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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Forcing the door ope

31 replies

disconnecteddrifter · 24/04/2022 12:46

This morning I was woken up early by my partner again, 530am and playing music loudly downstairs. When he came up at 8 I asked him to be more considerate as he had done the same thing yesterday. He said he thought I'd had enough sleep, and told me I was the happiest he'd seen me yesterday so there was no problem. It turned into an argument where we swore at each other and I ended up crying. Because of this he opened the bedroom door wide so his children could come in and in his words witness that he wasn't doing anything wrong (I'm just crazy). I was naked and have endo and first day of period. I went to shut it. He grabbed my hand and wedged himself in the door telling his children he has to do it as I'm upset and angry. He's just come up justifying his behaviour. He refuses to see that it was unhelpful. I just never know if I am in the wrong or not anymore. I feel so beaten down.

OP posts:
SophieSoSo · 24/04/2022 12:48

He is abusive, this isn’t the first time is it? what can we do to help you leave the situation?

Who's house is it? X

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 24/04/2022 12:50

Oh my word. That sounds awful. Yes he is being abusive.

What do you want to do?

GrazingSheep · 24/04/2022 12:53

I guess you need to leave him

disconnecteddrifter · 24/04/2022 13:03

It's both our house. I have tried to leave him before. He even came up to apologise (justify) and said I suppose you're going to leave me again. I told him I can't be around his children now and he said he will go out so I can go downstairs and make myself some breakfast. But has reneged on that. I need to get some work done for tomorrow at the office today but I just feel like I can't do anything. I'm drained. He insists he was justified and that I'm abusive because I reacted and he wanted to show his children he was doing nothing wrong.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 24/04/2022 13:30

What age are his children ?

Rosez · 24/04/2022 13:32

This is abuse.
Do you have anywhere you can go and stay in the meantime?
You need to leave him, this won't get any better, OP Flowers

Xpologog · 24/04/2022 14:00

This is abuse of you and his children, he’s using them to justify his abuse of you. What does that teach his children?
Do you have someone you could stay with?

ChaToilLeam · 24/04/2022 14:03

He’s an abusive shitbag. Depriving you of sleep and now trying to humiliate you in front of the children. I hope you can get help to get away from this man. Social services should be informed too, the
children should not be subjected to this either.

Maydaysoonenough · 24/04/2022 14:07

Is the house rented?

Theunamedcat · 24/04/2022 14:12

Seriously? he wanted the kids to see you naked?

And showing them he was doing nothing wrong? Has he been accused of domestic violence before by any chance?

HollowTalk · 24/04/2022 14:14

This is a terrible situation for you. Do you have anywhere else you can go to? He sounds absolutely appalling and I think you really need to leave him. I would try to get out and then contact a solicitor about what to do with the house.

thebeespyjamas · 24/04/2022 14:15

This is called crazy making and it's an abuse technique. Please look it up.

disconnecteddrifter · 24/04/2022 14:20

Kids are 10 and 12. He thinks he was doing nothing wrong and he was justified because I was swearing and upset crying. We both own the house equally.
He refuses to accept the door incident was abusive. He came into the room to apologise for getting angry with me and I was upset so we swore at each other and I started crying. He kept opening thr door wide so I had to get out of bed to shut it. I did slam it. Three times. So he said he wanted to show the children he's done nothing wrong and it's all me. He hasnt been accused before as far as I know.
When I told him it felt like I was violated and it's really made me feel unsafe he said well we need to talk about what you did. Oh it's all my fault is it. Etc
I snuck out and am now at work I hate he does this because otherwise he is very supportive and will gaslight me until I think I was jn the wrong

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 24/04/2022 14:25

Do you have children together?

PortiaFimbriata · 24/04/2022 14:27

This is horrifying and abusive both of you and his DC.

Do his DC live with you full time? Because once you've got away yourself you might be able to think about whether there's anything to help them. But put your own oxygen mask on first.

disconnecteddrifter · 24/04/2022 14:30

Is it really that bad? I know I feel terrible and it's not the first time he's done the exact same thing. How do I get out? Where do I go? A hotel? What fan I do today?

OP posts:
Maydaysoonenough · 24/04/2022 14:35

See a solicitor and apply to court to force a sale. My exh never gave me privacy to manage periods... Even told me we were never close because I never let him change my sanpro... Fucking grim man.

LovePoppy · 24/04/2022 14:35

It’s really that bad.

do you have friends you can stay with?

please start quietly gathering your important papers

oviraptor21 · 24/04/2022 14:35

Yes it is that bad.
He is abusing you and his DC.

What is the situation with the house. Is it rented or owned?
Do you have anywhere to go to?

newbiename · 24/04/2022 15:24

It is really that bad. Do you have any family you can stay with.
How hideous for the kids as well , they must have been frightened.

AndAsIfByMagic · 24/04/2022 15:27

It is that bad, OP.

Get out.

fuckoffImcounting · 24/04/2022 15:44

He is horrible and abusive and this can't go on, it will affect your mental well being living like this. Imagine how he would grind you down if you stayed another year, another five years. Stop this now while you still have some strength.

disconnecteddrifter · 24/04/2022 16:35

He just texted why shouldn't he keep thr door open so I can't verbally abuse him and that I should learn to take an apology or he won't give me another. I have nowhere to go apart from a hotel which I csnt afford.

OP posts:
Rosez · 24/04/2022 16:36

disconnecteddrifter · 24/04/2022 16:35

He just texted why shouldn't he keep thr door open so I can't verbally abuse him and that I should learn to take an apology or he won't give me another. I have nowhere to go apart from a hotel which I csnt afford.

Do you have any friends close by? Literally any family members that can help?

I think if people knew you were in an abusive situation they would be more than happy to help!

This may be a step too far (that you may not be comfortable with) but how close are you to his family? Can they help remove him from the house if you truly have nowhere to go?

SweetSakura · 24/04/2022 16:50

He's a very nasty and abusive person. Please leave him.

(And I am not someone who says that lightly)