Sexual intensity in toxic relationships - Trigger Warning

[hb76h]

Name change but I'm an active poster.

I have gone through which I now know to be several rapes and sexual assaults in my teen years.

I have long term mental health issues due to trauma and any relationships I've had have been anything between unhappy to seriously abusive. I understand I have made bad decisions when it comes to partners due to low self esteem/a desire to be loved.

Please bear with me as I'm struggling to articulate myself!

I have always had a difficult relationship with sex. When I was younger I basically let anyone do what they wanted with me, then once I started adult long term relationships I did enjoy sex but I would zone out so there wasn't any intimacy, almost as if I was there myself (I hope this makes sense!)

With my third long term relationship I did feel very comfortable in this way and for the first time, I felt connected with someone during the act. This was 8 years ago and there have been domestic incidents, cheating (not on my part) and basically a whole load of stress.

However, and this is why I'm posting, I cannot fully let this person go even though they make me feel bad. The sexual chemistry is like nothing I've ever experienced before. I feel absolutely addicted. He could do anything and I would still want to sleep with him.

I am starting to realise that this might just be another way of my previous trauma playing out. Is this a 'thing'? I've never felt so safe in that way with someone before but they also regularly put me down and lie to me.

Why do I feel like this? I find it so hard starting a new sexual relationship because of my distrust, so why do I feel the way I do about someone who treats me so badly?

I wasn't sure whether to write this part so I apologise but I really would like some advice so want to be completely honest ... after he is nasty to me or messages another woman etc I feel extremely turned on (after the initial upset). I know there is something wrong with me but I don't think I realised how bad it was.

I am on the waiting list for trauma counselling and can't afford private. I am almost 40 and don't know what a healthy relationship is. Everyone IRL thinks I'm a normal person and have no idea how mentally messed up I am (well, I couple know about my mental health but not the extent).

I just want to be normal. I've no idea what I am even looking for from this post. The realisation that I haven't actually moved forward with regards to my feelings around sex (and just adopted a different unhealthy pattern) has really upset me.

I want to cut the man out my life but due to circumstances I would still have to see him at times. It's like I cannot resist and yet I know it's wrong and hurting me.

Please be gentle, I am feeling extremely vulnerable and confused.

I know there is something wrong with me

Get rid rid rid of this thought. There's nothing wrong with you. You've been conditioned to feel this way. Anybody who had been put through the same things as you would be responding the way you do, now.

You are completely normal. You need re-conditioning, that's all. That's what the counselling will help you do.

Are you sure, as well, that you haven't moved forward? Your self awareness is very high, you're in a really good place to start your counselling when it becomes available... didn't reaching this level of self awareness take effort and introspection? Wasn't it hard to realise the things you've realised? You don't seem to be in any state of denial at all, and that's a big achievement in itself... can you not go a bit easier on yourself? Just because you haven't got everything how you want it yet, doesn't mean you're not moving forwards.

@Watchkeys

Your post made me cry! I am so grateful for your response.

I thought I had progressed and I think this new realisation has just thrown me. I suppose I just feel like, I'm a grown woman so why can't I be stronger and just get my shit together?

I really, really want the counselling. I think I'll contact a free helpline in the meantime because I cannot continue like this.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a kind response.

So sorry to bump my own post, I was just wondering if anyone else has ever felt similar? And if so, how did you get through it?

Op
Yes I'm in a similar place to you . We parted company 3 years ago and I still can't move on or let go . I've tried to move on and had a few very unsatisfying / sometimes probably risky encounters with other men that just leave me feeling worse .

I am also in a waiting list for counselling. I think I trauma bonded. I'd got pg and then found the baby had a chromosome disorder and he didn't want to continue and common sense told me not to .

I can't imagine I'm ever going to feel the same about anyone else . He's moved on .
I'm just stuck .

