Friend's moved nearby and is taking over my life

[Pluvia]

I have an old acquaintance, the kind who'd communicate two or three times a year and came to stay for a weekend every couple of years. She's quite interesting but not someone I felt any special bond with. I knew she liked the area where I and my partner live but I was pretty stunned when she turned up on our doorstep last year and announced she'd bought a house a ten-minute drive from us.

It's needed a lot of work and to start with I was happy to suggest a couple of local tradespeople when she asked for recommendations. This slowly turned into more of a dependancy on me: she'd be phoning a dozen times a day to grumble about the builders and ask me to go round and help her decide where electric points should go, or what kind of architraving she needed — loads of decisions she couldn't make on her own. In the early days, when the house was barely habitable, my partner and I got into the habit of offering to cook for her a couple of times a week and she came to our home for baths and to do her washing. It was all right to start with, but she never brought food or offered to take us out for a pub meal and it started to get very uncomfortable. We put an end to it as soon as her kitchen and bathroom were finished. She kept saying how much she missed our meals together, but we held firm.

We're sociable people so we invited her to a few social events. She's very quickly created her own friendship circle among our friends. She talks about 'my good friend Jayne' and 'my good friend Simon' as if she's known them for years, and we began to realise that she's been setting up private get-togethers with our mates without telling us. It's a bit weird to discover down the line that one's close friends have all, individually, been invited out to lunch or dinner with her, and haven't mentioned it to us. I think a few of them are unhappy about it. I suspect they think we've encouraged her to get to know them and they aren't keen on her and are now a bit peed off with us. I've made it clear to anyone who says anything that she and I aren't great friends and that they're not to think that because she's someone I know, they need to befriend her.

It's all beginning to feel difficult. I had no idea that she was like this from our 15 years of occasional visits. If I had, I would have drifted away from the relationship and let it die. Now it's too late and she's firmly enmeshed in my life. What would you do?

Sometimes people don’t have a disorder. Sometimes they’re just dicks.

She sounds like she desperately needs friends, which is why she has moved to be close to you, I imagine she values the friendship far more than you do.

I would go down the route of 'I am so glad you moved and are settling in really well, and making lots of friends. I just wanted to say that we have have lots of commitments going forward, so we won't be able to see you 2-3 a week in the long term. I felt I should mention it, as I didn't want to upset or offend you. Looking forward to catching up over the summer, and so happy your house is all fixed up'

Fix your boundary
Do it politely
Become too busy for dinner/laundry on repeat 'we are busy that night/tonight, hope you get it sorted/enjoy dinner'
And fade out slowly but firmly

To your local friends, let them work her out but I would probably say something like 'she is not everyone's cup of tea but it felt important to at least introduce her to everyone' and then let them decide. Continue to see your own friends without her, and don't invite her to everything you do.

You did too much at the beginning, which was nice of you, but now you need to distance and use boundaries to reclaim your life.

I think you can become less available to her, that might just get you back to feeling like you used to feel about her, but please don’t tell other people to not be nice to her or that there is something wrong with her. That’s just bullying and really unnecessary. She might not be your cup of tea in large doses, but we all deserve to have friends and she might just find someone she matches better with.

The nicest thing you can do for her is just explain that the current setup feels like too much for you, and that you would like to go back to how it was before when you just saw each other very occasionally. It might help her to navigate friendships in the future too.

@midsomermurderess @Justcallmebebes

I was just thinking exactly the same thing. There are clearly a disproportionate amount of ‘narcissists’ known to the users of MN as well as a higher than average number of users qualified to diagnose! I’m surprised narcissism is not now grounds for divorce as so many on here appear to be married to one. Seriously, what happened to people just being twats, arseholes or just simply unpleasant?

I get she’s not your type of person - that’s fine. You can spend time with who you want to. But you’re being a bit odd about ‘your’ friends. They can socialise with her if they want to and if they don’t want to they can say no. It would be utterly bizarre for them to be pissed off with you in any way - it’s not your concern or your responsibility. Are you all 13 years old or something?

