Husband says he's lonely and its my fault

[Betteroffbymyself88]

Background
Been with DH 18 years. 2 DC (7 and 10 months) both work full time. I work office hours on a hybrid basis (2 days in the office, 3 days at home) dh works shifts out of the house, including lots of nights.

The last years have been hard with a young children, the pandemic, family stuff etc

I have a habit of getting attached to work as I like the structure and routine it gives a day, but i always finish at 5 so I get the evening with dh and dc and if need be log back on later.

Dh finished a block a night shifts Friday morning. In the afternoon he was sat downstairs while I was sat in the space we have for an office (just off the living room) but needed the 2 screens to do my work. He now claims that as we hadn't seen each other I should have come and sat with him with the laptop so we could spend some time together.

Yesterday morning we seemed to be snapping at each other. Just everything one of us said to the other set the other off. We're both tired as i'm still up in the night with the youngest etc. He went off to a football match and i took the dc shopping.

he ended up staying out until 3am this morning. Came home and told me how unhappy he is. How he feels lonely as I don't make an effort and that I he was out with other people who had normal relationships and we don't

We have limited support and no one who we can leave the dc with so one of us has to stay at home. Usually me as I have less hobbies and friends than he does.

Admittedly I probably don't make as much of an effort as I should but thats because there is always stuff to do. If I sit down in the evening instead of tidying up, he then moans aboutbhow untidy the house is and it's setting off his OCD, but then I tidy and then go to bed he moans we don't get time together.

All of this on top of my dad being ill in hospital and not once has dh offered to stay at home with dc or put them to bed so I can go and see him.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Posted too soon

The world doesn't revolve around him.
And if he hasn't learned that by now, he never will. I think I'd maybe get out, life's too short.

A few things are jumping out there

1- if you are working, albeit at home, you are working.
He can’t expect you to join him, and entertain him/spend time with him. That’s not working
2- if he has OCD about tidying up, he needs to tidy up!! It’s him that is getting triggered and uncomfortable about it
3- if he thinks you are not spending enough time together, then he needs to organise something. Going out to spend his evening with friends doesn’t help.

Also interesting to see that you are mentioning that you are ‘attached to your job’ when you seem to just be doing your job and balancing that with family life as much as you can. Why are you putting yourself down?
And you are mentioning that you are not doing enough to spend time with your DH. Why is it your responsibility only and not his too?

Basically it sounds like he wants things to be better but also expect you to sort things out for him so he doesn’t feel lonely.
Thats not how it works!!

Another way to put it.
He is an entitled prick.

Thank you for all the replies, lots to take on board

Had it out with him earlier and it basically stems down to we're not intimate enough. And when we are it rushed etc. He says we get the house to ourselves a lot during the day (when I'm working!) And should be making the most of it. Tried to explain that I'm working and he said that everyone takes time out of the day and doesn't work their proper hours.

I tried to say if he spoke to me better and actually helped then maybe I would be more inclined to want to spend time with him, he just argued back and wouldn't listen.

I give up

one of us has to stay at home. Usually me as I have less hobbies and friends than he does.
But he's the one who feels lonely?

he said that everyone takes time out of the day and doesn't work their proper hours.
(a) that is not remotely true and (b) how the hell would he know? He doesn't work from home.

I assume he shut the conversation down before you got a chance to say you need time to visit your dad in hospital, you need time when you're not tidying (for the benefit of his alleged OCD?), you need time to rest because you're up at night with a baby, you need time to yourself and maybe after all that time you'll also have more time for sex.

So yet again it’s your fault. He needs to grow up or jog on.

So he wants more sex? Men like him can never figure out how bloody unattractive they are when they behave like he is.

Your username is very apt. Sorry OP

It’s not ‘helping’, it’s simply basic functioning as an adult.
he needs to have a vasectomy since he can’t cope with the kids he’s already made, is failing as a husband and adult. Who’d want to fuck a deadbeat?
aim for better in life.

Same old shit. Always your fault. Never his. Zero self awareness. If you possibly can op, I'd make plans to leave. He won't get any less selfish. My own experience is that I'm far happier alone, (of course that depends on circumstances though).

Don’t let him being a needy baby get in the way of any time you can have with your dad first and foremost. I would thank him for drawing attention to how unfair the split in responsibilities around the house and kids are and insist he pull his weight. Then I would say maybe we will be happier if I am not juggling it all!!! Op, don’t take that crap another minute seriously.

"Tried to explain that I'm working and he said that everyone takes time out of the day and doesn't work their proper hours." Tell him if thats the case he should come home from his shift early in the evenings then.

Oh wait - its another case of it's always for the woman to do isn't it. What does a silly woman want with a career anyway.

Basically he knows very well that outside work hours, if he wants more sex, he’ll have to step up. He’ll have to give up some hobby time. And he doesn’t want to.

So the best answer is obviously for you to pretend to be at work and have sex with him instead .