@stillvicarinatutu I'm so sorry you feel that way x

I have saw the man in question as recently as last week. We actually had a planned dinner tomorrow but with the way he has been speaking to me and my 'realisation' I will not be going with him. I was thinking of getting dressed up and going myself instead of sitting at home myself ruminating...is that weird? I've never been anywhere on my own.

He is the only person who makes me feel bad and yet I still want to 'be' with him (to put it politely) but not actually BE with him in a relationship. I haven't been with anyone else all these years and the thought terrifies me. I definitely think some sort of trauma bonding. He is the only person never to have pushed me to do something sexually so, despite how awful he can be at times, I think he can't be that bad when he's the only one who has respected my boundaries in that area.

He was actually recently talking about moving back in together and having another baby but I am almost certain his reasons are to make sure I can't move on and I'm 'trapped' at home for longer. I didn't reply to either of these suggestions I must add.

It's so difficult trying to work this all out and I don't have any family support. I also know he will make my life as difficult as he can if I stick with not seeing him again.

I'm so confused as to why I still have this strong sexual attraction to someone who makes me feel like shit.

@stillvicarinatutu I'm also so sorry what happened during your pregnancy, do you have support now? x

Hi OP I understand bits of this, I certainly think if you are predisposed in some way it’s easy to get this very strong attraction to bad men.

I had a boyfriend once who treated me with nothing but contempt but I found the intimacy of the sex somehow addictive. I don’t think it was a real intimacy from him, or if it was it was based on a thrill he got of me being so open and willing. Not equal.

One way I’ve thought about it that has helped is that all of those strong feelings and bonding urges are you! A sign you are not broken and that you can and want strongly to connect. That’s your positive energy and emotional reserve you can feel, not his. You just need to find someone who treats you right to attach it to.

Hugs OP, this stuff is hard.

I also meant to say I read a book called Women Who Love Too Much and it helped

@orangebasin One way I’ve thought about it that has helped is that all of those strong feelings and bonding urges are you! A sign you are not broken and that you can and want strongly to connect. That’s your positive energy and emotional reserve you can feel, not his. You just need to find someone who treats you right to attach it to.

I love this! Thank you so much x

I'm so confused as to why I still have this strong sexual attraction to someone who makes me feel like shit.

A form of self harm maybe?

@WildBlueAndDitzy Yes, I think you might be right. I don't look after myself in other ways either if I'm being honest.

I don't really see friends anymore unless it's superficially (ie quick hello, how's the family? Etc.) and the ones I had years ago have also turned out to be quite toxic. I think I was such a people pleaser I didn't realise or maybe I've made excuses in the hope of having some sort of close bond.

But then, how unlucky could you be that most people you've met in 40 years aren't very nice to you? There must be something I am doing wrong. I try to be nice, I do charity work and I would help anyone (or so I think) but no one is THAT nice so maybe I am being insincere and trying to act like a martyr? I might have brought some things on myself, I am certainly not perfect.

Aaahhh, it's so exhausting constantly arguing in my own head.

I admire your honesty OP. I've felt similar but never really been able to articulate it. The sexual chemistry with my ex is something I've never experienced before or since. Even though I absolutely didn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore and knew he was bad for me, I still craved him physically. It's a very frustrating feeling! It kept me in a very unhappy situation much longer than I needed to be. I couldn't bear the thought of him with someone else - still can't in fact. I'm usually a fairly rational person but not with him. Sorry I have no advice but I hope you get some and shall be following along, until then I'm off to Google trauma bonding!

You mentioned he's the only person who has never pushed you to do sexual things you didn't want to. I'd say that's massive. No matter how awful he is to you in other ways, you feel safe with him in a sexual setting because you know he isn't about to rape or assault you. I don't think it's surprising that you don't want to let that go if this is the only person you've ever experienced it with.

It's not entirely a negative though (imo), it's a positive too because that's one quality that you definitely want in a partner. Now you're starting to understand it a bit, you just need to bring the bar a higher so that it only includes people who treat you well in every way, not just in the bedroom. Please don't feel hopeless or abnormal though, you really aren't

Op right now I cannot get out of bed . It's been 3 bloody years since my ex and I we're together.

