Hi
First time poster. I’ve been unhappy in my marriage for a while and after a bit of research I think my husband is a narcissist.
We can get along really well ( when having a drink for example) but I have experienced anxiety since we met and, after 20 years of therapy and antidepressants ( off and on) I am now thinking the problem is him. The main times of stress are when my family ( mum and brother) are involved. He is argumentative with them and me and aggressive. I get tense and anxious weeks before the event. When I addressed if before Christmas he said it would be alright and I took this as an admission of him acknowledging his changes behaviour when I’m having fun with my family and he feels threatened. When mum and auntie came over after first baby was born he took me aside and told me he was worried and stressed by their presence. I then sat in our bedroom for the rest of the evening with him and left my relatives downstairs. he caused my mum to change the time of her 70th birthday celebrations because he wanted to get back home at a time of his choosing and lately I was unable to organise a holiday with my family ( I also said I would like to invite his but he said he didn’t want that) because’that would be difficult for him’. We live where we do as it was his idea and I left a really good job to do so. I had kids because he said he wanted to and I feared loosing him at the beginning of our relationship. We only moved in together after I practically begged. And it was a time of his choosing, even though he said he wanted to live together. I have grown increasingly aware of his anger when I didn’t follow his requests eg how to discipline the children and spending money from our joint account; almost in disbelief. I challenged him on one occasion saying I wasn’t like his mum- I feel his dad is narcissistic towards his mum and perhaps he has learnt this behaviour from him.
We haven’t sex in several years and this has never been discussed. I used to ask but stopped after tiring and being embarrassed by rejection.
I thought he as depressed over the past few months but after some research believe this low mood and lack of self esteem is behind his narcissistic nature. I have also seen some impacts on me of my upbringing. My emotional needs weren’t met and was brought up in a religious environment so know that I didn’t have the skills or confidence to realise his ways earlier, and was also susceptible to putting up with his ways by being a people pleaser.
If we didn’t have children I would leave but am terrified about the effect this would have on the kids. I also have no experience of anyone close divorcing and it seems MASSIVE. But I feel like this is a breakthrough in my understanding of him, me and our relationship. And would like to experience a better relationship before it’s too late- I’ve just turned 50. I’ve found it difficult putting my 20 year relationship into words but know you will have some wise words of help and support.