I think DH wants to leave me. Terrified of 50/50 residency

[WestminsterCrabby]

I think my DH wants to separate. We haven't had 'the' conversation yet but we have had mini ones and he has made it quite clear that if it weren't for the fact that we have an 8 month old DD he wouldn't want to be with me anymore. And it shows, tbh. We are barely intimate. We argue frequently and he has a tendency to ignore me for days following a disagreement. He just doesn't act like he likes me at all let alone loves me. I think there is someone at work but we won't go into that because it's just an inkling, I have no proof. It just feels like it's all gearing up to end.

If he leaves me and goes for 50/50 residency of our DD it will absolutely break me in half. I'm tearing up right now even thinking of being away from her for half of her life. It hurts my heart. She is so tiny. I know that's what he will want though and he is a devoted and hands on dad, we share responsibilities very equally at the moment. He wont want to be an EOW dad.

What happens if I want to work on our marriage for the sake of DD and he doesn't? Is 50/50 the default position these days? I'm on mat leave at the moment but we both earn roughly the same and own everything jointly.

Sorry this is such a ramble, my head is a mess and I can't think straight.

How much of her care does he do currently?
if he wants to leave he’s free to do so and I’d say if things are that bad it wouldn’t be in your child’s best interests to prevent that

I don't think anyone would think 50-50 was the best for a child that age. I'd be as upset as you are. Are you still on maternity leave? If he had the baby half the week how would he go to work?

As for the other woman? I would trust my instincts on that one.

50/50 is the default but it would change based on the circumstances. If she's still breast-feeding, for example, there'd be a good argument to move away from that. Once she is older then definitely 50/50 would be the likely position though, if he pushes for it.

would the separation be acrimonious? He could spend time with her at the home & you could just leave him to it then she doesn’t need to be away from home overnight. Whilst she’s so young I don’t think 50/50 is realistic but once she’s 2 or 3 l think it absolutely would & should be. Your daughter is lucky that her father wants to be so involved as so often they miss out

He is very hands on, although he works so I do most of her day to day care. I'd imagine when I go back to work (the plan was for me to go back 4 days a week so only slightly part time) it would be a fairly even split though. I cant fault him on how much he does at all.

She was combi fed and I do still breastfeed sometimes for comfort but she is mostly on solids/formula now.

I'd hope the separation would be acrimonious. I'd have no desire to make it difficult or keep him from her. And I know staying together for the sake of the child isnt ideal but I just cant bear the idea of her not being there when I wake up half of the time. Missing out on literally half of her life because he has given up on our marriage. I'd rather try and salvage it if we can, we were always such a strong couple. Just feels like the decision is about to be taken out of my hands.

God I would love 50/50 my ex doesn’t bother with our children at all and doesn’t see them. I can understand why you wouldn’t at such a young age though but as you said he is a very hands on dad so why should he only see his child eow?

It sounds like you feel he has given up already and if that is the case then salvaging the marriage isn't feasible. But, and this is a big but, your DD is 8 months old. You were both working, now you're on mat leave. As a couple you have been through a lot over the last year, a lot of change, new demands. To be honest after my first DC I didn't know my arse from my elbow for a year and was in no position to make any major life changes. I'd be advocating for couples counselling in your position. Take this one step at a time. He's not a monster, you're not powerless and there is no simple script. Even if you do part ways if you work together you can find ways to make that the best for everyone. Take heart and don't panic. Also be kind to yourself. You are going through a lot and doing brilliantly by the sound of it.

I completely understand how you feel, I wouldn’t want to be away from my children at such a young age & if he is a decent man than I would assume he would feel the same. I would have thought it really needs to be a gradual thing if you do indeed separate then building up to 50/50 ensuring ultimately that your daughter is settled in any arrangement. I do hope that you end up resolving any problems and stay together and if that’s not possible I hope it doesn’t turn nasty as speaking from experience involving the courts in child arrangements is so traumatic for all parties

@Thewolvesarerunningagain you are completely right, it has been our hardest year as a couple really. Little sleep although its gotten a lot better but still nowhere near as much time together as we used to. And things have been financially a lot tighter which hasn't helped. I just kind of assumed we would get through it all and be stronger for it but it all seems to have created this chasm between us that keeps widening and widening. He is no monster and nor am I, my own father was an EOW Dad and I know he resented my mum for it and I did too, I'd hate for that to repeat itself with us.

He has barely spoken to me now for 24 hours. Usually when he does this I end up trying to coax him out of his mood but I just don't feel like I have the energy. I don't even feel like I want to talk to him, he doesn't feel like the person I used to know. I married this wonderful kind man who loved me to pieces but I'm living with this stranger who just seems to find me a massive inconvenience.

Couples counselling would be a stretch financially but cheaper than divorce I suppose.

Just feels all so shit.