It's a bit Talented Mr Ripley. Or Single White Female. Hopefully she's just needy and self absorbed than anything truly malicious.

I think having an honest convo with your friends to explain the situation is best. They can make their own decisions and if they don't like her they don't have to hang out around her. Tbh I find it odd that they would feel they are expected to spend time with her because of you.....They can turn down invites can't they? And if they don't, maybe they like her more than they let on.

No more invites to her, take ages to reply to messages, and if you see her out and about, keep it short. If she wants to know why you can be honest and explain that you have a lot on at the minute, so cannot be as available. Be vague about meetups.

She clearly likes your life and lifestyle and doesn't have anything of her own - does he have a partner or other friends? Or are you and your social group her whole life?

A good lesson to never go out of your way to help people you don't know very well. She would have seen all the effort you made for her as that of a strong friendship. That kind of trust, opening up your home and social life should be earned.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Do you feel envious or put out that she sees your friends one to one without you or embarrassed and assuming she is overbearing with them?

Are you a little “over responsible” at times - maybe doing too much for her initially and now worried about how your friends feel and it’s some how your fault?

What did you expect to happen when you introduced her to your friends - did you want to remain in control or the gate-keeper - are you feeling pushed out?

I’m trying to get my head around the fact that you say she’s ‘an acquaintance’ rather then a friend, when you’ve kept in touch with her for years, hear from/contact her 2 or 3 times per year, and have her to stay every couple of years. That’s as much as I keep in touch with old friends I’m very fond of. You’d have an acquaintance staying in your house and cook them dinner a couple of times a week, @Pluvia ? What on earth do you do for your friends?

Mind you, I’m autistic, so by your standards a social disaster who’s incapable of understanding the importance of reciprocity in friendship, so what do I know.

Well that was pretty twisted/ passive aggressive wasn't it, Drinking?

You're absolutely right to feel invaded

Be honest with her if you don’t want her on your life. But it’s up to your friends (presuming they’re adults) to tell her they don’t want to be mates anymore.

In not on.

I posted before I'd finished, Drinking. We have different definitions of 'friend' and 'acquaintance', that's all. My partner and I are more sociable than you because we must have at least a hundred people who we speak to a couple of times a year and have to visit or stay over every two or three years, like the 'problem' acquaintance.

My friends are the people I speak to at least a couple of times a month: who I message most weeks, send photos to, DM on SM etc. Who, when there are problems, I may be in touch with daily. For the last six weeks we've had friends staying with us or been away staying with friends or away on a weekend break with friends. As for your question, I do all sorts of things for friends and they for me. I'm going to look after a friend's mum in her own home for a few days so that my friend can go to a family wedding in a couple of weeks' time. When we're away on holiday this summer we're friends are using our house to have a holiday. Most weeks someone pops round and has a meal with us.

Your life and boundaries are different and fine. We are all different. You are the one who called yourself a social disaster. I wouldn't have called you that.

Drinking, indeed

It certainly seems like it is time to step away from their friendships, sorry “acquaintanceship”. But you do not need to go around all your friends telling them or giving them permission to do likewise. That sounds nasty to me, they can make their own minds up. It seems a little vain to assume that your friends maintain a friendship with her purely because you introduced them and they are awaiting your permission to unfriend her.

*this friendship not “their friendship”

Have you considered that - given you do a lot of ‘assuming’ and being ‘suspicious’ and don’t seem to go out of your way to be clear unless told to be - your ‘acquaintance’ may well know just how ‘social’ you are with your ‘friends’ and thought she was one but distance hindered her being able to be take part in that level of closeness?

If she knows that that is how you behave with your friends, she may well have every expectation that that is how you’d behave with her if you’ve never actually told her she isn’t your bloody friend

I can't see how she would have any idea how we behave with friends. We hadn't seen her since 2019. Do you have acquaintances/ friends you maybe speak to a couple of times a year, exchange Christmas cards with, perhaps send birthday greetings via What's App, Beelzebub? Would you assume that if you moved to somewhere near them (without letting them know you were coming) they'd help you out with your renovations? That now you lived close by it would be okay to call several times a day for advice? That if they offered to make you supper and let you use their washing machine while your kitchen was out of action, there was no need to reciprocate — just take? That's not how you make friends. Friendship has to be earned.

