Page 2 | Can anyone talk me through limerence?

CheerioBeerio · 2022-04-28T14:30:12+00:00

I've had a tendency my entire life (from age around 7/8) to be limerent (if that's what it means!) on other people. Usually my teachers, almost always someone in a position of power over me. I'm fed up with it now. I have wasted years of my life focusing on other people but I find it very difficult to pull away. My coping mechanism for not embarrassing myself is to try not to see the person I crush upon. I'm increasingly lonely and I want to understand why I do this and how I can stop. Any advice anyone?

Ellabellajell · 24/04/2023 18:00

I'm curious about this too. I only ever - ever - get limerent about people who 1) I've attached to and 2) have have rejected me 3) cruelly. The irony is when I am a relationship with the subsequent limerent object I am much more sensible and it is only when it has ended that obsession develops. And it's, crucially, not every breakup. It's only when it's done unkindly (e.g. blindsided/cheated) and I'm especially attached because the relationship (and therefore the relationship potential) is serious. So a casual relationship which ends suddenly and with kindness: I'm fine. A LTR which ends kindly: I'm fine. A LTR which ends abruptly or unkindly: I will start idealising them.
It's unlikely I'll be limerent from the off, as I won't have attached.
In my younger years I was much more reckless, e.g. showing up unannounced etc.
Now I just think about them all the time, talk about them etc. It's intrusive thoughts and pretty bleak, but from a legal perspective much safer.
And to be clear... I wasn't this focused when in said relationship with limerent person

I can link it to a number of things. A big one is fear of rejection. Also anxiety. Probably abandonment and self worth/esteem.
Also my overall mental and physical health at the time.
Practically I do everything sensible - delete pictures/numbers etc.
Ultimately it takes time. I think back to the two men I was limerent with in my early 20s and think "what was I thinking?"
About 9 months ago my boyfriend, who I saw all the time, ended things in an incredibly cruel way.
I became obsessed but it's starting to fade.
And this is the first time in 15 years I've experienced it, but he was exceptionally badly behaved.
I did everything, made lists of his bad points etc, but I really think it's time. And realising, despite what trauma you've been through - and you might well have been, that you are worth more than a one-sided relationship.

Sunnytwobridges · 24/04/2023 21:02

Ellabellajell · 24/04/2023 18:00

I'm curious about this too. I only ever - ever - get limerent about people who 1) I've attached to and 2) have have rejected me 3) cruelly. The irony is when I am a relationship with the subsequent limerent object I am much more sensible and it is only when it has ended that obsession develops. And it's, crucially, not every breakup. It's only when it's done unkindly (e.g. blindsided/cheated) and I'm especially attached because the relationship (and therefore the relationship potential) is serious. So a casual relationship which ends suddenly and with kindness: I'm fine. A LTR which ends kindly: I'm fine. A LTR which ends abruptly or unkindly: I will start idealising them.
It's unlikely I'll be limerent from the off, as I won't have attached.
In my younger years I was much more reckless, e.g. showing up unannounced etc.
Now I just think about them all the time, talk about them etc. It's intrusive thoughts and pretty bleak, but from a legal perspective much safer.
And to be clear... I wasn't this focused when in said relationship with limerent person

I can link it to a number of things. A big one is fear of rejection. Also anxiety. Probably abandonment and self worth/esteem.
Also my overall mental and physical health at the time.
Practically I do everything sensible - delete pictures/numbers etc.
Ultimately it takes time. I think back to the two men I was limerent with in my early 20s and think "what was I thinking?"
About 9 months ago my boyfriend, who I saw all the time, ended things in an incredibly cruel way.
I became obsessed but it's starting to fade.
And this is the first time in 15 years I've experienced it, but he was exceptionally badly behaved.
I did everything, made lists of his bad points etc, but I really think it's time. And realising, despite what trauma you've been through - and you might well have been, that you are worth more than a one-sided relationship.

