How to get over an ex husband when you co-parent

[Applejack12]

Hi all, first time posting but I need a bit of support and quite frankly I fear my poor friends are getting sick of me now. I’ve been separated from my husband 3 years now. It wasn’t a nice split, we split and he got with someone straight away after 10 years together. The person was someone he worked with and I found out after had been having an affair with for the last 4 years of our marriage. Devastated was an understatement, it made me very ill and has really affected me. However whilst difficult, he is great dad and we coparent effectively. We have been amicable for our children who were 4 and 7 at the time. He has them 3 nights, pays maintence without argument and supports all their sports activities.
The issue lies with me. I’ve never gotten over it. I miss him dreadfully although after counselling do realise I am better off without him. He has a beautiful home, seemingly happy relationship with her, good job and has come out on top.
Ive managed to rebuild my career, purchase a lovely shared ownership house and on paper looks great. Divorce was finalised last week (all amicable) and I have fallen to pieces. I have had unsuccessful relationships with guys I know I wouldn’t get attached too which have obviously ended disastrously including a nasty stalker type and an unwanted pregnancy then early miscarriage (my children have not met these men). I feel I’m not over losing my family, my best friend and my old life. I would love to find my person and have a healthy relationship. I’m trying to work on me and stay single but I’m so lonely. Ex said he questions his decisions all the time when trying to make me feel better about divorce but it’s made me feel worse. Any words of hope/advice? It’s so hard to move on being in constant contact and ‘friends’ for the children. I cannot afford anymore counselling and Dr’s just want to stuff me with antidepressants.

You need to go grey rock with your ex
inknow he’s not abusive but you can’t heal with this constant presence
many people
can competent whilst interacting minimally
until you get over the hump

I’m sorry it’s all very hard and sad
but I’d the first step is trying to complete this relationship

I’m sorry the flings after didn’t work out

And constant contact and being friends isn’t for you
you don’t have to do this in order to co parent

I’ve just googled grey rock. It would be difficult and I don’t think he would be very understanding as he has it as he wants it now. Comes in house, controls their activities, we message daily about the children and he calls them on my phone whenever he wants. Don’t want to make it difficult for the children but I need to do something as clearly it’s not working as I’m still stuck three years down line. Thanks for the suggestion Thisisworsethananticipated.

You certainly don't have to be 'friends' at this point to be amicable. I would conduct all conversations about the kids by email (less intrusive than text messages) rather than face to face. Perhaps have a separate email address just for him, so you can choose when to look at it. When it's something you need to discuss more in real time, you could FaceTime to avoid the direct contact.

Don't find out anything about him. Stalking his SM or asking the kids about him is just torturing yourself.

It's so unfair that he's the one at fault and you're the one worse off but there's nothing you can do about that in the immediate present. Work on yourself as much as you can to build your self esteem. When he's got the kids, try and do something positive: learn something new or spend time looking after yourself or with friends.

If you can't afford therapy (although it's worth a try looking for low cost counselling in your area or looking on Counselling Directory for therapists that offer discounts for those on a low wage - some therapists also will see you fortnightly or even monthly) then go on YouTube for some self help support. Therapy in a Nutshell is really good for helping you work through painful emotions.

Also there may be a Meetup Group online or in person for people going through what you are. Take care of yourself and be as kind to you as you would be to a friend who is going through this.

Oh, and don't entertain his indulgent nonsense about whether he's made the right decision. How dare he use you to work through that. Hasn't he hurt you enough. Wanker! At least it's his OW that will always be wondering if she can trust him, not you!

And he doesn't have to be understanding. You have to set your own boundaries. He doesn't have to come in the house or control their activities. Get a separate phone for him the kids (PAYG) and he has to email to arrange a time.

You are no longer married to this man and yet he is still in control of you. Get your control back! You can be assertive, you don't have to argue with him.

