Mum has cancer and is 'speaking her mind'

[Startagain51]

I'm so emotionally confused. My Mum has cancer, currently having treatment to buy her some time. Obviously, it's really hard.

It's been a tough few years and my parents have been really supportive - I left my emotionally abusive, controlling husband after 17 years and am finally divorced. He has made everything as difficult as possible.

I have been cautiously dating a nice, kind man. He has had some health problems recently and hasn't had an easy time.

My mum tonight suddenly started talking about how I'm dating 'another loser' and why can't I date someone successful. I'm really wounded, given that I just feel like I'm recovering from an abusive relationship. I've managed to start again in my own place, start retraining, and sorted my own divorce without legal help. I don't live with the man I'm dating (and have no plans to) and he has been tremendously supportive during a very difficult time. He's not financially successful and his ill-health has compounded that, but I just can't believe my mum is making this judgement. She is justifying it by saying she can now just speak her mind as she hasn't 'got long left'.

Any advice?

Treat her kindly but firmly speaking your mind does not mean hurting your feelings

He's not financially successful and his ill-health has compounded that

Don't judge her too harshly. I think she is just really worried about you. In her heart of hearts, she wants to know before she dies that you will be well looked after and not having to scrimp and save and be a carer and lead a miserable life.

Parents only want what they perceive to be settled and happy lives for their children.

Its not up to your Mum who you date, its up to you.

I am undergoing cancer treatment, she isn't on steroids atm (with chemo) is she as that can make you speak your mind, no filter and slightly paranoid. On my steroid days I am very blunt and no sense of fear / need for tact. Also I can assume the worst motivation in people on those days. May well not be and just her speaking her mind but some of the meds can affect things.

She is justifying it by saying she can now just speak her mind as she hasn't 'got long left'.

I'd simply say "Is this the way you want us to remember you, mum? You saying hurtful things to us?"

I agree with @RedDiamond : Your mum wants to go peacefully, knowing that you are settled. You should just reiterate the points you have made above about your personal successes and how you are very optimistic for the future.

Perhaps your mother is concerned that because you've left an abusive marriage, any man seems better than your ex was, but is still not a good choice. I think your mother wants you to look at this new relationship from ALL angles. Him being "nice" just isn't enough.

While it is very sad that your Mum is so ill it certainly doesn't give her the right to tell you what to do, or to be unkind. Of course she can give advice, but you need to firmly tell her that you are happy and she needs to back off - you are an adult after all.

She sounds worried, and is expressing it badly.
What health problems does your new boyfriend have? Is he employed and solvent?

When you say not financially successful, do you mean that he is unable to pay his bills or that he has not got hundreds of thousands in the bank? Because if the former, she is just worried about you - particularly if she will no longer be around to be supportive.

I agree that being "nice/kind" is not enough once you are 40/50+. It's necessary to have become a functional adult. That doesn't necessarily mean rich. It really just means stable and capable. Particularly when you consider that people are often nice at the start of relationships and then things change.

Most of us look at our children and want the very best for them. This doesn't stop because they reach adulthood. You don't mention any previous form for being unkind, and she has kept quiet throughout 17 years of abusive marriage and the first few months of this new relationship, but probably does think that he isn't very good for you, or that you'd be better off by yourself. If your mum can't tell you the truth, who can. Obviously, you're at liberty to tell her that you disagree and don't want to hear about it again.

It's possible this comes from a place of concern that you are well set up before she dies, but there is no excuse for being so aggressive about it and calling your bf a loser.

I think if it's a one-off unkind comment I' maybe leave it at that (while being clear I'm still happily dating him). If she repeated it, or started being unkind generally, then I'd do as PP suggested and say 'is this how you want us to remember you, as an unkind person?'.

It's one think your mum being honest with you, it's quite another being unkind. Being in her position doesn't give a licence to hurt other people.

I'm sorry you're both going through this.

Does she have a point?

This is really interesting @Silkierabbit - I currently have a relative with a brain tumour, on chemo and steroids, and this is exactly how he’s been; blunt, tactless and assuming the worst. He’s very grumpy and pernickety in a way he wasn’t before. We assumed it was a combo of the tumour, the treatment, the frustration of the disease/treatment, and the anti-seizure med he’s on. He just saw the consultant and she mentioned it might be due to the steroids (also his newly weak and doddery legs - often happens on steroids, apparently).

Wishing you a good recovery.

Slightly different angle.

I am on my second marriage. My first one was emotionally abusive and he was also unfaithful. We had (still do!) two children. This was 10 years ago.

When I first left the marriage I thought I was healing but it's only years later I see that I wan't really. Lots of therapy helped. I eventually met the man I am now married to.

Is there any chance your mother sees something in this man that you can't see? A lot of people in abusive relationships go into other abusive relationships and don't see the red flags even though they think they are on the look out for them.

