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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this life?

27 replies

stitch · 22/11/2004 19:00

i have become such a cynic.
i have three very clingy kids. bloody dd wont stop screaming. and its just a whine, she doesnt need anything. eldest cant seem to think about naything but watching tv. and ds2 who is three, has just done a pooh in his pants, and left them on the bed!
but thats just five minutes in ;my life.
single mom in marriage. dh works twenty hours a day, seven days a week, doesnt come home two nights a week, as stays there. when he is home, he does nothing for the kids. never talks to me, never seems to want sex, unless it is wham bham and not even a thankyou ma'am. just rolls over and goes to sleep. never interested in listenning to anything i say. if i try talking to him, he turns the telly on, or says he is busy. and i can see that he is. always working o something or the other.
which leaves me with the kids. every day. oh, and inlaws dont want to know me.
but, i get to live in nice house, drive nice car. use his credit cards online,( as getting cash out of him is nightmare of fighting.still waiting on petrol and grocery money from last month!)
if i stay, i loose more and more faith in humanity, and life. how am i supposed to teach my kids life is wonderful when i dont think it is.
if i go, i have more problems. financial. social blah blah blah
is there more to life than this? or is this all there is to it?

oh, am also bloody idiot, because still love dh to bits.

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 22/11/2004 19:05

Sorry you're going through this stitch

First of all you need to get some time with your dh, away from home preferably, to talk. Can you get a babysitter and go out to dinner?

Roobie · 22/11/2004 19:06

Poor you stitch, it doesn't sound like much fun and I am sure we can all identify with bits of what you describe. Do you get the impression that your dh is happy? It sounds like your relationship/life etc could do with a good overhaul if you see what I mean. Would your dh be receptive to a real thrashing out of all your issues? If he could be made to understand that his life will also be happier if you are happy then that could be a starting point....

zephyrcat · 22/11/2004 19:07

My heart goes out to you - sounds a bit like my life. Although dp doesnt do that many hours he has a new job and soon will be. He's not interested in me or the kids. He talks to the kids when I prompt him to or I yell at him to get his attention to point out that dd is trying to talk to him. He does nothing in the house and yells at me if i dont. Sex -whats that??? No such luck there!! At least you get money - I've often got a couple of poiunds to last me a week for food etc but thats not his problem because he's not here. Makes me so angry - but like you i stupidly still love him - although there is a VERY thin line between love and hate.........

Original poster
stitch · 22/11/2004 19:19

love and hate are , i think, the same thing. i dont believe you can hate someone, truly hate them unless you loved them first.

thank you all for your supposrt.

problem is he doesnt think there is a problem, unless the problem is me. the way he sees it is that he is working hard to provide a good standard of life for us. and when i say something to him, i am just being a nag, or a screaming banshee . but i dont let myself get into that much of a state anymore as it doesnt do any good but reinforce his opinion that i am the problem and he is the poor man to put up with such a bad homelife.

he's not interested in having a meal with me at home when the kdis are asleep. he'd never pay for a babysitter to have a meal with me alone!

zephyrcat, i feel for you, thank god i dont have to stress abut gettting him to pay for food. i have hsi credit card which i use on tesco.com. he still yells about that, but at least i can justify that in my head. its just cash he wont hand over.

OP posts:
Original poster
stitch · 22/11/2004 19:20

there must be more to life than this.

i see films and i see people talking to each other. or i read books. or i hear moms n the playground talking about converstaions they had with dhs or dps.
are they making up this shared life, or am ithe only one who is alone?

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 22/11/2004 19:23

stitch, there really is more to life than that. I would find it very hard to love a man who treated me with so little respect. I would advise writing a letter to him - even if you don't give it to him to read. It will help to clarify your thoughts and feelings without becoming a "screaming banshee". Then write another one and give it to him to read. It will be harder for him to dismiss that.

Roobie · 22/11/2004 19:27

Do you have many friends and an active life outside your marriage? If not then cultivating something for yourself could be, as well as an obvious lifeline for you, a way of getting your dh to see you in a different light rather than just 'her indoors' (not saying that that is how he perceives you, I don't know, just speculating ). How about a PT job?

Original poster
stitch · 22/11/2004 19:31

in the past i have emailed him, and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt.

i can try again, but i have no great hopes of being able to change his behaviour. i can only change my own reaction to it.
i just want love and companionship from him, he doesnt want it from me. i am glad he doesnt get it from any other woman, just wish i could cope better with the loneliness.
but thank youfor telling me that life is more than just this. i should belive it.

