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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex New BF

45 replies

MatchPoint100 · 27/04/2022 06:15

My kids let slip my ex had a new boyfriend the other day. Wasn't prying, came out during a normal conversation.

I left last August, has been a horrible time but much happier. New BF was inevitable and always going to be a surprise, not a problem.

What's not sitting right with me is. He is from her work and it was 3 months after I left before my son met him having come from the bedroom. He's 10.

I just think it's too soon and I would be waiting a very long time before I introduced a GF. We have shared custody and I have plenty of space/time to ensure a GF is discreet.

Just want thoughts.
Thanks

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 27/04/2022 06:33

It's pretty quick but it's up to her ultimately it's not worth arguing over.

girlmom21 · 27/04/2022 06:35

It's not the way I'd want my kids to meet a new partner but there's nothing you can do unfortunately

unicornsarereal72 · 27/04/2022 07:00

You get no say in how the other parent chooses to live. Have friends and new partners. There is much my ex has done that I don't agree with. It's on him. The kids voted with their feet.

All you can do is parent how you are comfortable with. And ensure your child feels comfortable sharing any concerns they may have.

Original poster
MatchPoint100 · 27/04/2022 07:06

Thanks

I know it's nine of my business, just concerned the effects it will have on kids feeling a bit torn and confused. Ive told my son it's cool and me and mum will have gf/bf's and he can talk about him in front of me if he wants and I won't bring it up again.

She's already been divorced, ripped the kids out of their home 12 years ago without explaining anything to them and 1 of them definitely has emotional issues and was stealing from all of us including my young siblings for years.

I just don't want any more emotional stress for them as I know they internalise feelings and it will show/develop in unknown ways.

Anyway. Thanks.

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 27/04/2022 07:53

It doesn’t matter if you think it’s too soon. That’s not your call to make. Each of you will take responsibility for the people you introduce your children to while they’re with you. Your ex hasn’t done anything wrong.

Original poster
MatchPoint100 · 27/04/2022 10:56

Noted. Thanks

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/04/2022 12:05

It's a lot earlier than I'd have chosen to introduce a 10yo - let alone bumping into on the landing (and I'd be cringing so hard if I was the new gf in this scenario.)

It sounds like you've handled it sensitively with your son so there really isn't anything else you can do. Unfortunately a parent can legally do pretty much anything they please on their contact time regardless of what's best for the child.

5128gap · 27/04/2022 12:33

In your position I'd want to know a bit more about the situation. How does your son feel about having the man in his home? What is your ex doing to ensure discretion and that your son is not made to feel uncomfortable? How well is the man known to your ex? Is your son ever alone with him?
Its a tightrope between coming across as trying to control your ex/appearing mistrustful of her decisions, and taking your joint responsibility to ensure your DS is safe and happy.
Any conversation would need to be very tactful, but I do think it needs to happen.

Original poster
MatchPoint100 · 27/04/2022 14:53

@5128gap

He likes him, no idea how often he is there. I just think 3 mo the after I leave is very soon for him and not sure if it will have any effects. Seems fine at the moment though and it's been a few months. He's not moved in.

Anyway. I'd just do it differently, but there ya go.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 27/04/2022 14:56

If she messaged on here saying "three months after ex left, 10 DS bumped into the new bf who'd stayed overnight" she'd be torn to shreds on here for being so selfish and irresponsible. So it isn't that people think she'd OK to do it, just that you get no say.

Make it clear DS can be at yours at much as he wants and if it turns into a revolving door or men and he's uncomfortable, he can live with you permanently. Obv in a more appropriate way than that.

Original poster
MatchPoint100 · 27/04/2022 15:31

@SleepingStandingUp

Thanks. I know it's none of my business, but I do think it was far too soon for kids to see that and do think she has not thought about ramifications. We both get every other weekend off so a lot of time for discretion

OP posts:
BlimBosh · 27/04/2022 15:41

OP it is too bloody soon and it boils my piss when people involve new partners with their children - particularly when they have 50:50 so plenty of time to conduct their relationships outside of family life.

I have seen so many kids been negatively impacted by this sort of selfish behaviour.

Unfortunately, there is fuck all you can do except acknowledge what your ex is an arse and keep providing love and support to your children.

