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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm absolutely consumed with worry and loneliness because I'm single... normal or should I speak to GP?

29 replies

scabbyqueen · 26/04/2022 21:29

I'm 29. I am very lucky because I'm healthy, I love my job, I have good friends, I have a lovely home, and no big stresses in life. In some ways I'm more confident than I ever thought I could be.

but.
I've never had a boyfriend. When I say 'no one's ever been interested,' people laugh at me, but honestly... no one's ever been interested. I've been using the apps (paid and free) since I was 25 and only made a second date once.

I am so lonely. It is consuming me. I try to keep busy and go to the gym, volunteer once a week, see friends, but I come home every night to no one to talk to. I am desperate for a cuddle. It actually hurts, physically, in my tummy.

I feel like time is moving underneath me. I long for a family and my mum keeps saying things like 'wouldn't I be a great nana?' but wtf do I say to that? I feel like life is stretching on ahead of me with no respite from this and it's killing me.

I went to therapy and the therapist made me feel so stupid, like I am choosing to feel lonely. She kept saying that I can find in myself what I am looking for in others and I must not rely on a man to improve my self esteem, but I just don't think that that's true.

I think sometimes about going to the GP but if they're only going to say the same as the therapist then there's no point.

OP posts:

iknowthismuchis · 26/04/2022 21:32

Oh love, I'm so sorry, I can hear the pain in your post. I don't think I have an answer but I couldn't not respond.

Have you felt connections with the dates you've had? What do your friends say when you talk to them about it?

Original poster

scabbyqueen · 26/04/2022 21:39

I thought there was a connection with the guy I went on a second date with, but then he never messaged me back. The last date I went on I felt something too, but he didn't either.

They all tell me I'm great and all these guys don't know what they're missing. Last summer I asked my best friend to watch my date from another table but she said there was absolutely nothing wrong.

OP posts:

ScarlettDarling · 26/04/2022 21:42

I’m sorry you’re feeling so sad. The only advice I’ve got is not to give up on a man after one date (unless you really don’t like him of course!) If you just feel a bit meh, no real spark, I’d still advise trying another couple of dates. I never, ever had a first date where I felt a big attraction. It usually took a good few dates for that to build.

Im not sure if your gp is the right person to help you unless you feel that you are depressed? Perhaps a different type of therapist or a life coach could be worth a try.

You sound lovely op and although I know you won’t believe it, you’ve still got sooooo much time to meet someone! 29 is still so young. Keep on with the dating, don’t give up hope, there’s someone out there for you.

Responsibleaunty · 26/04/2022 21:45

I’ve never been on a dating app but I imagine a lot of that is luck and very superficial. Do you have any particular interests or hobbies you’d like to try out where you could maybe meet someone? Like a language class, a sport, a crafts class, a board game night? You might find you make more of a bond with someone that way rather than the randomness of an app?

I’m really sorry for how you’ve been feeling. Try and remember how many people you do have who love you xx

Original poster

scabbyqueen · 26/04/2022 21:49

They usually never message back after the first date The last three dates I went on, I liked them all and would have tried a second date but they all disappeared. I'm like the Bermuda Triangle in dating form :(

I go to lots of different crafty classes actually, but it's all either women or the odd couple. Nothing I want to do will have a lot of men in it and I don't want to waste my time and money on something I'm dragging myself to.

I don't know if I am depressed or this is 'just' being lonely. But I don't feel good.

OP posts:

Ontobetterthings · 26/04/2022 21:52

Sorry to hear this hun. You sound like a vibrant and busy lady so I was surprised to hear you haven't had a boyfriend. Is there anyone close to you that you can ask for advice? I just wondered if you were perhaps coming across as a bit guarded or aloof on a date. I mean no offence by that or perhaps there is some other reason. Im not blaming you by any means just trying to help. There was a first date i saw on the tv the other day, the lady was really gorgeous and successful and was talking to her date how money is important and how she needs a certain lifestyle. The guy was really put off and declined another date as was really intimidated. Have you asked family what they think? Is it possible men are intimidated or something?

Original poster

scabbyqueen · 26/04/2022 21:54

I don't really think so. I have an ordinary job and scrub up decently but I definitely don't think I'm intimidating.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 26/04/2022 21:57

How odd that they keep vanishing.

Are your online dating pics up to date?
Do you have a full body shot on them (so they know what to expect).

Are the conversations flowing? Both of you keeping it flowing? Is there laughter and fun on the dates?

Kendodd · 26/04/2022 22:03

I don't mean this to sound trivial or frivolous, it's a serious suggestion, why don't you get a dog? If you like dogs, that is. A dog will always be happy to see you and want a cuddle, they can really help a lot with loneliness.

Original poster

scabbyqueen · 26/04/2022 22:04

Yes, all recent photos, two full body shots. I'm average height and a size 8, so nothing 'unexpected' although I feel like I have warts and prickles or something.

