Sick and tired of my family!!

[SillySausage25]

As the heading suggests really. My Mum is 79 year old and is toxic and has been this way for years. She spends most of her time manipulating, controlling and scapegoating. She is consumed with her many ailments and suffers with anxiety but won't admit it. You get the picture.

I have 1 half brother who is 11 years older than me and lives 3 hours drive from our home town where myself and my Mum live. We dont really have much to do with each other, only through Mum. He is a very difficult person indeed so best at arms length but we do come together in times of need i.e when Mum is ill etc. From time to time, Mum will go and stay with him for a week. She should have gone recently but they had a few cross words as he told her that she would have to adhere to some new house rules. She disagreed and refused to go. Of course, she totally bitched about him to me but I dont get involved! Anyways, she is 80 soon. She doesn't want a fuss. I said that she could come to my house and we would have a small celebration. She then told me that my brother was coming to visit her on her birthday (a Saturday) so they both agreed that I would have to come and see her on the Sunday!! Or, I could come on the Saturday morning but my brother would be cooking her a meal in the Saturday night so push off, basically. I wasn't sure what to make of it. Why couldn't we all get together but I just said okay. So my idea was to take her for afternoon tea somewhere nice on the Friday as I have the day off work. Until today when she told me plans had changed and she is now going to my brothers for her birthday and the week before. I can't understand it as I thought she didn't want to go previously. Now I know I should be glad she is going in a way as I am afraid that spending leasure time with her is difficult because of how she is. But why cant I shake this feeling of being upset? I feel pushed out. I know it sounds silly, I should be happy shouldn't I?

Leave them to it imo. Won't be you she relies on then will it? Leave that to Golden Boy. Old or not some people are bloody awful.

@Maydaysoonenough that's a brilliant response and made me chuckle 😃. Yes, unfortunately I seem to have 2 bloody awful people in my family. I know its crazy to feel upset but I do, like it or not. I think in my head I want us to be together, celebrating Mums milestone birthday but I am just kidding myself and no matter how I try, I can't let go fully. Both Mum and my brother have been rotten to me over the years.

Don't spend your time and effort on people who treat you badly. This should be a lesson your parent's taught you as a child but I'm guessing there's a good reason you wouldn't have got that message from your family and that you were taught that you need to tolerate bad behaviour from people. I would be winding your relationship back to as little as you feel comfortable with and maybe thinking of some counselling to look at your relationship with yourself and your family.

@prickferrari you are right. Its always been a complicated relationship with Mum and my brother really. Mum is so controlling but years ago I didn't notice it as much and I enjoyed her company. We did allsorts together. As I have gotten older and had a family myself, her behaviour has got worse. I am not close to my brother and tolerate interaction. What I know now is that I feel uncomfortable in her company. I am so anxious after every phone call or visit and that I do not like the person she is. I love her as a Mother and appreciate all the good things as she is not a horrible person all the time, but I no longer talk to her as I used to. I don't let her in as when she knows too much, that's when she has the ammo. But that's all well and good but it doesn't stop the feelings.

You might benefit from joining the Stately Homes thread on Relationships, kind support for people with difficult families.

From my own experience these behaviours are hardwired in some families so no contact or low contact are the choices to protect your own sanity.

No contact with my family has made me realise that I have nothing in common with mine and don't actually like them as people which is probably why I was the family scapegoat. So feeling uncomfortable around them is not unusual Op. The upside is I won't be around for elder care which would be a further insult to the treatment received as a child. Win, win 🙂

The thing is OP, she won’t be considering YOUR feelings in this as she is - fundamentally selfish!!! That’s the kernel of the matter. She will just drift to what suits her in the moment. It’s the way it is and will never change. Speaking from my own similar experience I think all you can do is keep contact low and don’t share personal stuff with her …. It’s hard though. You have to put yourself first. If you are like me you would like to show your care more, but it’s pretty much wasted, and can even become ammunition for them. Look after yourself

@SillySausage25 you are hurt because even though you are an adult and know very well how she functions, you still want your mum’s approval and hate feeling rejected by her.
Its basically yet another of her behaviours where she tells you you don’t count but your Dbro is amazing. And she prefers him to you.

And that hurts. Even if you know, on an intellectual pov, how she is, how he is.

How involve are you with her? Do you see her often etc…? Because I’m wondering if you wouldn’t benefit from stepping back and not see her as often as you do now. At he very least, you’d be removing opportunities for her to hurt you again.

