Friend's moved nearby and is taking over my life

[Pluvia]

I have an old acquaintance, the kind who'd communicate two or three times a year and came to stay for a weekend every couple of years. She's quite interesting but not someone I felt any special bond with. I knew she liked the area where I and my partner live but I was pretty stunned when she turned up on our doorstep last year and announced she'd bought a house a ten-minute drive from us.

It's needed a lot of work and to start with I was happy to suggest a couple of local tradespeople when she asked for recommendations. This slowly turned into more of a dependancy on me: she'd be phoning a dozen times a day to grumble about the builders and ask me to go round and help her decide where electric points should go, or what kind of architraving she needed — loads of decisions she couldn't make on her own. In the early days, when the house was barely habitable, my partner and I got into the habit of offering to cook for her a couple of times a week and she came to our home for baths and to do her washing. It was all right to start with, but she never brought food or offered to take us out for a pub meal and it started to get very uncomfortable. We put an end to it as soon as her kitchen and bathroom were finished. She kept saying how much she missed our meals together, but we held firm.

We're sociable people so we invited her to a few social events. She's very quickly created her own friendship circle among our friends. She talks about 'my good friend Jayne' and 'my good friend Simon' as if she's known them for years, and we began to realise that she's been setting up private get-togethers with our mates without telling us. It's a bit weird to discover down the line that one's close friends have all, individually, been invited out to lunch or dinner with her, and haven't mentioned it to us. I think a few of them are unhappy about it. I suspect they think we've encouraged her to get to know them and they aren't keen on her and are now a bit peed off with us. I've made it clear to anyone who says anything that she and I aren't great friends and that they're not to think that because she's someone I know, they need to befriend her.

It's all beginning to feel difficult. I had no idea that she was like this from our 15 years of occasional visits. If I had, I would have drifted away from the relationship and let it die. Now it's too late and she's firmly enmeshed in my life. What would you do?

Be very vague with her, don't discuss her with people. When you do you add value to your friendship. Just let her drift away

Let me get this straight.She moved near you and you offered to help her with washing and food. You introduced her to some friends of yours and she became friends with them independently of you? You think they aren't happy about that. And suspect they're pissed off. Why don't you just ask??

You are all adults yes? Your friends can decline invites.

When you say 'didn't think she was like this'...like what? What you describe is someone who needed some help with moving for a while and then befriended people introduced to her. Youre making it sound like she's crossed some line but it doesn't sound like when an invite is declined that she's done anything besides lament seeing you.

@supercali77 I know several friends are unhappy at what they experience as her over-familiarity and dependency — which is exactly what I and my partner experienced with her. Her boundaries are out of kilter. She latches on to people who offer any sort of friendliness or support and expects more.

They've tried being cool with her and she hasn't got the message. They haven't wanted to be too up-front with her because they assume she's a close friend of mine and they don't want to offend her or, possibly, me.

Are you the kind of person, @supercali77, who when given an inch, wants to take the whole mile?

You've rather shot yourself in the foot a few times with this one. She is a narcissist and she was training you to jump whenever she wanted with those phonecalls you kept answering...and then rather than distance yourself - you introduced her to your friends!

Unfortunaty, I fear the only way you're getting out of this now is to cut contact with her and the people you introduced her to. Unless those people choose to go not contact with her too.

tbh...youd be wise to just move house and not tell her where you are going.

The slowly slowly approach to fading out doesn't tend to work with these sorts as they've had it done to them before. They cotton on and go mental.

Better off just telling them you wish to have no further contact and then blocking them. Though...she knows where u live so theres that problem...

Either way she will likely go mental. And smear campaign you to everyone. Best just rip that bandage off I'd say.

Sadly, as dramatic as it sounds, I'm inclined to agree with pinkbonbon

Especially on the smear campaign...

Just fade her out. Don't answer messages straightaway, let calls go to voicemail.

As for your friends, they're adults and old enough to say No thanks to her invites. Don't stress about them, it's up to them who they see socially.

We'd already introduced her to a few of our friends and social/ hobby circles before we began to get any idea of what she was really like. First week she came to supper we talked about my partner's climbing group and she asked if she could go bouldering — and why not, why wouldn't you take her along? A week or two later another friend called round and joined the rest of us for supper: they got chatting, it seemed okay. It's only down the line it's become clear that she's overstepping the mark with people and they don't want it.

As for moving: you're joking.

How annoying OP.

Strangely I had a similar friend. Someone I liked/found interesting but was also kept at a bit of a distance. When she visited my area once she mentioned about moving here because of a and b reasons. I felt myself inwardly wonder how I felt about that - and it wasn’t good. We fell out several months later over her demands for help - and the were demands not requests - and I ended things. But sounds a bit like your friend. Interesting, extrovert, great at starting friendships - but a bit of a user too.

All I can suggest is you either slowly dial down the friendship to zero, or rip the plaster off. There’s not much you can do about her befriending your friends but should the topic come up, I think you can say to your friends you are no longer friends with her (I wouldn’t go into the reasons myself as it might get back to her.). Some of your old friendships will get back to normal. You can make some new friends too. Sorry this happened to you.

ps the lesson I learnt - users can take advantage of kind people and empaths - if you have doubts about people keep them at arms length, remove them from your life as soon as you get that “feeling”. Admittedly this time you were kinda ambushed but the damage control is to distance yourself to the extent that in a couple of years she will be just a dot on the horizon.

I mean it could be highveld of neuroticism linked with some mental health issue but it sounds the most like npd or similar. From my experience, it's more common these sorts of ehat we may see as 'lack of self awareness' behaviours are...not. But are instead, entitlement and lack of empathy.