The problem here OP is that it sounds like you've got a certain set of rules and boundaries set up in you mind that hasn't been communicated very well or at all.

If you've been kind to her and invited her round to your house for dinner and then invited her to meet your friends, how is she suppose to know that she must not make friends with these people independently because they're your friends?

I'm not trying to be nasty here but it seems like you've sent a strong message to her that you're open and willing to let her into your life. It'd be really interesting to hear her point of view of the situation. Maybe she can also see that your friends are nice people and wants to be a part of that.

There are two things i've learnt in my life so far:

1. Never assume you know everything about a situation

2.FFS stop internalising about the things you think are happening and instead start talking.

Sit her down and confront her, that's the only way you're going to get this sorted out. Don't for-the-love-of-god start bad mouthing her to your friends, that'll definitely come back to haunt you.

I don’t have acquaintances who come to stay for weekends. Ever. That would be reserved for friends. Good friends.

I would find your social life suffocating.

But my preferences and what I would do aren’t what you posted about (since you’re asking though, I wouldn’t behave like her, but having an acquaintance round for dinner twice a week regularly isn’t something I’d do either - I can’t fathom either of you tbh).

You said yourself that different people have different boundaries and different expectations/preferences in response to Drinking (I’m paraphrasing) and that “that’s ok”. I’m just pointing out that - that being the case - it’s entirely possible she may well consider the depth of the relationship to be deeper than you do. You’ve done nothing overt since she arrived to disabuse her of that notion, in fact you went along with it and even encouraged it, so you need to take at least some responsibility for the current situation. It needs dealing with because there’s obviously a disconnect about what this acquaintanceship is, which is causing stress all round. I just wonder whether reflecting on if this is as one-sided as you think might be worthwhile.

This is all a bit strange. OP has been quite rude to a number of posters on here when challenged, comes across as entitled and immature but the 'friend' is apparently the one with the problem.

In addition talking to her other friends about how they dont need to be nice to this 'friend', that sounds like a bullying smear campaign to me.

I wonder who it is who has the problem?

I'm afraid she's only enmeshed in your life because you have let her. Theres no way that I'd spend my weekends popping round to advise on plug sockets and stuff, it would be "I cant come round- am busy right now and am most weekends I'm afraid since its my only time off!" and on and on. I also wouldnt be cooking her meals twice a week - every single person I know who has moved house (including me) has managed to feed themselves during the process. I have my own business and family to look after and whilst its nice to be nice, you have gone above and beyond for her, almost to the point of co-dependency and now she's expecting it all the time. You talk about her boundaries but where are YOURS? noone can transgress your boundaries if you stand firm with them. Use the broken record technique if necessary where you simply repeat the same phrase over and over and over impassively to all their objections eg "I cant make it tonight- am really busy I'm afraid" etc.

Also- google the grey rock technique as this might be helpful here.

I agree with @Beelezebub

Having someone stay in your own home however infrequent and do all the things for that you have mentioned suggests a very very deep friendship. If someone did this for me I'd consider them a very dear friend not a mere acquaintance (and would be pretty devastated then to discover that's what you thought of me) as your actions don't marry up with what 99% of us would consider how someone treats a friend versus passing acquaintance at all.
So I actually think you are in the wrong here. The way you spoke about how she is now integrating into your friendship group by meeting them without you smacks of pure jealousy nothing more

And presumably @doingitforthegirls , if an acquaintance asked you to do all those things, you’d politely decline? Because they’d be, well, an acquaintance? Why would you go so far out of your way for someone who is only an acquaintance?

I don’t underestimate the effort you’ve made but I think you are overthinking it a bit now. It’s possible to say to her in a friendly way that you’re glad she’s finding her feet and making a new circle of friends, and that you will probably (definitely) be seeing less of her, now you can get your own life back - and don’t be afraid to say ‘it was so busy when we were helping you settle, but we do need a bit of space back now.’