This sounds exactly like me. I've been this way since my first boyfriend suddenly ghosted me after being together for 4 years and engaged. I didn't know others were like this so it was nice to see that I'm not alone. :)

Ellabellajell · 24/04/2023 21:34

@Sunnytwobridges From my end, it's certainly got links to an anxious attachment style. I can rationalise it and see he, objectively, wasn't great and was likely emotionally avoident. But emotionally I can't move forward and ruminate terribly on the "but he said he loved you", struggling to move past the betrayal to a point where it's appropriate. The only plus side is with age, I've got a clear awareness I've been triggered and to fight all my natural instincts... no he doesn't want you turning up at his door. I know it will go and I'll be confused why I felt so strongly. Fundamentally I'm better in relationships where the other partner - while not so exciting in my eyes - is more secure. It doesn't trigger me.

Hiphorray · 24/04/2023 21:54

Ellabellajell · 24/04/2023 21:34

@Sunnytwobridges From my end, it's certainly got links to an anxious attachment style. I can rationalise it and see he, objectively, wasn't great and was likely emotionally avoident. But emotionally I can't move forward and ruminate terribly on the "but he said he loved you", struggling to move past the betrayal to a point where it's appropriate. The only plus side is with age, I've got a clear awareness I've been triggered and to fight all my natural instincts... no he doesn't want you turning up at his door. I know it will go and I'll be confused why I felt so strongly. Fundamentally I'm better in relationships where the other partner - while not so exciting in my eyes - is more secure. It doesn't trigger me.

I totally agree with you in this! If you have that attachment style I definitely think that has a key role in it.

Hiphorray · 24/04/2023 22:02

My issue is I have major rejection and self esteem issues. OCD and possible ADHD.
I was seeing someone a 10+years ago, perfect person in my eyes ( soon found out he was a narc ) he was hot and cold constantly, liar etc, he ended up giving me a bull excuse to cut it off. Since has several times tried to come back into my life but I met luckily for me I met DH and was no longer interested in him. when my body had calmed down from all the toxic and flight or fight mode it had been in for years I found it was then my brain could wonder back to LO. I see him frequently unfortunately. I know exactly who and what he is but my ADHD / OCD doesn’t like unfinished business and coming to terms with it always being unfinished. I would never betray DH although sometimes my thoughts of LO make me feel a bad person.

SquirrelSoShiny · 25/04/2023 08:08

ADHD can definitely make people more vulnerable to limerence in my experience. Some people can give us a massive dopamine spike and then when they pull away we lose that. For some of us our fantasies about the person create a similar spike. Then they become the object of hyperfocus.

I understood my limerent tendencies better through the lense of ADHD!

daisymoonlight · 25/04/2023 08:10

PLEASE read the book "the dreamer and fantasy relationship" by Natalie Lue. She started the relationship advice website baggage reclaim and this book changed my life. It describes the phenomenon of Limerance and why people get sucked into it and how to stop it. Its SOOOO good. Every page is gold.

Drunkenmistakes · 25/04/2023 10:03

It's essentially obsessive behaviour and often harassment and stalking. The concept that it's 'OK' or that the person your behaviour is acting upon is the problem is awful. If you are obsessing about someone enough to be stalking them, online or in real life, then you've got a deeper issue that needs to be resolved.
Seemingly it often goes in hand with a victim mentality - where the other person is consistently views as the perpetrator but no acceptance of personal fault is accepted.

Hiphorray · 25/04/2023 12:52

SquirrelSoShiny · 25/04/2023 08:08

ADHD can definitely make people more vulnerable to limerence in my experience. Some people can give us a massive dopamine spike and then when they pull away we lose that. For some of us our fantasies about the person create a similar spike. Then they become the object of hyperfocus.

I understood my limerent tendencies better through the lense of ADHD!