I've been reckless. Tried to re create the feeling with sex with strangers. Obviously not worked.
I'm off work right now . No reason to get up . So I don't .

Reframe your life - not that there is something wrong with you, but what have you been through.

Sexual chemistry is like a drug- you need to warn yourself off him.

It’s totally normal to feel sexually attracted to someone you’ve had good sex with - even if they treat you like shit in other aspects of the relationship. If sexual attraction switched off as soon as a guy treated a woman badly, relationships would be far simpler. It’s just not how it works.

I would echo what some others have said. You might be further along than you realise, because you're aware of what he's doing to you and that you're addicted, despite knowing it's massively unhealthy. You're not 'broken'. You've just got some things that need to be re-wired.

Although you're on the waiting list for trauma counselling, why not chat again to your GP. You could say (in all honesty) that you're being pulled into an emotionally toxic relationship and really need help urgently. Good friend of mine was acting in risky ways due to past trauma and when she explained to GP, she got fast-tracked. Might be worth a shot!

Good sex is a bad reason to stay with someone who’s treated you badly, which your ex clearly has.

You are not powerless to resist him!

You can make positive changes before addressing other things, eg your past and how this affects you now.

it sounds like he’s the father of your DC, so you need to interact with him, but you can minimise it.

if he’s not your DC’s father, minimal contact should be easier.

For some people stress can make them feel horny, maybe this could this be what you're experiencing after your initial upset rather than it being strictly about him at all? Or a mix of the two even.

Thank you everyone.

Well the fool that I am went out with him last night.

He headbutted me.

Honestly, how little respect for myself do I have that I allow these things to happen? I don't even feel anything!

I read peoples replies on other posts and agree with them, I even give an OP advice and tell her x,y,z is abusive/report them/you deserve better.

It's almost laughable. Someone give me a shake! How on earth do I get out of this ridiculous mindset? Rhetorical question, I know it's only me that can change it. I just don't know how. Thanks to the PP that suggested I tell my GP and hopefully get fast tracked. I just don't understand how I can be aware but still be involved in it??? When people are faced with abusive behaviour they often don't see how bad it is (through absolutely no fault of their own). I see it and still don't do anything about it.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a pity post, it's not meant to be I just needed an outlet to get my thoughts out.

Hi, yes we were alone. He's admitted it through text so I know I could escalate it but I'm not going to.

I'm fine (thank you so much for asking) and I suppose that's part of the problem. Why am I fine? Why am I not upset? Sorry, I'm sure I am coming across as frustrating - I'm frustrating myself! I just don't understand my own feelings and I suppose me posting is to see if I'm not alone in them. Selfishly it would make me feel better.

I did not request a removal of my post .

I have know idea how that happened.
I asked if @hb76h was ok and if they were alone .

PM is not working. You might have a name change fail @hb76h

I would guess that you crave the safety that he makes you feel sexually while at the same time on some level believing you deserve the abuse. Maybe that's why you don't feel upset. Oh be aware though that he's not offering you something special sexually, just the most very, very basic thing that you should absolutely be able to expect from any relationship. You haven't had that before though so presumably it feels quite magical even though it really shouldn't. It should just be a given that your boundaries will be respected and you won't be pushed into things you don't want to do.

It sounds also like your boundaries have been so disrespected in the past, and have been so eroded over time that you no longer really know where your boundaries lie or what they should be. That makes you extremely vulnerable.

I don't know what the answer is or what will make you stop doing what you are doing to yourself but I'm worried you're going to end up dead if you don't escape this man OP - and i'm worried that escaping may also be dangerous. I wish you would report this to the police but at the very least please photograph, save and catalogue everything - you might not do anything with it today but that evidence could be really important at some point.

Have you tried contacting Woman's aid or any other charities about this? Please look afetr yourself OP.