Issues with family and accusations about my behaviour

[EL8888]

Relationship with Auntie Janet (not her real name!) have been tricky for a long time. Today l get informed she isn’t coming to a family event as “Elle is going and she always ignores me”. l then get the whole “you need to make more effort” routine. She’s the type where you need to ring her, talk about her, go to see her. She doesn’t appear to think she needs to make any effort to anyone else but everyone needs to rally round her

Today is a family members birthday and a family lunch planned so it was all rather awkward. Especially since it’s the first l had heard of it. Last Christmas then l blanked her constantly according to her, no one else present at Christmas can remember this. My partner and mother said they remember me talking to her and her talking back. I don’t remember anything out of the ordinary and it being a fairly standard Christmas? For Auntie Janet’s last big birthday there was a family walk and a nice evening meal out that l attended. She now claims l ignored her all day and didn’t speak to her (l walked too fast that day apparently was another complaint?!). Again everyone present said they don’t recall any of this. My take on it was l made a lot of effort to be there and remember no issues on the day (despite short notice given, prior work commitments l had to re-arrange and a tricky location l had to get to).

This hasn’t come from Auntie Janet, it’s come from another family member. Im convinced family member isn’t exaggerating or stirring, l have always found them to be honest and l can’t see what their angle would be. They typically want a quiet life and everyone to get on to be honest.

I’m not sure of what to do next. My instinct is to draw a line in the sand and going very LC. Wider family think we need to “sort it out”, “try harder to get on”. Despite the fact she’s high maintenance and hard work which they all also openly acknowledge. But l don’t see the need to feed into it all? Or apologise for something l didn’t do and no one else thinks l did (apart from her!)

Avoid her like the plague and refuse to discuss her behaviour.

Do not tolerate any family members trying to force or control your interactions with her.

This is all very strange behaviour.

You have agency here.
Simply refuse to discuss her or her batshit behaviour.

You don't owe her a relationship with you.

Drop the rope.

Agree with@RandomMess . Don't cut contact completely because that feeds the victim narrative and potentially excludes you from family events but brush off any complaints and don't engage in the appeasing.

Make sure at every event you say "hello aunty Janet. How are you?" as you arrive and pretend to be oblivious to any frostiness.

It can actually be quite fun to deliberately fail to notice someone is being off with you. Be super cheery around her, ask her one basic question and then be completely oblivious to any sulking or moods.

She's a difficult character. They all know it really but you don't need to dance to her tune

You are an adult, stop engaging and take a huge step forward. Focus on better relationships with other people, you will be much happier for it

**Huge step backwards!

Be bright and breezy and ultra polite, do not engage in the drama or in conversation. A simple hello, how are you and thats it. On repeat and minimise the number of times you see her to the very bare minimum.

Are people expecting a large inheritance from her so they pander to her?

If you did cut contact with her, who would it most affect in the family?

It's completely up to you but I would tell the family member you don't really want to hear complaints about you from Aunt Janet. I reckon it is the same one relaying the info to you. Who knows what she says about you to her.

Then stop going around to Janets and ignore her emails and calls.
She seems to think you have to put up with her. You don't.

I don’t think it’s fair that l get accused of things l didn’t do and become responsible for other people’s moods. In contrast my brother rarely, if ever comes to these things. He gets reverence, whereas l make effort but get criticised.

You're right, OP, it's not fair. Funny how boys are usually let off the hook.

I had a similar situation with XH's stepmother. It was very tiresome, and the more she flamed me the more I disengaged and avoided her. It seems to me that you've made kind and generous efforts with Janet only to become her scapegoat. You've had good advice here, and I dare say you have better things to do with your leisure than endure all this sulkiness and paranoia.

@groovergirl yep it’s a familiar tale isn’t it with expectations about female family members, compared to male family members!

I 100% have better things to be doing. Life is fairly busy and stressful at the moment with job, studying and IVF to contend with

@RantyAunty lm not aware of lots of dough or investments stashed away?!

My parents would be the ones most affected, grandparents are all dead. My brother most likely would be very evasive if people tried to get him involved. There is a martyr vibe to dealing with Auntie Janet, family seem a little put out that l rarely enter into the whole palaver

UPDATE:

Received a card from "Auntie Janet" last week, talking about how "upset and affronted" she is that that l haven't told her l am pregnant or that l got married. We have been low contact for a fair few months now after her last stunt. The IVF worked and we had a super low key wedding a few weeks ago -think barely a dozen people. She hasn't been advised l am pregnant by me and was not invited to the wedding. Even if we weren't low contact then she probably wouldn't have been invited -at my university graduation she changed the lunch restaurant as she didn't like where l had booked lunch and sulked throughout my the wedding to my 1st husband. So she does have form for behaving badly at other peoples occasions!

For clarity no one was banned or forbidden from telling her any of these things but l wasn't going to inform her or invite her to the the wedding. Low contact in my world doesn't mean reaching out and making contact with people?! Or inviting them to personal events.

I am now unsure of my next move. Husband thinks do nothing. I am inclined to give it to her both barrels. I am sick of her terrible behaviour, her not taking any responsibility for her behaviour and no one in the family ever challenging her! In my experience part of the reason people behave the way they do, is other people let them get away with it

Let her be so called upset and affronted. She's actually mighty annoyed and or otherwise pissed off because attention is on you rather than her. Drop the rope now and have nothing at all more to do with her.

