Issues with family and accusations about my behaviour

[EL8888]

Relationship with Auntie Janet (not her real name!) have been tricky for a long time. Today l get informed she isn’t coming to a family event as “Elle is going and she always ignores me”. l then get the whole “you need to make more effort” routine. She’s the type where you need to ring her, talk about her, go to see her. She doesn’t appear to think she needs to make any effort to anyone else but everyone needs to rally round her

Today is a family members birthday and a family lunch planned so it was all rather awkward. Especially since it’s the first l had heard of it. Last Christmas then l blanked her constantly according to her, no one else present at Christmas can remember this. My partner and mother said they remember me talking to her and her talking back. I don’t remember anything out of the ordinary and it being a fairly standard Christmas? For Auntie Janet’s last big birthday there was a family walk and a nice evening meal out that l attended. She now claims l ignored her all day and didn’t speak to her (l walked too fast that day apparently was another complaint?!). Again everyone present said they don’t recall any of this. My take on it was l made a lot of effort to be there and remember no issues on the day (despite short notice given, prior work commitments l had to re-arrange and a tricky location l had to get to).

This hasn’t come from Auntie Janet, it’s come from another family member. Im convinced family member isn’t exaggerating or stirring, l have always found them to be honest and l can’t see what their angle would be. They typically want a quiet life and everyone to get on to be honest.

I’m not sure of what to do next. My instinct is to draw a line in the sand and going very LC. Wider family think we need to “sort it out”, “try harder to get on”. Despite the fact she’s high maintenance and hard work which they all also openly acknowledge. But l don’t see the need to feed into it all? Or apologise for something l didn’t do and no one else thinks l did (apart from her!)

I can sympathise, it sounds like there are lots of red flags for controlling and coercive behaviour coming from Auntie Janet.

In my experience family members can often want you to accommodate the person's toxic behaviour, instead of supporting your decision not to. Possibly because they don't want to question their own role in enabling that behaviour?

But if you don't want to feed into it, you don't have to. Life's too short to pander to emotional vampires. It can be hard work as 🙄

...stupid phone posted before I finished 😅meant to say...it can be hard when family members challenge you all the time about it, but ultimately you need to look after yourself 😊

How old is Auntie Janet?

I would start mentioning that her memory is failing her as all your immediate family all recollect something completely different.

How ild is Auntie? Could dementia be setting in
Do you trust the family membervwho is relaying the concern? Can you tell them what you've told us, and then have a "what is actually going on with auntie" conversation?

@Fe345fleur spot on. She has major form for wanting things her way, there’s been a fair amount of enabling from other family members. I haven’t seen this level of paranoia from her before though

@RandomMess in her 60’s

Its tempting! It’s interesting these events happened but no other people present can remember them apart from her

I would say 99% sure it’s not. Lots of highly strung hysteria and now paranoia but no actual dementia symptoms

Janet seems to be narcissistic in terms of personality. It’s not your fault she is the ways she is and you did not make her that way

The person who told you this about Janet is a flying monkey and such types have their own agenda. You yourself said it, they want a quiet life and for everyone to get along. This FM does not have your interests at heart so their opinion should be ignored,

@AttilaTheMeerkat the flying monkey thing did go through my mind funnily enough.

Its interesting you talk about “fault”. Another revelation that came out yesterday, was 10 years ago at our mutual relatives last big birthday. Then Auntie Janet was in a bad mood, lurked in a different room to everyone else celebrating. The atmosphere was “terrible” apparently and l should have done more about it. Why do l (or anyone else for that matter!) need to be responsible for Auntie Janet’s moods?! Surely it’s on her? There was a vibe of her needing to be cajoled and/or cheered up and why hasn’t Elle done it?! For clarity we had no disagreement, she was just in a mood as she often is

@Pickabearanybear too true. If l have an issue with someone, then l tell them directly myself. I personally wouldn’t ever tell a 3rd party l have an issue with someone, then will or instruct them to tell the offending person (lm not sure which it is here)

Thanks for people’s thoughts and input into this, l have had a think about it overnight. My initial instinct was correct I think and l will be going super low contact. If our paths cross then l will be polite to her but l won’t be chasing round after her, placating her or making any effort with celebrations / support etc. Mutual family members most likely will be very unhappy with this. Cue emotional blackmail, claims “this will make things awkward” etc etc. Auntie Janet may well be experiencing paranoia but that’s not my fault and she needs to obtain her own help with that.

I don’t think it’s fair that l get accused of things l didn’t do and become responsible for other people’s moods. In contrast my brother rarely, if ever comes to these things. He gets reverence, whereas l make effort but get criticised

Tell the family member to stop telling you these things.

