What does love mean to you?

[BabCNesbitt]

Disclaimer: yes, I’m in therapy for this. Childhood physical and emotional abuse meant I learned early on to shut down or distract myself from uncomfortable emotions, but hey ho, that apparently means all emotions get shut down too and I spend my life mostly feeling flat and meh. The only times I’ve really felt anything intensely have been when infatuated (new relationship or unrequited) or when drunk, when I’m often either hyper or weepy.

I don’t really know what long-term love is meant to feel like. I don’t really feel anything particularly strongly about DH. I’ve read other threads on this and the descriptions often make it sound like an old pair of slippers. What does love feel like to you if you’ve been in a relationship for a few years?

Love is a feeling, Do you have kids? It feels abit like that but on a slightly lesser scale.

If you don’t have kids the best way to describe it is a physical sensation where you can feel heat on your heart or feel it “growing”. Other people describe love like caring, falling in love is feeling great care towards someone and not wanting anything to change.

it’s hard to describe love really, you just kind of know.

It is hard to describe but when I look at DH my heart feels kind of full. I can't imagine life without him.

It's different for everyone op and no one way of experiencing it is right or wrong. I would keep exploring it yourself. my experience of Mumsnet is that you'll get a load of descriptions that don't in any way compare to your experience and also don't matter and I bet they'll make you feel worse.

I asked myself that question 4 years ago after 23 years of being in an abusive marriage where love was painful most of the time. My love for my abusive ex was intense but I only felt it when we just came out of a bad phase (usually after I'd been begging for forgiveness for something he'd done and the relief of him magnanimously forgiving me was immense) and for the last 5-10 years I felt nothing at all.

I spent some time reflecting writing it down) of what I wanted it to mean to me in order to try and reframe it. This was helpful to me as I'd shut down any feelings for such a long time I didn't trust myself to know how I felt. When I had been seeing my DP for a few months and started to think I might love him I got out that list and it all applied so that's how I knew I loved him even though it felt completely different (and less intense) than how I had experienced love (desperation, co-dependence, relief) during my marriage.

Here's the list (it's saved on my phone):

We trust each other
We are a priority to each other
We want to make each other happy but not at the expense of our own
Prepared to try new things
We complement our lives, rather than complete it
We don't want to change each other
We respect each other's boundaries
We enjoy each other's company but also time to ourselves
We feel committed to each other
We are a team in good and bad
The relationship feels solid
We consider the other person when making decisions / choices

Everyone will have a different definition of love and my list today (after 3 years together) might look a little different but I still think it's a pretty good guide on what a loving relationship should be like.

When I say exploring it yourself' I mean in therapy. Wishing you the best of luck with that - it's an excellent thing to do.

What I will say (because I've discussed the same thing in therapy) is that people tell themselves things. For example I've always wondered how people are 'so sure' about relationships, so secure. My therapist rightly points out any relationship - no matter how secure someone feels - can end at any point for any reason. There is no real security, we don't know what's going to happen. You have to decide what is 'good enough' for you. People who talk about soul mates, and everlasting love and being sure their relationships will never end are just saying that - they believe it I'm sure but they don't know there might be someone 'even better' out there for them or that their partner may have a change of heart tomorrow, and you don't know what they put up with in a relationship that you wouldn't stand for.

Love and relationships are rarely comparable.

@Madickenxx What does it feel like to you now?

@Sofasogood1 I do understand that it's different for everyone - I'm just wondering what kinds of things people tend to feel, because when I look at DH, I don't really feel anything (except maybe relief if the kids have been wreaking havoc), and when I think about being together for the long term, it just feels a bit grey and meh. We don't have any shared goals (well, I don't have any goals, full stop) apart from making sure the kids are well and happy.

@HeDidWhattt I feel a warm glow when I see my DCs - is that it? Used to feel that (or the 'heart full' feeling @teaandtoastwithmarmite ) when I first got together with DH, but after a few years, it just faded to nothing. But that feeling nothing is kind of normal for me, and so I'm wondering what people do feel so that I have some idea of what I might be able to hope for after a decent amount of therapy.

