Am I being a monster or is he being difficult

[Mydogyourdog]

Just going to say this how it is. I can’t stand my DP at the moment. I’m a few weeks pregnant and we need to find somewhere new to live which is stressing me out to high heaven. I feel sick knowing we have nowhere to be and I can’t feel settled.

In the meantime DP has cooked, cleaned, put washing on, changed the bedding, bought food, driven me to an appointment at the weekend which was an hour away. During this time I’ve been angry at him for being so serious…he’s quite a serious man anyway but I’ve shouted at him for not being upbeat enough. I’ve panicked in the night about not having found somewhere to live and asked (shouted) at him to leave the bedroom and sleep in another room.

He isn’t on Rightmove or calling agents and when he was about to the other day, he got called into work again and he’s not done anything since. I’ve had to do this while also working and it makes me so stressed. I’ve told him this and yet everything is taken so seriously by him that he wants to ‘set aside some time’ to go through Rightmove…why can’t he just scroll on his phone on his way into work and call on his lunch hour?

I am so confused and fed up and don’t know why I am feeling these extreme feelings. I am so angry with him and everything he does annoys me. I even told him the other day that I wished I had never met him. He then proceeded to cook me food. Am I the monster here? I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore and I’m even wishing I was with an ex so that I could feel more settled (we had a settled home).

When I was pregnant I irrationally HATED my (now ex) husband. Everything about him irritated me so much and the smell of his aftershave (which I used to love) made me feel sick! So that part is normal as is stressing about needing to find a place to live but he isn’t the enemy here, you’re in this together you should be working together to find a home. And yes you’re pregnant but you’re just as capable of looking through right move and phoning agents yourself. What’s your living situation at the moment, what’s the timescale! You could compile a list of properties, look at them together and then either of you can call. It sounds like he’s doing an awful lot for you and you’re being a bit of a brat to be honest. If you keep treating him so unkindly you’ll push him away. I know it’s hard with hormones but just be honest and explain to him that you’re struggling with these new pregnancy hormones and while you might seem ungrateful you do appreciate him. It’s not unreasonable of him to want to choose a new home with consideration. My ex husband and I are divorced but after I’d had the baby those feelings of irritation with him did disappear, obviously we didn’t work out anyway but it was nothing to do with the pregnancy hormones!

As gently as i can, you are verbally abusing him. Kicking him out of the bedroom in the night?

I would speak to the midwife or your gp. If you aren't usually like this it could be depression or anxiety.

The housing sounds stressful. But settled housing isn't just your dps responsibility. How would you feel if he wished his ex was pregnant with his child instead of you because she wouldn't kick him out of the bedroom?

You really need some outside support and help

With kindness, it does sound like you’re being unnecessarily nasty to him.

Are you usually like this with him?

OP you're being unfair to him, and I think you know that. What would you do if he suddenly decided he couldn't deal with being treat the way you're treating him and left? If I was doing all he's doing and had a partner acting the way you are I'd find it hard to be upbeat too. Pregnancy hormones can be awful, but I can't ever remember treating people this way during my pregnancies. I understand you're stressed, but this behaviour isn't on.

Thanks for the replies. I think I needed to hear this. I’m crying so much right now.

I’m not usually like this, no. I can be fiery but I’ve never kicked him out of bed or being unkind to him like I am being. I honestly hate him.

I keep thinking about how my life is feeling very trapped and I can’t understand why I want to go backwards but I do. I feel like my youth as I know it is gone entirely. I’m in my thirties so god knows why I am not just being an adult.

i think the frustration with the living situation is that he Is so slow and careful with things and this to me feels urgent. We live in a flat that is not suitable for a baby so need to move to a house. Finances are not a problem which only makes it more frustrating. It should be easy to do this.

even when he has done something nice like cooked dinner, I will get irrationally upset if I feel like he looks a bit miserable or he’s quiet. I will literally panic and ask him what he’s thinking over and over. This isn’t like me.

last night I said my foot hurt and asked him to rub it and he sighed and said in a bit of a cross way ‘am I ever going to get a foot rub??’ I went mad and said he had an anger problem and why wasn’t he just caring towards me.

urgh I hate myself but I also feel I hate him too :(

It sounds like you have the anger problem.

What nice things do you for him? I know you at pregnant, but it doesn't stop you for doing nice things for him. I think I would be annoyed if I was treated like shit, kicked put of bedroom then asked for a foot rub.

Is the moving 'emergency' that you are pregnant? Just a few weeks pregnant? You have loads of time.

Please go get some help. People may say pregnancy anger is normal , I disagree, but your relationship may not survive the pregnancy if you don't learn to to manage it.

I'm not surprised he looks miserable if you're treating him like this! I feel sorry for him. I think you need to get help because you are being quite abusive. When you speak to him, try to imagine your child as an adult and how you would feel if his/ her partner was treating them like this. This might help you to be a bit kinder? Can you speak to your midwife / GP about this or maybe look at relationship counselling?

How was the relationship before?

Because it sounds like you are struggling with pregnancy and the realisation of the responsibility it (and child rearing come with) or that deep down you know the relationship isn't right and now feel trapped in it.

How was the relationship before?

Because it sounds like you are struggling with pregnancy and the realisation of the responsibility it (and child rearing come with) or that deep down you know the relationship isn't right and now feel trapped in it.

Poor bloke. You are abusive. You might want to get some help for that. Getting pregnant when you have nowhere to live wasn’t the smartest move of you both. You’ve created a stress for yourselves that didn’t need to be there. All that is no excuse for your behaviour though.

No one he's quiet and serious, you're being horrible to him

Stop being nasty to your partner. Hormones or not, your behaviour is disgusting. You cannot treat another human being like shit.