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 22/11/2004 19:33

Forgive me for being blunt stitch, but your husband sounds utterly complacent, and that's putting it mildly. He really does need to take you seriously, and you need to believe that you deserve much, much better. Please do try writing to him again.

It may help to cultivate some outside interests/activities or a job that you do just for yourself as roobie suggests.

Roobie · 22/11/2004 19:37

Stitch, you are right in that you cannot directly hope to change someone else's behaviour. What you can change though is your own behaviour in the hope that the other person will react differently (and hence change indirectly).

Original poster
stitch · 22/11/2004 19:37

actually, i do have a very active social life. and ive worked hard to get it. and yes it has made him see me differently. but unfortunately, it also makes him realise just how capapble i am.
the better he sees me deal with things, the more he leaves me to just get on with him, so he can do his projects.
for example, he got me to make curtains for the living room, or, when i mad e a shephard outfit for ds1, wouldnt stop moaning about money i spent on camel outfit for him. or when i cooked for twentyfive people, he decided to invit e six very formal guest for sunday lunch, but only told me at ten in the morning. and when i succeeded in doing that,... well. basically the more i do, the more he expects me to do.

i dont want to get a job, as he would then expect me to pay all the bills, the petrol, the kids clothes etc etc etc. and the house would still be my responsibility.

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 22/11/2004 19:38

ffs he sounds horrible!

Original poster
stitch · 22/11/2004 19:41

he's a horrible husband, but actually he's a nice ma to everyone else.
he's a good brother in law to my sissters. always gets them birthday presents etc. he's nice to all my friends, always friendly, and generous with time and money for them. just a git of a husband

OP posts:
motherinferior · 22/11/2004 19:41

Stitch, it sounds horrible. And yes, there is more to life and relationships.

spacemonkey · 22/11/2004 19:42

It doesn't matter how he is with other people, it is how he is with you, his wife, the woman he is supposed to love, that matters. I'm sorry, I know this can't be helpful, but I am fuming on your behalf

Original poster
stitch · 22/11/2004 19:45

but how do i either,
a get more out of life with him
or b get more out of life whilst being a full time mom to three young kids. i want male company, but am not willing to have an affair, assuming i could find someone to!

eeek, he jsut came to check the fax
had to do a quick change there

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 22/11/2004 19:46

To get more out of life with him you need to get through to him that you are not happy and that your feelings are IMPORTANT.

Being a full time mum to 3 young kids without a husband would be hard yes, but it wouldn't be as hard as being a full time mum to 3 young kids with a husband who makes you feel shit about yourself.

Original poster
stitch · 22/11/2004 19:49

this is why i am so cynicall spacemonkey.

he is nasty to me. ive known him since i was 17 and he was nineteen, we practically grew up together. yet he is horrible to me. people say i should put m y foot down, but that doesnt work. if i leave that doesnt work either. and that is why i am so upset at life.
my parents have a lovelymarriage. and a very active sex life, (they are 60 and 65!)
i married the man of my dreams, and this is what life has thrown me.where do i go from here?

OP posts:
midden · 22/11/2004 19:50

really feel for you stitch. I know how it feels to have a dh who can be controlling and disrespectful at times, but not to this extent. I think you need to find the strength from somewhere to demand more of him.

spacemonkey · 22/11/2004 19:52

Well, if you left would it make him sit up and take notice do you think? It might be an effective tactic to make him realise that you are not happy with things as they are. Could you take the kids and stay with parents/friends/relatives? I don't mean as a permanent thing necessarily, but as a way to make him take your unhappiness seriously enough to be willing to do something about it, i.e. talk, go to relate or something like that?

Original poster
stitch · 22/11/2004 19:54

i dont have the guts to walk out. i did just over a year ago, but came back to him because he said all the right things. now ds1 is seven, he asks too many questions. its easier to just not rock the boat.

but thank you for listening to me, and supporting me. i know lots of people, but not really anyone i could talk to so candidly

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 22/11/2004 19:56

I know how scary it is stitch, so really I do understand. However, life is too bloody short to live like this. There are men out there who would treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. Do CAT me if you want to talk.

Original poster
stitch · 22/11/2004 19:57

have to go now, as he is here and says he needs to use the computer.
thank yoiu for listening to me, and i think i will try emailing him later this evening.

i know he is at home, but it will be easier to email him at work, where he wont be able toyell at me!

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 22/11/2004 19:57

HUGS

spacemonkey · 23/11/2004 17:39

How are things today stitch?