How do I leave?

[Lonleymum]

Where do I start? Our relationship went bad when my OH lost his job 14 years ago! Yes 14 years it’s been up and down.
So these are the few things that trigger and I need a way out.
He is manipulating and blames me and turns things when he:
Has an outburst, purposely winds me and the children up and if we fight back he get angry and then twists it and blames us.
we was out shopping yesterday and he spoke to rudely and barked at me infront of the assistant which was so degrading. He then thought it was ok to communicate with me and then stormed out the shop like a massive kid.
He talks over me, be littles me, blames me.
When he is nice he is really kind and big hearted hence why I am still here.
I work full time but during my time off is when the bickering and arguing starts as I get extremely annoyed at how he speaks to me.
I clearly asked what to make for food and when I suggested something he pulled a face the next day he asked for that food as I was only going to make enough for me an my daughter an he then started using words like “oh so I don’t matter”, then asking for food which takes lengthy amount of time to make.
I am due to start a new place of work and I was preparing my kids clothes and myself.
We are supposed to be in the process of moving but quite frankly I don’t think I can take the digs, comments, lies, accusations he keeps making.
When I kick off he records me as he is saying it is evidence to show whoever if we ever split up.
He has cohesive controlling behaviour manipulate behaviour.
he then twists things all the time towards me and thinks he’s in the right. I wish I had a camera to show him back his behaviour.

I need to get out but don’t know how. I have no one to talk to no one to turn to. Showing this behaviour in front of our kids it’s not how I want them to grow up.

He fell out with his own family cos they didn’t involve him and he wanted to be controlling that situation and he can’t see it. He definitely is on the spectrum or has some sort of ADHD cos he doesn’t stop speaking an mainly it’s a load of rubbish.

I am worried that leaving financially I won’t be able to cope. How do I make the break?
I can get a mortgage an move but what about my kids?

I honestly have had enough as he can’t see his behaviour. I am sad an sad seeing everyone else happy moving forward an we seem to be moving backwards. I just want a happy life, no shouting no arguing and the best for my kids.

thanks for reading. How do I leave?

What about calling a local domestic abuse helpline and asking about a place in a refuge and then apply for housing with your children?

Offer contact to your ex if that's safe for your children.

I really empathise. I was in a very similar situation after 23 years of marriage. I honestly felt I’d never manage on my own as ex controlled the finances and other admin and kept things from me. The hardest time is knowing you need to end the whole thing and not knowing how the hell to start or if you will ever be able to cope.

practically, if you tell your H you are divorcing him, what are your short and long term options for a home for you and your DC?

You can contact Womens aid for advice and support. You will absolutely be able to manage and I honestly think it gets to the point that you need to stop thinking and take action. Visit a lawyer and get things in process. It will be hard for the DC but it will really benefit them in the long term. Tell school so they’re aware.
Get paperwork a solicitor will need - ID, bank statements, passport, birth and marriage certs. You can do this. You and your DC deserve so much better.

I agree with searching for and contacting women’s organisations to get help. I also left after more than 20 years and needed practical help, because of financial and other difficulties.

I’m still adjusting, two years on, but my children are much happier and more settled, and there’s much better trust between them and me than there ever was when my ex was there undermining everything.

The wonderful women on this board will hopefully give you practical advice as well as psychological support through it all.

You’ve taken the first step in posting here. Good luck.

You are right and I have been in this position a few times but then think a broken family isn’t good for the kids.
I’m the one who earns more and I am the one who works more longer hours.

No appreciation is shown but I am looking at houses and they are so expensive even if we sold this and went halves there isn’t anything out there.
I will contact the domestic abuse but he think I am the one abusing him, hence when he records it’s shows me fighting for MJ self but I’m raging.
Manipulative behaviour. Definitely think he’s lost the plot ever since he’s lost his job as it was a highly paid one so it was like he lost his status and lost all his friends then family turned their backs on him.
My kids don’t need to see this.

