time stopped it.

At some point it has to be about you. Remember who you are. You are important

I can “obsess” about a crush and I think a lot of it boils down to fear of being emotionally vulnerable and having a low sense of self worth (“why would anyone I fancy actually fancy me back? Nah, safer to just have a secret crush”).

I felt a normal attraction to these “unobtainable” people who all have qualities I admire. The thing that made me realise there was something deeper lurking than just a case of “unrequited love” (if they weren't, for example, married or had a significant other or even famous and I would never meet them) was when I fancied someone, my age, single, available and, crucially, interested in me.

I shit myself. Pretended I wasn’t interested. And ran away.

Then developed a fixation on a relationship with him that didn’t exist.

I worked out that I found it “less painful” to have a nice, safe crush on somebody than to actually put my emotional vulnerability “out there” and have a real, actual relationship, warts and all, with them and the possible rejection that might bring with it.

Limerence is described as a form of OCD but my personal experience is that it is more of a twisted coping mechanism for a phobia/fear of rejection.

I still see this guy maybe a couple or 3 times a year (part of hobby group) and it royally messes with my head Each. And. Every. Time. He’s moved on (understandably). He doesn’t go out of his way to talk to me now and probably thinks I’m a weirdo (understandably). I can’t do or say anything to explain my weird behaviour back then because that would just be… weird. I can imagine it now: “Hi, you remember 9 years ago when my friends told you I’d taken a shine you and it turned out you’d noticed me too, so you asked me out and I said no? Well, what I actually meant was I’d love to go out with you. But fear took over instead.”

Going completely cold turkey for ever and a day is probably the only way to stop it. That and lots of therapy to dig deep into why the fantasy is safer than the reality.

Anyway, thanks for the opportunity for that brain dump.

That's interesting @DatingDinosaur. I think I can really relate to that.

Yep, you tell them. Can cure it quickly, their look of dismay, quickly masked, or their polite speech about how they're very flattered but...

I think crushes are normal enough but u wonder if there's an element of codependency in what you are talking about. That you've been sorta brainwashed from a young age to attend to the needs of a person who you perceived as powerful or in control?

*I wonder

😂That'll take care of it every time.

Doing that has been the cause of it for me, lol 😂

Also, sometines there an element of “forbidden” that might stop you declaring your interest? Too old, too, young, a colleague, or supposedly inappropriate or distance in some other way?

So it’s difficult for the romantic feelings to move along normally …. !

I've struggled with limerence since my teenage years. The best way to deal with it was not having contact and a crush faded away eventually. But this was not so easy when it is people you work with or socialise with and breaking contact can be painful and difficult, and the cycle would simply repeat itself later.

Another approach may be to look at the chemistry. Biochemicals such as dopamine, testosterone and oestrogen play a big part in limerence creating a sort of euphoria, a lovesickness that turns into obsession. When I reached my early 50s I went through the menopause quite suddenly and all those feelings of limerence disappeared overnight and have never returned.

So maybe the root is to deal with the cause if you want it to stop. I have read somewhere that antidepressants can be used that inhibit the part of the brain that cause obsessive behaviour, but there are other behavioural therapy approaches that you could look into.

I would have done this years ago if I had realised this. But at the time I found the highs and lows quite addictive and didn't understand until later what a negative impact it was having on my life and relationships.

I don't think it's always a fear of rejection. I've been a serial limerent in the past too and the OCD / control aspect is probably be more true for me. I've always been able to get anyone I fancied to reciprocate...but in limerence situations, you go for people you can't have. Hence pushing that control. I think there also may have been an aspect of shaming myself (I've had complicated relationships with love / sex due to a lot of slutshaming in my childhood) by going for the unattainable. And the OCD of course make it an obsession not a "normal" crush.

How did I beat limerence? One time I pushed it so far that the whole experience was so heart-wrenching (and nearly cost me my relationship with my DH) that I 100% vowed never again and now know how to spot the first signs and nip it in the bud before it ever kicks off.

But how do you nip it in the bud?

Really interesting thread and such good answers.

I'd like to know how to deal with this too - other than just waiting for it to disappear.
Was limerant over this guy for nearly 2 years!! Totally unobtainable - has serious health problems and may or may not be gay.
I do wonder whether it's my way of feeling less lonely but without having to get involved with someone for real which I don't seem to want to do for some reason!
Is it linked with OCD as I do have some other OCD traits in certain areas?

Limerence totally messed with me and took me about 5 years to get over and that was simply because he moved away, if he was still here I would probably continue be in the depths of it. Even now, if I think about him for too long I can fall into that dark hole again.
I have been really looking into how my mind works recently and mulling over issues I’ve had since childhood. Limerence obviously isn’t normal thinking and goes way beyond normal crushes. I now believe I have always had ADHD and definitely rejection sensitive dysphoria, for me there is a possible connection, which I am going to look into.
I don’t have any answers how to deal with limerence but it isn’t nice to experience.

@Thetoasterhasbroken "I don’t have any answers how to deal with limerence but it isn’t nice to experience."

From personal experience - being on the receiving end is not a nice experience either - it had a very long lasting and deep impact on me.

Yes, I agree, it must be awful, I feel for you.
The person in my case had zero idea, believe me. All the anguish and torment was all deep within me, I was the only one suffering.

Same, it's actually quite frightening to be the subject. I think sometimes if people realised how the subject of their limerance would feel if they knew so much intense thought was being projected onto them, it might help the limerant person to move on as they presumably wouldn't want to unsettle them. It might also stop them romanticising it and imaging it being reciprocated.

Limerence is part of OCD.

Medication and CBT gets rid of it.

You just need to give yourself q reality check everytime you think of him and consciously think about something thats nice about you. Build your best life (I know it's not the greatest saying but there's a lot of truth in it) and also youtube crappy childhood fairy limerance.

Just from personal experience, if I get even the slightest sense of butterflies around someone, start thinking about them at all...so basically anything beyond just acknowledging I think someone's nice / attractive, I either 100% avoid them or, if that's not possible, completely friendzone them. Avoid being alone, uber professionalism, do not talk about personal stuff or present opportunity to find similarities or info that I could fantasise about. 100% no googling or social stalking. Basically just never let anything develop. Having been there and done it, it isn't worth it. Once those thoughts start invading, the pace they escalate is terrifying so its better to never let them start.

(That was in response to @Bookridden)

Is anyone still on this thread!? Going through something similar and would love advice. TIA