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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my marriage recovering?

52 replies

Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 09:28

Maybe some remember my saga... But in a nutshell my marriage went crashing down after I had enough of my husband's misuse of the family finances. He's blamed it all on his "addiction" and promised to get better and go to therapy. He's got a therapist now, but he still hasn't been able to have his first session (that's due in two weeks).

In the meantime life at home has had ups and downs (but significantly more downs) and his drinking has stayed the same (separate to the addiction he's getting treatment for).

Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with pre cancer, and originally he reacted really well and that plus a few other things made me more certain about the future of our marriage, but then 10 days ago, he was drunk I lost my cool and we had a fight.

The other parents of the other children all more or less got involved because I was being too loud. My exH has apologised, as he admits he was getting overstepping (and I guess he knows, so knows how I can react).

My husband's ex-wife didn't but that's by the by.

Still people getting all pissy about my behaviour in my house when I was having a fight with my not so great husband really annoyed the heck out of me.

This past weekend was our anniversary weekend. We went on a mini break and it was nice, not amazing but nice.

He's also has made a promise to never drink at home ever again.

I've told my friends of many years my predicament and they've both have said that it does make sense to wait and see if his treatment works. I agree, but it just takes so long, and I just want a stress free, non eventful life.

OP posts:
whosaidth1 · 25/04/2022 10:11

I'm not you OP but if I were you I'd be hanging up the gloves...This all sounds too stressful for my liking. He could of at-least try and make some changes whilst he waits for treatment. Also therapy/treatment isn't some magic bullet. You still have to put in the WORK in order to get better and by the sounds of it, he's not ready to that yet.

TalkingCat · 25/04/2022 10:50

I don't understand something, you said husband then ex-husband, then husband. So do you have an ex-husband as well as current husband, or is it the same husband?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 11:03

I have an ex-husband and a current husband.

OP posts:
Duracellbunnywannabe · 25/04/2022 11:06

I’m a little confused by the ‘fight’. But no it doesn’t sound like your marriage is recovery, maybe it will but it will take a lot of work and you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 11:14

He's changing, but the drinking was not part of that "original recovery plan". It now is.

Basically my step son got upset about our fight and called his mother who listened to the whole fight "live". I'm louder, so I'm assuming she heard me.

OP posts:
Duracellbunnywannabe · 25/04/2022 11:25

How old are the children? What was happening that you were oblivious to someone ringing someone else and sharing your fight.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 11:31

We were downstairs and he was upstairs locked in his room. They're 16 & 12

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 25/04/2022 12:59

It's not "being pissy" and overstepping about what you do in your home when a kid is scared enough to call his mum about your arguing.

Yes, I know most parents fight, but for a kid to be scared enough to call him mum?

This alone suggests that this is a regular occurrence in your home or that things are affecting the kids more than you know or are aware of, and you have some hard choices to make op.

Your H risks not seeing his kids if they are too scared to be at your home.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 25/04/2022 13:18

Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 11:31

We were downstairs and he was upstairs locked in his room. They're 16 & 12

Locked in his room? Why does it have a lock?

If your argument or fight(what did this entail) is so loud is can be heard down a phone when the phone is on a different floor it is really isn’t acceptable.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 13:24

I don't exactly know when did he call his mum. We eventually (to not upset my daughter who was crying because my husband was shouting at me - her room is on the ground floor) moved upstairs.

He calls his mother all the time. Our fights are just very recent (two months) his drinking has always been a problem. In fact I've called their mother before because his father has been a stubborn drunk before.

OP posts:
forlornlorna1 · 25/04/2022 14:06

Your poor children 😢

Put aside anything else going on in your relationship and really think about what is best for them

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/04/2022 14:11

Your poor children indeed. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

I would put them first and exit this marriage. This is no relationship for you to remain in either. His primary relationship is with drink and no therapist can help him, this person may well become the latest enabler to prop him up.

SnakesHaveNoEyelids · 25/04/2022 14:16

Locked in his room?

I don't fully understand your posts but this sounds toxic for everyone involved. If you're having screaming rows and you can't trust him then what is the point of it?

