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Original poster

My husband went away . Angry ! Unjustly?

37 replies

Madderthanamadting · 24/04/2022 06:33

We have been together 22 years married for 3 years.
two children aged 15 and 7 .
15 year old is really tricky , mental health problems , overdose , running away , risky . Being supported by gp and school .

my dh had been working from home since pandemic , previously to this he had a job that involved nights away in week and some travel . This is just returning to pre pandemic level and I have no problem with this .

I gave up a stressful job in 2017 but not well paid to care for children so my husband could further his career and stop the battle over child care , we have no wider family support . He is generous with his money but I manage it all and we are often in overdraft as he doesn’t check accounts .

the problem now is my health is not great , I am waiting for a second hip replacement and walking is painful . I do it for shopping children etc but pleasure in walking is gone
I used to go to the gym but that is now not advised but impossible anyway . I have good friends I can talk to but not join them on activities because of my pain .

Despite this my dh booked himself an activity holiday away for a month and he has just returned .

While he was away the elder Dd was her usual messy self but also had a health scare which we are still awaiting result from . To say it’s been stressful is an understatement. Friends have said to me I don’t know how you are still standing up
. but you do don’t you !

my problem now is I’m so angry
angry at my failing health
angry at my Dd even though I know she is struggling too
but mostly angry at my husband who I feel has ignored his responsibilities by going away at this time .

Aibu ?

OP posts:
pog100 · 24/04/2022 07:15

A month?? I can see he might justifiably go away for a few days on his own, now your mobility is reduced but only in return for giving you a break and not for so long. I understand your anger

KangarooKenny · 24/04/2022 07:18

A holiday for a month ?He is taking the piss.
Do you have any reason to suspect he’s having an affair ?

MintyMoocow · 24/04/2022 07:20

This wouldn’t bother me. Everyone deserves a break and your kids are old enough to step up.
Having said that, if you are really upset the time to have spoken up was before he went.
Also, do you get a month to yourself at some time in the future now?

over2021 · 24/04/2022 07:21

A month is taking the piss however I wonder if your DH needs a break? Your post seems like you're angry at him because he works and you're shouldering the burden of a difficult family life though it sounds as though you made that decision as a family.

I don't understand what you mean by you manage the money but you're always in the overdraft which is his fault? If you manage the money; you manage the money!

toomuchlaundry · 24/04/2022 07:24

How many people go away for a month, unless they are possibly visiting family abroad? Not an activity holiday,
especially when there are health concerns for members of his family.

Original poster
Madderthanamadting · 24/04/2022 07:31

Def not having an affair , I saw photos of his travels that he sent regularly

perhaps I should say watch the money , it’s hard manage the money when he doesn’t check the accounts and takes out for bits here and there

yes we made the decision as a family before my health declined . I love being a mum even to the tricky teenager but my health puts a strain on me .

yes he said he needed this time because of the pandemic

no I don’t have anything booked because it’s difficult pairing up with friends when I can’t do much . I do meet friends for coffee and chats , cinema , but weekend , or month long breaks are out of the question

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 24/04/2022 07:35

Did you discuss the break before he booked it? Presumably you did. If you did and ok’d it you can’t then be angry because things went wrong when he was away.

If you didn’t agree it and he just disappeared I can understand the annoyance.

BadNomad · 24/04/2022 07:37

Did he discuss this month-long break from family life with you before he arranged it?

DollyPartBaked · 24/04/2022 07:44

If you agreed the holiday it's unfair to be angry about it afterwards.

Spudlet · 24/04/2022 07:48

I think you can feel however you like, but if you had a discussion (a proper one where both of you made a mutual decision and not one where you felt unable to say no) it would be unfair to unleash that on him. However you could have a chat and say that while you had genuinely thought it would be ok for him to be away that long, actually you really struggled because of x, y and z, and you’d rather that he didn’t go away for so long again for the foreseeable. If he’s a decent person, he’ll take that onboard.

I wonder if you had that pre trip discussion though… as you refer to him being generous with ‘his’ money, when you are a SAHM. Its not ‘his’ money, it’s family money - you are making your contribution to the family by taking on all the home stuff so he can further his career. You should still have an equal say to him. If he’s using your SAHM status against you, no matter how ‘nice’ a guy he may seem - you have a problem.

Herejustforthisone · 24/04/2022 08:07

I truly think he’s a selfish prick for pissing off for a MONTH of fun on his own.

has his family had a holiday? Has his family had a break? Or does he think only he counts as he is the ‘important working man’? Un-fucking-believable.

RebeccaCloud9 · 24/04/2022 08:12

A MONTH?! Holy crap. I don't have major health issues or the difficulties with kids you are dealing with, and NO WAY would my DH go away that long. A weekend is totally fine. A week would be a push, and a discussion. But a month?! No flipping chance. And I would never suggest it for me either.

You are right to feel angry, but it's done now. So is he working overtime at home to take the pressure off you? If not, that is a major problem.

