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Original poster

Anyone else's DH give a different (wrong) version of events?

49 replies

ladybirdbirdlady · 27/04/2022 21:22

My DH and I often disagree over how an event in the past played out. Quite often he'll tell a story completely differently to how I remember it or speak about something as though he were there. I know he wasn't; I'll have been there on my own and told him about it. When I re-tell someone the story he chips in as though he had been part of it.

He'll often tell someone a story as if he was the person who said something, did something etc. and the whole time I'm thinking, "No, I phoned them, I spoke to the man, I dealt with it entirely myself".

I realise it's unimportant, and to the person listening, it doesn't really matter who did what (so I'd never challenge it in company), but I do find this quite odd. It happened again today and it gave me the inner rage, so because it was just the two of us I argued that it was completely different to how he remembered. He was adamant it was how he said, and we ended in stalemate. I'll roll my eyes and get on with my day, but it does leave me questioning if he's losing his marbles sometimes. If it's something I don't remember that clearly, then fair enough, but when there are times I know exactly what happened, I do get exasperated.
Anyone else's DH do this?

OP posts:
Inklingpot · 27/04/2022 21:45

Did you post about this before? I remember a very similar thread with the OP’s DH rewriting history.

Original poster
ladybirdbirdlady · 27/04/2022 21:50

No, just took the plunge and joined today, although been reading for a long time.

Seems I'm not the only one with a DH whose memory isn't working as it should.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 27/04/2022 21:54

How does he respond when you mention it? Can you see any point to him doing it (ie is he writing himself as the one who says the punchline or the clever solution)?

Original poster
ladybirdbirdlady · 27/04/2022 22:01

No, that's the odd thing. It's not to make himself out to be funny or witty etc. He'll just write himself into the situation be it a train journey, a night out, an afternoon with friends. I assume he's listened to my version of events and through time imagined he was there.

Or, he'll say a story happened in a certain way when I know it didn't. Does make me wonder how/why he comes up with the version he does. A daydream that's morphed into reality over time?

OP posts:
FireFireQuick · 27/04/2022 22:02

That’s so strange, today I was pondering this exact same personality trait in my DH!

he genuinely believes what is he saying is true, he’s not knowingly stealing an anecdote to make a better story.

Im sure it’s not the same in your case, but sadly in mine it’s just one aspect of my totally self absorbed husband - he only thinks about himself, therefore his brain assumes he played a starring role in every event worth recounting !

ToDoListAddict · 27/04/2022 22:03

Not my husband but my sister does this a lot. She'll exaggerate things, change the outcome etc. She does it so much that I barely believe anything she says these days.

Watchkeys · 27/04/2022 22:04

And when you say to him 'Er... you weren't actually there..?', what attitude does he have in his response?

Trivester · 27/04/2022 22:08

How old is he?
is it something he’s always done? Or a recent development?

ByTheSea · 27/04/2022 22:09

Yes yes yes, drives me batty!

Original poster
ladybirdbirdlady · 27/04/2022 22:11

If I wasn't so trusting I'd think he was gaslighting me! There are times I know where I was because I'll have messaged him about it. He'll recount the story as though it happened to him and I'm left thinking WTF?

OP posts:
Original poster
ladybirdbirdlady · 27/04/2022 22:15

I'm so pleased other people have experienced this and find it as infuriating!

I'd never challenge it in front of anyone. Then we'll just look like a batshit bickering couple. I told him today I had done something and he argued it was his dad who had done it. I ended up just thinking we'd have to agree to disagree.

He's been doing it for years. Ten at least. He's 50 now, and I'm possibly only getting so annoyed these days because my tolerance is much lower than it used to be.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 27/04/2022 22:41

My ex did this. In his case, it's to do with selfish/narcissistic thinking. His brain seems to rewrite history to recast himself in a more satisfying role, either as hero or victim. Sometimes there's some kind of 'end' to this, ie he's trying to negotiate more favourable circumstances for himself, but other times it just seems to be about avoiding accountability. This isn't just him 'having a different perspective' – often his version of events has been provably false.

If your husband's inaccurate 'memories' don't seem to have manipulative intent, I'd be inclined to regard them as a quirk of human memory (because it can definitely be plastic) but ultimately harmless. But keep an eye on it and if he seems to be misremembering things in a way that proves some kind of benefit to him at the cost of others, it's less harmless.