Step back and save your sanity. Just because she is nearly 80 it shouldn’t excuse her shit behaviour towards you. She is not more important than you. Become less involved and let your brother take over since he and your mum seem to be making all the plans without you, she’s ready to drop you at the drop of a hat when he comes calling. She’s manipulative and chaotic and does not care for your feelings.

I would celebrate the fact you are off the hook for the 80th, message your brother to thank him and have the day off in the spa. Your mother is playing games again, with you both this time about her 80th. Deny her the chance and perhaps book a lovely weekend away with friends or a holiday and wish her well.

Don't get drawn and stop doing so much for her, she really doesn't appreciate you at all. Divert the energy back into your own life and interests. As say this as someone with a similar mother always playing us off against each other. She can't do it if you refuse to play.

Op, my birthday fell on mothers day this year, and we arranged to meet in a lovely garden and have a tea party - all organised and decorated etc, until she decides she can't 'risk covid' coming to the garden to sit outside, and then decided to go to my brother's house (with his extended family) for dinner inside instead on my birthday! 🤔

So I do understand - it is shit, but we have to accept who they are, draw up our own boundaries and look after ourselves (they are certainly not going to!) and pull back. I had a great weekend, invited other friends instead and had a blast. You need to get to the point of: Indifference. Acceptance. Distance.

It is very liberating when you get there. You get your life back!

Hi op they selfish at that age. My mother thinks all revolves round her only. It doesnt. I have strict boundaries now. I think if you dont like them limit your time with them thats what I did.

Thank you everyone 💓
If it wasn't the birthday it would be something else.
I started to notice these behaviours when I had my DD 12 years ago. Subtle, but there and I remember certain moments well.
She childminder and we made sure she got everything she wanted because that was the rule if she was childminding. When it became too much we immediately found someone else but that wasn't good enough and she didn't want us to do it that quickly. She went ballistic and it was very nasty and she said some very cruel things.
She was throwing a party and wanted to know why I didn't want her to buy lots of alcohol. She pick and pick and said "I bet you are having a drink at your MIL but you can't have I e at mine" this went on and on and I have to tell her over the phone that I was pregnant and wanted to surprise her. I then got a telling off for telling her in that way!
She has said in the past that when I go on holiday, she gets severe depression.
She talks about taking too much morphine on purpose as she is fed up with life.
She criticises me alot but subtly.
She said she wanted me to decorate for her in July but I am up.yo my eyes renovating my own home and when I said this would not be possible, she reminded me of the recent time she had my DD so I could go out with a friend for lunch.

The list goes on. She no longer asks about me and talks about herself constantly. She struggles at home sometimes but this can be avoided if she used the aids I get her or makes small changes to her lifestyle but she doesn't and when I challenge this, she stops talking about it.
She is negative about everything and everyone. No pleasure in her company anymore.
My brother lived with her for years amd one day he told her he had met someone and was getting married and moving away. He was like an extension of her and I think he hated it. She divorced my Dad 7 years ago and, although not blameless, he is like a different person and I have grown to like him as a person and want a closer relationship with him now. My Mum slagged him off constantly and I always thought he was 100% at fault. Now I realise he wasn't all to blame. I am sad for the missed years and energy I wasted disliking him.

I have slowly decreased contact but maybe this needs to be less. I am not able to go no contact at the moment.

Like you, I only truly saw how awful my mum could be/is when I had my own children. I realised how deeply flawed she is how even when I was in adult she expected me to be subservient to her whilst she spewed toxic commentary about everything and everyone. She will always do what she wants and really has zero self awareness. I do owe her lot, she made a lot of sacrifices for me, and there was love there for me, but her nastiness and narcissism tend to outweigh the positives. She is old now and getting frail now, but she still has a talent to create total chaos and a shit show out of nothing, and to make me feel rubbish about myself.

I am glad to hear you have become closer to your dad. Maybe he can give you some peace. It’s

Please stop asking her to do you any favours, she is weaponising her 'help' and expects it to be repaid in full with interest. Find a kind and reliable babysitter and don't ask her again for anything.

