Feel dumped by my mum (as an adult !)

Kittycooo · 2022-04-24T21:00:47+00:00

Me and my sister have been close to my mum over the years , especially since our dad died: she has now got a new relationship with some man she met OLD (initially v on / off which caused her a little of anxiety but increasingly on ) . Anyway since it’s been ‘on’ she has literally dumped me, my sister, her grandchildren . My paternal uncle recently passed away and she didn’t come to the funeral, much to the upset of me and my sister. there is now hardly any contact unless we imitate it and then it’s minimal how can someone dump their kids like this? Any words of wisdom ? Thanks

ilikemethewayiam · 24/04/2022 22:09

I’m sorry to hear this OP. I’m really close to my Mum. I would be devastated by this. I would expect this to a certain degree with friends but not a Mother. She must really have had her head turned. Have you spoken to her about it? If so what reasons has she given? How does your sister feel about it? How sad for you all. 💐

GettinPiggyWithIt · 24/04/2022 22:11

I’d be more concerned that she’s being controlled by the new fella. Is that likely?

Original poster

Kittycooo · 24/04/2022 22:11

thanks for your post x

My sister is also very hurt by it (

haven’t spoken to my mum about it but I may do. Not sure there is much point tbh

she has literally vanished from our lives (I live 5 mins away from her !)

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seensome · 24/04/2022 22:13

Same here, after my dad passed away, she met and married another man and has disappeared from our lives. If I try and get in touch she ignores my messages, I can't imagine every doing that to my own children.

Original poster

Kittycooo · 24/04/2022 22:14

GettinPiggyWithIt · 24/04/2022 22:11

I’d be more concerned that she’s being controlled by the new fella. Is that likely?

We have been really worried about this too

hes been emotionally unavailable and she has been very anxious over the last couple of years as a result. At this time she would confide in me a lot about him. Since they are more ‘on’ I don’t think he is controlling , more that she is a desperately needy and he is giving her what she needs at the moment .well, some of it !

anyway - she is totally focused ok him and has kind of ditched the rest of us (

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Original poster

Kittycooo · 24/04/2022 22:17

seensome · 24/04/2022 22:13

Same here, after my dad passed away, she met and married another man and has disappeared from our lives. If I try and get in touch she ignores my messages, I can't imagine every doing that to my own children.

Omg - she will so do this

I can’t believe this !! I’m so sorry @seensome . The irony is both me and my sister are on our second marriages and it is the thing we are most mindful of - our own kids and their extended family!

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PeaceLurking9to5 · 24/04/2022 22:17

wow, has he moved in? It's not normal to get a new 'bf' and then never contact your adult children. Does he sulk when she says she's going to contact you I wonder.

seensome · 24/04/2022 22:17

I must add that the man she's married to is controlling so I'm sure that has something to do with it but still, it hurts as it's her choice.

Original poster

Kittycooo · 24/04/2022 22:20

PeaceLurking9to5 · 24/04/2022 22:17

wow, has he moved in? It's not normal to get a new 'bf' and then never contact your adult children. Does he sulk when she says she's going to contact you I wonder.

He hasn’t moved in, no

I honestly think she is just dementedly focused on him and actually doesn’t love us in a normal maternal way, she just doesn’t need us any more so has ditched us !

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ChampagneJustBecause · 24/04/2022 22:27

I know if my mum met someone (divorced 10+ years ago) I know I’d be dropped along with GC. We are just a stopgap for sure.

Original poster

Kittycooo · 24/04/2022 22:30

ChampagneJustBecause · 24/04/2022 22:27

I know if my mum met someone (divorced 10+ years ago) I know I’d be dropped along with GC. We are just a stopgap for sure.

Omg yes that’s it! Feel such a stopgap

hOW can someone be like this ? I try so hard myself to ensure our kids come first in our (second ) marriage .

how do you know this so surely hon?

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Figmentofimagination · 24/04/2022 22:49

We had this with FIL. DH and FIL were really close, when DH's stepmum passed away we were there for him all the time. But then he got with his girlfriend.
It started off slowly, we wouldn't see him for ages but DH still spoke to him a lot even though he lived 10 mins drive away. But then he moved in with her and it's like he stopped bothering with us. We'd only hear from him on special occasions. Every time we tried to organise something we'd get noncommittal responses. Even when our DS was born he hardly ever bothered, didn't come round for a few weeks, never asked about him. It hurt DH that his dad had dropped him, and that he wasn't bothered about his grandson.
18months ago he caught covid. We said goodbye to him over video chat. DH emotions were all over the place as he wanted to mourn his dad but he wasn't around anyway so it wasn't like a void suddenly appeared.
The funeral was the hardest part. There was a 2 eulogies. One for family which didn't even mention our DS, and then the girlfriend's nephew spoke his own eulogy for his family. That broke us. Hearing about all the things FIL did with his new family. The trips out, the family games nights, their shared interests, how the nephew loved FIL. We had been replaced with a new family.
DH still struggles with it now. He'll never get the answers as to why we were replaced, he'll always resent the girlfriend and her family. He hates his dad for doing that but can never let that anger go. The only plus is because DS never knew FIL, he'll never experience the hurt.