I mean why would she bother to tell you when everyone knows it's not true.

Yes, don’t be controlled
And be wary of what other people are saying she said, I’ve been caught out that way.

Go very low contact with anyone trying to make you apologise to Aunty Janet as well- whenever people ask you about her change the subject

Captain Awkward has some good advice about families and boundaries you could look at

I think your Auntie Janet might be my mum!

The tale of her sitting in another room at the party sounds like something she would do.

I would draw a line under all the lies and fuckwittery go to the events you want to, smile, nod and be pleasant and ignore any sulking or need to be cajoled.

She's doing this because she wants to and it works for her. You are her target and she wants you to perform.

Refuse to dance and refuse to hear any more about it.

You can tell the flying monkey family member that on principle you don't gossip with family or act on third party gossip as it's so often not an accurate reflection of what's going on. Say it's not your recollection of what happened but if Auntie Janet wants to talk to you about it in person she's welcome to. Then carry on life as normal and stop pandering to Auntie Janet

@RantyAunty well, quite. They weren’t framing it as “guess what Auntie Janet is going on about now 🤔”. They were posed as pure fact, l then asked other people present at Christmas to see if they remember me blanking her, everyone goes no you were talking to her. For example my partner remembers me asking her about her new car and her answering! No one else had recently got a new car and why would she answer a question meant from me for someone else?!

@RantyAunty well, quite. They weren’t framing it as “guess what Auntie Janet is going on about now 🤔”. They were posed as pure fact, l then asked other people present at Christmas to see if they remember me blanking her, everyone goes no you were talking to her. For example my partner remembers me asking her about her new car and her answering! No one else had recently got a new car and why would she answer a question meant from me for someone else?!

@KangarooKenny l think control might be part of it at heart. Rest of the family duck and dodge round her moods and difficult ways. I don’t usually, l don’t inflame her but l don’t feed into it which clearly annoys her

For example a few days before Christmas then l got a terse and irritable email forbidding me from buying her a specific item for Christmas. I hadn’t bought her that item (and never have for Christmas so it’s not as if she’s had enough of talc!), she was rather rude in it, a few days before Christmas l had bought and wrapped all presents. I was tempted to fire off a blistering email about the tone and timing of it. But l thought it’s Christmas and l will let this one slide. Instead l didn’t reply to it. I regret that now

@OhamIreally it increasingly feels like there are a lot of Auntie Janet’s out there unfortunately. Each trying to hold friends and family members hostage with their moods!

Sulking in another room at a party is a classic her thing. I wouldn’t do that. My late grandmother (her mother) wouldn’t have allowed it, she probably would have physically removed me from the room and slapped the back of my legs. Her discipline doesn’t seem to have spread as far as her daughter

Its interesting that you use the word target, as l
do feel like she’s targeting me. I am especially annoyed about all of this, as each occasion l had made an effort but now it’s all been thrown back in my face. E.g. at her last big birthday when l had swapped shifts at work to be there, there’s no mention or thought of that. Instead l “walked too fast” and “blanked her”

@litlealligator this is very similar to the approach lm taking going forward. I’m not giving it anymore airtime or feeding into it. It’s not what happened and l know that. If she wants to talk to me about it directly then fine, the Chinese whispers he said / she said isn’t fine

Yesterday she wanted me to go round to see her new house. Which to me made no sense, after she felt like she couldn’t go to a group lunch with me, to celebrate someone else’s birthday. It felt like an odd request and a bit of a trap, needless to say l didn’t go

A couple of suggestions!
Go LC but only if it suits you.
Stop engaging with the flying monkey. Don't explain or apologise. Simply say 'ok' or ask them to stop being a go between. If Janet genuinely has an issue she needs to be grown up enough to speak with you directly.
Grey rock. This is the best tool for dealing with narcs. Give them zero fuel for their fire. I read a very helpful article on this - my Dad is one too - and it basically boiled down to you (as the object of the narcs attention) can be right or you can be happy.
Right is the path of conflict, explaining yourself and generally engaging with the fuckwittery.
Happy is grey rock - you let is wash over you and don't engage or engage in a low key/uncommital way. They don't get what they want from you (drama and attention) but you remain calm.
I am LC with my Dad and that suits me. Every now and again he starts a charm offensive to draw me back in. When I resist he gets angry and I get ranty emails telling me it's all my fault.
Now when this happens I don't get riled and I don't reply. Except for maybe 'ok'.
I am indeed much happier!

It's a control thing she is telling these lies to gain sympathy and play victim.

I would go LC and not engage . Let her miss out on events you can remain civil and polite and refuse to gossip.

If anyone comes to you "oh Janet hasn't said anything to me, I'm sure she would if she has a problem with me"