Generally, yeah, I'd say conversations go fairly well. I'm not very funny myself but I laugh quite easily and I'm easygoing.

OP posts:

Pegasaurus · 26/04/2022 22:06

Sorry OP, that sounds so hard. I think your feelings are normal and understandable and you can't choose not to have them.

I agree with a previous poster to take up a hobby, pick one that that men tend to do, like cycling or photography (I've found the majority of classes attract women) that can take up one or two evenings a week.

5pot6pot7potmore · 26/04/2022 22:10

I don't think the GP is likely to be able to help.
I get the impression that you've talked to your female friends about this, but have you got any male friends you can trust to be brutally honest with you? After all, you're dating men, not women. If they say that there's no particular issue, then it's just a numbers game I guess.

Horcruxe · 26/04/2022 22:10

After the first date, did you try contacting them for a second?

Also from your op, I hope it doesnt sound rude but it sounds like you are very desperate for a relationship, I'm wondering if they can somehow sense this and are turned off by it.

Even your therapist said you have to work on yourself and be happy with yourself as an individual before you're in the right state of mind to look for a partner.

Maybe see and make sure you are happy within yourself, maybe give yourself 6 months off from looking for a partner. I know you're doing hobbies, maybe find some new ones,. But in these 6 months you are not even going to think even think about looking for a partner.

Once you feel comfortable with yourself maybe give the apps another go?

Mw19 · 26/04/2022 22:11

Oh OP. The dating game is HARD. I gave up on it a long time ago, I'm 31 btw, good job, work with women so will never meet anyone at work. I got a dog last year who is my best friend and honestly I don't feel lonely at all now and it takes the pressure off. Could you get a pet? Walking my dog and taking her to the pub etc with me triggers sooo many conversations with people and one day who knows it may be my future husband.
My other suggestion is a house mate? I had house mates up until I got the dog and again, great way to avoid feeling lonely plus it's another way of meeting new people by meeting their friends etc.

One of my friends struggled for years to find someone, they bought books on the dating game etc and it really helped them. Unfortunately dating is just so hard these days with all the "choice" and first impressions people make online. You're not alone, big hugs

Original poster

scabbyqueen · 26/04/2022 22:11

It would be unfair of me to get a dog, they'd be left on their own all of the time. I dislike cats.

In some ways I'm desperate to not feel this way and just accept singleness, but I don't know how to. I don't want to go travelling or make wild decisions.

OP posts:

spotcheck · 26/04/2022 22:11

I agree with getting a pet, if possible.

What about using a dating coach?

Hostaswordwoman · 26/04/2022 22:12

Can you try a different therapist?
Also, I just want to send you a massive hug.

Original poster

scabbyqueen · 26/04/2022 22:16

I always message and say hey, thanks, I had a really nice time today, would be great to do it again. I am desperate. I hope it doesn't come across. I don't think my friends or my mum know how unhappy I am so hopefully not.

I don't have any male friends, I only work with women too.

I don't know how to 'not think about having a partner'. I genuinely don't. I do keep busy and I'm out of the house 4 or 5 evenings out of the week, but the loneliness and isolation is still there.

OP posts:

Kendodd · 26/04/2022 22:22

I'm married 25+ years so missed the whole OLD but what would happen if you put all the above on your profile info? You know - I'm lonely, I really want to meet someone?

Original poster

scabbyqueen · 26/04/2022 22:23

I'd scare off the normal men and attract the perverts

OP posts:

TheWayoftheLeaf · 26/04/2022 22:23

Kendodd · 26/04/2022 22:22

I'm married 25+ years so missed the whole OLD but what would happen if you put all the above on your profile info? You know - I'm lonely, I really want to meet someone?

Theyd think she was nuts or desperate and she'd likely attract the wrong kind of man.

OP. I think it's just a numbers game - or has been for my friends on the apps. They go on a LOT of dates to find one that turns into something more.

Kendodd · 26/04/2022 22:27

scabbyqueen · 26/04/2022 22:23

I'd scare off the normal men and attract the perverts

Ok 😀
I did say I had no idea about OLD!

BornBlonde · 26/04/2022 22:28

What sites do you use? I resonate with what you're saying as my friendship group and work relationships were all female. I had a lot of bad dates through OLD! The game changer for me was only using paid sites - the men there seemed to want a relationship as opposed to a ONS. Also post covid are there speed dating events where you live? If so go and see if you like anyone.

I met my husband on Match 15 years ago, I was older than you are now but because many of my friends were already married with kids I felt worried I would never meet anyone. Luckily he is amazing and was worth all the bad dates and let downs

Original poster

scabbyqueen · 26/04/2022 22:30

I don't think that I would mind it so much if I were going on 2 or 3 dates with the same person. I think if I got a run like that I would build up my confidence a little. The repeated rejection is just so hard not to take personally.

OP posts:

seensome · 26/04/2022 22:30

Be flirtatious and don't send a message after the date, see what happens.

Try dating a different type of man.

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