He has the manipulative behaviour and part of that is turning it back on you.Abusers always do. My exh was an an alcoholic, I always had to drive wherever we went so didn’t drink. After one particular night when he’d been falling down drunk in front of his boss and his wife he swore blind I’d embarrassed him as I was drunk. Absolute tosh but he still thought he could twist the truth. They believe they can make anything you say or do sound bad. If you read out a shopping list he’d twist that to say you were taunting him with food. In a way this also shows they’re quite stupid and you can use this to your benefit.
A damaging home is far worse for children than a separated mum who provides a caring, safe, loving home. Your kids will be ok.
Your husband will try to make you believe you can’t cope without him —- you can.
Start by moving any money you can into an account of your own. Contact Women’s Aid for a chat, to help you clarify your thoughts.
You sound like you have a good job, can earn good money, that’s a huge advantage when going it alone.
And you will be happier.

Xpologog - that sounds like him but he doesn’t even drink. Imagine if he did!! I start my new job tomorrow an he said to me I will have to plan the food as you will be working and snarled like again it’s my fault. He works 3 hrs each day then is free from 12pm onwards. I leave at 7am don’t get back till 5pm but I’m going to purposely stay out tomorrow looking at ways out.
He constantly comments on my weight an I am not even that big well not as big as his sisters and mother.
He put us in financial debt an I have slowly got myself and him out of it over the past 7 years.
When I tell him this, he says I didn’t ask you too.
The rudeness, he can’t behave publicly without being a idiot it’s embarrassing.
i can have a joke an laugh but he’s suppressed my personality and my happiness.

A broken family is much, much better for the kids than staying. Generally, kids mimic as adults what they see their parents do. You are currently modelling 'Stay in a relationship, even if it's horrible'. You could be modelling 'Leave a relationship if it's horrible, even if it makes things tough for a bit, and find yourself a new, happy, fulfilling life.'

he think I am the one abusing him, hence when he records it’s shows me fighting for myself but I’m raging.

Anger is a natural reaction to being treated like this but he will use it against you, he'll use anything. They always turn things round - what they're doing to you they say you're doing to them. They all follow the same rule book.

There is no point in trying to get him to see his behaviour - he knows exactly what he's doing but he will not accept it, even with evidence, and will twist it to be your fault.

I can strongly recommend Women's Aid, you could also ask them for a solicitor recommendation who deals with this kind of abuse.

Good luck to you, it's awful what you're going through

Thank you so much for the reassuring words.
In my head this will be like a big step and whether I am brave enough to take that step.
I just have to reel off, like when I get my eyebrows done I’ll dye them myself he will look at me funny or comment when I dye my roots how old I am getting.
When I tell me mum she’s like that’s him showing his love. Your dad was the same but my dad was an abuser and use to physically and mentally torture her an she thinks this is normal.
Comments on clothes notices if I have a new top could be £3 makes comments.
He spends so much and doesn’t give me a penny. Promised all kinds and still waiting 15 years later. We would be married 18 years June.
I would say 3 of those years were great!
I paid for us to go away like lovely luxury holidays he can’t appreciate it, instead says “I didn’t ask you to do it”.
His mother is the weirdest person ever sitting on a load of money doesn’t help anyone but wants the world at her feet. She talks a load rubbish slowly he is moulding into her.
I have contacted women aid. I am waiting to see what next steps I need to break free.
I don’t have to live like this do I?

You’ve taken the first step. One step at a time now, just keep going.
Your mum’s attitude is so sad to hear —- you can tell how she’s been moulded by abuse. Stay strong, you can do this v

Thank you. Did I mention that he’s aggressive as well. The way he says things like it’s like he’s constantly angry. I don’t have time to be like this.
I honestly was this bubbly happy person and everyone loved being around me.
He’s definitely suppressed my personality, I’m also becoming withdrawn can’t be bothered meeting others.
I have been looking an there will be a light. I’m just so angry why I have let it get this way and angry that he thinks HE is the victim.
I can get a job abroad. I told him I’ll go an work whilst he stays an get the kids educated. His answer to that was he will sell everything an take the kids to a location I won’t find. Like always an horrible answer. He will ruin these kids futures. I can see it by making the most rational crazy decisions if I make the jump an leave.

I just need that back up and security. There are cheap houses by my work which would do for now.

In my head this will be like a big step and whether I am brave enough to take that step.

