Sick and tired of my family!!

[SillySausage25]

As the heading suggests really. My Mum is 79 year old and is toxic and has been this way for years. She spends most of her time manipulating, controlling and scapegoating. She is consumed with her many ailments and suffers with anxiety but won't admit it. You get the picture.

I have 1 half brother who is 11 years older than me and lives 3 hours drive from our home town where myself and my Mum live. We dont really have much to do with each other, only through Mum. He is a very difficult person indeed so best at arms length but we do come together in times of need i.e when Mum is ill etc. From time to time, Mum will go and stay with him for a week. She should have gone recently but they had a few cross words as he told her that she would have to adhere to some new house rules. She disagreed and refused to go. Of course, she totally bitched about him to me but I dont get involved! Anyways, she is 80 soon. She doesn't want a fuss. I said that she could come to my house and we would have a small celebration. She then told me that my brother was coming to visit her on her birthday (a Saturday) so they both agreed that I would have to come and see her on the Sunday!! Or, I could come on the Saturday morning but my brother would be cooking her a meal in the Saturday night so push off, basically. I wasn't sure what to make of it. Why couldn't we all get together but I just said okay. So my idea was to take her for afternoon tea somewhere nice on the Friday as I have the day off work. Until today when she told me plans had changed and she is now going to my brothers for her birthday and the week before. I can't understand it as I thought she didn't want to go previously. Now I know I should be glad she is going in a way as I am afraid that spending leasure time with her is difficult because of how she is. But why cant I shake this feeling of being upset? I feel pushed out. I know it sounds silly, I should be happy shouldn't I?

Thank @Mary46 and I am sorry to hear you are going through a similar situation.

I also thought of a couple of other things that might help. Detachment - detachment can be maintained even with LC and there are probably different ways to practice that. Also, I recently came across “cord cutting” visualisation to help stop you getting dragged into their ‘stuff’. I’ve seen it a couple of times in books e.g. The Empaths Survival Guide by J Orloff, but it’s also online generally.

Thanks op. Its hard as you know well. She always got her own way (80). I did counselling and moods could run for days . My boundaries are strict now

@LightGreyLight thank you for the advice. I will look into it. I have just ordered a book suggested by another poster so I hopefully it may help me.

@Mary46 did counselling help you? How did you find someone suitable?

@SillySausage25 I’ve had counselling for a similar reasons.

it has he,led me no end but it took me a few goes to find someone suitable. In the end, I found that the level of training has been one of the key thing to look at. In particular, each time I’ve seen a psychotherapist, I’ve had good results.
Otherwise, my advice is that it’s ok to ditch any counsellor you are not comfortable about. Counselling will make you uncomfortable because you have to look at things with new eyes, in a different way. But the counsellor themselves shouldn’t make you uncomfortable (eg they should never come across as judgemental).
A good counsellor will also be able to explain and handle a situation where you will say ‘when you said <insert statement> I found it triggering/it made me curious/I felt hurt because <insert explanation >. I’d say that such a situation happens, it’s essential to bring it up because either it’s a subject that you need to work on and you were over reacting to it (I know I have quite a few times!) or it’s the counsellor being crap (and they won’t handle that well iyswim).

The bottom line though is that yes counselling helps

Yes op it did. She was super. She said we can only change our reaction to things as they wont change at their age. But for me it never stops as she texts kids then. I dont tell her much now I learnt the hard way.

You can't be taken back to square one if you disengage and accept she is not going to be the mother you desperately want her to be.

You offer an inch, she takes a mile
So you stop offering inches

You stop offering anything at all. The conversation stays with the weather and what is in season, don't share anything that is important or your feelings if you are low contact. You don't respond very often to texts, drop the visits to 'rarely and very occasionally', become busy living your own life so you can unhook the clutches and think freely. She will notice and call you out, but you say "I did tell you I was going to be really busy Mum" and leave her to it.