You are being sucked dry and drained, and although I understand you can't go no contact, it is possible to go very very low contact so that your life is bearable and comfortable. You are now very very busy and no longer available for errands. Practice how you will deal with her, and be prepared for the ensuing meltdowns as she fails to get what she wants. You have your own life, your own house and your own dd, she now needs to take a back seat and stick to it.
Or you are going to become a full time carer with no life of your own and at the beck and call of what ultimately sounds like an abusive 'parent'

@Swayingpalmtrees thanks for your comment. I don't ask her for anything now but she asks to have DD and I don't refuse this.

I absolutely dread the thought that I may have to make the decision about caring for her. Its not so easy to say no to this type of person as they spend years manipulating and guilt tripping that it becomes engrained in your soul. This makes any opportunity to say no or to be assertive one that is riddle with self-doubt and guilt.

She is abusive and has switch her target from your dad to you.
Your description of her behaviour is bad tbh.

Your dd is 12yo now isn’t she? Let her decide if she wants to see her gran. Maybe she will, maybe she won’t but be mindful your mum might want to use her the same she has used you against your dad etc….

I am nc with my dm and no way would she be seeing my dc unsupervised...
Genuinely op why offer up your dd to appease such a woman?

@Maydaysoonenough I don't know is my honest answer. I have never seen or heard her treating my DD in a negative way but understand that I am not there all the time so how do I know.

I think at the moment I am still trying to work through my feelings. Does anyone relate to this......
My head is like a jumble of thoughts and feelings and I cannot make sense of things regarding my DM. I am happy in other areas of my life and have a very supportive DH. I feel confused. I go over and over the same questions. Is it really her or am I too sensitive, am I misjudging her, is it me with some sort of anxiety, why haven't I always know what she is like. All I know to be fact in my head is the way I feel after I have spoken or seen her. Even my DH tells me she is difficult but I can't come to terms with it. Part of this is the guilt. I feel so terrible for even thinking these things about her and I think everyone else will think I am the worst daughter for saying these things about her. I feel that if I could step back and think, No, its not me, it is true everything I feel about her, then my head would be clear and I could make the right decisions without the guilt.

Sorry, I know this is deep and maybe I should have counselling but I can't afford it at the moment.

Has anyone else experienced what I am describing and how did you move past this?

I certainly did feel immersed in guilt, confusion and uncertainty, and that is because I thought underneath it all that my mother loved me, and I was her dd and things would come good in the end, and everyone has flaws but if I just did a bit more, tried a bit harder, put my effort in she would see what a good person I am. I never got there, despite forty years of effort. No sooner had I pleased her in one way, she was already complaining and demanding more.

I didn't realise I was being gas lit and manipulated and played - it took years and years to fully understand what was happening to me. I love my parents deeply, so I expected that they felt the same way about me, but they don't. They don't have the capacity to really love, they just want their needs met. You don't feature as a whole person with needs of your own, you are simply there to serve her (or that is how she sees it)

It is very painful to learn that you are not truly loved in any meaningful way, and your needs are not considered at all regardless of what happens to you. The golden child will always shine through no matter how hard you try to make a difference. It is hard work working through it.

The book that helped shed light on all of it for me was this one, and I strongly recommend it:

"But its your family" by Dr Sherrie Campbell

She encapsulates perfectly the FOG, the pain, the confusion, the desperation to make things right and then finally the acceptance. Read the book and it will give you some clarity, at least a starting point to start to feel better, to take control of this relationship to look at your mother for what she is rather than who you want her to be

The gall of these parents! My abusive parent actually asked if they could live with me and I looked them right in the eye and said 'I'm really not the right person for that am I.' I knew they wouldn't be able to come back with anything to that response because we both knew they had spent my life telling me how useless I was. Their face was a picture. It was priceless. Like a self own.

Just to say in think there are some really helpful posts on this thread. As others have expressed, a move to stronger boundaries and lower contact is helpful. But ultimately it’s about trying to come to acceptance that they can’t love you, and didn’t love you, in the way you deserve. It’s not possible for them. Lower your expectations as much as possible. Also you are completely entitled to protect yourself from further damage by them as much as you can, and focus the love on yourself, if that makes sense.

Thank you everyone for your comments 🙏 😊

@Swayingpalmtrees your comments have really resonated with me. I am ready a book at the moment about FOG which is an eye opener. I have definitely changed over the years in how I deal with DM but just when I think I am there, she upsets me again and back to square one. I will get the book you recommend. I just hope that I am not like this to my DM!

Yes op keep firm boundaries. Its hard. Im in same boat.

This video is good dr ramani and boundaries if u google her. Good tips