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Original poster

AIBU - my partner will not add me to FB

39 replies

Dolly103 · 27/04/2022 07:21

I have been in a relationship with my partner since 2014, we bought a house and moved in together 2 years ago. We are both In our 50s and I have 2 teenage children who live with us. It's been a tricky time for us for various reasons but we are working through this and it feels like it's moving in the right direction However, he removed me on Facebook last year and despite me asking him to re add me said he will not.
I am finding this upsetting and he knows this, he said he is a private person and does not want others knowing his business. He is active on FB.
Anyhow it bothers me and I would love to hear what others think.... AIBU

OP posts:
DiamondBright · 27/04/2022 07:25

You're living together so it's ridiculous to say he doesn't want people to know his business, presumably the fact that you're a couple. I'd consider that shady behaviour.

Sofacouchboredom · 27/04/2022 07:27

This is a HUGE red flag! Honestly all this screams to me is that he wants to 'appear' single, that can not be good.

Whooshaagh · 27/04/2022 07:27

How do you know he’s active on fb if you can’t see it?
Its difficult because he doesn’t have to add you. However if he doesn’t want his dp to know his business then I’d be wondering what he’s up to.
Seems to me that fb is a symptom of your relationship failing atm.

My dh doesn’t do fb but he could look at mine if he wanted. He’d see lots of political stuff and birthday wishes.

MissNothing1991 · 27/04/2022 07:28

My ex did this... don't think I need to tell you why, other than to say we are no longer together and I took immediate sexual health tests. Very sorry, but I wouldn't put up with it. If he's so private he wouldn't have Facebook at all or could add you, but set his profile to be viewed by friends only or whatever and ask you not to tag him in things. Just doesn't add up.

seensome · 27/04/2022 07:30

Sounds like he wants the control over you going against what you want. You say you've gone through a tricky time, is this because of him?

spotcheck · 27/04/2022 07:31

Are his settings private? Can you see his posts?

Original poster
Dolly103 · 27/04/2022 07:32

Whooshaagh · 27/04/2022 07:27

How do you know he’s active on fb if you can’t see it?
Its difficult because he doesn’t have to add you. However if he doesn’t want his dp to know his business then I’d be wondering what he’s up to.
Seems to me that fb is a symptom of your relationship failing atm.

My dh doesn’t do fb but he could look at mine if he wanted. He’d see lots of political stuff and birthday wishes.

I know he is active because he will look at it when I am next to him. He scrolls on it a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolly103 · 27/04/2022 07:33

seensome · 27/04/2022 07:30

Sounds like he wants the control over you going against what you want. You say you've gone through a tricky time, is this because of him?

Yes tricky time due to his behaviour :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolly103 · 27/04/2022 07:35

spotcheck · 27/04/2022 07:31

Are his settings private? Can you see his posts?

I haven't tried but would imagine he has privacy settings on :(

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 27/04/2022 07:36

Are you friends with any of his FB friends, could you go to their house and ask to look on their FB, or is that too sneaky

TottersBlankly · 27/04/2022 07:39

Facebook Story, Frank Ocean, Blond album.

open.spotify.com/track/73D5hBkiVZkopZrmBZTBWf?si=lk79tcqvShe4G_LaiL3vJw

But sorry it’s an upsetting situation for you, OP.

Draincover · 27/04/2022 08:11

Tbh my partner is both controlling and very nosy, and it can feel too much having them enter every forum, part of my life.

Some conversations interactions should be private. Partners should not get to read private correspondence. Or have full access to your brain and thoughts!

That said, Facebook is such a different thing to different people. And it's used in many different ways. For lols, yearbooks, photo collections, dating, shopping, politics and spying.

I must admit I have thought countless times about blocking my partner from accounts!

We have many persona's.

The whole lack of boundaries and safeguards in Facebook, has led me to just treat it like a public forum. Which is a shame as I value small private back and forths and group interactions.

Of course I am projecting here. It's a very complicated space.

But FB can be the preserve of school friends, brief interactions and family. I find it such an abhorrent mess and waste of time I stay well clear, but that's just me.

Original poster
Dolly103 · 27/04/2022 08:24

Draincover · 27/04/2022 08:11

Tbh my partner is both controlling and very nosy, and it can feel too much having them enter every forum, part of my life.

Some conversations interactions should be private. Partners should not get to read private correspondence. Or have full access to your brain and thoughts!

That said, Facebook is such a different thing to different people. And it's used in many different ways. For lols, yearbooks, photo collections, dating, shopping, politics and spying.

I must admit I have thought countless times about blocking my partner from accounts!

We have many persona's.

The whole lack of boundaries and safeguards in Facebook, has led me to just treat it like a public forum. Which is a shame as I value small private back and forths and group interactions.

Of course I am projecting here. It's a very complicated space.

But FB can be the preserve of school friends, brief interactions and family. I find it such an abhorrent mess and waste of time I stay well clear, but that's just me.

Sorry you are experiencing this.
I can see Facebook is both helpful and not but I personally love seeing friends/ parters interactions with others not in a snooping way just as a level of trust for me.

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 27/04/2022 08:43

He either doesn’t want anyone/someone to know about you or he spends time posting things he knows you’ll disagree with. Neither are particularly reassuring.

timeisnotaline · 27/04/2022 09:25

A partner who’s behaviour has caused problems who is happy with lots of Fb friends but not his partner because he doesn’t want ‘people’ knowing his business isn’t a good partner. If he doesn’t want the woman he lives with knowing his Fb business I’d move on.

CrumpetStrumpet · 27/04/2022 09:34

He wants to appear single/hide what he's upto.

You live together. You're his partner. His whole argument is ridiculous.

What other red flag behaviour has he exhibited?

Imogensmumma · 27/04/2022 10:27

That is really shady and odd.

Opaljewel · 27/04/2022 10:37

Create a fake profile of a sexy young woman and see if he adds you!

girlmom21 · 27/04/2022 10:40

People wouldn't have to know his business if he added you. That's a really strange excuse.

Whatever his reasoning, he's hiding something from you and he's hiding you from something.

Vividdreaming1 · 27/04/2022 10:47

OP - you are both in your 50ies, you got your children, I presume you are still working, why do you need this stress? I mean the stress that this partner brings. I'm in an unhappy marriage and we are going through the motions until DD is older, but I can't wait to be free again. Once this is over, I'm looking forward to have no man-related stress in my life.

vitahelp · 27/04/2022 10:50

What he says doesn't make sense, why would he even have a Facebook if he wants to be private? Does he know he can delete/deactivate his page?!

Babyvenusplant · 27/04/2022 10:57

Did you interact a lot with him while you were on his Facebook? Like tag him in lots of things and comment on all his posts?

I used to have Facebook years ago and my exh always used to spam me with LOADS of stuff, was one of the many reasons I got rid of it altogether

If you didn't spam him I would be hughly suspicious

Original poster
Dolly103 · 27/04/2022 11:20

No I rarely comment on his stuff… just lithe odd time if he was away travelling etc.

OP posts:
Sally872 · 27/04/2022 11:39

When you were Facebook friends did you tag him in things? Or comment more than he would wish to share?

Only acceptable reason but his solution should be to ask you not to put too much detail on his posts or tag him. Not to block you.

I would also be upset and worried there is a worse reason for blocking.

bigbaldbecky · 27/04/2022 11:45

luv Finnish wiv him, he aint adding you on Facebook, red flag red flag