How does one explain this to someone who just doesn’t get it?

[redhoodred1]

The Amber Heard and Johnny Depp case has really raised a lot of questions for me.

After years of severe coercive control and abuse, I found out that my ex partner had been recording and video taping my darkest moments.

The police just don’t understand. How do you explain the fact that he had all of this ‘evidence’ implying that you’re a total whack job but you have nothing?

I had absolutely pure intentions for my relationship and so it never occurred to me in any capacity to ‘gather evidence.’ I felt that his behaviour was my fault, so why on earth would I record him or take pictures of injuries when I felt so implicated and responsible?

On the other hand, I would be driven to the edge of insanity and then he would record the ‘outburst.’ Many weeks/months of calculated abuse went into preparing those very moments.

I see things so clearly now that I am out of it and have had counselling.

How on earth do I convince police that I am the victim here and NOT the aggressor?

He had me arrested for harassment after I tried to contact him to find out why I had been diagnosed with an STI that day.

Now I am stuck trying to ‘prove my innocence.’

Its been hell.

There are some incredibly sharp and intellectual women on here, any advice, suggestions would be grateful appreciated!!!

Is there anyone who can advocate for you? If a professional, all the better. Mental health, Women's Aid, anyone who has supported you? Women's Aid would probably be a good place to get some advice on this if you haven't already been in touch with them.

Thanks. I do have a support worker but it’s just extremely difficult explaining actual video footage and audio recordings. He drove me insaneeeeeee beyond belief at times. He even used to attend my university lectures and I wasn’t allowed to go without him. I felt suffocated.

Unfortunately, he is the one with the ‘evidence.’

Is this the , x person pushes etc, while recording and when you react based on the person doing x, it then makes you look like the bad one ?

People shouldn't be recording you when you have an expectation of privacy. Did he tell you he was recording?

Yes!!! Exactly that. But I mean pushesssss

No it was all done covertly. I caught him doing it one time and then it became apparent that he had been doing it for a very long time.

He even gave me an STI (I take my sexual health extremely seriously and had regular check ups despite only sleeping with one man) and when I called him loads of times in the space of about 15 minutes to find out what why this had happened he reported me to the police for harassment and I was arrested 😭😭😭😭😭

I wasn’t arrested until 5 weeks later can you believe it and so he just kept calling me from private number. When I asked him why he just brushed it off.

it’s been a nightmare 😭😭😭😭😭

I have noooooooo idea how this happened! I tried for about 15 minutes to get in touch and then gave up.
A friend of mine received over 100 emails and over 12 letters from a female harasser and the police did nothing more than call her and tell her to stop.

I don’t know what he said to the officers but it worked!

They didn’t even contact me to ascertain why I was trying to make contact. I was just arrested

It's shit.

The ‘more to the story part’ is whatever lies he has told that I am not aware of.

The officers advised me that there were ‘lots of comments’ but they cannot disclose his statement to me until the interview date, and maybe not even then it’s at the discretion of the investigating officer.

What I know for sure, is that I did not swear, use threatening language, make any violent statements, I simply called and called and said I NEED to speak to him. After about 10-15 minutes of trying he messaged me saying ‘you’re harassing me,’ which I thought was a joke.

I then gave up and didn’t speak to him again until HE came to my place the next day.

What really really drives me mad, is that the police did not call/contact me to ask why I was calling. Neither did they speak to him to check if the ‘harassment’ had continued. If they did, they would have know that after that date I stopped speaking to him, and forensics on his phone would have let them know that he was calling me from withheld numbers.

The whole thing has been a total injustice and a major slap in the face to me as a victim of violent assaults and abuse.

I even lost a job opportunity since they said that they ‘couldn’t take the risk with someone who was being investigated for harassment’ since I would be around vulnerable people.

How do I explain the recordings, and now the allegation? My mind is going to explode.

He is without a date, one of the most manipulative, spiteful, wicked but most incredibly charming men I have ever met in my life.

Doubt*

The last part is what sucked me in.

Sorry I meant THE MOST not one of the most

If you were arrested, didn’t you explain your side of things during your police interview?

No, because it was the safeguarding team at another police station that listed me as wanted on their system.

The police attending my property looking for me and made enquiries with neighbours, my neighbour called and advised me of the situation but said that the police stated that they were ‘worried about me since I had called them.’
I had stayed at a friends house and on the way home I stopped by MY local police station which is in a different borough to enquire about why there were officers attending my address. The PC then stated that I had to be detained since I was under arrest. He had to make several calls to get another officer down to formally arrest me, but I pleaded my case ‘informally’ to him and he finally managed to get the senior officer to release me on a caution plus 3.

So I am awaiting to interview date at present.

Attended**

My experience is that the police don't listen. They have an agenda of prosecuting more female abusers.

