My husband went away . Angry ! Unjustly?

[Madderthanamadting]

We have been together 22 years married for 3 years.
two children aged 15 and 7 .
15 year old is really tricky , mental health problems , overdose , running away , risky . Being supported by gp and school .

my dh had been working from home since pandemic , previously to this he had a job that involved nights away in week and some travel . This is just returning to pre pandemic level and I have no problem with this .

I gave up a stressful job in 2017 but not well paid to care for children so my husband could further his career and stop the battle over child care , we have no wider family support . He is generous with his money but I manage it all and we are often in overdraft as he doesn’t check accounts .

the problem now is my health is not great , I am waiting for a second hip replacement and walking is painful . I do it for shopping children etc but pleasure in walking is gone
I used to go to the gym but that is now not advised but impossible anyway . I have good friends I can talk to but not join them on activities because of my pain .

Despite this my dh booked himself an activity holiday away for a month and he has just returned .

While he was away the elder Dd was her usual messy self but also had a health scare which we are still awaiting result from . To say it’s been stressful is an understatement. Friends have said to me I don’t know how you are still standing up
. but you do don’t you !

my problem now is I’m so angry
angry at my failing health
angry at my Dd even though I know she is struggling too
but mostly angry at my husband who I feel has ignored his responsibilities by going away at this time .

Aibu ?

Go away for a month yourself and spend an equal amount of money.

This all sounds very difficult. You almost all seem to be living in a house together but equally a million miles apart in terms of getting your emotional needs met together as a unit.

Why is your DD so unhappy? What is at the root of her problems? Why is your husband ignoring as you quite rightly say his responsibility as a parent? How are you being left to deal with all of this on top of your physical issues? It all feels like there are bigger issues at play. That there is a complete lack of emotional needs being met in the family unit across the board for some reason and your husband’s answer to this is to reclaim his prechild era. I think your whole family unit needs family therapy to support you through this. It sounds like you are close to breaking point trying to carry this on your own.

Going away and staying away when your eldest is having serious mental health issues is unacceptable. The moment he found out, he should have been back. He also should not have gone if you are having physical difficulty with your hip.

And of course his self-indulgent trip for himself meant your op had to be postponed by six months.

What an absolute prince. Sorry cunt, I meant cunt.

using what money and with the OP's health issues?

Why do you thing Tit-for-Tat is the answer?

If her OH can go away for a month then so can she. Then it's fair and equal.

If OP can't or doesn't want to then that's another matter. But then health issues don't necessarily mean that she can't go away.

It sounds like she needs a break!!

But then health issues don't necessarily mean that she can't go away.

@D0lphine Needing a hip replacement can make even short trips very painful. Travelling in a bus or train for instance can have a vibration which is excruciating.

OP might enjoy it more when she's recovered from her OP and can get around more comfortably.

Even basic things like making a cup of tea are a major endeavour depending how severe someone's mobility/pain issue is.

But I agree you deserve a break sooner or later if you want one @Madderthanamadting . The best break might be to no longer have to put up with being with your husband though. He sounds like a knobhead.

I am gobsmacked that you postponed your op for him to go on a holiday? and are in extra pain and suffering mobility issues because of it and he thinks it´s ok to bugger off for a month? I am sorry. Both my husband and I have travelled away from each other, for some days, in his case up to a week, but I wasn´t ill and neither was he. You have a DH problem that needs addressing. That was a shit thing to do.

Thanks for all the replies .
my comments about overdraft is due to my husband taking money out which he is ofc entitled to do without looking at account and what is available to spend . So I can’t be responsible for that .

i didn’t cancel hip op appointment just for him . It’s scheduled for oct and a cancellation came up two weeks before he went but I also chose to wait till autumn so recovery won’t be in school summer break .
urs walking standing is becoming increasingly painful but not at intolerable level . I’m managing but limited at the moment .
yes I think he’s been a shit and he knows it and I’m not in the mood to forgive

You are quite wrong to be angry, you ought to have been livid and not accepted a month long holiday in the first place.

If my dh did this there would be divorce papers waiting to be signed on his return.

I was a bit on the fence until I read that your hip replacement had to be out off, in part because of his trip.
I am outraged for you.
I have lived with chronic pain and it is exhausting.
He put his wants before your medical needs.
Arsehole 😡

I'm shocked that a father of dependent children (one of whom has some extra issues right now) and a wife who is in constant pain thinks it's OK to go away, for fun, for a month. That a man would want to leave his wife and children for a month, even if they could cope absolutely fine.

And if he insists that he needs it so that's OK, will he accept you deserve it too?

I'd be offended of my DH arranged to go away with his mates for a month, and I don't have depenedent children or health issues. No problem with week ends away etc, but a month??!!