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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being a monster or is he being difficult

47 replies

Mydogyourdog · 25/04/2022 16:58

Just going to say this how it is. I can’t stand my DP at the moment. I’m a few weeks pregnant and we need to find somewhere new to live which is stressing me out to high heaven. I feel sick knowing we have nowhere to be and I can’t feel settled.

In the meantime DP has cooked, cleaned, put washing on, changed the bedding, bought food, driven me to an appointment at the weekend which was an hour away. During this time I’ve been angry at him for being so serious…he’s quite a serious man anyway but I’ve shouted at him for not being upbeat enough. I’ve panicked in the night about not having found somewhere to live and asked (shouted) at him to leave the bedroom and sleep in another room.

He isn’t on Rightmove or calling agents and when he was about to the other day, he got called into work again and he’s not done anything since. I’ve had to do this while also working and it makes me so stressed. I’ve told him this and yet everything is taken so seriously by him that he wants to ‘set aside some time’ to go through Rightmove…why can’t he just scroll on his phone on his way into work and call on his lunch hour?

I am so confused and fed up and don’t know why I am feeling these extreme feelings. I am so angry with him and everything he does annoys me. I even told him the other day that I wished I had never met him. He then proceeded to cook me food. Am I the monster here? I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore and I’m even wishing I was with an ex so that I could feel more settled (we had a settled home).

OP posts:
JoeGoldberg · 25/04/2022 18:42

I could understand you being stressed if you were literally homeless, but you clearly aren't. You need to sort yourself out because this is just unfair. It sounds like you've got a decent bloke there and you're pushing him away! Your posts are all ME and I.

TheUnexpectedPickle · 25/04/2022 18:52

Mydogyourdog · 25/04/2022 17:19

Thanks for the replies. I think I needed to hear this. I’m crying so much right now.

I’m not usually like this, no. I can be fiery but I’ve never kicked him out of bed or being unkind to him like I am being. I honestly hate him.

I keep thinking about how my life is feeling very trapped and I can’t understand why I want to go backwards but I do. I feel like my youth as I know it is gone entirely. I’m in my thirties so god knows why I am not just being an adult.

i think the frustration with the living situation is that he Is so slow and careful with things and this to me feels urgent. We live in a flat that is not suitable for a baby so need to move to a house. Finances are not a problem which only makes it more frustrating. It should be easy to do this.

even when he has done something nice like cooked dinner, I will get irrationally upset if I feel like he looks a bit miserable or he’s quiet. I will literally panic and ask him what he’s thinking over and over. This isn’t like me.

last night I said my foot hurt and asked him to rub it and he sighed and said in a bit of a cross way ‘am I ever going to get a foot rub??’ I went mad and said he had an anger problem and why wasn’t he just caring towards me.

urgh I hate myself but I also feel I hate him too :(

I feel you need a blunt answer.

He looks miserable because you're abusing him. He must be constantly on edge wondering what you're going to shout at him for next. I would be miserable too if my DP was behaving as you are.

Listen to yourself! You constantly have a go at him and quizz him because his facial expressions are not quite as you would like!? If he was posting from his perspective he'd be getting unanimous LTB replies.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 25/04/2022 20:03

Your poor DH.

Butfirstcoffees · 25/04/2022 20:36

That shook me a bit and it’s hard not think about him saying nice things he didn’t mean.

But he did mean them. He was trying to still mean them in the middle of an argument.

Besides which, how could it be ok for you to say nasty things you don't mean. And not ok for him to say nice things he doesn't mean. He is trying despite your abuse.

BadNomad · 26/04/2022 08:06

What a wonderful relationship to bring a baby into. Go get your own place before the baby comes and co-parent apart.

spotcheck · 26/04/2022 08:17

I have said some horrible things to him but a few weeks ago he said lovely things to me in a restaurant, only to tell me in an argument a few days later that he was ‘trying to mean what he said.’ That shook me a bit and it’s hard not think about him saying nice things he didn’t mean

Gosh. He said one tiny thing to stand up for himself here- doesn't mean he didn't mean them at the time.

CatSpeakForDummies · 26/04/2022 08:34

Why can't you schedule time with him to look at listings together, why does he have to do it in your haphazard way? Have you even tried saying "right Wednesday evening, we'll sort through this."

The time you've wasted punishing him for not doing things your way is more of a waste than the time you feel he's wasted having lunch at work rather than scrolling on his phone.

You can call it independence, but it doesn't sound a million miles away from controlling. It's a good time to practice compromise and not putting yourself first, as the baby isn't going to fit in exactly in the way you want it to.

Well done on posting here and being honest, it is a scary time but it isn't his fault. Best of luck

Soultrader · 26/04/2022 08:41

Poor bloke. I imagine it's hard for him to be telling you nice things and meaning them when you're being so awful to him. I mean do you really expect him to say "you're such a wonderful, kind loving person" when you've had a go at him and kicked him out of his own bed because you are anxious?

You need to get some therapy, and quick. This is going to get a million times worse when there's a baby that needs to come first.

MichelleScarn · 26/04/2022 08:56

This behaviour is childish, abusive and appalling. I hope the tears are for him and your child and not a 'poor me'.
So it's OK for you to be too busy at work and not him? If your only a few weeks pregnant and want to be left alone, then YOU go and sleep in the spare room.

You do realise you'll never be able to do everything 100% just for you now don't you?

Honeyroar · 26/04/2022 08:57

Saying this gently for thought.. It’s still early days. Are you sure you want this baby? You could still change your mind. You don’t sound committed/happy in your relationship or secure in where you live/where you are in life.

phizog · 26/04/2022 09:43

Oh you are treating him horribly and you can't use pregnancy as an excuse. Because you admit this is all your own feelings of being trapped, not 100% about the relationship or baby and losing your independence. None of which is on him and really you need to get your head straight as your DH is suffering through it atm and you'll soon have a baby suffering through it as well. Have you discussed all these doubts with him?