I should have been arrested when ex beat me up in our home. Police called by a neighbour. His story Vs my story. No clear aggressor to them. Ex had a panic attack when the police turned up, fear of being caught no doubt, so I was deemed the aggressor.

They didn't even bother to speak to the neighbour who saw him beating me up through the window. It was only because ex chose to not press charges that I didn't get arrested.

He sounds incredibly dangerous. Please block him on absolutely everything. And make sure your home security is good. Be completely honest with the police in the interview, tell them he frightens you, he was highly abusive, had been manipulating you throughout the relationship and then secretly filming it. That he came over to yours after reporting you for harassment. That you want nothing to do with him. Keep this creature as far from you as possible. I would get therapy to start to process what has happened to you. It is terrifying that these people walk among us.

It really is terrifying to think that there are people like him in the world. Any the worst part is that he comes across as incrediblyyyyyy charming. He is 6’2, very handsome, muscular, funny, charismatic and has a very ‘warm’ energy. When his behaviour changed so drastically I was caught of guard beyond belief.
he went from telling me how beautiful and amazing I was, to telling me that ‘he can get someone so much prettier than me but he wouldn’t love her the way he loves me.’ That although I wasn’t what ‘most men would find physically attractive’ he was drawn to me for the person I was as opposed to the way I looked.

In my mind, he was just ‘speaking his truth’ and I wasn’t pretty and I had to accept that. Fast forward a year and he was full blown accusing me of shagging almost every single one of my male neighbours, calling me the most filthy things and physically assaulting me. The process I realise now that I am out of it, was INCREDIBLY well orchestrated. By the time he was assaulting me and bullying me in a more obvious way, I was already broken and incapable of leaving.

When he did this, I KNEW I wasn’t the problem. It exposed him to me as an evil spiteful person. I had spent 4 years believing he was ‘lovely’ but I was responsible for all of his negative actions.

I have not breathed a single word to him since I was detained at the station. I never ever will again. But now I’m stuck trying to explain the to police that I am not nuts, I was driven insane at times by someone who was incredibly spiteful to me.

I was faaarrr too empathetic towards him, hence I stayed.

I’m so sorry!! This is EXACTLY my point. These people are masters at making the victim look insane.

How on earth do I make the police understand what’s happened 😭😭😭😭

OP I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s shit.

Ultimately, the problem lies with the police. They obviously deal a lot of domestic abuse incidents with seem to be completely uneducated about the complexities of abusive relationships.

My ex did similar to me. He was raping me in my sleep and my mental health was on. the floor. Yes I admit I did send too many angry text messages (never any actual stalking or similar) and then the wanker made sure he went to the police to report me for harassment first, presumably to scare me into not reporting him I suppose.

I was in such a mess, this may sound odd but it took me a while to realise that what he was doing was actually rape.

Anyway, years on I clearly have a lot of unresolved issues. I have just started the Freedom Programme and I’d recommend you get yourself on the waiting list as soon as you can. I’ve only done one session so far, it’s very harrowing but has also been a revelation to finally start to realise that the problem was all his, not mine.

I will report the rape to the police one day. Mainly because if he’s done it to anyone else then they are more likely to believe them too.

I did try to bring it up with a policeman once (had to go to the policestation as ex was accusing me again of sending more messages through my DDs phone but I wasn’t - it was her that called him a prat, not me!). The policeman didn’t react very well when I mentioned something about rape, I think he thought I was going to make a false accusation or something. So I left it.

I really wish I knew how you can get the police to understand. I had legal advice and was told when the police rang me to give me my slap on the wrist, as they couldn't arrest me, I was to keep quiet and nod and agree to all they said. I wanted to yell at them and tell them to do their job properly, but my solicitor friend told me it would do me no good. So I kept quiet. Felt better when the police were called by one of his new neighbours in regard his on street aggression that she saw.

My friend's ex was far worse than mine. He went to the police first. Kept making accusations over the slightest thing so it was all on record. Kept on pushing and proding her, then recording her stfu explosions. Ended up with children's services involved, which made things even worse for my friends mental health. Police kept on at her rather than him. Children's services began to realise after 2 years what a narcissistic personality he was and that actually my friend was being repeatedly pushed into insanity by him. Took that long sadly.

Get yourself the best legal advice you can afford and don't let him get to you anymore if you can help it. Try to keep away from alcohol/drugs too... short term I know they may feel good, but he's not worth you gaining an addiction.

I wish you all the best on your journey OP.

im so sorry ladies! How unfortunate it is that we have ended up with such vile men.

You have just hit a key point though!!! something that I did not think of! Perhaps he has called lots of times over the years to report me and that’s why this time they chose to make an arrest.

This really never occurred to me! Since the police don’t always arrest sometimes they just take a statement and it’s left there. I will call them now to check!

Ill be lividddd if he has! How dare he stain my name when I haven’t done anything wrong