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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Scared to leave partner, not on mortgage...

30 replies

Allforall · 24/04/2022 18:14

Hi all,

I am really at the end of my tether with the relationship with my partner of three years. My children and I live in his house, he bought. I cannot get on the deeds as I have bad credit I am currently on a payment plan to sort. We are not married. I feel like such a fool as I really believed after a the marriage the to the kids father this current man was the one etc etc...

I feel so scared and vulnerable now as I want to leave but I don't know how to as there is so much competition for any houses that come available to rent. I'd likely need a gauruntor as I currently only work part time as a self employed hair stylist and don't make a lot from this (I'd obviously work much more if I left)

We have bend in this house nearly two years and I don't not want to stay here or want anything feom it, its his and his elder daughters. However I have contributed to food etc, the car and the house being done up a bit (nothing major)

Tbh I am not agyer any money, I'd walk away , I'm just worried about having a place to live for my kids and I. I do not want to go into sheltered accommodation as I know people who have been stuck there for 12 months due to the current housing climate. I would feel dreadful bringing my kids up in a hotel when I haven't even been forced to like my poor friends I know.

I also worry it will leave me vulnerable as mum if I say I am seperating from this partner, as their dad owns his own home. I know he would never want custody, he only has them at weekends, but I worry if he wanted to he could take them from me if I end up effectively seperating from my partner but being stuck here until I find somewhere. I'm probably over thinking all of this but as I say I'm just scared and feel so stuck and alone and angry St myself for not being able to stick it out... But we have tried and just don't work anymore and I dont want that around my kids. I won't live with anyone again after this that's for sure, not until the kids are much older.

Sorry for the epic ramblings. I hope some of you can help with any advice at all? Thank you so much!

OP posts:

Original poster

Allforall · 24/04/2022 18:16

I'm so sorry for the typos!

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 24/04/2022 18:18

Register with all the local estate agents so they can contact you with suitable properties as soon as they come available. Get put on the waiting list with local council/HA - you don’t need to be homeless.
Have a look for anyone advertising houses to rent on Facebook marketplace x

Maydaysoonenough · 24/04/2022 18:21

What area are you op? I know a reputable ll..

Threetulips · 24/04/2022 18:22

Do you have a deposit? Have you applied for UC for housing? The more organised you are the better.

Speak to shelter, they may be able to help.

Original poster

Allforall · 24/04/2022 18:39

Hi everyone thanks for the replies!

Girlmum- thank you, I have done this! But for every property they advertise they have over 100 people apply, an estate agent I spoke with said the need and the supply is totally out of whack!

Mayday- I am in the South West?

Threetulips-i can get a deposit yes, I can also get uc set up but scared to take that official leap as ridiculous as that sounds.
I'll contact Shelter, thanks.

OP posts:

Fizzgigg · 24/04/2022 18:52

You said you'd work more if you left but actually that needs to be a step you take now to start building up cash and credit. I'd start there.

Original poster

Allforall · 24/04/2022 19:15

Thanks fizz, so you think if I work more and declare more earnings it'll help with getting rented accommodation? How long would you advise this if I were to do so?

OP posts:

Outoutoutshout · 25/04/2022 04:56

Sorry but the food and car are irrelevant as you'd have used these things regardless of where you lived. Same with many minor home improvements really. Could you work more now to build up more financial security before moving on?

Original poster

Allforall · 25/04/2022 06:31

Out and out - I could probably do this - yes, but I'd rather not have to do that if it is possible to leave now and rent elsewhere... I'll start working more
The thing is he has asked thay I go, he isn't happy either so it isn't just down to me. He wouldn't see us destitute etc but I don't think he would want me hanging about for months either if this is over.

OP posts:

Original poster

Allforall · 25/04/2022 06:34

The trouble with my self employed work is if I work more I get less money elsewhere and I receive carers allowance which I wouldn't get either so I'd end up with less over all now, but obviously it would possibly help me rent in the future. However realistically I'd probably still need a gauruntor as my work isn't exactly raking it in...

OP posts:

redastherose · 25/04/2022 06:57

If he's asked you to leave you are homeless and you need to tell your local housing department that you need housing as an emergency.

Sunnysideup · 25/04/2022 07:13

Ok that changes things drastically. He’s asked you and your children to leave. So You need to leave. Contact th council and declare you are homeless and need accommodation .

I really don’t understand the whole you paid for food and car etc, you need these things and or the “if I leave”, you can’t just plan to stay in this man’s home. Contact the council and start the process. You are homeless and you are not entitled to continue to live in his home.

