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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fallen out of love with disabled husband

27 replies

Palmspring · 25/04/2022 21:54

Husband (52yo) had severe stroke 24 months ago and has been left significantly disabled, paralysed down right side, cannot use a toilet/commode, Nil by mouth, lost the ability to speak - to name but a few of the awful tragedies that have happened to him. He has 24/7 care here at home as we were told he was approaching end of life within weeks last year but, he has rallied since being discharged from a nursing home about 4 months ago.

I am ashamed to admit that I no longer love him. I only feel pity when I look at him. We did have a very physical and loving marriage before it happened and I miss him and that intimacy so very much. The loneliness is crushing, even though he is physically still here. I am utterly confused, filled with sadness and resentment at the loss of my wonderful husband.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

Blossom12345 · 25/04/2022 22:01

I am sorry, I have not been in your situation but didn't want to read and not acknowledge your post. I imagine you are both grieving the future you thought you had, and your feelings are entirely valid.

Take care @Palmspring

ICannotRememberAThing · 25/04/2022 22:03

You are grieving.
Yes, your DH is still here but it is understandable to miss the life you had before this happened. It is also understandable that you might feel angry, resentful, sad and confused.
This is a tragedy for both of you and you also need help dealing with what has happened.

HappyGoDucky · 25/04/2022 22:03

Bless you @Palmspring, you're still be grieving kind to yourself.

RandomMess · 25/04/2022 22:04

muppamup · 25/04/2022 22:06

Hello OP, do you foresee things changing in the near future for better or worse? sounds like you could do with some professional counselling to help you sort your feelings out. Look after yourself. I find writing my feelings down in a long letter really helpful. The act of writing can help me organise my thoughts, cry a bit to get feelings out and help me understand things a bit. Maybe that's worth a try...

winterchills · 25/04/2022 22:15

This is so sad for both of you, sorry not much help but thinking of you!

Nopetryagain · 25/04/2022 22:24

How long have you been together and how long have you been married?

Nopetryagain · 25/04/2022 22:26

Also you say you no longer love him, do you mean you are no longer in love with him or no longer love him?

Bagelsandbrie · 25/04/2022 22:27

It doesn’t sound like you’ve fallen out of love with him. In fact the love between you shines through your post, albeit with a lot of sadness. It actually just sounds like you’ve been traumatised by everything and can’t see a way forwards as you’re understandably grieving your “healthy” husband. I don’t really have any answers but I think it’s perfectly understandable to feel the way you do. But that doesn’t mean you will always feel this way or that you can’t have a new type of intimacy between you, even if it’s very different to before.

bloodywhitecat · 25/04/2022 22:32

Kind of. My husband had terminal cancer but was doing OK, his tumours were growing again and he was just waiting for a new scan when he had a massive stroke. Much like your DH he lost the use of his right side and his speech and, at times, was incontinent. He came home after a month in hospital with carers coming in three times a day. It was tough, it was really, really hard. By far the hardest thing I have ever done, nursing him as his cancer got worse (all treatment stopped after the stroke). Have you had some kind of counselling to help you process what has happened to you and to him? I do completely understand the feelings of confusion, fear and anger. Happy to chat by PM if it helps?

CrowAndArrow · 25/04/2022 22:32

Oh OP I really feel for you. It isn't what we signed up for. It's traumatic and you need time to get over the shock. Then make decisions.

Original poster

Palmspring · 25/04/2022 22:33

Thank you everyone for your kind messages. 25+ years together before the stroke happened. He was my favourite person in the whole world.

Hard to know if I still love him as all I feel is pity, which is tainting my whole life it feels. And then the guilt I feel for thinking that way. Yes I agree, I need to reach out to my therapist again as I'm not coping. Thanks again for the advice.

OP posts:

Badger1970 · 25/04/2022 22:40

The person you knew and loved changed forever with a catastrophic medical event. Of course you're going to be in a degree of shock, and life will never be what it was again. It's all new and unfamiliar.

Go easy on yourself

SweatyChamoisPad · 25/04/2022 22:42

This isn’t pity, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for thinking that. It’s massive empathy, as a previous poster said, your love shines through. It is natural to feel guilt, and anger, and disbelief, and a feeling of being hard done by or feeling cheated that you’ve “lost” your husband. You might benefit from more specialised counselling - the Stroke Association can help provide this - for stroke patients AND for relatives. www.stroke.org.uk/professionals/life-after-stroke-services/emotional-support

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 25/04/2022 22:51

My mum went through this with my dad - totally changed their relationship as she became his carer. Devastating situation and she had very mixed feeling when he eventually passed away.