JustBloodyListen · 25/04/2022 14:22

Your poor bloody kids. It is absolutely not normal for parents to argue to the point one child is in tears and a teenager has to lock himself in his room and call his mum because he is so frightened. That should be what you are focusing on, not whether your husband is behaving better towards you or if your marriage has a future. All you should be concerned about is the fact you have children living in an abusive environment.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 14:26

Well I believe raising your voice is not as awful as everybody on this of the pond think it is, as long you find a resolution to it. We're naturally louder anyways and it doesn't translate very well... To quote my ex husband, "when you talk to your family I can't tell if you're chatting, laughing, or having a fight" but that's by the by.

We only started fighting after he had to come clean, so that's the past couple of months.

He does have a problem with alcohol but nothing social services nor the health visitor seemed bothered about. He's not addicted to it, and it doesn't escalate often enough to be considered a "problem".

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/04/2022 15:00

"He does have a problem with alcohol but nothing social services nor the health visitor seemed bothered about".

Well they do not have to live with him and they have also not seen the full extent of his problem with alcohol. I would also think these individuals are completely unaware as to the extent of what is happening at all here.

"He's not addicted to it, and it doesn't escalate often enough to be considered a "problem".

So that makes it ok then, not. Not all alcoholics live on park benches, many of them have long suffering family members. Alcoholism is called the "family disease" for very good reason; all of the family are affected by alcoholism.

rookiemere · 25/04/2022 15:00

I haven't read your previous thread so I imagine there is a significant back story.

You need to own your own actions though. You got drunk and proceeded to have a fight with your H loud and long enough to prompt one of your DC to phone their other DP,

If having your H in the house makes you react like this then yes you should separate.

If you are unable to drink without having loud arguments that are scary for young children, perhaps you have a drink problem as well. Certainly sounds like it could only help if you stopped drinking and possibly went to AA.

JustBloodyListen · 25/04/2022 15:03

It’s not the loudness of your voice that is the problem. It’s the fact that what you are both saying to each other is enough to make a 12yo cry and a 16yo lock himself in his room and call his mother out of fear. I come from a loud family but I have never feared my parents or cried when they’ve argued. And I come from a far from perfect family.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 15:16

@rookiemere I wasn't drunk though :/

I call from a loud family and never hid from them. So clearly they're just not that very used to it. My daughter thought my husband was being violent towards me.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 25/04/2022 15:28

Oh sorry @Onlyrainbows I misread the OP
Apologies.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 25/04/2022 15:39

Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 14:26

Well I believe raising your voice is not as awful as everybody on this of the pond think it is, as long you find a resolution to it. We're naturally louder anyways and it doesn't translate very well... To quote my ex husband, "when you talk to your family I can't tell if you're chatting, laughing, or having a fight" but that's by the by.

We only started fighting after he had to come clean, so that's the past couple of months.

He does have a problem with alcohol but nothing social services nor the health visitor seemed bothered about. He's not addicted to it, and it doesn't escalate often enough to be considered a "problem".

There is a lot minimising going on here OP. If your shouting is upsetting your child there is a problem. Why are ss involved?

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 15:46

SS got involved because of one drinking episode. My actual child was not upset because of my shouting, it was my husband's shouting.

What made my stepson call his mother I don't know. It might have been not my shouting and rather his father being drunk. That I don't know.

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 25/04/2022 15:59

This doesn't sound anything like a recovering marriage to me. What it sounds like is a mess tbh. I don't remember your previous thread, so I don't know what your husband's 'other addiction' is, but I find it surprising if you really believe you can move on from this as a couple and have a future together, and am wondering how much of this damaging stuff you're willing to subject your children to before you call it a day.

OceanAtTheEnd · 25/04/2022 16:04

@Onlyrainbows, you're trying to minimise everything - this sounds truly dreadful.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 16:06

Up until I had enough about his financial misuse, we were doing ok. I was dealing with his drinking better and I was just able to let it slip. He's normally not a violent drunk, he just passed out.

OP posts:
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