Acceptance is key. She is not a good mother, she is not even a nice person, but that is okay, because she doesn't have to be anymore because you are an adult and can take care of yourself.
If you need to off load speak to a friend, get a good set of friends to help you move away more successfully if you haven't already. Have prepared answers for her demands. Plan birthdays and christmases well in advance so they are held on your terms. You can do this kindly and gently without drama, but don't count on her being happy with the new independent you, she is likely to become suddenly 'il'' or have a 'fall' or start to make ever more increasing dramatic reasons why you have to be at her beck and call. Same answer:
"sorry you are ill/had a fall etc, get well soon" do not restart the running around her again or you will be back to square one. You don't need to do anything with the information beyond well wishes.

Your self respect will return, your anger might also make an appearance when you think of the years you have wasted in servitude, and of course you may feel you have 'lost' your mother, but the truth is you didn't really have one in any real sense in the first place, it was always about her, and not about you.

I mother myself now, it is very lovely - I got the Mum I always wanted in roundabout sort of way! When I have a terrible day, I reassure myself tomorrow will be good and run a bath. I do all the things for myself that I imagine a good mother will do. I cry it out, make a cup of tea and a hot water bottle, I book spa treatments when I am low and girls nights, and tell myself I can do this, and I have lots of support from the inside. I am now responsible for me, and it took some getting used to, I stopped looking outside and started looking inside for what I need, and it was all there and will be for you too

When I read your recent comments, I can see this happening already. I no longer talk about myself and I stick to general topics. I use to talk to her a number of times in a week and visit at least once but this slowed down and now I have to spend all my spare time renovating our new home. Any spare time we have is spent with our DD. I no longer invite her for tea or on day trips. Reading your post has highlighted this. I am need to work on myself and letting go I think.

I don't have many friends really. I am not sure why as I am quite sociable. I do lack some confidence I think. I talk to my DH and in this forum. I am going to make an effort to reconnect with people. I guess I wasn't always 'allowed' to have friends or my own interests so this dropped off over the years. Time for a new me I think!!

It doesn't sound like you had time for friends, your mother has been dominating your time for a very long time.

Good friends are an excellent alternative if you don't have a loving family, you can choose them for one! And they will treat you with respect and love and it is a two way street. And of course good fun, good for the soul and offer support. I couldn't do without them and realised from a young age what a lifesaver they can be (Some literally did save me as a young person) It is worth the investment in my experience.

Good luck with it all op. Look inside, not outside and look after your own home, dd and life. Let her look after herself.

Jerry Wise Relationship Systems - YouTube

This therapist on You Tube is great. He explains how these families cause gaps in our development and our relationship with ourselves and how to build healthy boundaries when we have to have contact with unaware family members. You don't need to watch them in any particular order as every video has something that you will relate to.

Great advice here. I keep chat vague now. Holidays are last minute deals lol. So envious of close families

This chat has been brilliant and I honestly thank you all.

My MIL passed away 9 years ago at the age of 60. Just when my DD was young but she was too ill to really enjoy that time. I said to my DH the other day that I miss her terribly. We got on well and I think we would have gotten closer. She was a lovely lady and very welcoming to me. Mum, of course, picked on her as often as she could behune her back as she was jealous and scared I would get too involved. I get on well with my FIL but it's not the same.

I will be even more busy now after all the great resources you have told me about so I may not be able to speak to DM until at least next year 🤣

Same op my mil lovely. Zero drama lol. I had to pull her up a few years ago. We were on a night away. I said Im not around x date. Then where u staying in case your needed. I said why do u need to know. This is the crap I deal with. She hates to see u enjoying life. She texted but I didnt reply to it

@Mary46 good on you! My DM waits until I have had a family holiday then asks why she wasn't invited. Worst time was my wedding as we got married on a cruise ship. My Dad even paid for her to go despite them being divorced!! She always wanted to go to the posh dining but with a little one it's not always convenient. As soon as we sat down, my DD started crying and we all got a little embarrassed 😳. My DM stood up and so did my DH. He said that he would take her for a little stroll in her pram. My Mum insisted she would go and when she didn't get her own way she stormed off. We didn't eat and spent all.night looking for her. She was eventually found in the casino, the only place we can't take my DD! I begged my DH to apologise to her as this was the night before my wedding day. She complained the whole cruise about my Dad and the cruise itself. Horrible, horrible woman.

