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Original poster

Is this a narc or could I of dealt with it better.

27 replies

Bekind1 · 22/04/2022 21:05

So basically my partner of 10 years helped me to the car we share with our baby. He grabbed something from the gear stick as he put the car seat in, it was a small bit of paper and put it in his pocket. But the way he done was weird, so I asked what was that. He ignored me, so I asked again what was it, and he ignored it again. Anyway he shut the door and went back into the house, I've started driving and my head was doing 100. There has been alot of lying, cheating and sneaking around on his behalf but admittedly he hasn't- that I'm aware of for a good few years. Anyway I've asked him if it is a girls number on the paper because why wouldn't he just say, why would he act like that. He's hit the roof, for 3 days I have had the most abuse, telling me I shouldn't question him. I can't call him a cheat (which i never) which I suppose me asking if it was a girls number was implying that. He has called me every name under the sun, hasn't spoke to me for 2 days only to rant at me how I disrespected him. And I can't see what I did wrong. But I am struggling to see what I did? I was not rude, I did not accuse him as such nor have I gave in to any arguments. All I have said was "ok" He's then gone on to tell me men would slap me blah blah blah how I think I'm smarter than him. ( by me saying OK?) How i need to be sorry as he was just playing a joke on me, and I must be cheating if I accused him lol he was even up in the bedroom screaming rhe place down as if he was talking to me while I was downstairs in another room. He's really raging. He says I shouldn't question him and to keep out his business as I'm too nosey or I'm insecure.
Anyway the paper was nothing- it was left on the side.
This all started because I asked what was on the paper. I'm so confused.
What's your opinions on this ? Thank you

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 22/04/2022 21:10

I don’t know how I would label it but it’s vile behaviour, he sounds awful.
I hope you are safe, I would worry he would escalate to violence. I don’t often say LTB but in this case I would. He is treating you terribly.

Indoorcamping · 22/04/2022 21:12

It doesn't really matter whether he's cheating. He abusive. You need to leave.

Original poster
Bekind1 · 22/04/2022 21:12

And just to add, I've asked if his son is coming for the weekend as he comes every weekend but it's his birthday so I wasn't sure. He point blank refused to answer me, I suppose because it's a 'question' & I shouldn't ask him any questions. Very strange

OP posts:
layladomino · 22/04/2022 21:13

He sounds vile. I would be very suspicious that he's hiding something, even if it's nothing to do with that piece of paper, as his response is far from normal.

Whether or not he's hiding something, he's treating you terribly, you did nothing to deserve it, he's treating you with zero respect, and 'training' you to never question him.

Does he make you happy?

Olsi109 · 22/04/2022 21:14

Vile behaviour from him. I would say leave - no one should have to put up with that.

sheepandcaravan · 22/04/2022 21:15

I'm sorry you had this.

It's abusive.

You have no idea if that was same bit of paper, and it does not matter.

He is abusive. Is there anyone you can call.

pictish · 22/04/2022 21:18

Yes it certainly sounds like a narcissistic rage…protracted, victim-blaming and cruel.
Tell us a bit more about him. Is he a haughty, self-satisfied, overly sensitive to criticism type in general?

Original poster
Bekind1 · 22/04/2022 21:20

One a day to day he's totally fine, we get on believe it or not. There has been a lot of history with him cheating. But his response was weird, then he said it was a joke. I thought the same, it seems like he doesn't want me to question anything all of a sudden. I am the most humble person, so I don't get the sneaky ness of it. What he did was plant the seed of doubt but then screamed at me when I asked him if it was a females number.
Oh and he said I'm too hard headed and he's a man, and I shouldn't square up to him lol. He classes me squaring up to him is, if I say anything back. Literally anything. His behaviour is odd.

OP posts:
sheepandcaravan · 22/04/2022 21:21

Not odd, cycle of abuse.