You need to take the responsibility to chat to mid wife and maybe even get some counselling. The same way you think he is being slow about choosing a property, you are being slow at getting help for yourself. If I were him I would absolutely be holding off on buying a property while you're behaving this way, because you're acting like that will resolve all your feelings. It won't, you'll still be pissed off and find another reason except you'll both have spent a lot of money and still be unhappy.

A baby is not a balm to soothe your life. And blaming your husband is you dodging responsibility that YOU have made a decision you're not comfortable with. Please talk to someone and get help ASAP.

phizog · 26/04/2022 09:43

Oh you are treating him horribly and you can't use pregnancy as an excuse. Because you admit this is all your own feelings of being trapped, not 100% about the relationship or baby and losing your independence. None of which is on him and really you need to get your head straight as your DH is suffering through it atm and you'll soon have a baby suffering through it as well. Have you discussed all these doubts with him?

You need to take the responsibility to chat to mid wife and maybe even get some counselling. The same way you think he is being slow about choosing a property, you are being slow at getting help for yourself. If I were him I would absolutely be holding off on buying a property while you're behaving this way, because you're acting like that will resolve all your feelings. It won't, you'll still be pissed off and find another reason except you'll both have spent a lot of money and still be unhappy.

A baby is not a balm to soothe your life. And blaming your husband is you dodging responsibility that YOU have made a decision you're not comfortable with. Please talk to someone and get help ASAP.

phizog · 26/04/2022 09:43

Oh you are treating him horribly and you can't use pregnancy as an excuse. Because you admit this is all your own feelings of being trapped, not 100% about the relationship or baby and losing your independence. None of which is on him and really you need to get your head straight as your DH is suffering through it atm and you'll soon have a baby suffering through it as well. Have you discussed all these doubts with him?

You need to take the responsibility to chat to mid wife and maybe even get some counselling. The same way you think he is being slow about choosing a property, you are being slow at getting help for yourself. If I were him I would absolutely be holding off on buying a property while you're behaving this way, because you're acting like that will resolve all your feelings. It won't, you'll still be pissed off and find another reason except you'll both have spent a lot of money and still be unhappy.

A baby is not a balm to soothe your life. And blaming your husband is you dodging responsibility that YOU have made a decision you're not comfortable with. Please talk to someone and get help ASAP.

Prettybubblesintheair · 26/04/2022 14:08

After reading your replies it really does sound like you’re abusive. He’s quiet and miserable because he’s being abused. If I were him I’d be considering leaving and I don’t blame him for dragging his heels with the move. You should be taking a step back and considering whether you should be together, you say things were ok before the pregnancy but you weren’t 100% sure it was right. You don’t have to stay together just because you’re pregnant. I think even after the baby is born you’re going to resent him for getting you pregnant and you losing your “independence” and that makes a very toxic environment to raise a child in. You don’t treat the people you love the way you’re treating him and it’s unfair to bring a child into a loveless relationship.

JoeGoldberg · 26/04/2022 14:16

He’s quiet and miserable because he’s being abused. If I were him I’d be considering leaving and I don’t blame him for dragging his heels with the move.

This resonates with what my marriage was like. I was the quiet and miserable one because every time I said or did anything I thought was useful or helpful I was torn down for it, so I just stopped. And then I was in trouble for NOT doing it!

You really need to speak to someone OP before your partner gets a clue and decides he deserves better than this. You can't use pregnancy as an excuse to be awful to someone.

Bristlenose · 26/04/2022 14:35

You won’t need to worry about feeling trapped when you’ve pushed him into leaving you.

You need to sort this aggressive behaviour out before the baby comes. Do you think babies do what you want them to do?

LetitiaLeghorn · 26/04/2022 14:54

Maybe he's not looking for a house because he's thinking he won't be living in it.
Pregnancy is not an excuse to behave like an arse.

PrinnyPree · 26/04/2022 15:37

I'd be dragging my heels finding a house too if my relationship suddenly turned abusive. You are abusing him OP. You at the very least need to get some counseling, if you tell your GP about your anger issues hopefully they will bump you up a waiting list. Don't stay together just because you have a baby, that is not a healthy environment to bring up a child, I was much happier when my parents split up and the toxic environment evaporated.

chisanunian · 26/04/2022 15:42

The thing with blokes is... well they're not the pregnant one. Once they've got used to the idea that a baby has been made and is on the way, that's it for them. They can put all though of it to one side for months. Because their body isn't the one going through huge hormonal, physical and emotional turmoil as yours is, the whole idea of it is nowhere near as real for them as it is for you.

Crumbler · 26/04/2022 17:12

I’ve panicked in the night about not having found somewhere to live and asked (shouted) at him to leave the bedroom and sleep in another room.

I never got it when people say this. If you don't want to sleep in the same room as someone else, leave. But what right do you have to demand the other person leaves.

Same with kicking out of house when wanting to divorce. It's a shared house, what right do you have to kick out the other partner?

MichelleScarn · 26/04/2022 17:14

chisanunian · 26/04/2022 15:42

The thing with blokes is... well they're not the pregnant one. Once they've got used to the idea that a baby has been made and is on the way, that's it for them. They can put all though of it to one side for months. Because their body isn't the one going through huge hormonal, physical and emotional turmoil as yours is, the whole idea of it is nowhere near as real for them as it is for you.

So you think ops behaviour is justified?

Wouldyabeguilty · 26/04/2022 20:08

The poor poor fucker.

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