Terminal illness gives people very new perspectives (you said her treatment was to buy her more time-I'm sorry if this assumption is incorrect) and also a sense that life is too short to walk on egg shells.

I agree with other posters that your parents can't tell you who to date but maybe stand back from the situation and check is there anything else your Mum might be pointing out to you.

I lost my own mother to cancer. Against all the odds the treatment prolonged her life and gave her a good quality of life, right up until 2 months before she died so I hope your Mum is a lucky with her treatment x

I’m sorry that you’ve been through so much and now face losing your mum and how she’s reacting to the situation.

You might want to have some phrases to hand that are able to shut off the flow of comments, perhaps like the “grey rock” technique or just bland non commital answers like “I know you just want the best for me, mum”.

Be aware of what you’re sharing, perhaps don’t say as much about your life and ask her more about her and how she’s doing.

I think you can only really try to manage the conversation, you’ll not get far by trying to change her mind or opinion on anything.

I speak as someone who has dealt with terminally ill relatives who felt it gave them the right to be arseholes and tell everyone their views on everything. It ruined their relationships with a lot of family and friends in the end. They are not remembered fondly at all.

I had to have a little laugh to myself whwn i read this, my mum did the same, god love her, we had a ongoing joke with her about it and she used to laugh too, she said oh you think im bad now wait till im on my death bed. She didn't get the chance thankfully as she fell asleep then died, but i don't no if its the fuck ot attitude or the steriods but dont take it personally

I love my mum and trust her judgment. If she thought I was with a loser I'd want to know why she thought that, not ignore it. It's possible shes objectively noticed something that you haven't.

People looking down the barrel of a painful, undignified death are allowed to speak freely and anyone who can't cut them a bit of slack either lacks the imagination to understand what that situation does to a person or is an absolute dick. if you can't cope with the fact that they've stopped flowering up their words to spare your feelings, you need to have a word with yourself.

People looking down the barrel of a painful, undignified death are allowed to speak freely and anyone who can't cut them a bit of slack either lacks the imagination to understand what that situation does to a person or is an absolute dick. if you can't cope with the fact that they've stopped flowering up their words to spare your feelings, you need to have a word with yourself.

I couldn't agree more. Maybe she's seeing something you're not.

Is this about inheritance I wonder? Is your Mum actually thinking she doesn't want her money supporting your new partner financially?

What do you mean exactly by not financially successful?

I'm glad my late DH didn't go that route. My daughters loved him so much and he adored them. I can't imagine a) him choosing to hurt them and b) what it would have done to their grief and their memories of him if he had

Certainly the drugs or any brain metastases can mess with a person's cognition and boundaries. But everything else considered, setting out to deliberately hurt your children because you can, is an odd way to choose to leave them.

I absolutely know what a terminal condition and the fear of a scary death does to a person, and I'm not a dick. But I stand by the response I suggested upthread. "Is this how you want me to remember you, mum?"

" But everything else considered, setting out to deliberately hurt your children because you can, is an odd way to choose to leave them."

She's not setting out to deliberately hurt anyone. She hasn't said, I don't know, 'you're ugly and stupid and I wish I'd never had children.' She's saying 'I'm dying and if I can't say it now when can I say it, I think you're new partner is a poor choice.' It's only mn that everyone is supposed to keep their every thought and opinion to themselves. In rl people talk, families talk, close family ask for and offer opinions, people who love each other offer home truths and nobody falls apart because of it.

She may not be phrasing it well, but she has legitimate concerns. You were in an abusive relationship for many years. Why? Is your self esteem so poor you never realised initially?
Did you have serious counselling? Since?
Recognised some of the issues?
Now dating someone with similar/ other problems.
I'd be concerned.

Thank you so much for all your responses. They have given me so much to think about/process.

For clarity, my marriage broke down 4 years ago. I had a lot of help at the time from a local charity and more recently have had nearly a year of therapy. It's been a long road and I have been able to be compassionate about the person I was, targeted when vulnerable by an abusive man.

I've been 'dating' for over 2 years. He has his own flat, car, a lovely close relationship with his adult daughter. His health issues have meant that he has had to give up his previous (physically demanding) profession, and retrain, starting again in a different field as a beginner, working (at least partially) from home in order to effectively manage his pain etc. Quite daunting for anyone I imagine.

I know mum worries about me. I'm trying to look at her choice of words as coming from a place of love and was very comforted by the idea that it might be the impact of her medication. I'm sure she feels that she should/could have done or said more to prevent my previous relationship and perhaps that is coming out now. I'm surprised by the idea that my mum seems to suddenly think financial success is so important, she isn't materialistic at all. I guess my reaction is tied up in the changes that are happening to her; I feel I'm loosing her already. Today she seems to hardly remember that she said it, and has been really supportive of him and some good news he has had.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to share kind words and help.

She’s worried that you’re walking into another potentially difficult relationship. She wants to know you’ll be ok.

Honestly , in your circumstances, I’d put my mumahead of a relatively new relationship.