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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my marriage recovering?

52 replies

Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 09:28

Maybe some remember my saga... But in a nutshell my marriage went crashing down after I had enough of my husband's misuse of the family finances. He's blamed it all on his "addiction" and promised to get better and go to therapy. He's got a therapist now, but he still hasn't been able to have his first session (that's due in two weeks).

In the meantime life at home has had ups and downs (but significantly more downs) and his drinking has stayed the same (separate to the addiction he's getting treatment for).

Two weeks ago I was diagnosed with pre cancer, and originally he reacted really well and that plus a few other things made me more certain about the future of our marriage, but then 10 days ago, he was drunk I lost my cool and we had a fight.

The other parents of the other children all more or less got involved because I was being too loud. My exH has apologised, as he admits he was getting overstepping (and I guess he knows, so knows how I can react).

My husband's ex-wife didn't but that's by the by.

Still people getting all pissy about my behaviour in my house when I was having a fight with my not so great husband really annoyed the heck out of me.

This past weekend was our anniversary weekend. We went on a mini break and it was nice, not amazing but nice.

He's also has made a promise to never drink at home ever again.

I've told my friends of many years my predicament and they've both have said that it does make sense to wait and see if his treatment works. I agree, but it just takes so long, and I just want a stress free, non eventful life.

OP posts:
JustBloodyListen · 25/04/2022 16:59

@Onlyrainbows you being able to deal with your drunk and abusive husband doesn’t mean your marriage is back on track. Prioritise your children ffs and stop traumatising them.

Shedcity · 25/04/2022 17:01

No

forlornlorna1 · 25/04/2022 17:10

Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 16:06

Up until I had enough about his financial misuse, we were doing ok. I was dealing with his drinking better and I was just able to let it slip. He's normally not a violent drunk, he just passed out.

Ah I still remember seeing my mom passed out drunk night after night as a kid. Still haunts me. Put your kids first

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 17:23

His older kids are used to it. I mean they've never decided not to come because of his alcohol use (bur have decided not to visit for other reasons like getting bored like when we couldn't afford an Xbox subscription).

I can only assume it was a similar pattern when he was with his ex wife, she always seems very dismissive about the whole thing (it's just him isn't it!)

But they all drink substantially, the children do mention their mother being merry, etc .. so they've normalised that.

My daughter is more relaxed about everything, but I'm sure she didn't like hearing how I was being shouted at, because over all that really really happens.

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 25/04/2022 17:30

In what possible way do you think this is recovery?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/04/2022 17:34

Indeed they have normalised it. That's also why alcoholism is called the family disease; it does not just affect the alcoholic in question. Its very likely that some of them will develop alcohol problems or pick alcoholics for partners.

Your daughter did not at all like how he shouted at you. Would you want her as an adult to be in such a relationship like you are in now?. What you're doing is showing her that such treatment is acceptable to you on some level. Put her own self and you first now, not this man.

shreddednips · 25/04/2022 17:58

Sorry OP, it doesn't sound like your marriage is recovering. It's one thing being a loud talker, but if your children are crying or calling their other parent because they're frightened, the line has been crossed whether you thing it has or not. Other people are perfectly entitled to be 'pissy' about you arguing in your own home if it's affecting your children like this.

My father was an alcoholic and my parents stayed together. The effects on children are profound and far-reaching, and they won't necessarily tell you that they're affected. This situation sounds unbearable for everyone involved and I think you should seriously consider whether it's better to end the marriage. It's all very well saying wait and see if his treatment works, but he shouldn't be allowed to continue creating a hostile home environment for your children while you wait.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 19:03

@shreddednips they might be entitled but they're not entitled to just blame me. At least not the mother of my stepchildren. And particularly not when she's no better than me (in that sense). Basically they're just saying that his drinking is fair game, but me having a meltdown isn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 19:05

And my stepson regularly had panic attacks about everything and is on his phone with his mother a lot of the time.

OP posts:
Harridan1981 · 25/04/2022 19:11

Your 'meltdown' is scarier to a child to be fair. It sounds rather like neither of you can control yourselves tbh.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 19:35

I've got my better at controling myself. But I was at the end of my tether. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I ended up having to take 15mg of diazepam because I was just a complete mess at that point.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 26/04/2022 05:43

Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 14:26

Well I believe raising your voice is not as awful as everybody on this of the pond think it is, as long you find a resolution to it. We're naturally louder anyways and it doesn't translate very well... To quote my ex husband, "when you talk to your family I can't tell if you're chatting, laughing, or having a fight" but that's by the by.

We only started fighting after he had to come clean, so that's the past couple of months.

He does have a problem with alcohol but nothing social services nor the health visitor seemed bothered about. He's not addicted to it, and it doesn't escalate often enough to be considered a "problem".

Doesn't matter that you are "loud" naturally, your kids are freaked out by your behaviour...