I am glad you get on with your MIL, that's a blessing.

Asking to see your dd is her way of keeping control of you imo.

When your dd is old enough to grasp the sort of relationship you have with your dm won't she be puzzled why you let her have her unsupervised?

Thank you swaying - I think I read your original post about the lovely party you'd organised. Your posts are very helpful. 🌷I'm so sorry you've had such trouble but you are coming along beautifully!

OP - I've two abusive parents who are in a toxic marriage. My mother is so difficult that HER mother pulled me aside when I was 15 to encourage me to distance from her. As Granny said, 'I don't know why she treats you the way she does but the problem's not you. When you get older get away from her'. Of course I didn't distance myself in the early years of adulthood but we are NC now.

In any case they emigrated to Australia after retirement - didn't even bother to tell me properly, just took off. They are continuing their crazy making there. I'm so so lucky they left - although I didn't see it at the time. I would have run myself ragged to look after them while still being the scapegoat. I'm afraid my (golden child) sibling now has that pleasure.

I hope it is ok that I have sent you a private message

Good luck op - once you have seen the light, so to speak, you can't un see it. You will make great progress in the coming months, you will and should expect set backs, but be prepared for those and get quickly back on track. There is a statistic that states it takes women at least seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship. So it may not happen seamlessly or effortlessly. You will find a soft landing at some point that feels comfortable, and you can enjoy your life without feeling constantly stressed. It is different for everyone but you will find a way forward that gives you back your control. I found moving 150 miles away really helped
Thank you bean that was pretty shocking that your parents moved to Australia, that must have hurt a lot. In doing so they liberated you. No guilt trips that you should be visiting more often/doing more for them. You gained your whole life back, and golden child has decades of elderly care to look forward to - he definitely has the short straw! I didn't know until recently just how beneficial it is to be scapegoat. I am now happy with my scapegoat status and have grown rather fond of it!!!!

I think the more you do then more requests. Yes op not easy. Some of that age group are quite selfish

@flapjackfairy of course that's okay. Thank you for reaching out.
Massive thanks to you all. Your advice is absolutely invaluable and I have order the books and will be on all the YouTube sites you have recommended. Who knows, maybe I will learn a little something about myself along the way.

❤

You mum sounds like my mum

She stirs up and gets everyone upset with each other so the only person they speak with is her.
Triangulation

She thought your MIL and DF were terrible and did her best to get others to think so. You found out for yourself your DF wasn't.
Your DB is likely not terrible either but she has pitted you against each other.
She resented anyone having relationships with anyone but her.

She also watched my DD and I never should have let her as later on I found out she was telling her horrible lies about me.

My mum did this for years with me and my siblings.
After she died we all came together and saw nobody was really that bad. We haven't had a disagreement since.

I finally cut her off a few years before she passed. Should have done it years ago but FOG you know.

Your mother sounds like a very unhappy person, who possibly needs some support with this.
This is an odd thread.
older people do get wrapped up in ailments, they don’t tend to get out and see people so much.
look out for some social things in her area for her, or get her volunteering , to keep busy.
Avoid mumsnet odd advice

@PosyPearlPeach I appreciate another angle to this situation. You are correct, she does suffer terribly with anxiety and self doubt. I do think she struggles and she feels lonely which is horrible. She doesn't go out much but she has lots of hobbies and she meets likeminded people online. She does Spanish, German, history in classes online as she prefers this. I can offer advice and help but I can't be the best friend, counsellor etc. She needs to take responsibility for her issues at some point.

What do you do if she continually refuses help, won't volunteer or go to social events? She continues to treat the same path so nothing gets better? Because that's bot what she really wants. She wants me to fill these gaps and with the best will in the world, I can't.

Please can you explain why it is odd advice?

You cant fill all the gaps and hold their hand. I told my mam this. But being rude and mean wont get you places. My mother is all about me me me. Its very draining.