I don’t agree with grey rock in your circumstances

you read to me like all your feelings are totally right. You know your children need a father and are facilitating that. You are hurt and betrayed, rocked, that is understandable. You are trying to move on by buying a house, well done. You’ve dipped your toes into a relationship and realised you aren’t ready, good for you for trying and being honest. You don’t want to be pumped of ADs, good for you because you instinctively know that you need to work through this feeling your emotions.

it’s time. That’s all. Your moves are progress and you are completely normal. You’ve only just finalised the divorce ffs!

be patient, keep doing what you are doing, making steps forward.

I think it takes 5 years to get over a divorce FULLY

Can you go away for a bit, with or without the kids? Travel does sometimes work for getting over men.

Ugh that whole questioning of his decision. What a scumbag.

Of course it's taking you longer to get over him. He checked out emotionally years earlier, while you were whole hearted and loyal the whole time.

@Applejack12

You don't need to let him into your home. There's no need, even if "he has it as he wants it now".

This is YOUR safe space - have the children ready and send them out without him coming into your home.

You also don't have to be friends of any description, civil and calm is enough. He doesn't have to like it, but I'm guessing you didn't like the fact that he cheated on you for four years before the divorce.

He really is controlling you, sadly, and you are not yet confident enough to put those boundaries in place. For your own sake, however, you do need to do so to protect your mental health. Strength to you OP. 🌹

Applejack12

so he Left you and cheated ? Has another woman and had for a while
it still despite this disrespect gets what he wants with you unable to exiee re as your valid anger

nah ! Fuck that
I assert that providing access to father doesn’t mean he had to be in and out of your life and home like this

I think the grieving often starts when the divorce is finalised as that's the official time when the marriage ended. So in your situation it's still recent.

Grief for a marriage is complex and often about the losses, not just related to the Ex spouse. You grieve the loss of the future you assumed, the trust you lost, the financial stability, the home, the chance of being a family.

You may need to journal your feelings. I had similar sense of Ex having "wo@n" in life post divorce but when I wrote out what he had "won" I realised he didn't have what I do...the love, time and respect of the children. In your case Ex has lost you and time with his children. Could his keeness to remain friends be because he doesn't want to lose you??

I think distance might be needed. Not hostility but a boundary that shows you are two separate households. This might only be needed whilst you are working through the grief.

Good for you for remaining single for a while. Try and focus on one challenge in your life, maybe it's a fitness goal, a travel plan etc it will just act as an distraction.

Btw, good touvare amicable but your Ed isn't that much of a catch if he was a lying cheat for years. They says quite alot about him!

I'm not sure many of us ever get over a messy divorce, especially when OW are involved and the deceit is hard to cope with.
Saying that, don't for one second believe that he is living a better life than you are. Men (in general) jump straight into another relationship as they are rubbish at being on their own and don't want to be single in middle age. Often they regret their choices but will never own up to it.
Enjoy the double bed! Enjoy not having to answer to anyone ! Enjoy not having to put the loo seat down or pick up dirty boxers off the floor!!
This is your time now.... live it!

Definitely stop allowing him to come into your home!
I made the mistake of allowing my ex to come into my house when we split, thinking it’d be better for our dc’s, but little did I know he was snooping around upstairs (until I caught him) whilst supposedly going to the toilet.
Even taking away the fact your ex may or may not be doing the same, your house is your home, and should be a place where he doesn’t get to enter as you need to rebuild your life away from his presence as much as possible.
You need to regain some control, and If he’s now as amicable as you say, he’ll understand and respect your choice if you explain that it’s best for him to not go into your home anymore.

Although, I’ve a feeling that it’ll piss him off (as it did my ex) if he knows he can’t come and go as he pleases, and you’ll probably find that the only reason he has been ‘amicable’ is because he still wants to know everything that’s going on in your life.
By allowing him into your home, you’re continuing to let him know too much about the way you’re living, if you’ve got a new partner etc etc .

Don’t give him the satisfaction of keeping tabs on you.