This is so interesting. I am at the very start of my ADHD journey and so many things now make so much sense! Any info would be great. Thank you

Hiphorray · 25/04/2023 12:53

daisymoonlight · 25/04/2023 08:10

PLEASE read the book "the dreamer and fantasy relationship" by Natalie Lue. She started the relationship advice website baggage reclaim and this book changed my life. It describes the phenomenon of Limerance and why people get sucked into it and how to stop it. Its SOOOO good. Every page is gold.

Just ordered. Thank you

Ellabellajell · 25/04/2023 12:54

Drunkenmistakes · 25/04/2023 10:03

It's essentially obsessive behaviour and often harassment and stalking. The concept that it's 'OK' or that the person your behaviour is acting upon is the problem is awful. If you are obsessing about someone enough to be stalking them, online or in real life, then you've got a deeper issue that needs to be resolved.
Seemingly it often goes in hand with a victim mentality - where the other person is consistently views as the perpetrator but no acceptance of personal fault is accepted.

Agree to an extent but not fully.
For me, I think on the contrary there's not a victim mentality, but rather a "blame" mentality.
E.g. What did I do wrong? How could I improve?
That's however badly their behaviour was.
I don't see the person's flaws.
I think it's linked to self-esteem in my case and I need to improve that for it to go and the idealism to end.

Ellabellajell · 25/04/2023 12:58

Drunkenmistakes · 25/04/2023 10:03

It's essentially obsessive behaviour and often harassment and stalking. The concept that it's 'OK' or that the person your behaviour is acting upon is the problem is awful. If you are obsessing about someone enough to be stalking them, online or in real life, then you've got a deeper issue that needs to be resolved.
Seemingly it often goes in hand with a victim mentality - where the other person is consistently views as the perpetrator but no acceptance of personal fault is accepted.

Also I don't think anyone thinks it is OK, rather they want to improve.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 25/04/2023 13:05

I'm another who suffered horribly with limerance. From being subject to, not object of. I'm (putting it kindly) a bit of a minger, and was rarely even noticed at all by my limerance object, unless they were tripping over me.

I have subsequently discovered I am ADHD and everything about my life suddenly made so much sense. Knowing it was a kind of hyperfocus, just with a person as the object, made it easier to deal with, and menopause has taken it all away, so I now just look at people with a kind of amused tolerance.

I think having an ADHD diagnosis and realising that I wasn't mad, I was just looking at life differently, was what helped me.

Siameasy · 25/04/2023 13:55

I’m waiting for assessment for ADHD and have suffered with this. As I approach 50 it seems I am able to get a grip of it a bit more. I’m naturally obsessive-all or nothing. I’ve managed to obsess on hobbies or interests more nowadays. If I like someone I LIKE them but I’ve been so let down in the past by people being fickle; I’ve learnt with age that very few invest in others as heavily as I do.

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 25/04/2023 14:24

I was the original limerant. I first read about it on here about 10yrs ago and was like "no fucking way!" It was like reading about my life. Overwhelming crush/love thing for my headmaster from about age 6/7 and then a big crush on a youth leader at my Brownies between about 9 and 12 and then the big one, my drama teacher who I lived with, was engaged to and who was- as you'd expect- an utter wrong un as he started a relationship with me when I was 16 that lasted until we broke up when I was almost 30, but who is been obsessed with since I was 11 and we met when I was in year 7 (and he was 29 ).

Even after we broke up and I had extensive therapy and I met my husband- someone I never had an obsession with, and who I fell for in a formal way- I'd occasionally pick these intense crushes up (and sometimes still do). However since having therapy I understand that it's a part of my OCD, which I was diagnosed with aged about 14, and have coping mechanisms for it now (hence being able to form a normal bond with my now DH).

Therapy really was the only answer for me, but obviously I had taken it to extremes by having a decade-plus long relationship with the source of my greatest obsession and that then tanking badly (he ended up having- who'd have thunk it- massive control issues and in the end it got physical). But exploring whether you have OCD traits through therapy and how treating those might help you @CheerioBeerio may well be worth doing. Good luck, it's debilitating.