And as someone who recently left a man who "has a problem with alcohol" I disagree that it's not a problem, and it certainly IS an addiction. Otherwise it wouldn't be a "problem"

whosaidth1 · 26/04/2022 09:06

Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 16:06

Up until I had enough about his financial misuse, we were doing ok. I was dealing with his drinking better and I was just able to let it slip. He's normally not a violent drunk, he just passed out.

Do you hear yourself??? My goodness! I don't want to come across as victim blaming but babes you need Out! Its like saying "I've been dealing with his abuse and its been OK". Stop making excuses for him. You shouldn't have to "deal" with toxicity.

TalkingCat · 26/04/2022 09:34

Why are you so loud? Do you think you're funny being so loud and disturbing everyone? Do you and your entire family have hearing loss and that's why you're all so loud? Were you never taught 'indoor voice' vs 'outdoor voice'? How are you not embarrassed/self conscious? Don't you have any self respect or self awareness? Having the neighbourhood hear all your conversations and business is very trashy, so is talking loud. I too don't want to victim-blame but you all sound trashy/chavvy (or whatever the word is, I'm non-UK). Clearly you screeching and screaming like a lunatic is scaring your DSS/children. They're probably more afraid of you than their father. So no you're marriage is not recovering, but you both sound like terrible dysfunctional people that weren't taught how to behave in civilised society. It's the children I feel sorry for.

TalkingCat · 26/04/2022 09:34

Why are you so loud? Do you think you're funny being so loud and disturbing everyone? Do you and your entire family have hearing loss and that's why you're all so loud? Were you never taught 'indoor voice' vs 'outdoor voice'? How are you not embarrassed/self conscious? Don't you have any self respect or self awareness? Having the neighbourhood hear all your conversations and business is very trashy, so is talking loud. I too don't want to victim-blame but you all sound trashy/chavvy (or whatever the word is, I'm non-UK). Clearly you screeching and screaming like a lunatic is scaring your DSS/children. They're probably more afraid of you than their father. So no you're marriage is not recovering, but you both sound like terrible dysfunctional people that weren't taught how to behave in civilised society. It's the children I feel sorry for.

TalkingCat · 26/04/2022 09:35

Why did that post twice? Sorry.

TalkingCat · 26/04/2022 09:36

That shouldn't have posted twice, sorry.

Addicted2LuvIsland · 26/04/2022 09:37

I am still confused as to why people's ex's are getting involved or commenting on an argument that took place in your own home. First of all arguments happen and second of all in MY house I do and say what I like. They can all do one!

TalkingCat · 26/04/2022 09:37

That shouldn't have posted twice, sorry.

differentnameforthis · 26/04/2022 10:12

Addicted2LuvIsland · 26/04/2022 09:37

I am still confused as to why people's ex's are getting involved or commenting on an argument that took place in your own home. First of all arguments happen and second of all in MY house I do and say what I like. They can all do one!

In this case it was because the op's STEPSON called his mum upset because of the shouting. So yeah, that is the (current husband's) ex's business in this case

differentnameforthis · 26/04/2022 10:18

This reply has been withdrawn

Duplicate post

Duracellbunnywannabe · 26/04/2022 10:39

Onlyrainbows · 25/04/2022 19:05

And my stepson regularly had panic attacks about everything and is on his phone with his mother a lot of the time.

Unfortunately its not surprising that a teenager with an alcoholic Dad and who spends part of this time in an abusive household is having panic attacks. You and DH need to wise up, put your children first and sort yourselves out which may mean separating.

differentnameforthis · 26/04/2022 10:48

Duracellbunnywannabe · 26/04/2022 10:39

Unfortunately its not surprising that a teenager with an alcoholic Dad and who spends part of this time in an abusive household is having panic attacks. You and DH need to wise up, put your children first and sort yourselves out which may mean separating.

Show quote history

Exactly, Duracell... if you know he regularly has panic attacks his home needs to be as stable as possible.

I left my ex due to my dd's unstable MH and ex's increasing dependency on alcohol which exacerbated her issues (not only because of that, but it was a HUGE factor).

I don't think that some people understand how damaging this stuff is to our kids. Kids aren't actually as resilient as we are led to believe...

Shedcity · 26/04/2022 11:15

Get a grip op
Your posts read like it's everyone else's fault

The only thing you need to consider here is that your kids are growing up either seeing their parents be violent or perceiving their parents to be violent
Your DH is 'normally not violent' meaning sometimes he is.
People are shouting, drinking, (and being violent?) around them enough that they are freaked out, SS have been involved and other adults are getting worried about them. There is also a separate addiction, and financial issues.
And you're on here asking if your marriage is recovering. Get. A. Grip. Think about your children and what you're modelling here, rather than worrying about who is 'no better than you' like that makes it ok.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 26/04/2022 13:12

My stepsons panic attacks have always existed. All of my "struggles" have been triggered by their dad. I've never told them one negative thing about him.

I've called SS because I've been scared and for advise. Both times they wouldn't get involved as he wasn't an "addict". Their words not mine.

We're just naturally (and culturally loud). Think of Gloria from modern family.

OP posts:
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