Divebar2021 · 24/04/2022 08:22

I agree a month is a ridiculous amount of time unless some extraordinary “once in a lifetime” situation. Presumably though there is a time limit on your own health difficulties and once your hip replacement is done they will be resolved. My mum had her hip replaced and she was immediately out of pain and more mobile. What’s the timescales for your operation?

Original poster
Madderthanamadting · 24/04/2022 09:10

We did discuss but he was determined , came up with every reason that he was doing this

my hip replacement was due but has been put off till oct partly because of him
going away . I know it will be fine as it’s my second replacement and I can’t wait to get my active life back because I really feel like I’m being left alone and struggling while he gets on with his life . And he just doesn’t get it !

yes it is our money , he doesn’t hold back anything I want it’s just I check we have it before we spend it whereas his attitude is I I earn I want .

he paid for me and children to go away last oct something I feel he used against me my hip was not so bad and he had to work . But I would never and have never left them for more than two nights .

the upshot now is that he’s come back and I can barely stand to be in the same room let alone show enthusiasm for his fantastic time away .

he has said he won’t do it again but I’m not so sure . I think family life bores him tbh

OP posts:
cardboardbox24 · 24/04/2022 09:14

Book your own trip for after your hip replacement! You don't have to go alone if you want to- maybe an Interepid-type group trip?

Ivegotalovelybunch · 24/04/2022 09:21

You’ve ended up as your families support human. Lovely for them but draining for you. Have a rethink, tell him that the current set up isn’t working. Get a job, something that gets your out the house and fulfills you outside of your family.

Spudlet · 24/04/2022 09:49

Yeah, I'd say you have a DH problem. I'd have a serious think about whether being a SAHM is sensible in your circumstances as it appears that your 'D'H sees you as very much the junior partner - as someone who was also a SAHM until very recently, I don't think that's good. You say that it's both your money but then you talk about him paying for you and the children to go away - no, it's family money. He doesn't give you pocket money for little treats or generously offer trips away, he's not Lady Bountiful, and you aren't an employee or a charity case that he's kindly supporting. He can go and do his work travel and his late finishes and whatever he needs to do because you are at home, picking up the slack, so he never has to think about who's going to do the school run, or book the medical appointments, or pick up the food shop - without you, he wouldn't be able to just put himself and his job first. You are a team, with different but equal roles. If one half of the team stops pulling for the other, you're not going to work well.

I don't think this is about his jolly - although I think pissing off for a month is a massive pisstake with a still fairly young child, another with some serious-sounding issues, and you not well. It's about you not working as a team because he - and maybe you - don't see it that you're equals. You aren't his subordinate. He is not the boss.

I'd think really, really hard about getting back into work of some kind.

Spudlet · 24/04/2022 09:51

We did discuss but he was determined , came up with every reason that he was doing this

That's not a discussion then, that's him browbeating you into agreeing.

Doingmybest12 · 24/04/2022 09:56

A month when you have dependent children, health issues going on and financial worries is really thoughtless and uncaring and I am not surprised you are angry. I was going to qualify this with trip of a lifetime stuff but actually unless he was visiting a dying close relative I can't see why he would think this was OK. It is up to you if you can get over this .

frozendaisy · 24/04/2022 11:13

Of everything written what I don't get is why he didn't postpone his month away so you could have your operation, recover, then he could have gone with you fully functional.
That would be the bit I would be most irate about.

ShammyJammy · 24/04/2022 11:23

I will never understand this. If my dh fucked off for a month because he needed a break, I'd pack his books for good.

A few nights, maybe a week, sure. But to run away for a month and leave it all up to the other parent is frankly a shit thing to do.

But then my dh would never do this so it's not something I'd have to seriously consider.

Sswhinesthebest · 24/04/2022 11:30

Did he know you’d have to postpone your op, before he booked it op?

Like everyone else I’m shocked at the month bit! And it wasn’t a discussion. He wore you down!

noirchatsdeux · 24/04/2022 11:31

My father pissed off for a month long holiday when my older brother turned 11 (I was 10, younger brother 7). My father had just turned 30.

It was the beginning of the end of us as a family unit. Like your husband, my father was 'bored' with family life, with being a parent. That month away reminded him of what he probably felt like he'd missed - single life as a young man. He'd never actually wanted to be a father in the first place, my mother had got pregnant less than 6 months into their relationship, and back in the late 60s - particularly as my mother is Catholic - that meant you 'had' to get married.

Within a year of his holiday he'd found a job abroad and from that time on, until he left my mother for another woman when I was 21, he lived as if he was a childfree single man.

Aprilx · 24/04/2022 13:03

Even without any issues with children and poor health, I would be pretty gobsmacked if my husband decided to go on a one month holiday without me. And we are not inseparable, I am going away next month without him, we have both travelled for work for a week or more at a time. But a month is a bit much, that is most people’s full annual leave allowance.

One thing I would say, I do not understand why you are blaming him for an overdraft if you are responsible for managing money. That is on you. But the rest, no I would not have that.

me4real · 24/04/2022 13:19

A month? Shock