The five love languages were first outlined by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. "According to Chapman, individuals have a primary and a secondary love language," Shula Melamed, MA, MPH, and well-being coach previously told Elite Daily. Once you and your partner have taken the love language quiz, based on the results, you can zero in on what types of gestures will make them feel the most appreciated.
Here's How To Make Your Partner Feel Appreciated, Because It’s So Important To Show Them (lives.dyndns.tv)

@Alex786 Isn't that just going through the motions, though, rather than feeling things?

I think we are all very different and some people feel emotions intensely generally and others are more flat. I would say I am not prone to highs and lows of emotion. I have been married for 20 years. I have a theory that LOVE is an action and not a feeling.
My DH is neuro atypical and had quite an unhappy childhood( think stately homes thread) He SHOWS me that he loves me but find it hard to say. Fortunately I am fine with this and I actually find it a bit painful when friends phone conversations are littered with ' I love you' s as it can become meaningless.
Love to me is wanting the best for someone. Looking out for them. Doing things to make their day better. Cup of coffee in the morning. Sharing our finances and trusting each other. Being accepted as I am, tired, grey haired, overweight, overworked. No judgement, but support when requested.
Interdependence is good... needing each other but in a balanced way, not one of us more dependent than the other.
Love is a bit complicated to explain as there are different types too.
As a Christian, we are taught about following forms of love...
Eros....erotic love, Agape ...God's love which is unconditional, Storge...familial love such as parent to child, Philia.... friendship love.
Some people further categorise love. It is useful to understand there are different types. Basically I would say love needs to be unselfish to be true and if you are feeling intense feelings for someone but also behaving in a way that hurts them, that is not love. You do not need to feel intense emotions to live someone but you need to want the best for them always and behave in a way that shows that.
For those of us not big on emotion, that is a comfort to me. I KNOW my DH loves me because of his he treats me and I know I love him because I can't imagine life without him, I want what is best for him and he is my best friend.

@vdbfamily So if you don't really feel anything for your DH but you do stuff because you know in the abstract that that's what they'd like, does that count? And how does that differ from good housemates or friends?

I suspect its different for everyone but for me it struck as I put their wellbeing and happiness before mine.It is obviously important that the other person does the same

Tricky question.
How do you feel when they are hurting about something?
How would you feel if you never saw them again?
How would you feel if they told you they lived someone else and were leaving you?
Sometimes, for those of USA but flat emotionally, were only really know our true feelings in extreme situations which don't happen often, fortunately.
FWIW, I do think relationships are done a disservice by Hollywood movies as most of being married and day to day life is pretty boring and humdrum.
I do remind myself sometimes that the first love type feelings are quite hard to live with long term and maybe the intensity of the so called honeymoon period is a binding thing that was never intended to be looking term, but some people need that fix regularly and so move in and out of relationships looking for the high again.
Marriage can be hard. Life can be hard. If you think about cultures other than Western, often marriage is a security , a family decision, and this is not always wrong and these marriages can be very successful and beneficial.
You say you are in counseling for previous trauma and that will affect how you feel. You may be afraid to feel emotions and fully trust for great of being crushed and hurt again. This is not to do with who you are married to.
I know it sounds a bit extreme but if you had a call now saying DH was in intensive care, fighting for his life, and may not make it through the night... would you think good riddance or would you rush to the hospital with heart in mouth, hoping he will be okay as you cannot imagine life without him?
Do you LIKE your DH? Does he make you laugh? Does the thought of walking up next to him in 10 years time make you smile or feel stressed?

@BabCNesbitt If I had to describe it in just one word, I'd say it feels like home. It's hard to explain because it's not fireworks and excitement, it's calm, steady and safe. A million miles away from my marriage and a feeling I hope I never lose.

How do you feel when they are hurting about something? Mildly anxious, vaguely guilty, frustrated that I can't do anything to stop it.

How would you feel if you never saw them again? Honestly, I don't know. A bit sad, I guess?

