Sexual intensity in toxic relationships - Trigger Warning

[hb76h]

Name change but I'm an active poster.

I have gone through which I now know to be several rapes and sexual assaults in my teen years.

I have long term mental health issues due to trauma and any relationships I've had have been anything between unhappy to seriously abusive. I understand I have made bad decisions when it comes to partners due to low self esteem/a desire to be loved.

Please bear with me as I'm struggling to articulate myself!

I have always had a difficult relationship with sex. When I was younger I basically let anyone do what they wanted with me, then once I started adult long term relationships I did enjoy sex but I would zone out so there wasn't any intimacy, almost as if I was there myself (I hope this makes sense!)

With my third long term relationship I did feel very comfortable in this way and for the first time, I felt connected with someone during the act. This was 8 years ago and there have been domestic incidents, cheating (not on my part) and basically a whole load of stress.

However, and this is why I'm posting, I cannot fully let this person go even though they make me feel bad. The sexual chemistry is like nothing I've ever experienced before. I feel absolutely addicted. He could do anything and I would still want to sleep with him.

I am starting to realise that this might just be another way of my previous trauma playing out. Is this a 'thing'? I've never felt so safe in that way with someone before but they also regularly put me down and lie to me.

Why do I feel like this? I find it so hard starting a new sexual relationship because of my distrust, so why do I feel the way I do about someone who treats me so badly?

I wasn't sure whether to write this part so I apologise but I really would like some advice so want to be completely honest ... after he is nasty to me or messages another woman etc I feel extremely turned on (after the initial upset). I know there is something wrong with me but I don't think I realised how bad it was.

I am on the waiting list for trauma counselling and can't afford private. I am almost 40 and don't know what a healthy relationship is. Everyone IRL thinks I'm a normal person and have no idea how mentally messed up I am (well, I couple know about my mental health but not the extent).

I just want to be normal. I've no idea what I am even looking for from this post. The realisation that I haven't actually moved forward with regards to my feelings around sex (and just adopted a different unhealthy pattern) has really upset me.

I want to cut the man out my life but due to circumstances I would still have to see him at times. It's like I cannot resist and yet I know it's wrong and hurting me.

Please be gentle, I am feeling extremely vulnerable and confused.

You need to be in touch with women's aid OP, you need to join their programs and talk to them and surround yourself with people who know right from wrong and who are on a similar journey to yourself. You need to learn to respect yourself.

I think it would help if you could admit to yourself that you're not well enough to be dating right now. With anyone. Just take men out of the equation as anything other than friends. I know you're not ill exactly but your behaviour isn't healthy either. I know when alcoholic or addict is going through their journey to be clean and sober they're not supposed to date. I think it's the same for you. You need to figure yourself out before you add another person into the mix. So it's not breaking up with him for any reason about him or his behaviour, it's choosing to be single and not date because that's what's healthiest for you right now.

Also sex creates hormones I think that bonds you to someone, maybe that's just for women I'm not sure, but I don't think you're going to "see" him clearly until you stop having sex with him and get him totally out of your life.

See it as an exercise in willpower, to choose to not act on your feelings. Like when people choose not to eat cake because they want to lose weight. It's an exercise in self care.