Birdy78 · 27/04/2022 15:41

I understand your concern about your kids but you’re in a no win situation here. You obviously have a lot of hurt and anger you’re still processing but do your best to not make the situation worse in any way. Just be as great a dad to your kids as possible, never bad mouth their mother to them, and don’t question them about what’s happening when they’re with her. Kids are resilient but soon pick up tension and will act out. Once a couple part you have no control over their life UNLESS it directly causes harm to your children. Having a guy over to stay is not in the same league as smoking crack !

Pinkbonbon · 27/04/2022 16:35

I'd imagine she knew him from work for longer than the 3 months they had dated so its probably fine. No sense getting worked up about it I don't think.

Original poster
MatchPoint100 · 27/04/2022 16:59

@BlimBosh @Pinkbonbon

I think she is selfish and thinking of herself and I'm glad you said that, other people have too.

It's not about how long she's known him and it's not about her dating, of course it was a little blow, but my main point is 3 months after I leave she has introduced another man to my son, who has already been emotional about various things and bursting into tears at school because he hasn't been spending enough time with her.

I just think that she could have been discreet and thought about the impact it would have on him. Granted he lives in a different city and isn't there all the time. Me....The supposedly selfish one, would not even dream of doing that, they are oblivious to me having a new GF.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 27/04/2022 17:08

I think we tend to overestimate the affect being introduced to a new person has on kids though.

I mean its probably like "hey son, this is jim" "cool, hello Jim, can I go play with my xbox now mum?"

Unless he moved in I don't think it's actually a big deal tbh. So long as the kid still had his own room and his own space.

I can see why it's irked you a bit but I wouldn't say it was selfish of her tbh. Probably for the best the kid gets used to you both dating tbh.

Original poster
MatchPoint100 · 27/04/2022 17:14

@Pinkbonbon

Fair enough, but I'll always revert to 3 months is personally too soon, but I think you are right about they need to get used to us dating. 3 months later they are still getting used to us being separated after me being there every day. Literally, I worked from home and for 3 years previous I was the main carer and she was hardly around.

Anyhoook

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 27/04/2022 17:14

Some of these responses remind me how different the comments are when it's a man posting 🙄

OP, fwiw I think she's selfish and irresponsible. It's far too soon in my view. I understand your concerns. What I would do is remind her that you have space and time for the children and she can have time to conduct her relationship. I don't think it's wrong of you to raise your concern with her either.

JoeGoldberg · 27/04/2022 17:19

I mean its probably like "hey son, this is jim" "cool, hello Jim, can I go play with my xbox now mum?"

But that's not what happened here. OPs DS bumped into the new bloke on the landing and he was obviously coming from mum's room.

I wouldn't be happy about it either OP, I think she's selfish and your DS must've cringed so much! That's just not fair imo. My exh is many things but at least he managed to stick to the no introductions until 6 month in, which is just as well because he had a revolving door of partners after the split.

Original poster
MatchPoint100 · 27/04/2022 17:20

@JoeGoldberg

Not on the landing, but came from upstairs and had clearly stayed the night and sun new that.

OP posts:
Original poster
MatchPoint100 · 27/04/2022 17:22

@TheFormidableMrsC

Yip.

OP posts:
JoeGoldberg · 27/04/2022 17:23

Yeah worded it wrong but essentially meant it was obvious he'd stayed over.

Original poster
MatchPoint100 · 27/04/2022 18:43

@Birdy78

That's what I'm trying to do. He had a Lego Bugatti she bought for Xmas, he was so excited. 5 months later it's still not built as he needs help and gets upset if I ask him about it, so can't anymore. Asked her if he could bring it here so I can help, no chance. Just winds me up. Daughter had roller skates for birthday, I use to take her out every opportunity, not been used since. I could go on.

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 27/04/2022 19:12

But that is on her. You can't make the other parent step up. We can all give a list of things we think the other parent should do. Or could do better.

I'm the resident parent do all the school stuff out of school activities. Appointment etc etc. I'm sure the kids father has his own list of my wrong doings.

I agree it was too soon. It shouldn't of happened. Things could be done differently. Or better. All you can do is be the best parent you can be and let the children know your door is always open etc.

Original poster
MatchPoint100 · 27/04/2022 19:17

@unicornsarereal72

Annnnnnnyway. Thanks for the responses. Time to lay it to bed.

OP posts:
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