Unequal income — is it bad to pay for holidays?

[Earlgrey19]

Have been in a relationship for 6 months with someone. There’s a discrepancy in income, with me being able to afford more. We’ve been away for weekends together, just in UK, twice. I paid both times; the first time I said I would pay as he is very financially stressed, going through a protracted divorce, very little money after rent & solicitor fees. I said he could pay for a weekend when he has more money in the future. My mum expressed disapproval of this and said it sets a bad precedent. He was happy with it. I did it again, for Easter weekend, though I did say he can pay me half or can pay me in the future when he can afford it. Though it’s my impression that he thinks I treated him, as he thanked me a lot on the holiday. But I’m wondering if I shouldn’t be behaving like this — not because I don’t trust him, but if does set up something unequal. He doesn’t seem to mind. That said, I think he’d have been happier with cheaper places than those I booked. He buys me meals out, I don’t think he takes the piss. But should I stop paying for holidays? From a selfish perspective, I do want to be able to have nice breaks away with him at times.

No, it's not a bad thing.
If you have enough in your budget to be able to afford a holiday / short break, and you want to use your money for that, and you enjoy spending time with him, then I don't see the issue.
He doesn't have the money, so your option is that you pay, or you go on your own (or find a friend to go with), or you don't go.
If you want to go, and you want to spend that time with him, then use your money as you wish. It really isn't anyone else's business. Indeed, I am not even sure why you would discuss how your break is financed with anyone other than the person you are sharing it with.

Thanks @Kite22 . Yes, my mum asked too many questions, I think!

But should I stop paying for holidays?
Well, he can't afford to go...?

I dunno you know. The little red flag for me is that the second time, you didn't say it was your treat but he has nonetheless made that assumption despite you saying something different. That's not great.

I'm not sure why treating someone you care for, and them being honest enough to not pretend it is anything other than that, is a red flag.

At this stage of my life I am in the fortunate enough position that I can treat people I care for to things occasionally. It makes it much more comfortable if no fuss is made and they just let me treat them.

I have, at other times in my life, been the one who was fortunate enough to have generous people who were able and willing to treat me to things. I feel I am just carrying on that cycle , and one day, the people I treat will be able to treat others who don't have quite enough money at some point in the future.

I see something sort of 'disposable' like a short break / a meal out / a trip to the theatre or a sporting event / etc, is something that I would enjoy doing, and it makes it more enjoyable to do with someone I like spending time with, so, if I have the disposable income, I am quite happy to spend that money on them. Each event stands alone and isn't signing up to any commitment as it would be if you were moving in or something.

If he genuinely can't afford it then I guess it comes down to would you rather pay and have his company, or not pay and not have his company? I have paid for friends before so that I had company rather than go somewhere by myself.

I'd say everyone cuts according to their cloth. You say he takes you out for meals. That's lovely and what he can afford.

I do think you need to actually make a decision to pay or not. Do NOT set up a future debt. It makes things very complicated. You either pay, or go halves and he pays up front, or he doesn't go. No mythical payment or weekend in the future.

No, the OP has the impression he thinks it was her treat, that doesn't mean he has that assumption. All she said was....

I did it again, for Easter weekend, though I did say he can pay me half or can pay me in the future when he can afford it. Though it’s my impression that he thinks I treated him, as he thanked me a lot on the holiday.

Perhaps he just had a great time and was very thankful to have had the little holiday away with her. She arranged for it and paid for it (in advance) so it would be normal enough to say thank you a lot in those circumstances I think?

There’s a discrepancy in what you can afford. I’m not sure it’s fair to ask him to pay an unspecified amount at an unspecified time in the future for a break he may or may not have wanted. Are you sure he would even want to go away if knew the cost? He has been up front with you - he’s a bit skint, but he’s still happy to take you out to dinner, etc. In all honesty, if everything else is going great, and if he’s not pushing you for these holidays, I’d suck this up if you want your mini breaks. My DP earns more than twice what I earn and had far fewer financial commitments so he can afford more. He will take me on breaks, or to see bands, because he wants to go and he wants to go with me. I contribute in other ways: I cook an amazing lasagne (his words), give epic back rubs, and generally make him a lot happier. If he wants to go and see The Killers at Wembley and stay in a 5 star London hotel with me then I am definitely not going to say no, but there is no way I could afford to do that. I think if you want holidays you will most likely have to mainly pay for most of them.

Last year things were a bit tight for my boyfriend as he hadn't worked much (self employed) so I paid more. He did offer but I just said to make it up to me when he was earning more.

This year he has a new job with a good salary so he is now being generous.

So imo as long as he's not talking the piss (there was a poster on here who paid for everything whilst her boyfriend bought himself clothes, games etc) and you can afford it then it is fine.

I think if you want to go somewhere and want to go with him and he can't afford it then you have to pay for two. And that's fine. It should only ever be your decision though.

I would write this weekend off. I actually don't think it's fair to take someone who can't afford it away on a weekend and expect them to owe you money for it. On the flip side, the fact he appears willing to be owing you money for a weekend away without giving an indication of when he'll pay you back, or that he's just assumed - or "assumed" - that you're treating him would make me uneasy. I wouldn't be suggesting any more weekends away with him for a while.

If your mother isn't ordinarily quite so nosey then I'd want to know what has got her worried. If it's normal for her, never mind!

I've paid for lots of holidays for me and DH as I'm the higher earner.
I didn't resent the money, but I started to resent being the only one to ever make a holiday happen.
So now we share our finances more fairly (each paying half of our take-home pay into our joint account) and now DH can pull the trigger on a holiday too.
However, we've been together for 17 years. I'd be reluctant to be paying for someone who I was in a new relationship with.