Figmentofimagination · 24/04/2022 22:52

Sorry for the long post, I'm still bitter about it as well.
I do think you should pull your mum up on it though, ask her directly, don't skirt around the issue. Don't be like us who just accepted things, because if something drastic does happen you'll never get the answers you need and you'll be resentful. We will never fully get over it, we just have to live with it.

Original poster

Kittycooo · 24/04/2022 23:15

Figmentofimagination · 24/04/2022 22:52

Sorry for the long post, I'm still bitter about it as well.
I do think you should pull your mum up on it though, ask her directly, don't skirt around the issue. Don't be like us who just accepted things, because if something drastic does happen you'll never get the answers you need and you'll be resentful. We will never fully get over it, we just have to live with it.

That is so hurtful am so sorry for you all (

not sure confronting her would have any point tbh, she would be defensive and even more distant - she would use it as an excuse to cut us off basically !

in some ways it’s a massive relief - my eldest has come out and my mother has been quite nasty at times over the last couple of years . It’s easier not to be around her in that respect !

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Original poster

Kittycooo · 29/04/2022 20:55

@Figmentofimagination I fear she would sort of run with that and use it to justify her lack of contact ..?

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Figmentofimagination · 29/04/2022 21:09

I can understand as that. FIL was never the bad guy.

WTFmum · 30/04/2022 09:09

Same here I'm afraid, but I feel like a right twat as I kept going with the relationship failing to notice that she'd stopped and wasn't interested! She's with a man with no kids, her friends don't have relationships with their kids, and I think that suits her. She said it was all about him now and that's that. I don't know how you just stop being a mum after 30 years, but she has. No fucks given about me at all, and actually really cold and a bit nasty.

WTFmum · 30/04/2022 09:11

I wondered if it was part of old age. Or is it not being able to reconcile the kids, the dead husband and the old family life, with the new partner and a free and exciting future.

Original poster

Kittycooo · 30/04/2022 10:39

@WTFmum gosh it’s so sad and hurtful . So sorry (

yes me and my sister have been inviting her / including her but it’s prettty obvious she has sort of dumped us all . Never ever thought she was that kind of person ! I would never ever do that to my kids, totally makes me feel she never really loved us

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Original poster

Kittycooo · 30/04/2022 13:28

WTFmum · 30/04/2022 09:11

I wondered if it was part of old age. Or is it not being able to reconcile the kids, the dead husband and the old family life, with the new partner and a free and exciting future.

Yes - so weird tho . I mean I am divorced and with new partner but we both focus on the kids , even tho some are young adults

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Grotbag81 · 30/04/2022 13:36

My uncle has just done this to his adult sons. He's raised them as a single dad has just got a 30% mortgage with sons.

He met someone about 3 months ago and has disappeared. He still pays his share. He just pops up occasionally.

It's tricky because he has done his grafted hard, raised his kids and is entitled and deserves a fresh start. I don't get why it has to be a choice like one life or another, rather than combining the two.

PerseverancePays · 30/04/2022 13:44

I'm 'old age' and I would never dump my kids in favour of a new man! I would suggest that your mum might have had children because it was expected of her and she might have never had children if it was more acceptable back in the last century. She might not be very maternal and glad to drop the whole thing.
Still very painful for you and your sister to be so unimportant to her.
I hope she doesn't selfishly remember who you both are when she needs elder care.

Original poster

Kittycooo · 30/04/2022 14:21

PerseverancePays · 30/04/2022 13:44

I'm 'old age' and I would never dump my kids in favour of a new man! I would suggest that your mum might have had children because it was expected of her and she might have never had children if it was more acceptable back in the last century. She might not be very maternal and glad to drop the whole thing.
Still very painful for you and your sister to be so unimportant to her.
I hope she doesn't selfishly remember who you both are when she needs elder care.

yes exactly - her new partner is a fair bit older than her, she’s really burning her bridges

it’s so sad because I always thought of her so differently till my dad died

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Original poster

Kittycooo · 30/04/2022 14:23

Grotbag81 · 30/04/2022 13:36

My uncle has just done this to his adult sons. He's raised them as a single dad has just got a 30% mortgage with sons.

He met someone about 3 months ago and has disappeared. He still pays his share. He just pops up occasionally.

It's tricky because he has done his grafted hard, raised his kids and is entitled and deserves a fresh start. I don't get why it has to be a choice like one life or another, rather than combining the two.

Exactly why dump your family

Just makes you feel so used

she has actually said to us when we have invited her for Xmas - can I just wait to see if X invites me first ? Seriously !

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Original poster

Kittycooo · 30/04/2022 14:24

I should add that she has the whole family(considerable ) estate (handed down to my dad by his parents ) so that’s an added aspect to it

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