Help please

[Jayted]

I have been with a partner for 7 years (not sons dad), he has always been unfaithful throughout the whole time on dating sites. Sadly my self esteem has always been too low to get rid. 4 years ago I got a non molestation order against him as a row over infidelity turned violent. Stupidly I took him back after it. Because there are children the police informed social services and I got the most horrendous social worker who basically tore me apart for things such as being one week overdue for the boys yearly eye test. She also visited my mum and dad and the boys dad. Needless to say this was very stressful all round. My dad passed away from cancer last year and my mum is in an awful state. There has not been any violence recently but I want my partner gone, if I ask him to, I get threats such as I will wreck your car, phone your work, ‘put me in a box’ etc. I want him gone but I cannot cope with ringing the police and having social services involved after the horrendous time last time. I cannot put my mum through that atm. I have phoned the people who I rent my home from and they cannot help.I alone am on the tenancy agreement, he is not. I have tried womens aid but am always waiting over an hour on the phone and I have to hang up. I’m at a total loss what to do and the only way out seems to be taking my life. I cannot cope with living like this anymore yet I cannot have them involved, they ripped me to shreds, went to my gp, found I was on antidepressants and questioned my ability to look after the boys with the depression, also they went to the boys dad and told him all my business and the boys school. Please offer any help or advice without judgement

Please, do not kill yourself. Your boys will be all alone in the world because noone else will step up for them. They love you and they need their mum.

I am sorry that right now, fear of criticism seems worse than leaving a dangerous violent man. Does it matter if you don't get on with your social worker? She tells people about the abuse because secrets are toxic. The more people who know, the more likely you are to get help. If you went back to SS and asked for help, they would give it. You might not like the tone of their help but they will help. Your boyfriend's threats are chilling, you need every possible bit of help to get him out if your life

Please contact the police and ask for him to be removed. That's the first step. Could you request a different social worker, one with a bit of empathy?

I’m not sure I would get a choice in who I have. They are meant to help but it made everything 100 times worse.

Did the police offer you an IDVA last time?

The most important thing is to get that man out of your life. Would the police put in a panic button for you, but more importantly, will anyone support you to make a statement next time he harasses you or attacks you?

The problem is, there isn't anyone who can take that first step except you. Noone will just charge in, and take control of your life and put it all in order for you. You've got to turn to either police or social services and ask for help. Has your case been heard at MARAC?

This time around, if you ask for help and show you are absolutely determined to cooperate with them and prioritise the kids by not getting back together with your abuser, I think that engaging with social services and the police will be the best decision you've ever made.

You can't get him out alone because he's a long time abuser so you need specialised help. You can't go on as you are as his behaviour has you feeling suicidal, he won't change and your kids need you.

Tell the police and SS you've realised it was wrong to get back with him, that you'll do whatever it takes to keep your children safe and that includes not being in a relationship with him anymore. And follow through.

Hello @Jayted - we're so sorry to hear what you're going through. Please know that there is help and support out there for you. Please give Refuge a call when it's safe to do so - they have a free, 24-hour helpline.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Best wishes from MNHQ.

Thankyou x

Hi @Jayted how are you doing today?

Thankyou for asking, very kind of you . I have been given some numbers to contact so am planning to try them when I walk the dog and am out the house today.