How to get over an ex husband when you co-parent

[Applejack12]

Hi all, first time posting but I need a bit of support and quite frankly I fear my poor friends are getting sick of me now. I’ve been separated from my husband 3 years now. It wasn’t a nice split, we split and he got with someone straight away after 10 years together. The person was someone he worked with and I found out after had been having an affair with for the last 4 years of our marriage. Devastated was an understatement, it made me very ill and has really affected me. However whilst difficult, he is great dad and we coparent effectively. We have been amicable for our children who were 4 and 7 at the time. He has them 3 nights, pays maintence without argument and supports all their sports activities.
The issue lies with me. I’ve never gotten over it. I miss him dreadfully although after counselling do realise I am better off without him. He has a beautiful home, seemingly happy relationship with her, good job and has come out on top.
Ive managed to rebuild my career, purchase a lovely shared ownership house and on paper looks great. Divorce was finalised last week (all amicable) and I have fallen to pieces. I have had unsuccessful relationships with guys I know I wouldn’t get attached too which have obviously ended disastrously including a nasty stalker type and an unwanted pregnancy then early miscarriage (my children have not met these men). I feel I’m not over losing my family, my best friend and my old life. I would love to find my person and have a healthy relationship. I’m trying to work on me and stay single but I’m so lonely. Ex said he questions his decisions all the time when trying to make me feel better about divorce but it’s made me feel worse. Any words of hope/advice? It’s so hard to move on being in constant contact and ‘friends’ for the children. I cannot afford anymore counselling and Dr’s just want to stuff me with antidepressants.

How old are the children? Your evenings should be free for your time & choices.

He sees his children and you everyday so he hasn't had to give up much at all.

I think that's why you are struggling- he has a great set up working for him. He gets plenty of childfree time but also sees his children when he wants by using football.

Tell him he will no longer have access to your property, and there’s no need for you both to be texting every day, so he will use an email address for all contact communication. Ignore any blustering bullshit, he can go get attention off his lover, he’s not your problem. The only thing you have to do is make the kids be available for contact at certain times. That’s it. Grey rock will help you with bland, vague replies to him. Vague smile, ‘no thanks!/no, you’re not coming in, cheers, I’ll bring them out to you now./ok/oh well’
He will tantrum because he’s used to having two women pandering to him for years, so have some phrases ready to shut that down.
This bloke sounds easier to get over than a pile of dog shit.

NewandNotImproved

ha ! And we’ll said

op she’s so right , he can go down to one woman pandering

OP sorry that you are feeling this way but your ex sounds unhinged. He says he questions his decisions all the time but was he questioning them during his four year affair? Did he instigate the split to be with the OW?
You been through the wars girl but you need to look after you and build back your self esteem. Like others have said, put some boundaries in place and perhaps focus on just doing nice things for yourself.

He 100% doesn’t get to organise stuff for the kids on your contact days. You need the old mumsnet “that doesn’t work for me”. He should not come in your house and you shouldn’t go in his. If the kids are old enough he should contact them directly to chat if needed but shouldn’t be filling up all the air time on your contact days. You and he don’t need to chat. You should both be respectful in your messaging and be prepared to be a little flexible about contact arrangements now and then but neither should take the piss.

You need space! I am divorced and co-parent amicably with my exH. He and I are not friends and I don’t think we should be. If it weren’t for our shared child we wouldn’t have contact and that seems right to me.

It sounds as though he is deliberately controlling you. Organising things for your children for when you're with them, without discussing with you first - out of order. Turning their phones off when they're with him so you have to contact him - unnecessary. Coming in to your home - not necessary.

Set out those boundaries and stick to them. Keep reminding yourself that he's a lying, cheating, manipulative man who you're well rid of.

You will get there.

You'll get there. I was where you were about a year ago and it feels so wretched.
Hang on in there.
Take a step back from the niceness and put boundaries in place. They get knocked over, you pick them up etc.
Don't stop boys sports now but you can say he doesn't book anything on your nights from now on.
Stop talking at handovers etc. You can be amicable without excessive contact. Give yourself some space from him.
And let yourself grieve. I had a fair few weekends hiding under duvet and sobbing when kids were with him. And I worried terribly I was falling apart - now I realise I was healing. Those weekends were the scabs on my broken heart. They eventually fall off and you feel renewed.
Fwiw now I feel like I can enjoy the friendship with my ex without the longing, misery etc.
Just want to reassure you that it won't always feel crap

I do mean this kindly to you, , but what a horrid man. He has decided to break up the family with his extra marital affair and subsequent relationship, but won’t accept being a divorced, part time Dad. If you ask me, he is using the kids’ sport as an excuse to keep playing full time Dad of the year and keep you hanging on. Football is all good and well, but not if it’s allowing him to mess with the custody arrangements. If they can’t make football on your days because you are working (you know, to keep a roof over their heads) then they can’t do football on that day. They can do whatever suits you as it is your day to parent your children! Not his. Your choice and your look out, not his.
Not to mention his ‘what if I made a mistake’ head fuckery. What a twat!
I totally understand why you are struggling to move on and get closure. He is acting like you’re still a family while living with another woman.
I really hope the comments on here will give you the strength to put firm boundaries in place. You sound like a really lovely person and mum whose self esteem should not be taking this assault from your cheating ex husband.

'I do mean this kindly to you, , but what a horrid man. He has decided to break up the family with his extra marital affair and subsequent relationship, but won’t accept being a divorced, part time Dad. If you ask me, he is using the kids’ sport as an excuse to keep playing full time Dad of the year and keep you hanging on. Football is all good and well, but not if it’s allowing him to mess with the custody arrangements. If they can’t make football on your days because you are working (you know, to keep a roof over their heads) then they can’t do football on that day. They can do whatever suits you as it is your day to parent your children! Not his. Your choice and your look out, not his.
Not to mention his ‘what if I made a mistake’ head fuckery. What a twat!
I totally understand why you are struggling to move on and get closure. He is acting like you’re still a family while living with another woman.
I really hope the comments on here will give you the strength to put firm boundaries in place. You sound like a really lovely person and mum whose self esteem should not be taking this assault from your cheating ex husband.'