And if she is narcissistic...she's a particularly bad one, considering she is calling you that much ect.. and has clearly made you her target. I say target because these people often pick a person who they essentially want to suck dry. Soon the competing starts. And if they can just straight up take what you have (friends ect) even better.First you're like their best friend...and then...their worst enemy.

So yeah, saying move away might sound extreme. But potentially...it might be wise. But seriously, cut contact ASAP.

Don't stay in the path of a tiger when you're what its eyeing up for lunch.

*High level of neuroticism

Just step back from her and cut the ties. You might casually let slip to one or two of the old friends that you had to step back from X after some unwelcome behaviour.

Thanks, RealThyme. I suspect you need to have been through something like this to understand.

We've already back right off but we'll make sure everyone who's ever met her through us knows that we're not friends and they don't have to be nice to her.

‘She’s a narcissist’. For heaven’s sake. I do wish people would stop with this idiotic arm-chair diagnosis. It’s as embarrassing as it is silly.

Yes, and just to add. If you live in a small place - where you might bump into her - sounds like it - you can still end the friendship yet say hi, hello, smile when you see her (if you want). But of course turn down all invitations and do not speak or text except to respond you’re busy! She’ll get the message and may still want to be on “hi” terms herself.

if it’s any consolation, you are not the first woman to fall out with a female friend!!!! And if you are sensitive/ an empath it can feel pretty horrible.

All you can do is put boundaries in place. And let the chips fall where they fall. I’m sure eventually you will be in a much better place with it all.

re. any diagnosis, she sounds unstable and needy anyaway (like my friend who could be funny intelligent and likeable but also could be over the top or snippy, demanding and unstable!, hence I had to end it. Good luck OP.

I had this with another mum when my DC were at primary school. It was exhausting. She even told me that she followed a previous victim friend who'd moved across the country and settled in the same village as her. With no hint of self awareness she went on to describe that friend as an evil betrayer because once she'd moved into that village the other moved away from her again.

I didnt want to rock the boat as our kids were friends and ended up doing all sorts of ridiculous favours for her, but I eventually dialed down the contact and she latched onto someone else. She did get nasty (had her shouting down the phone at me) and there was a bit of a smear campaign against me, but it was worth it to be free of her. So prepare yourself!

The next parent she latched onto ended up raising her son when she swanned off to live her best life else where. Amazing.

I think she is more likely to have Aspergers or be on the ASD spectrum than having some kind of personality disorder. It wasn't particularly noticeable when we saw her for an occasional weekend every few years but I think she doesn't read social cues in the way that most people do and she doesn't understand that friendship involves a degree of reciprocity. I'm trying to imagine how anyone could turn up week in, week out, for dinner, a bath and use of the washing machine and never once, in six months, offer a bottle of wine or a box of chox as thanks.

I am out the other side of a 20 year friendship where recently the “friend” took over the entire space in the friendship. Very much started like your a few times a year acquaintance and then over covid she was really struggling and the intensity ramped and ramped.

All I can say is draw very clear boundaries because your friend deliberately has none because that is how she gets her needs met. My boundaries were eventually to say no more friendship because it had gotten completely intolerable, for you I fear you will have to at least tolerate her company when you are with friends. People like this are completely self absorbed.

Sounds like you've been kind and welcoming and she's taken massive advantage. I'd step right back, and make sure you see friends who you value, don't invite her, and should the topic come up be honest.

You don't owe her anything - quite the opposite. You don't have to be mean about her but you can be factual and honest.

She’s a narcissist’. For heaven’s sake. I do wish people would stop with this idiotic arm-chair diagnosis. It’s as embarrassing as it is silly.

^This. Everyone on MN seems to be surrounded by narcissists. Quite bizarre.

She just sounds lonely with poor boundaries to me

We've already back right off but we'll make sure everyone who's ever met her through us knows that we're not friends and they don't have to be nice to her.

What has she done to you that's so awful that you would tell people that they don't have to be nice to her? Not buy you some chocolates?
Can you not trust your friends to make their own judgement about her and deal with her themselves? To be honest it sounds like you just don't like your friends going out with her and not telling you.
You don't have to be friends with her, but telling people they don't have to be nice to her sounds quite mean actually.

You need to talk to your friends (the ones you had before she showed up) and say that you have no idea what has been going on but as they are adults, they are free to reject any invitation offered by cheeky friend. You should make it clear that cheeky friend was more of an acquaintance of yours rather than a close friend but when she moved to the area you wanted to extend a neighbourly hand and she appears to have overstepped the mark here.

You will not be offended in the slightest as you too are planning on implementing better boundaries where this cheeky friend is concerned and it would be useful if you were all to 'sing from the same sheet' if you will, so there is no ambiguity going on.

Take the conversation on though as an adult and stop the guessing and suspicions and just deal with it head on.

Best of luck to you with it.

Or instead of being on the spectrum or having a personality disorder, they could just be a leech. Sucking you dry of any sort of friendship and hospitality that might be extended to them.

@Pluvia Your friend does not sound like she’s autistic.

I’ve met a few people like her. Once you got to know them you could clearly see their poor behaviour was due to their low self esteem and was often taught behaviour from their childhood, as their parents where the same. Some did have ADHD, which effected their social skills but the overriding factor was that they were just an arse.

Yes, this is it! My friends tend to be kind, generous people and some of them at least will have felt obliged to go along with her because they think she's a good friend of mine and they don't want me to think they're rude if they distance themselves from her or don't invite her to things. So this weekend I'll have a chat with a few people to make the situation clear and let them know that they are free to manage their relationship with her as they wish. Thanks.