How would you feel if they told you they lived someone else and were leaving you? Slightly panicked about what that would mean for me and the DCs in terms of financial stability and disruption for them.

Do you LIKE your DH? Does he make you laugh? Does the thought of walking up next to him in 10 years time make you smile or feel stressed? I mean, I don't dislike him? I know in the abstract that he's a good, kind, generous person, a great dad, and he used to make me laugh (and I still make him laugh, for some reason). I don't really feel anything about waking up next to him in 10 years' time - I might feel a bit guilty that he hadn't found someone better for him. It's just all in my head, iykwim. It's a knowledge rather than a feeling.

For example I've always wondered how people are 'so sure' about relationships, so secure.

@Sofasogood1
I think feeling secure in relationships is less to do with kidding yourself that there’s no chance your partner will ever leave you, it’s about feeling secure that even if they do, you’ll get past it and be fine in the end. That means you can be comfortable trusting them when they say they love you and are committed to you, rather than always having a bit (or a lot) of anxiety lurking in the back of your mind that they might leave and you don’t know how you’ll cope with the bad feelings if they do.

For me, love has all those physical elements that people describe; the fullness in the heart, feeling soft around the eyes when I look at them, a warm glow, sometimes a feeling like you just want to breathe them in. They’re always near the front of my mind so I notice when I see something they’d like or hear something they’d be interested in. I think about them often and their concerns come into my mind too. Their happiness is as important to me as my own. I feel excited for their joys and sad at their losses. I miss them when I haven’t seen them for a while. If there’s a problem between us, I’m concerned to resolve it happily for us both.

I think the answer " I would feel guilty they had not found someone better for them" says a huge amount amount what is going on for you. I think you need to learn to love yourself. It sounds like you're husband really does love you but you think he deserves someone better.
I would focus on your counseling on accepting that you are a person worthy of loving and being loved and then you may be able to accept it.
FWIW, it sounds like you are with the right person and are unlikely to feel anything different with someone else as your lack of emotion is not because it is a bar relationship. I would hang in there and work on the emotional damage you have experienced, although I know that is not an easy thing. x

@CheekyHobson How long have you been together? I may have felt like that a bit a few years ago, but definitely not now.

I feel a bit like this. Im bored. I don’t seem to feel anything towards him. We have nothing to talk about. When I talk about anything he doesn’t seem interested so I’ve stopped trying I think. I didn’t always feel this way. I do wonder if I’m depressed as I do feel a bit flat. Love my DC though.

@vdbfamily "I would focus on your counseling on accepting that you are a person worthy of loving and being loved and then you may be able to accept it." I do know that he loves me, though; I just don't know how to tell if I love him. I don't have that feeling of 'home' or 'safety' or 'glow' that other people talk about.

Love is not a feeling, in my opinion. It is a choice.

I like this definition from the Bible.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

@VeneziaGiulia45 A choice of what? If it's a choice, doesn't that mean you could choose to love anyone? So why be with one person rather than another?

It's hard learning this from scratch as an adult, but it's possible OP. For me, it was finding someone/people who remembered what I told them and held that information with kindness and respect. Someone/people who likes me for who I am without expecting me to change. And in return I feel the same about them, taking delight in spending time with them and feeling safe and at home in their company and interested in them and their lives. My take home lesson is "love feels good, it doesn't hurt and doesn't make me doubt myself". God luck on your journey.

It feels different towards each of the people I love. The love for my children is scary. The thought of anything happening to them terrifies me. Like if I lose sight of them on the park, my heart stops and I panic. It's a fierce desire to protect. If I'm cuddling them I feel like I could eat them.
The love for my husband is intense. Just always wanting to be around him. He makes me feel warm and safe inside, and there's a sexual element mixed in.
Love for my family members I think is less intense but its a familiar feeling, enjoying being around them and sadness at the thought they won't always be around.

I swear I'm not asking this to troll! 😁But for those who say that it feels comfortable, safe, patient etc - how do you manage not to just get bored with that? After X number of years, doesn't it wear off?

I'm sure some do get bored with it. We each want different things!