If he was the higher earner and he could afford to treat you, this wouldn’t even be up for debate, I reckon. Your mum would be saying that you’d found a good man. You can afford it. You want him to go with you. It’s your judgment that he contributes in other ways. Is it anyone else’s business?

I am in the same position and I abhor the sexism-if a man treats a woman, good for the woman. If a woman treats a man, she’s being taken for a ride. That might be so but in each case is not necessarily so

My husband to be earned way more than I did. He wanted to go on nice trips which I couldn’t afford so he paid. I most certainly wasn’t being a CF, it was entirely his choice.
Decades on, he’s always earned much more. I don’t earn at all now but contribute in other, significant ways.
works for us. No-one else’s business.

I think you've probably sent him mixed messages. The first trip you said he could pay for a weekend trip in the future when he has more money (this seems very vague and could be weeks, months, even years away??). Then you went ahead and booked another weekend and instead of him paying for it this time as it was his 'turn", you have paid for it again! And again with a vague indication of when/how he will repay you. So it's no wonder he thinks you're funding these trips, as your actions possibly don't seem to match up with what you're telling him. You are telling him it's a loan but not really acting like it's one.

If you actually don't want to be funding these trips then either be very clear about the fact you are loaning him the money (e.g. agree a timeframe by when the debt will be repaid) or acknowledge that if you want to have more expensive trips then you will need to fund more than he does. Or just do things that are actually within his budget. Personally I think loaning him money will likely lead to issues.

i make more than my partner. If i didnt pay for holidays, we wouldnt go!
it doesnt sound like this will be his situation forever? Unless hes paying for his ex ? ( in which case i would resent this , ongoing) or children and it's unlikely to get any better?

When I met DP he was earning 55k and me 12k. He wanted to go on holiday so he paid and has done every year since. He's never asked for the money back, he wanted to go away and he wanted me to go with him. He knew I couldn't afford to pay, I didn't have much left after paying my rent and bills. I could afford meals and days out but two weeks in the sun, no chance.

He didn't have to pay for me and I didn't expect him to. He's never asked for the money back or said that I owe him.

It's up to you what you spend your money on, nobody else.

My partner earns significantly more than me, but we had a conversation early in our relationship about money. Essentially, he does pay for a lot of things (meals out, hotels, etc) but argues that they’re for his enjoyment. If we had to stick to my budget we wouldn’t do so much, or would visit cheaper places. I do pay for some things (for example, I’ll get coffees or drinks at a bar) and I don’t let him pay for things that are just for me (clothes, general groceries, etc).

I guess the difference is that we’re both comfortable with it and we talk about it. I’d hate to think he feel any resentment or that i needed to pay him back in the future (I couldn’t!)

Ultimately, if you’re happy, ignore what your mum says, but have a chat with him so that you’re both comfortable with whatever approach you take

Thanks all, really helpful. Yes, I think there is sexism in my mum’s attitude— she always wanted me to meet a rich man, and tried to talk me out of being with this guy because he is not, though I put my foot down and said those aren’t my values, and I love him. She has backed off a bit but not entirely. It’s been really helpful to have your perspectives.

It's totally up to you though isn't it? If you feel okay about it then why not? Otherwise you would not be able to go.

Is he okay with not going? He's not asking you to take him, right?

I would urge you to ask yourself whether you would be happy with this long-term though? Of course you've set a precedent.

Many relationships have unequal financial income, but you make up for it in other ways.

My contribution to our family is equal to my husband's, just not financially.

Do you love him? Does he love you?

If you are building a life together you need to discuss these things properly. If it's just casual or short-term or outside of a family unit and you want to go on holiday with him but he can't afford it, take him, enjoy the experience, and let go of hoping to see any financial renumeration in return for your expense. I mean, after all his company is the contribution, right?

I’ve paid for me and DH to go away in the past; I wanted to go and he didn’t have the money while I did. What is more important is whether in general he always expects you to pay which he sounds like he doesn’t

I think it would depend, is his situation likely to change in the future? Will he more easily be able to afford the same things as you?

if yes, then i would probably carry on, its nice to spend the time together, and if you can afford, nice to treat someone you care about.

If not, then I'd be thinking about the relationship overall. You want to be able to do these things, if he is never going to be in a position to afford them, ate you happy to pay for them all in the future or will you become resentful.

I would have a cold hard think about the relationship I'm afraid. You might be able to afford to take him away for a weekend now but will he ever be able to reciprocate? Unless you are a really high earner then I'm sure you don't have the money to subsidise someone else permanently. What is it that creates the inequality? Does he have children to pay for, low level qualification so can't get a good job or what?

Holidays are discretionary, you don't actually need to have holidays away. So, in my opinion, if you want to go halves then you have to let the lower income person set a budget that they are comfortable with. If you want a better holiday than they can afford then you need to pay for it. Especially in your situation where it sounds like you were the one to decide on a holiday and the location and you have brought him along for companionship. If he was deciding where and when to go and then trying to persuade you to pay for it that would be a different story, and I would resist that sort of arrangement.

It’s fine for you to pay for the trips if you want to do them, but you can’t just decide a trip is going to happen, say ‘you can pay me in future’ and then expect to be paid back. Do it as a gift or not at all, because you’re not going to see the money back and it will only cause resentment otherwise.

I’ve been taken on trips by partners with no expectation that they’d be paid back, but that doesn’t mean that I was deliberately out to take advantage and contributed nothing to a relationship.

It has nothing to do with your Mum, you get to choose what you spend your money on.