Ex New BF

[MatchPoint100]

My kids let slip my ex had a new boyfriend the other day. Wasn't prying, came out during a normal conversation.

I left last August, has been a horrible time but much happier. New BF was inevitable and always going to be a surprise, not a problem.

What's not sitting right with me is. He is from her work and it was 3 months after I left before my son met him having come from the bedroom. He's 10.

I just think it's too soon and I would be waiting a very long time before I introduced a GF. We have shared custody and I have plenty of space/time to ensure a GF is discreet.

Just want thoughts.
Thanks

Probably was way too soon to be introduced especially in the context they saw him, but if they only just mentioned it now 5 months later on I would imagine it hasn't had an emotional impact or they would have mentioned sooner.

Funny, there was a post just the other day and rather than staying on the topic of the actual question posters were falling over themselves to jump on the op for the short amount of time she had been seeing her partner and that he'd met the kids/was at the house. Good old double standards on Mumsnet.

@LunaMay @Imperfectp3rf3ction

I'm very aware of the double standards of MM 😂

I thought the same, but I just want to pre-empt any issues, I think it's because they don't often see him. My daughter did try to say ssssshhhhh to my son when he slipped up.

Still think it's too soon though. It is what it is. I'm swinging more towards 75% too soon.

It drives me mad. The whole tone changes when it's a man asking the exact same question. It's not ok in my view. It should be a safe space for all.

@TheFormidableMrsC

I have posted as a woman before because of this but when you slip up.....Ooooh god, all hell breaks loose. It's a shame.

It's called mumsnet but basically it's just a high traffic site to post a question. I've been on it for 12 years on and off.

Unfortunately a lot of man haters, which I completely understand as people have been hurt, but yes, it should be a place for all because it is a good place to get rounded views.....Sometimes

@LunaMay

Would be interested to see that.

I couldn't disagree more.

I was exactly this age when my DM started dating again.

She had left my DF 6 years earlier and we met the new man in a cafe (certainly not coming out of a bedroom) but it still made me feel sick.

This 10 year old has had his parents split and seen evidence of his mum shagging within a few months. Ugh.

@whiteroseredrose

This was my point. Couldn't care less she's dating, was a little blow at first. I care more about this shit fact that it is 3 months after I leave, kids are still processing as much as kids can and she does this. My thinking is I just don't know what feelings it creates in them, because they won't know what they are feeling and how to process.

See. I'm flitting between it's none of my business, which it isn't. To what a selfish woman who is just thinking of herself.

3 months afterwards and a man who clearly slept over is in the house and comes from upstairs.

I am flabbergasted, she loves to think of herself as this wonderful, motherly figure when she clearly disregarded any thought for the kids or effect it may have, especially my son.

This 10 year old has had his parents split and seen evidence of his mum shagging within a few months. Ugh.

Ugh indeed. He must've felt beyond embarrassed. And from what OP says she gets time to herself when she can have him over without making it awkward for her son. I started dating when my own DS was around 10, and I know he would've curled up inside if he'd seen the bloke coming down obviously from my bedroom. So I didn't put him in that position.

I think your ex is selfish, OP. Yeah we know it's none of our business what out ex's get up to or when they introduce new partners to our kids, but it doesn't make it any less shit when stuff like this happens. This wasn't even an introduction ffs, it was an oops moment.

If it makes you feel any better, on that thread the woman OP got a very hard time of it for introducing a new bf very quickly, far worse than any response you've had, so it doesn't serve as an example of women OPs getting a softer ride than men. I think what it does show is the number of people who take pleasure in having a go at OPs, male and female, for reasons varying from contrariness to down right spite. People always claim double standards, but unless it's the exact same people responding differently to a man than a woman, it's not really.

I think it's been a mixture, maybe slightly more she's wrong.

I did txt her and in a gentle way say it wasn't right, think of kids, but it's her life.

Then I txt the next day to apologise as it's none of my business

Now. I feel justified in feeling she is selfish. Especially as she has a lot of time where kids are with me / every other Fri,Sat,Sun.

I'm glad I let her know I know and hope she feels bad, but to her, I'm wrong she's right and she will be slagging me off to people about how I'm trying to control her.

She's been completely irresponsible! I started dating about a year after we moved houses and even then I only dated when my kids were at their dad's. It was only after I'd been in a serious relationship for quite a while that my kids met him and even now, I usually see him when my kids aren't with me.

Before meeting him, I told my kids that it was my boyfriend, that it didn't affect them, that he's not going to live here or be their new dad etc.

My ex just brought his gf to dinner without talking to the kids about it and she more or less moved in (we had been split a while so time was not the issue, it was how he went about it). 2 of my kids are still struggling with her now (even though she's really nice).

It's disconcerting for the kids! They should have things explained to them and there should have been a period for them to process things and for the parents to make sure that they're ok about it.

I would be furious with her op

Well its not your business what she does, but your son's welfare is your business and sometimes the two overlap. You sound like you've been respectful and reasonable, and shouldn't let concern about being called 'controlling' stop you speaking up for your son.

@5128gap

I never will. After leaving this RL I made a decision to express what I feel when I think it deserves it. Only ever to do with kids welfare.

When in that RL I couldn't express anything as it was always very cleverly turned back on me. I don't care what people think. They won't tell her anyway whether they feel she is right or wrong.

@Vikinga

Thanks. I'm not furious, but flabbergasted that she thinks it's okay, it's the fact that I left and in 3 months he was there. Kids know he was from work too. It was definitely 3 months she's been seeing him, but obviously or possible more has been going on slowly without my knowledge. I'll never know that.

As I said, she can do no wrong and she will always twist and turn her way out of it making me look like the bad guy. Hence why I am not with her.

I also have kids in the week to just to clarify. It's 50/50

Thought I'd bump for maybe a few more opinions. Thank you.

Why do you want more opinions, OP? There's an overwhelming majority that it's too soon and was handled poorly, but there's nothing you can do about it.

Jesus you're not thinking of showing her the thread?!

No. I'm still just wrestling with it and am questioning myself.

Deep down I really know its not okay, but over the years I've questioned myself because she was very clever in turning things around.

I think it is incredibly hard for her to realise she is not this perfect person she thinks she is. Could never accept any criticism or fault.