Its a huge step and 12 years on I still remember that huge fear of how to leave and if I could do it. Id wanted to for so long but just couldn’t take the leap. I asked my DB how he had got the courage up to leave his partner after 25 years and he said that he knew when the fear of staying was worse than the fear of leaving. I’ve always remembered that. My DD says she knew things were bad and wished I’d not stayed ‘for the sake of my children’. She is now an adult and we are now no contact and I believe that goes back to the resentment she has of me and her unhappy childhood. It’s the most heartbreaking consequence of the whole situation and put a huge blight on the happiness I have at being free of my ex. The drop in living standards and lack of choices I have due to having massively less money doesn’t bother me one bit. It’s totally worth it to not live with that bastard. It will be far better in the medium and long term for your DC to not have this daily tension from living with your H. You can do it. I hope your first day in your new job goes really well and it’s the beginning of a better future.

He definitely is on the spectrum or has some sort of ADHD cos he doesn’t stop speaking an mainly it’s a load of rubbish.

I'm sorry for your situation OP but this is unacceptable.

Oh god I wouldn’t have want no contact with my DC. Plus the fact my DD wouldn’t last very long, he has my DS wrapped around his manipulative finger but that’s cos he’s frightened of the guilt he will put on him. He honestly makes me sick. Think I have a duty of care for his mother who has been nothing but a selfish woman.
my concern is that I can move but then he won’t give me what I’m owed. I’ve seen the evil streak he has and will turn with a blink of a eye.
I’m waiting to hear what women aid suggest. I can’t bare the comments anymore.
i did something for charity a few weeks back and the questions that came with it, it was my decision to do it he had no involvement but again it’s that controlling behaviour. I tend not to tell him anything anymore.
He says I am rude and have no respect for him, I lost respect for him the day he started to make fun and belittle me in front of family. Once I said he had this controlling nature in front of my brother an he kicked off, shower his true colours. An truth hurts I would say!!

Me saying that he is on the spectrum or has ADHD is unacceptable?

I think the comment about it being unacceptable was about him talking non stop and most of what he says being rubbish. My ex was like that too so I sympathise. He couldn’t stay on one topic and would start talking about something completely unrelated to what he was just saying. It did my head in. It was just constant talking and most of it incomprehensible. It was like being driven mad listening to that. The more you say, the more it’s clear you need to get away from this relationship. It will be either more or the same or gradually worse (probably this). It’s no way to live. My only regret in life is that I wasted so many years on a man that wasn’t worth one year of my time. I’m in my 60s now and I feel so sad and angry at such waste and misery and my totally fucked up relationship with my DD. I’d hate anyone to look back and feel what I do. I hope you hear back from WA soon and can start getting ready to make this break. My ex was also threatening and his manipulation tripled when I started divorce proceedings. Lawyers and the courts are well used to manipulative abusive types. They will have seen whatever your H says a zillion times and know how to handle it.

You have "diagnosed" him with "definitely having ASD or ADHD" because he talks a lot and you think what he says is rubbish. You don't see how that's offensive?

Hun try living with him and you will understand. I work with autistic and ADHD people so I am well aware of their behaviours. I wouldn’t just throw that shout out.

Apologies, I wasn’t trying to offend anyone. I wasn’t thinking straight my head is all over the place at the minute in what and how I need to take action. Please forgive me if it came across offensive.

Lonleymum my ex had unmediated ADHD and especially when he was stressed or flustered couldn’t stay on one subject for more than a few sentences and what he said was just rambling. He couldn’t hold a conversation, just repeated a point over and over. It was exhausting and distressing to be on the receiving end of it, so I can empathise. I’m not surprised your head is all over the place. Once I left, I could feel my head gradually clearing once I wasn’t listening to my ex talking all day. Have you heard from WA yet? Hope you’re doing ok with your new job.

Thank you. As someone who is autistic and has ADHD, I appreciate the apology. We don't all "talk constantly" or "talk rubbish".

I hope you find some happiness. It sounds like you do need to leave.

Thank you. As someone who is autistic and has ADHD, I appreciate the apology. We don't all "talk constantly" or "talk rubbish".

I hope you find some happiness. It sounds like you do need to leave.

Thank you. As someone who is autistic and has ADHD, I appreciate the apology. We don't all "talk constantly" or "talk rubbish".

I hope you find some happiness. It sounds like you do need to leave.

Thank you. As someone who is autistic and has ADHD, I appreciate the apology. We don't all "talk constantly" or "talk rubbish".

I hope you find some happiness. It sounds like you do need to leave.

Thank you. As someone who is autistic and has ADHD, I appreciate the apology. We don't all "talk constantly" or "talk rubbish".

I hope you find some happiness. It sounds like you do need to leave.