Do not at all engage with Janet; a response from you is what she wants and to such disordered of thinking people that is the reward. Do not therefore give it to her both barrels. When it comes to toxic people the "normal" rules of familial engagement go out the window. Do not forget also such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

People do not want to challenge Janet because they will be on the receiving end of her toxic behaviour if they do so.

narcsite.com/2022/06/16/11-traps-of-narcissistic-entanglement-7/ This excerpt may be useful to read too.

Just keep ignoring her! She’s written to you as she wants a rise, continue the NC!

I am inclined to give it to her both barrels. I am sick of her terrible behaviour, her not taking any responsibility for her behaviour and no one in the family ever challenging her!

I hear you but PPs are right, you are best not to respond. You will never 'win'. Even just you putting your point across would be a win in her book, it will be twisted. The best thing you can do is ignore, ignore, ignore, as difficult as that is. People like Janet are not wired the same as the rest of us, that's partly why they're impossible to deal with. Other family members letting her away with it or enabling her are just protecting themselves really, even if they don't realise it.

There will never be closure with her for you, NC is the only way

I wouldn't pretend you have received any card.

Tell no one and completely ignore it and her.

She is awful, accept it and avoid.

There really isn't any changing people like this.

My elderly friend describes people like this as "they would argue with their fingers".

Don't bother expending the energy required to engage.

Well done for keeping her at arms length.

This is clearly a very happy time for you, many congratulations.

Do not tolerate any family member trying to speak to you about her and upset.

Put your 🤚up "as my face really isn't interested".😁

I have an "auntie Janet" who did similar but in person. I'm not someone who is scared of confrontation but didn't want to be the scapegoat for any falling out by giving it to her so I very cheerfully replied "I'm so sorry you are upset. Life has been very busy with the IVF [congrats btw!], work and getting married. I jist thought since you hadn't contacted me at all to catch up you were busy with your own things. Anyway how is that new car of yours going?"

The best way to deal with narcissists is not to feed the drama. Anything you do can feed drama when they could cause an argument in an empty room. Look up the Grey Rock technique. It has worked wonders with the difficult peiple in my life. I'm getting reallllly good at small talk and poker faced cheerfulness ;)

@EL8888

My NDN and my Mum are very similar to this. Both highly anxious, overthinkers etc. In NDN’s case she imagines things - eg that workmen are stealing things or damaging her property - like she is constantly being persecuted. Mum - very much only sees things from her perspective, demands attention, dominates conversation - needs to be in control - and won’t listen to suggestions/alternative views. I’d say in both cases there are elements of dementia.

NDN - I avoid because I don’t want to be accused of things - however I would be there in an emergency.

Mum - I find it really tricky. I’m low contact, there in an emergency. When I visit - no more than a day or so.

It’s hard - but I need to have the strength not to take things personally. It’s not my fault - but I don’t think NDN or Mum are capable of change, and will only get worse.

Your messenger should have understood this - however honest they are. In fact I think they should have been very tactful in how they communicated all this to you, making it clear it’s not your fault? It doesn’t sound to me like that happened?

Most people, on hearing this information, would write and congratulate their niece on their recent marriage and news of a pregnancy, not about how insulted they feel.

Play her at her own game. I'd write back with a Christmas card saying:

"Thank you so much for your lovely letter, with such heartfelt warm wishes and congratulations. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, Lots of love, EL, DH and Bump".

Well, exactly! Where would the fun be in that though?! Let’s instead try to cause a stir and be a martyr

I’m giving it more thought but increasingly l think my husband and most of you are right -l should do nothing. Because l will get a lot of satisfaction from telling her like it is I.e. her behaviour is terrible, lm sick of her lies and difficult ways etc. But it ultimately won’t change her, she won’t apologise or accept she’s done anything wrong. Plus most likely will be used as fodder for “El is so terrible to me”.

Meh just ignore her, it's another tantrum falling on deaf ears! Who gives a shit really?

Exactly.

Deny her the oxygen she craves.

She would love a furious response tobwave a wail about.

Give her nothing but avoidance and indifference and cut off any family who tries to engage you on the topic of her.

Guaranteed she’ll play the ‘Woe is me’ card if you let rip. Stay low contact, let it filter back to her that she hasn’t bothered being in contact so you’re respecting her wishes and tell any flying monkeys to fuck off.

Congratulations on the pregnancy, keep calm and don’t let her upset you at this precious time.

As lovely as it might feel to give her both barrels, you'll feel bad afterwards and as though you've lowered yourself to her level. She'll then paint you a nutcase, and that you've been verbally abusing her and accusing her of all sorts of lies.

The problem with these people is they need drama. They also don't think they are doing anything wrong. You hope by letting rip she'll feel ashamed, and remorseful and see the hurt she's caused, but in reality you're just validating her warped sense of the story she's told herself, and will tell others.

The best way to deal with this is to ignore

I agree with ignoring the card and don’t send anything to her.
also I’d ask other people not to mention to you what she has been saying. No need for you to hear it because you’re not interested anyway.

good luck. I have an aunt similar. Everyone lets her get away with shit, but we barely talk because I won’t let her act badly with me like others do.