I do feel trapped in the relationship as I don’t feel 100% about it, but that’s mostly because I feel like now I’m trapped in the sense of having to always consider his job and life as well as my own. I have never been 100% about anyone, I’m a cautious person but did fall in love with him.

I was very independent and have my own income and investment property and lots of friends and I’ve just always lived that way. But then if you’d asked me before this how I felt about the relationship I would have said that I really wanted it a lot.

I guess it’s all focused the mind…I am in shock at how my life is changing and it feels so out of control. I never realised how much I valued my independence before this and it’s like I’m grappling for it back at all costs. Maybe on some level I am pushing him away. I don’t know. When we found out I was pregnant there was a lot of panic on both sides but to be fair to him he’s been pretty stable recently and just got on with it and focussed on sorting things out.

Are you seriously making excuses for your abusive behaviour?
The world doesn't evolve around just you! If I was you I'd do your partner a favour and book a hotel for a week and give him a break from your behaviour.

Bring independent is good. To a point.

You are having a baby so will need ro consider the child in everything. And to a certain degree, their other parent. Even if you weren't together. Unless you split and he disappears, whoch I wouldn't wish on any child.

Are you sure you want a baby?

Sounds like, you aren't happy with any of the situation. And instead of looking at your own part in it, you are blaming him.

But you are being abusive. Thata not ok

Wow it does sound like you're trying to drive him away.

Why is it just on him to find a house? He's clearly, from what you've said, been trying his best to support you but you're rejecting his efforts for not being 'right'. Is there such an urgency on moving? Can't you move with a baby if it came to it?

Sounds like hormones are making you crazy OP.

Look - before you do or say anything to your DP, I think you should take a deep breath, and ask yourself,
"Am I about to be a dick?"
And if you are....Just. Stop.
Sit down in a corner, have a snack, take deep breaths until you are 100% confident you can act like a reasonable adult again.
Be honest now - you wouldn't act like this to your boss or a police officer, would you, so you are capable of making the effort to stay civil.
I know what it's like when hormones send you round the bend but it's really just not on.

You're either -

• in the wrong relationship and need to leave before you completely dismantle his self esteem,
• curiously packed full of pregnancy hormones, but to a concerning level and need to see a dr asap before you physically assault him/someone else,
• a day to day borderline "I'm fiery" but actually that just means you have a temper and the normal dose of pregnancy hormones have turned you into someone with a full blown shit temper - in which case you need to sort yourself out, pronto,
• just using the pregnancy as an excuse for shitty behaviour because you're insecure in the relationship.

None of them are great, but they're mostly all workable, unless you're actually secret option number 5 and actually just horrible all the time and happen to be pregnant, which I'm unsure is fixable.

Regardless, stop treating your partner so shittily and figure out how to sort this out, or it's going to be a really bloody long 9 months.

i think the frustration with the living situation is that he Is so slow and careful with things and this to me feels urgent.

You need to be slow and careful when it comes to finding somewhere to live. It's absolutely not something I'd do by grabbing a few minutes on my phone, I'd want to go through Rightmove methodically and make notes, maybe put them on a spreadsheet.

Your post really struck a chord with me and fwiw, I don’t think you’re an awful person as other posters are suggesting.

I felt like this when DH and I got married. It felt like I was losing my identity, my independence and my life wasn’t in my control any longer. I was afraid that I would become dependent on him and I was terrified that it would end like my first marriage (exH was violent). I was awful to now DH because I didn’t understand why I was feeling how I was and it didn’t make sense to me. He is a total treasure though, fortunately for me.

You are pregnant though so you have all this plus hormones. You aren’t a monster, but you do need to try and start communicating with your DH about how you feel.

I’m not making excuses I was just responding to some of the questions asked in the above posts.

I have been calling agents and been to viewings alone as he’s been busy with work. I guess it just feels like he can’t get on with things as quickly as I want. I have worked all my life to have security as it was a huge thing to me. It almost feels like being with him is bringing less security as I’m waiting on him to get things in place - by which I mean he is very slow with these things whereas I just want to get something sorted so we can focus on everything else.

I have said some horrible things to him but a few weeks ago he said lovely things to me in a restaurant, only to tell me in an argument a few days later that he was ‘trying to mean what he said.’ That shook me a bit and it’s hard not think about him saying nice things he didn’t mean.

I’ve thought about termination but I’m in my thirties and don’t think that’s a good idea. We were pretty happy before this shock.

Stop. Sit down. Just stop.

Now make an appointment with your GP. You need to discuss this with them to ensure that you aren't having an overly emotional response due to hormones.

Get that checked and then think very carefully about what you want, why you are acting as you are. You can't carry on like that - you know that! But you have to take steps to stop, to stop abusing the man for no other reason than he is not living to your timetable.

If you don't, and he has any sense, he will just leave you!

Op you continue along this path, you will drive him away with no one to blame but yourself. Seriously you are a few weeks pregnant, the urgency is not there, even if you are still in the flat when baby is born, it's not an issue, baby doesn't need its own room until older.

You need to stop. You need to think about what you are doing to yourself and the relationship.

Try and slow down, you have time.

He sounds like he's doing all he can as well as not reacting badly to your barbs but he can't absorb this abuse forever so be careful what you wish for as you may end up without a partner as well as unstable housing.

It's not unreasonable to set aside time to go through right move, although that seems a brave move by him just now 🙃 You have to see what you both want and don't want otherwise he'll just annoy you more when he suggests something you don't like. He's not a mind reader.

Chat things over with your midwife or GP and get the help you need. 💐

OP, stop and take a breath, take a couple of days of work to find your balance, and as PP have said please go to your GP as this is not good for you or your baby. Your DP sounds like a decent man and quite understanding, but your behaviour is abusive and eventually you will irreversibly alienate him.