What does love mean to you?

[BabCNesbitt]

Disclaimer: yes, I’m in therapy for this. Childhood physical and emotional abuse meant I learned early on to shut down or distract myself from uncomfortable emotions, but hey ho, that apparently means all emotions get shut down too and I spend my life mostly feeling flat and meh. The only times I’ve really felt anything intensely have been when infatuated (new relationship or unrequited) or when drunk, when I’m often either hyper or weepy.

I don’t really know what long-term love is meant to feel like. I don’t really feel anything particularly strongly about DH. I’ve read other threads on this and the descriptions often make it sound like an old pair of slippers. What does love feel like to you if you’ve been in a relationship for a few years?

When I don't keep a logical perspectives on love, it's a feeling that you get, about a person your happy to be in their company, enjoy long chats, have different perspectives and adventures with, have the love chemistry feelings when your apart.

Logically it's just a chemical reaction in the mind that helps to create the bond between two people.

Its very personal. For me, it's when if there were a choice, I'd rather them have happiness and good fortune than me, and I'd take their illness or pain myself if I could, rather than them suffer. Outside of my DC, and despite some very happy relationships, I've only really felt it once, and it set a high bar.

I’ve not read the replies.

I am 33 and I have been with my husband since I was 17. We have 3 children and we describe our relationship to each other as very happy. It most certainly feels that way to me.

if I could sum up one word to describe how it feels to be with my husband on a daily basis it would be ……… Easy!

loving him is very easy for me. Now why is it easy I ask? Well he’s a lovely man, he puts me and the children first. He’s kind and respectful and we have a lot of fun. We are a good team.

so yes for me long term love feels like….. being at total ease with him and with life.

@BabCNesbitt I'm single presently! But this is how love feels to me for anyone I really love – kids, parents, partner, close friends.

I’ve been with my husband for 12 years and I know I love him because when I look at him I can’t help but smile.

I know he would do anything for me and our children and we are 100% his priority. When I’m with him I feel safe.

We have a lot of similar traits, the same sense of humour and we are just so comfortable around each other.

I know I love him because if my phone rings, or bings with a text message I immediately want it to be my DH.

He always does the most sweetest things for me and every day I feel so, so lucky to have him in my life.

When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do is roll on to my side so I’m facing him and I snuggle in and he puts his arm around me and kisses the top of my head. It’s just this unconscious need to be near him.

Whenever I hear the front door open and I know it’s him I skip to the door so I can hug him.

We spend time together as a couple, we spend time together as a family and we also spend time alone. We understand that we each need periods of time on our own.

It’s love because if I’ve ever got a spare 5 minutes when I’m not with him, I phone him, not because I have anything to say but just because I like hearing his voice. He does the same to me too if he has a spare 5 minutes and we are apart.

I know I love him because I’m so content with my life, I feel safe and stable and that we have a really lovely family unit together. I can absolutely imagine us growing old together and I feel happy at the thought of it and what our future will bring.

But for those who say that it feels comfortable, safe, patient etc - how do you manage not to just get bored with that?

Your bed is safe and comfortable and reliable too, do you often get bored with your bed? Or do you mostly count on it being a place where you can enjoy being in it, and even have days you just can’t wait to get back into it?

Maybe you are looking for a relationship primarily in order to add excitement to your life or shore up your self-worth? While these are both things that a healthy and loving relationship CAN do, they’re not driving forces. Your life alone should involve excitement that you create yourself and activities that support your self-worth, and then you can bring these aspects to a relationship to share with your partner (as they will share theirs with you).

Well, I don’t have any feelings about my bed at all; it’s just there. It’s functional. Is that what one should aspire to for a long-term relationship?

“What does love feel like to you if you’ve been in a relationship for a few years?”

Also agree with PP that said love isn’t a feeling but a choice.

Feelings aren’t static. They change depending on variables like circumstances and hormones. The way I feel about DH is always changing but the fact that I choose to love him doesn’t change.

@BabCNesbitt

you should aspire for happiness and contentment in your relationship. People have described how their love feels.

Personally you just sound bored with yours. Do you ever laugh together?

People can get in the habit of blaming their childhood for allsorts of adult woes. Maybe your therapist is right and you’re just numb to everything? Or maybe you’re just bored as hell with your husband ?

me and my husband had ACEs when we were children. If anything it’s made our love more intense. We are grateful to share our lives together.

“We don't have any shared goals (well, I don't have any goals, full stop)”

Why don’t you have any goals? Why don’t you have any shared goals?

Because there’s nothing I especially want or aspire to, beyond not starving when I retire. Hence the therapy.

Does your DH have any goals?

Yeah, work-related ones, and making sure the kids do well (which I guess is a goal I have too!)

@JollyWilloughby I don’t know if I’m bored with DH or just bored generally, but I feel like I’ve been mostly bored for decades, so that’s not that different!

@BabCNesbitt

maybe see how you feel post therapy. I’ve often felt very bored with life for sure but not my husband.

My guess is that in your situation, love being a choice means that you choose to be patient while you have therapy to investigate why your initial feelings of love for your DH have faded so completely ( love is patient), that you are kind to your husband and children even while your feelings may have changed or dinished. That is enough for now

Can I ask did you feel more towards your children than you do now at any time ?

It is possible to stop loving someone and maybe you have stopped loving.your DH, or maybe you are just not the sort of person who has strong feelings in day to day life. Only you can figure that out

Well, I don’t have any feelings about my bed at all; it’s just there. It’s functional. Is that what one should aspire to for a long-term relationship?

Maybe you need a nicer bed! When I have a long, tough day, I can think quite longingly of my bed. It’s really comfortable, I’ve chosen sheets and duvets that are lovely, and I have a good reading light. When it’s raining outside at night, lying there all warm and comfortable and reading is a real pleasure. It’s functional, yes, but it’s also pleasurable. (Depending on what you’re doing in bed, it can also be quite exciting.) It’s not an either/or situation. I do think healthy long-term relationships are often like that.

“beyond not starving when I retire”
“work-related ones, and making sure the kids do well (which I guess is a goal I have too!)”

These all are financially related and if money is tight than I completely understand how it might feel redundant to dream of anything different.

But if it’s not the case, than for a start buy yourself a new bed.
One that does make you feel something.
A great pillow that feels like heaven when you lay your head down. Sheets that are beautiful and feel luxurious. Wash your sheets in a fragrance that smells amazing.
Choose to make your bed a starting point for something to be excited about, something that you look forward to jumping into at the end of a long day.

@CheekyHobson

After spending 4 nights in a caravan I completely agree re: the bed 😂.

It was SO good getting into my own bed last night.

@Madickenxx sums it up with regards to a partner. Children, it just is ..... mine are grown now but I love them immeasurably and feel their pain.
I've always loved my parents and grandparents. And friends.
It's a feeling that your life would be so much worse if they weren't around. Your heart aches if they're in pain or trouble.