Husband says he's lonely and its my fault

[Betteroffbymyself88]

Background
Been with DH 18 years. 2 DC (7 and 10 months) both work full time. I work office hours on a hybrid basis (2 days in the office, 3 days at home) dh works shifts out of the house, including lots of nights.

The last years have been hard with a young children, the pandemic, family stuff etc

I have a habit of getting attached to work as I like the structure and routine it gives a day, but i always finish at 5 so I get the evening with dh and dc and if need be log back on later.

Dh finished a block a night shifts Friday morning. In the afternoon he was sat downstairs while I was sat in the space we have for an office (just off the living room) but needed the 2 screens to do my work. He now claims that as we hadn't seen each other I should have come and sat with him with the laptop so we could spend some time together.

Yesterday morning we seemed to be snapping at each other. Just everything one of us said to the other set the other off. We're both tired as i'm still up in the night with the youngest etc. He went off to a football match and i took the dc shopping.

he ended up staying out until 3am this morning. Came home and told me how unhappy he is. How he feels lonely as I don't make an effort and that I he was out with other people who had normal relationships and we don't

We have limited support and no one who we can leave the dc with so one of us has to stay at home. Usually me as I have less hobbies and friends than he does.

Admittedly I probably don't make as much of an effort as I should but thats because there is always stuff to do. If I sit down in the evening instead of tidying up, he then moans aboutbhow untidy the house is and it's setting off his OCD, but then I tidy and then go to bed he moans we don't get time together.

All of this on top of my dad being ill in hospital and not once has dh offered to stay at home with dc or put them to bed so I can go and see him.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Suggest he does half the tidying so you can spend more time together.

Tell him to have the kids so you can visit his dad.

suggest instead of him going out you do something together in that time (both cook a nice meal together - ie not you cooking it).

He is blaming you but he can free up your time.

If you worked shifts you would do the housework because it’s easier due to your shift work as the kids aren’t in and you can just whizz round after your shift to get things done. . If you work 9-5 it’s easier because you don’t work shifts and your not as tired.

it’s always easier for the woman for some reason!

You’re

What does he expect with young children. Tell him to shut up and pull his finger out.

If you were in the office 5 days a week you wouldn’t have been there with him anyway.
He sounds like a whiney baby. I hope your ducks are lined up.

Nailed it.

I am so sick of reading about all these shit men

Yes, it sounds like he’s not doing his fair share of parenting and domestic work, AND expecting your attention and availability.

Some of the things he’s saying sound like ‘the script’ for checking out of the relationship.

He's an arsehole

Eg it sounds like he has way more leisure time than you do - unfair

You were at work and he complained you weren’t entertaining him when he came in from his work?

And he wants you to both be his evening entertainment and be the housekeeper?

even worse he won’t look after his own children so you can see your unwell father?

he sounds like he needs to sort his attitude out.

I would have been tempted to tell him that he could achieve this ‘normal couple’ ideal by 1. Changing jobs so that his hours align with yours and family life generally (you can both work 9-5), 2. Taking on half of the housework and doing it alongside you before settling down together for the evening, and 3. Piling his weight with the children.

somehow I don’t think he sees any need for him to change.

Shift work can have such a big impact on how much quality time a couple spends together as it puts you each on differing mindsets for the same time of day. The Friday example shows this well, he had finished work, presumably slept and in the afternoon was up and in a weekend mindset where he wanted fun and connection. You sounds like you were still in work hours and probably in the Friday afternoon surge where you want to get quite a few things done so that you can go into the weekend with less on your mind. Neither of you are in thw wrong, just mismatched mindsets. It really frustrating, my husband works shifts and we have to work hard at acknowledging the mismatch and finding ways to make them workable. I get home at 4, this is just an hour after my husband wakes up fro. A night shift, I'm full of energy, ready to get lots of fun and productive things done, he is blurry eyed and probably still in the shower. We both used to get annoyed at the point. But after just discussing and acknowledging the difference, we both do our best to meet the other in the middle. Or simply agree to leave each other alone.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that shift work can be really lonely for both parties but having a good chat about it and agreeing some changes should help.

I don't like that he said being lonely is your fault, that's unkind and unfair, he is lonely because of the situation. I'd be quite firm on that. But I wouldn't discard the underlying message that he seems to be missing you, that's positive surely? Do you miss him?

he ended up staying out until 3am this morning. Came home and told me how unhappy he is. How he feels lonely as I don't make an effort and that I he was out with other people who had normal relationships and we don't

Do all those people in "normal relationships" have a new baby, another child, a full time job, family in hospital, not much support and a husband with OCD?

I disagree with him saying you make no effort. Sounds like you're making a massive effort to keep the family going.

Also what treatment is he getting for OCD?

Sorry to pry but, when was the last time you were intimate?
Did he mention that at all and could that be part of what he's getting at in a stunted kak handed male way ?

You have to work, you knocked off/logged out at 5. Seems normal to me, and he cares about "normal".

Despite keeping normal family friendly hours and no doubt managing the childcare arrangements and the bulk of the household chores (?) he wants you to make him feeeeeel differently.

How tedious.

How is your relationship ?
This is a big jump, but I’m wondering if he’s starting to put the blame on you as an excuse to end it.

Yep. He’s a fucking baby. And it’s all about him.

he seems to be labouring under the misapprehension that it’s you who should be changing things / doing more to make his life better.

He doesn’t see that it’s his job too. Selfish twat. There‘s so many of them about.

There's a chance he's laying the groundwork for buggering off, frankly.

Man baby!

When he came home from work he should have been doing the housework. Lazy arse. Who the fuck does he think he is?

op, youve clearly zero expectations of him and he has less if himself.

you can tell him after thinking about
how lonely he is, youve realised the lack of time you have is because of how unsupportive he is. Moving forward so you are both happier, he needs to be doing bedtime routine when he is home for it, all meals when he is home for them, this includes the washing up (people with the rule you cook ill clean are mad), washing, organising the drying of clothes, And he does all parenting the night a week you go ANYWHERE to do ANYTHING, Etc etc

my first thought was this. He is having an affair, came home at 3am after shagging someone and had to deflect and rewrite your relationship.

Right. So. You both work full time. But you also do the housework and childcare. He does hobbies and goes out with friends. And yet, you're both blaming you for this. Um. He's an arsehole - a lazy, sexist, unkind, entitled, selfish twat. Op, I'm on round two now with very good boundaries in place - I wouldn't be tolerating this, let alone be the one trying to fix it.

Op, the equivalent of what he did with the lap top is to walk in to his place of work one time and demand that he entertain you. Absurd? Yup.

If the place is newsy, why doesn't he tidy it?

Also, as someone who had ocd in my teens, I'd probably have to have got up and dealt with the stressor myself.

Either way, you're not his skivy. Tell him if something doesn't suit his exacting standards then he can get off his arse and do it himself because it isn't 1950s and men should be doing an equal share of housework.

Tbh though it sounds like he is a selfish git who thinks your main job us to fulfil all his needs and whims. When did he last offer to take the kids out or stay home with them and let you have a night out or to yourself?

The world doesn't remove