I’ve read through these and slowly realisation is dawning on me. This is why I’m still stuck. I deserve to be happy and I’m just sick of feeling like this. I will write a set of boundaries for him and as you say if he is a ‘friend’ then he will
understand what I need and if he kicks off then I guess that’s his true colours. Further enforcing the decision. The counsellor is saw a couple of years back said they same thing but I couldn’t do it then. I really hoping I can do it now that the divorce is final as everyone deserves to be happy and some days I wish I could just disappear at the moment xx Thank you all, you have really helped me 🙏

He tells you that he ‘questions his decisions all the time’. So not only did he betray you in the lowest and most painful way, he’s now betraying his mistress. What a prince among men. You don’t have to be ‘friends’ with this creep, and creep is what he is. He isn’t your friend, although it clearly suits him to behave as such.

You need to take control and do what is right for you. And having so much ‘friendly’ contact needs to be nipped in the bud.

DangerouslyBored I hadn’t thought of it like that. I’ve put him on such a pedestal but yes, that’s an example of his character. I’ve been blaming myself for not being a good enough wife etc. but you are right, he is betraying, in a sense her too now. I’d be mortified if I were her. All so crappy and unnecessary 😞

Oh op you sound so fed up. I agree with pp's and you do have to put boundaries in place. No wonder you're struggling to recover. He's not your friend, if he's not understanding then that's his issue. Stop him coming into your home, stop talking to him about anything other than the dc. Stop talking to him on a daily basis. You co parent, you don't have a relationship with him any longer

I'm really sorry you're having a bad time 😕You do get 'aftershocks' with divorce where it hits you emotionally, and finalising the divorce may have done that. It also sounds like your ex is a bit emotionally manipulative. Is he suggesting that he made the wrong decisions in the past? It's too late for that sort of talk now! It might also be preventing you from moving on if he is still encouraging you to think, 'what if?'.

Well done and congratulations for building a new life. You have so many successes to celebrate. If you've had some bad experiences with men, think about building your social life in general rather than meeting a partner (eg school fundraising, local activism, arts or music classes, book club), so you feel the support of your community more.

It's like he's got a stick and is just poking at your wound. Take his stick away and then your wound will heal.

Have you read Chump Lady? My friend who was cheated on by her useless sad waste of space ex husband raves about it. And they co-parent their kids wonderfully.

Clymene I have just found chump lady - great stuff, thank you 🙏

You are divorce and coparenting - that does not mean you are friends. He is still controlling you by coming in.

You do need clearly defined boundaries. If he wants to call them when they are with you (are you allowed the same when they are with him) it needs to be a set time. No coming into the house - and what does controlling activities mean?

Controlling activities means that he enrolls the children onto outside school activities without checking with me. Football etc. he pays for it and takes them but I don’t seem to have much of a say even on the days they are with me. I don’t want to deprive them but I think school comes first and it means he takes them to do something nearly every day which means I have to see him when he picks up, drops off and he knows I can’t take them myself as I don’t get home from work on time. Weekends are taken up by football, every weekend, most evenings football. My ex loves football, I obvious tolerate it for my boys as they enjoy it). Just don’t feel I have much control or say and if I do I’m told the boys enjoy it so I feel bad and don’t take it further.

I am allowed to call them too but he never makes sure my son has his mobile switched on (I pay for it) so I end up having to call his own phone. Can’t reiterate enough he is a good dad, it’s just trying to cut out contact I need and having a bit of a say myself.

It would only matter if he was good Dad if you were questioning custody arrangements and I think the split you have if it works for the children is absolutely fine. So his parenting is not relevant to this.

Because it is his relationship with you that is the issue and the boundaries in place.

You need proper boundaries in place. No coming into your house etc. You need to be able to move on

How is contact split, does he see them every other weekend or is it 'as and when'?

You need to start putting some boundaries in place, it's your decision what the dc do when they are with you. If you decide it's football then great, but he can't make arrangements for you during your contact time