Dubsub · 27/04/2022 22:53

I was discussing this with a group of friends I’ve been walking with for years. How we have memorable things that happened and we all think they were in different places. Also DH accuses me of writing myself into certain incidents when I wasn’t there😅maybe it’s part of the human condition. This is why eye witness accounts are so unreliable ..

Pollydonia · 27/04/2022 22:55

I worked with someone like that, she was exhausting.
One day I'd had enough and challenged her ( it was in a medical setting, the details of the information she was passing on were important!)
She just mumbled something about it sounding better her way. Bonkers.

Original poster
ladybirdbirdlady · 27/04/2022 22:57

Thanks @CheekyHobson - I will keep an eye on it.

He can be a "talker over" so perhaps it's about always wanting to have some part in the conversation and not being happy to stay quiet. He'd rather put himself in the story as say nothing.

OP posts:
TheUnexpectedPickle · 27/04/2022 23:05

Not my DH but both my mum and best friend do this all the time. I find it so so strange- it's not at all malicious from either of them, and I can tell they both absolutely believe what they're saying.

For example, when my best friend was pregnant with her first, we went to lunch at a local pub. I drank some wine, she had a couple of cokes and a hot chocolate. She went up to order the hot chocolate and got me a glass of red. She told me when she got back that she'd felt a bit awkward ordering the wine as she was obviously pregnant and wondered if they were going to question her, but they didn't.

She now tells the story of how the guy refused to serve her and she had to point over to me to show it wasn't for her.

This never happened. I could see and her her at the bat. And of course, wouldn't happen- it's not illegal for a pregnant woman to buy (or drink!) alcohol and she was buying a non alcoholic drink at the same time. Plus it was a wetherspoons!

But... she 100% remembers it as her having to argue with the barman. It is really strange.

Original poster
ladybirdbirdlady · 27/04/2022 23:08

@Dubsub I agree with the eye witness thing as our version of events can be quite different!

I'm sure it's harmless, just bloody infuriating!

The worst thing actually is telling people things like, "Ladybird doesn't like this food because it reminds her of..." I'm left thinking, "Really? I don't recall ever saying that or having a particular dislike of (eg) poached eggs". If I say so, he'll tell me I definitely said that, he distinctly remembers. Perhaps he's mixed me up with other people, but he has no doubt that it's true.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladybirdbirdlady · 27/04/2022 23:12

@theunexpectedpickle She must have embellished the story to make it more interesting, and she's told it so many times she now believes it, and isn't embarrassed to re-tell it in front of you! 😂

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 27/04/2022 23:13

He may be saying the same about you not remembering things as he does.

Original poster
ladybirdbirdlady · 27/04/2022 23:16

Absolutely @BigFatLiar

Only I have proof I was there and he wasn't, or I'd made a phone call and he didn't, or I saw a film and he hadn't.

OP posts:
Pawtriarchal · 27/04/2022 23:16

Yes. Usually small details of stories or telling someone a story about me but will get the details wrong. It makes me wonder about the stuff he tells me - what’s he misstating? I’m not sure it’s lying as such, more just rewriting something in the way he thinks it’s happened. It’s weird.

SarahDippity · 27/04/2022 23:24

This came up in a thread lately, where the poster’s OH was misremembering stories to make her sound like she had pursued him relentlessly. A suggestion made was that she sit him him down and express concern that he was possibly experiencing signs of memory loss, as fact a, b, c … and should see a GP. Presenting him with the facts after the conversation, and clearly standing over the ‘evidence’ of the conversation to withstand his bluster. And saying that she would raise any future false memories as concerning. Might be a useful tactic to take back control of your own memories!

Original poster
ladybirdbirdlady · 27/04/2022 23:26

I like that idea! @SarahDippity

OP posts:
LightGreyLight · 27/04/2022 23:30

I’ve never heard of this!

Occasionally I’ve come across people who embellish a story slightly to make it a bit more exciting, but we all know and it’s part of the fun!

But what you are describing sounds pretty bizarre. I’ve never come across this. Is he mentally sound in other ways?

SarahDippity · 28/04/2022 00:09

LightGreyLight · 27/04/2022 23:30

I’ve never heard of this!

Occasionally I’ve come across people who embellish a story slightly to make it a bit more exciting, but we all know and it’s part of the fun!

But what you are describing sounds pretty bizarre. I’ve never come across this. Is he mentally sound in other ways?

My ex used to do this. His explanation was that he was a better storyteller and people liked to hear ‘his’ anecdotes because he told them so well 🙄