DomesticatedZombie · 25/04/2022 22:52

I'm so sorry, OP.

oakleaffy · 25/04/2022 22:56

So sorry, Palmspring.
This could realistically happen to any of us as we get older.

What a horrid thing to have happened, for both of you.
Devastating.
Go easy on yourself.

Silkierabbit · 26/04/2022 00:05

So sorry this has happened to you both, very sad for both of you.

Not in the same situation but been married a similar length of time and have cancer and a bit younger than your husband. I think a lot of what you are feeling he will be feeling too and its normal. Its normal to grieve and wish you had the life you had before and to feel sorry that this has happened and that also its has happened too young and you have been cheated out of some future plans. Its normal as well for the dynamic of the relationship to change from one of husband - wife to where it becomes more patient and carer and that probably causes him to feel useless and you to feel a bit resentful. It must be harder in your case as there sounds like no prospect your DH will improve whereas in my case there is a reasonable prospect I will. I have noticed a lot of relationships end when someone gets cancer/seriously ill, its the same with friends, some of those abandon you but I think you do still love him, or at least care for him otherwise you would not feel pity, you just miss your old life. I would take all the support you can get including counselling and if there is any way you can get a break, take it. I know I have found the odd weekend can get away a life saver, obviously your husband is very unlikely to be well enough but if you could get away somewhere, we went by the sea with puffins in Skomer last time, it can help revive you a bit and gives you strength to get through the next bit. I don't know if its say an option for him to go under someone else's care for a weekend when you need it and you go away. Please don't feel any guilt for what you are feeling, it is what anyone would feel in your situation and I am sure your DH will have many of the same feelings.

ValerieCupcake · 26/04/2022 00:37

My aunt's husband (uncle by marriage) died in late 2020 five days after having a stroke. She was told that if he survived he would have the same outlook. She would be unable to be his carer and he would have had to go into a home. She says that this was the best outcome for him and that he would agree. I don't know what to say to that.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 27/02/2023 19:01

What an awful situation for you both. You obviously still care about him, you wouldn’t pity him otherwise but this is not what either of you expected for your middle age.

Is he able to use any communication devices @Palmspring?

tillytoodles1 · 27/02/2023 19:07

My husband developed MS and became disabled by it very quickly. I became more like a carer than a wife, and it did fill me with resentment that so many people had a lovely life together, while I couldn't leave him alone for more than an hour to do essential stuff like shopping. It's sad, but it's very hard. Look after yourself. X

OliveToboogie · 27/02/2023 20:19

I can really empathise. My partner and I have been together 8 years. In July 2022 he was in catastrophic fire. Lost both his parents. Suffered 60% 4th degree burns. Was in an induced coma for 3 weeks. Then in ICU for 5 weeks. 6 months in Burns Unit. Still attends to get dressings changed. He will have further surgery and physio for next few years. He is now in supported living. Has carers in 3 times a day. I look after him at weekends and am his POA.

The man I knew died in that fire and is not coming back. I still love him and will never abandon him but God it is so hard. I mourn for life we had. Feel like his mum at times. He has regressed to childhood as trauma too much.

I went through whole 5 stages of grief hated him for a long time. I feel your pain. Be kind to yourself.

Olive

category12 · 27/02/2023 20:55

A relative's husband had a massive stroke and it completely changed their lives - he'd been very active, run a successful business, been the 'leader' in the relationship really - and it took all that away from them both.

It's really really tough on you. I'm sorry. There's nothing wrong in how you're feeling.

Chrisfrom · 03/04/2023 23:30

I’m in a similar situation. After my partner had a stroke I had a strong belief she would recover and I was oblivious to her actual state. However, now after 5 months of rehab, I can see that she is a paraplegic I can barely communicate with, and probably will be for the rest of her life. She needs 24/7 care, and I feel so sorry for her and still can’t believe this has happened. When I’m not at work I am with her, but it really isn’t a relationship between two equals anymore. She calls me her rock, but I don’t know if I want to be her rock for the rest of my life. I love her, but it feels like her stroke has cost 2 lives. I feel like an extremely selfish person, and I don’t know what to do.
Chris

Original poster

Palmspring · 20/05/2024 10:47

Thank you for your kind message, sending you strength and courage too xx

OP posts:

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