I’m sorry this is happening, OP. Your instincts are probably correct that there is another woman, so I personally would stick around for that kind of marriage - it will eat you from the inside out.

The other woman thing is just an uneasy feeling.

He has this colleague at work. Shes really nice, I've met her a few times. When he works from home he speaks to her on the phone often and they are super friendly. Shes just bought her own flat and hes bought her really thoughtful, personalised housewarming gifts. They arrived the weekend of my birthday, which he barely did anything for and I chose my own present so it stung quite a bit. He didn't try and hide them or anything which is why I shrugged it off. I also saw him delete a photo from his FB messenger app that looked like topless mirror selfie (of him). So it had obviously been sent to someone although I cant prove who. That's the only two things though really. He just seems to be really close with her. It could be nothing.

Trust your gut with the other woman thing, its rarely ever wrong.

Having a baby is so hard on a relationship but it usually gets better as they get older but it won't if he's busying himself with someone else and not focusing on you.

He won't get 50/50 care whilst you are still breastfeeding.

I split up with my now dh when our eldest was 1. He took her one night during the week and one week hed take her Friday, Saturday night then the next week Sunday Monday night. I quickly got use to it and enjoyed some time to myself for self care, sorting the house, going and seeing friends etc, dating.

The anxiety this must be giving you not knowing is likely worse than just having an honest chat and putting your cards on the table.

There is no point staying in an unhappy relationship where he grey rocks you frequently, treats you like shit and there is no intimacy. That isn't beneficial to your daughter being brought up around and unhealthy relationship. You deserve better.

Extended breastfeeding is your friend here. Mine left when DS was 9 months: never had him overnight (DS now 18 months he

*18 months).

Trust your gut about the other woman. I could've written your posts last year.

If he is working full time and there is possibly another woman on the horizon, sorry it sounds like there might be, he may not want 50 50 .So try not to worry about that . Sounds like you need a weekend away on your own and some serious talking .

It doesnt sound very promising to me. So you need to make sure that if he wants 50:50 that he really does 50:50.

I would return to work earlier - 4 days if you can independently financially manage that. And I would be very clear from now on that if the father is responsible for the child on certain days that he manages that time. So for example, if child is ill he deals with it.

The worst scenario for you is that he convinces a court that 50:50 is the arrangement = so no child maintence payable - then he does nothing.

This is such a tough situation. I really feel for you OP. The thing is, is your husband may feel the same way about missing half your baby's life.

OTOH - if your instincts about the other woman a correct, he might be happier with less than 50%.

You need to know either way. Limping along trying to save it will be fruitless if he isn't on board .

I'm in the same position but kids are older.

Cannot BEAR the thought of only seeing them half the time. And the thought of some other woman spending time with my kids? As you say, op, breaks my heart.

Also, we'd lose the house etc, split assets.

Urgh so tough

Why don’t you have a conversation together. Somewhere away from home and ideally with someone else looking after your baby.
or some marriage therapy.
I hope it works out for you.

Although I agree that you should trust your instincts please don’t jump to conclusions about another woman especially as you don’t have solid evidence, men are generally crap at lying so women usually know for sure although it’s easier to believe he’s having an affair than he would rather be single than with you, I really feel for you

Completely agree with this regarding other woman, no way he will want 50/50 if another woman is involved

I meant agree with GADDay (sorry new to this)

I've been there op there was another woman ex left me 3 weeks after ds birthday. It will get better even if you don't think you will. One step at a time your heart will heal. I'm now married with more dc been with dh 12 years its like a distance memory albeit a hardest time in my life.

It sounds like your gut might be right and he doesn’t want to be the bad guy and leave. Maybe he’s waiting till things are more solid with his colleague because buying your colleague a super thoughtful housewarming gift and barely bothering about your wife’s birthday doesn’t sound brilliant.

Personally I would prepare for the worst in terms of going back to work so returning FT. After this, I’d think about conversation with him and asking what’s going on. I don’t imagine sharing custody would be easy but the way things are in your relationship could end up eroding your self esteem. I hope it all works out.

You haven't faced it yet, but from what you have said, the signs are there about OW. For a start, your DH is behaving differently, he's said he doesn't want to be with you (because he wants to be with someone else). What is it you argue over? Do you get a sense he's spoiling for them on purpose, as a way to give him a reason to leave other than there being the OW?He is ignoring you, whilst buying her presents. Sending her topless photos - classy, what more do you need?
I think you need to find your anger a bit more on this one, or at least try asking him directly if he wants to be with her? ( that is stopping short of accusing of a current affair before he gets all defensive).
I think you may well find that currently as things are, you can't save it, because he doesn't want to, so it's out of your hands. Your best chance of a change in attitude from him is to tell him to leave. Only after he has left could he realise what he has done, unless he goes straight to her - more fool her if she wants someone who will do that to another woman.