Dealwithit · 22/04/2022 21:22

And you are still with him - why?

don’t engage just leave

sheepandcaravan · 22/04/2022 21:24

My link is failing. I'm sorry.

He's causing an incident, tension, an argument, making you question yourself, then being ok, you get in well. Repeat, add more violence.

Original poster
Bekind1 · 22/04/2022 21:25

That's exactly him. He can not take criticism at all, if I was too say can you please stop leaving your socks on the floor (for example) he will say something I havnt done. Every single time. But I explain to him he can not say anything to me because I tidy the house, I don't leave it there for anyone else to pick up or tidy up or put away - I will do it - but in my own time. He will LEAVE it there for me to tidy up. But I can't tell him anything..
I think he feels like hes entitled to king treatment while doing the bare minimum you know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bekind1 · 22/04/2022 21:27

No I'm not engaging, he will not make me loose composure over something so little. I will not be leaving this is my house, he can go lol

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 22/04/2022 21:34

It doesn't matter if he is or isn't a narc. He needs to go.

PonyPatter44 · 22/04/2022 21:44

Yes, this was my exH. It was impossible to have a discussion about anything, because he took any sort of questioning as a personal attack. He couldn't cope with not being the centre of attention at all.

Graphista · 23/04/2022 00:03

Why on EARTH are you still with him?

Long history of cheating

Abusive at least verbally

Doesn't like you challenging him in any way

I say get the hell out!

RockinHorseShit · 23/04/2022 00:09

With that nasty, abusive assed reaction. He is as guilty as fuck. Trust your instincts. You deserve better than this 💐

Rodion · 23/04/2022 00:19

Don't worry about labels that's may explain his behaviour, all that matters is that he is behaving in a way that is really unpleasant towards you, and that this relationship is therefore not something you should stay in.

Plainascanbe123 · 23/04/2022 00:33

I can't see that you did anything wrong in asking him what was on the piece of paper. I would have done the same. It doesn't imply you're accusing him just by asking a question. His reaction is way over the top and to rant and rave and then ignore you for 2 days as well as the other things you said are all signs of abuse. He of abuse. Healthy disagreements don't involve name calling, blaming, criticism, shaming, insulting etc because if we love our other half we wouldn't want to hurt their feelings in this way. You said he has a history of cheating as well so how dare he get off like this just by you asking a simple question. He sounds very entitled and doesn't want you to challenge him about anything, ever and expects you to know your place etc. By his behaviour he sure sounds like a narc. Whatever his problem is its not your fault but you do need to get out of this relationship because he sounds very disrespectful towards you.

Plainascanbe123 · 23/04/2022 00:35

Sorry *He is abusive

Plainascanbe123 · 23/04/2022 00:45

And to even say men have the right to slap you. Just for asking a simple question thst you have the right to know. What the hell!?? He sounds horrible. Even if you think he's fine on a day to day, if you really think about it most abusive people are not abusive 100 % of the time are thryMake plans to get out. He doesn't deserve you or any woman.

MardyOldGoth · 23/04/2022 00:46

Whichever abuser school he attended was a bloody good one! He's ticking every single box. LTB.

derob · 23/04/2022 00:49

Could he be taking drugs OP? Could that explain the paper (and odd behaviour)? Obviously it wouldn't excuse the behaviour

Plainascanbe123 · 23/04/2022 00:55
RoyKentsChestHair · 23/04/2022 00:56

Yes textbook narc. From your update he sounds a lot like my ex who was also 100% narc. You can’t change him and he will destroy you piece by piece - emotionally more than physically if he’s clever, as those wounds don’t show. Take care, he may escalate if you try to leave him. Even if he has someone else (he 100% does, but this was all to throw you off the scent because now you won’t question any texts/calls etc for fear of being labelled crazy and making stuff up, “just like you did with that blank piece of paper”) he will still want to be in control of this and losing you at this point in time is not in his plans. No fun in it for him if you walk away, like a dead mouse stops being fun for a cat.