Original poster

Allforall · 25/04/2022 08:11

Thank you guys. I mean I have paid toward household expenses such as the car we both use and food we all eat, I offered more but he declined as he earns significantly more. We haven't been sponging off of him. I have paid towards the house looking nice, I haven't sat back and let him pay for it all. I don't want to say too much on here but my circumstances mean that I had to end studies and do the job I am doing as and when I can. Its complicated. I am sorey if I sound defensive but I fear I come across as some sort of sponge and I am not.

I don't want to tell the council we are homeless and end up in a hotel with my kids it isn't fair to tjem, as I said my friends have done this before and ended up stuck for months.

It is a mutual decision we leave, and I am sure he would be happy to wait until I find a property rent I don't think he would want me to end up in emergency accommodation as it is very dire and we don't need it like others do so it isn't fair to anyone in times like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Allforall · 25/04/2022 08:36

I also did want to get on the mortgage but couldn't due to bad credit agyer having to leave the children's father. He has encouraged paying for everything from his account, despite me saying I pay toward it. I wish now we had a joint account. I wish I had done a lot differently and feel such a fool.

OP posts:

needmorethanthis · 25/04/2022 08:47

Where did you live before? Can you go back there? Do you have any family to move in with? Try expanding your area? You’re self employed so can work anywhere. What about bigger south west towns like Plymouth? If you look somewhere that has a university you will find more property available. How many kids? Are you looking at flats or are you being fussy eg saying you will only live somewhere with a garden?

Original poster

Allforall · 25/04/2022 08:58

Need - I can't move too far as the kids need to be in the school they're in due to sen. I rented a property before and we all lived there, so he has lived in my property too tbf.

I am not being fussy and looking outwith my area but cannot go too far due to kids school and their dad being close to them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Allforall · 25/04/2022 09:00

The trouble is he asks us to find somewhere else to live and then we make up, and he blames it on arguing but I am left feeling vulnerable. I know we could make up, but I know that isn't the right thing to do by anyone?

OP posts:

mum11970 · 25/04/2022 09:03

If he’s asked you to leave go to your local council and tell them. They will have to house you as you will be homeless. You are entitled to nothing from your partner. Even if you were on the mortgage you would be entitled to next to nothing. After just 3 years together he owes you nothing.

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 25/04/2022 10:44

You don't really have a choice but to leave. Sorry you are in this situation but right now you are leaving your children more vulnerable by relying on his goodwill to let you stay until you find alternative accommodation - but he could change his mind in an instant and you would find yourself in even more stress.

You need to work out what is the most income to benefit ratio you could get and increase your hours to maximise your income in that way. Save for a rental deposit, and if you can, get a guarantor lined up. If you need to rent a 2 bed apartment for the time-being then so be it. It's more stable and less stressful for you and your children than being homeless.

You should act like you will be thrown out in 2 weeks - such is the urgency. You seem very relaxed at the moment and you're acting like staying put is an option. It's not.

Original poster

Allforall · 25/04/2022 13:04

Hi everyone he's now admitting he needs to change and begging we stay...

As I've said previously I don't expect anything financially from his house, I have made this clear.

The children are not aware of any of this. I have enquired about several properties today and awaiting responses. I feel sad he is begging I stay and saying he will change, I just can't help but doubt it but I want to stay in the hope he will. He is a good man but suffers with low mood and this makes him very critical. I have tried and tried to support him with it but I don't know if he will ever get the help he needs.

OP posts:

Original poster

Allforall · 25/04/2022 13:07

I guess bottom line is I need to get back to my training and education otherwise I will always be in this vulnerable position. He encouraged me to leave it and I really regret it now as it would have ensured I had a decent career at least.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 25/04/2022 13:09

If he's begging you to stay then stay while you've got somewhere to move to or until you've got your ducks in a row - if you're happy to continue the relationship until then.
Start working more and build up some savings.

If you want to give him and the relationship a shot that's great - at least you'll have options for if it doesn't work out.

Original poster

Allforall · 25/04/2022 13:10

I have said about moving out and having my own home and us staying together to work through things that way. As at the minute I worry this isn't maximum security for the kids and I. He doesn't want to do this.

OP posts:

newbiename · 25/04/2022 13:13

Allforall · 25/04/2022 13:07

Why did he encourage you to leave education/ training?
I think you need to move on. Good luck

Original poster

Allforall · 25/04/2022 13:14

Thanks girl- I feel duplicitous doing that to him.

I'm going to have a good think today and consider all options. I am definitely going to work more but as I say it doesn't really impact things as I'd still need a gauruntor. I have family who can help a bit financially and I'd obviously pay them back.

I guess ultimately i feel scared. I'd rather judt have my own place and go back to studying to ensure security for the kids as ultimately in my position I'm vulnerable. However studying causes a whole other host of issues and isn't ideal for us all either. It's a tricky situ!

OP posts:

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