^This!!!!! In spades.

How you getting in OP
im sure as it’s a bank
holidays he’s maybe been flexing his toxic muscle
sending strength as you develop a new way xx

It would be difficult and I don’t think he would be very understanding as he has it as he wants it now. Comes in house, controls their activities, we message daily about the children and he calls them on my phone whenever he wants.

This is your problem. You're jumping to his tune and doing what makes him happy without considering your happiness. Your happiness is important. His happiness while under your roof is irrelevant.

He can still call the kids but coming into your house etc isn't ok. I bet you're not going to his house and controlling things.You can't move on while he behaves like this- no future partner would be able to bear you being treated like this

What does controlling activities mean? Controlling what they do at home or something to do with extra curricular activities?

X-post

He's not a good Dad. He is using the kids as a weapon to annoy you. If you took this to court then a judge would say it's ok to do football on days he has them but not on your days. Does he pick them up from school and have the boys at his until football?

If you have the children all ready when he arrives there is no need for him ever to come into your home. A quick handover on doorstep is sufficient. Same when he returns them. Quick handover on doorstep, don't invite him in. Your home is your sanctuary and you do not need to let him invade it. Be matter of fact with him. O used to give my ex a handover note. Dd had a late night last night so maybe tired. DS did not eat much of breakfast so may be hungry soon. That type of thing. 3 or so bullet points then no need to have to talk. Just quick hello, I have children ready. Have a lovely day, then I went in and closed the door. When you get that time use some of it for yourself. If you can't afford therapy could you afford a massage, going to gym and lying in jacuzzi, steam room or sauna? Getting your nails or feet done? A bit of me time with some pamper always made me feel better. Also it is still early days, be gentle on yourself.

Could it be that it boosts his ego to feel that you can’t let him go and would have him back if he decides that’s what he wants?
Actually he sold you a lie when you were married to him. You bought it and trusted that you had a happy marriage and a family life. Unfortunately he was being deceitful then and is probably being deceitful now.
He may have his children’s best interests at heart but not yours.
You could attempt to discuss it with him put your cards on the table explain to him that you are finding the closeness damaging to you. If he is a decent bloke he will understand and make modifications to his behaviour. If he isn’t he will refuse to help you move on and then you will have your answer.
Either way you do need to put the idea that you had a good life with him behind you.
You will get over him and you will find happiness again. Put your faith in yourself and your children- you have got through the worst bit.
Best of luck!

Thank you everyone, reading through these has been really helpful to me and removed him off that pedestal. The football, whilst it irks me, is something the boys love and would be sad if they didn’t do therefore I will allow that. They come first. However, I have now set boundaries and requested he no longer comes into my house, limited texting and only about the children. Calls to my sons mobile only. My responses are brief and non pandering, we set up a schedule for the week ahead on Sundays .
We had a bit of a disagreement over the weekend over football where normally I would have given in also but I held firm.
I treated myself to a complete hair restyle, started running (I’m doing 100k in may for charity) eating better and I feel much much better in general and mentally am in a better place.
I agree sadly he does have his cake and eat it with the children due to football which as I said, I won’t change as it will hurt them too - however he no longer has his cake and eats it with me. To be fair when I explained my reasons and needing to move on now, he did poo poo it (as expected) but has been respectful of it. I need to remain strong and stick to it.
Onwards and upwards, it will get easier to detach myself more and more from him as time goes on. I saw ‘her’ this morning funnily enough , driving to work looking sour and I didn’t feel a thing for the first time. I just thought, you can deal with it now! Good luck! Xx Thank you ladies xx

Great update op
onwards and we’ll done !

I only read your OP and one post after but NO! It is not up to him that he gets to turn up, walk in the house, be messaging all day about the kids. It might well suit him. In his head he went off and had an affair but hey...youre fine with it aren't you? He gets his new life and his old one. At your expense.

Take your house keys off him if he has them. Set times for drop off and pick up (from school not your house or his wherever possible). Unless your children have serious issues theres no reason to message about them every day.

Co parents who can genuinely be friends and parent closely together - great. This...not good. He is not your friend.

Sorry really should have read the update! Your initial post incensed me 😂. Onwards op and well done x

Great to read a bit of positivity and you’re heading in right direction. Good for you OP

Sounds like he's still calling the shots. Which has caused you to get stuck. Walking into your house! Bet you don't do that in his...

But also you trying to find someone because he has, has hurt you. I get that.

But you can assume he's happier than he is. Comparison is the thief of joy. Bet he's stressed and misses his kids and argues with his ex about putting the bins out.

Have you considered doing a divorce/separation course?

I did Restored Lives which really moved me on and gave me a support group equivalent to an NCT group.

It's £50 for 8 weeks but they will also fund people if you can't afford it.

Good luck OP.

It's hard making changes but it's better than being stuck in limbo.

Well done! On a massive tangent but be careful with the running, if it's new to you going from nothing to 100km in a month could take a toll on your body if your footwear isn't up to it :)

I’ve done a bit of running in the past and am generally quite fit running 5k without too much red facedness (I have a horse) 😂 luckily I treated myself to a decent pair of running Nikes last year, pacing myself. Figured on doing min 2.1 miles a day, done 17k since weekend and feel so much better mentally and physically already. I’ve got fools old Epsom salts baths to thank for not aching too much! Xxx Love a tangent btw 😉