Anyone else's DH give a different (wrong) version of events?

[ladybirdbirdlady]

My DH and I often disagree over how an event in the past played out. Quite often he'll tell a story completely differently to how I remember it or speak about something as though he were there. I know he wasn't; I'll have been there on my own and told him about it. When I re-tell someone the story he chips in as though he had been part of it.

He'll often tell someone a story as if he was the person who said something, did something etc. and the whole time I'm thinking, "No, I phoned them, I spoke to the man, I dealt with it entirely myself".

I realise it's unimportant, and to the person listening, it doesn't really matter who did what (so I'd never challenge it in company), but I do find this quite odd. It happened again today and it gave me the inner rage, so because it was just the two of us I argued that it was completely different to how he remembered. He was adamant it was how he said, and we ended in stalemate. I'll roll my eyes and get on with my day, but it does leave me questioning if he's losing his marbles sometimes. If it's something I don't remember that clearly, then fair enough, but when there are times I know exactly what happened, I do get exasperated.
Anyone else's DH do this?

Your husband is a narcissist, that's why he does this. Everything is about him in his mind, every day, all the time. A narcissist is never, ever to be trusted. They are incapable of genuinely caring about other people. They only "care" so long as you serve their needs/agenda.

Stop being gaslighted by him, because you 100% are.

I would not like this at all!!!

Not harmless, very strange.

Does he do this to you? What is he like if you challenge him on it?

I only realised being gaslit by ex partner after 10 years but when you see it you can't under it. She would say things that didn't happen and at first I thought 'did I do or say or act like that'

It would drive me mad and I could not be with a person like that.

I do this sometimes! It's not intentional, I genuinely think I remember certain things. When someone tells me a story, it plays in my mind like a movie. Then at a later date if it comes up I think "oh yes I remember that". I have ADHD and ASD. I suspect it may be related to the ADHD. As in, I find the story interesting enough to remember, but my brain forgets less interesting parts, like - it wasn't me who was there. 😅 That or I just have a really vivid imagination. I'm aware of this, though, so don't usually share stories in case they're not mine.

He’s gaslighting you, you need to challenge him. It’s weird.

Fil is exactly like this.

Mil even says she finds it bizarre because she knows he's talking bollox

I once told her to call him out on it in front of the people he was doing it to and she said she could never do that as he would go nuts.

He's a narcissistic man

I'm surprised by people accepting this, especially in an intimate relationship. It's lying, dishonest, manipulating reality. It may not be consciously malicious, but that's only because it's become an ingrained habit, to appropriate someone else's experience, to rewrite history so the liar feels or looks better - and to hell with anyone else or factual reality.

I had a friend who started lying like this, in all sorts of ways, some small, but others large and damaging. I stopped trusting them. If it's a relationship you care about, point it out, try to find out why, and tell them to stop.

Find someone who ...

Find someone who burnishes your role in their stories, not someone who erases you and inserts themself!

@Stravaig

"Find someone who burnishes your role in their stories, not someone who erases you and inserts themself!"

Yes! This is what I have very belated come to realise - I am working on it...

Thanks. I would like to think he'd be horrified he'd upset me by doing this, so will be very mindful of it happening again and be quick to call him out.

And @Stravaig this has stuck with me, thank you.

So he might just be being a nob.

BUT we all have lots and lots of false memories apparently! They genuinely seem real to us!

I'm sure you can google it, but one Interesting article is as follows: www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/2ykZkjN1PytNV0XYpbgL7dS/understanding-false-memories-of-crime

Or it could be he is spicing the story up for entertainment value. Not telling it correctly but exaggerating it for effect.

Wow just read the whole thread!

I really think that you should read up on false memories OP- it's a common and natural phenomenon for all humans, (including you!)

It might help you rationalise the situation, understand what's going on, and not get so annoyed.

A podcast about false memories that I think is v interesting www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p08ndywt

My H dies it
The talking over, or finishing my story.
The Royal "We", when it was a solitary Me.
I pull him up on it.
He is a pompous bully, & wants to take all the glory, He kniws he isnt on the same intellectual level as me, its his way of one upping.

Sorry for typos, major hay fever, cant see.

My DGF used to do this - not in a malicious way, just wanting to be part of telling the story and to embellish some details. It drove my DGM absolutely bonkers. The best part of any family dinner was seeing what totally inane detail they’d start bickering over in an otherwise quite interesting account. By my DGF’s third interruption, my DGM would reliably explode with “WHO’S TELLING THE STORY, HARRY???”

My husband does this sometimes - sometimes it's to save face with the likes of workmen or whatever, sometimes it's just...well I don't know.

The most memorable one was him misty-eyed recalling one of our older boys giving a bottle to our youngest, it was so sweet etc. Until I reminded him that our youngest was exclusively breastfed until 7 months, literally never had a bottle of any description let alone was fed one by his brother! He started to argue with me and I honestly just had to shut him down with "are you seriously trying to tell me, the mother, the one who breastfed that child, that I am wrong?!"

He did back down on that one but I think secretly he thinks I am wrong!

Daft bastard.

@CheekyHobson my ex was exactly the same, Infact all his family was. I always wondered if they truly believed what they were saying or knew it was total rubbish...honestly I think they believed it and would have passed a polygraph.

@EasyBreezy

My ex would 100 percent believe his story at the time he was telling it. If I could present evidence that he had specific facts wrong, he would accept that he was 'mistaken' on them, but he did so reluctantly, and always had a slight tone of doubt that the facts invalidated his story.

I believe that even when he can accept that the proven facts don't fit his narrative, he retains a feeling of self-righteousness that allows him to convince himself that there must be some undiscovered 'alternative facts' that would justify his version. He won't lower his dignity by going looking for them, of course. He's happy to just "let it go" and "be the bigger person". 😂

I still find it bizarre. Not so much a bit of ‘fun’ embellishment or the obvious Billy Liar narcissist/fantasist eg tindler swinder. More the more normal person giving totally fake stories or saying they were there when they were not, for no particular reason! A previous poster mentioned her ADHD, I wonder if related to that or ASD. I would find it unnerving I think. I’m never really surprised on MN, but this one has me puzzled.

My DH’s favourite saying in these situations is “mate, why let the truth get in the way of a good story” 🤣

Are you my MIL? We have a family joke that my FIL does this about everything. She just refers to one of his more elaborate misrememberings as he tells a story and we all know it's exaggerated/incorrectly recollected.

Yes! I was completely
bemused the other day to hear XP telling a friend of mine how he had been to great lengths to teach our son various outdoorsy things. In fact everything he referred to had been taught by other people, on two separate occasions, both of which I had organised. One of them he wasn’t even there. He was very annoyed when I pointed it out.

Yes, my ex, he was so confused or believed his own lies that he would tell lies he had made up about me to my face forgetting he had totally made them up and that I knew the truth. I actually thought he was having a breakdown but it was narcissism. The brain is a funny thing and it can use an extraordinary range of defence mechanisms to protect its self or more simply exaggerate someone's own importance. I think the important part is to be clear if it's a funny mood boosting quirk or damaging pathology.

My DH does it because he wants to be loved by everyone and likes to keep everyone entertained and happy.

It is quite sweet really but it does annoy me if it is one of my better stories that he has stolen.