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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Soulmate not reciprocated

28 replies

GeoBasket · 20/04/2022 16:04

If you tell your DP (LTR) they are your soulmate and they don't reciprocate, what next? Something brought it up and he enjoyed joking about the topic, I didn't want to talk about it because I felt a bit ridiculed and I tried to steer it away but he asked me outright if I thought he was mine. I said yes. That was the end of the conversation. He has had opportunity to say it back but hasn't. If he doesn't believe in it, that's fine but why force the conversation in that case? He would 100% have known what my answer was before he asked. I'm devastated that we clearly don't feel the same way about each other when I thought we did. If he doesn't believe in soulmates why not just say that? But I've been left hanging and licking my wounds. Like saying I love you for the first time and not hearing it back. This isn't about if soulmates exist, my question is where do we go if we don't feel the same about each other? It feels very unequal all of a sudden.

OP posts:
parietal · 20/04/2022 16:06

so ask him if he does think soulmates exist, and what he thinks that means.

maybe he just doesn't put much weight on that particular word.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 20/04/2022 16:08

Just talk to him. Probably he finds the concept a bit silly but didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying so.

knittingaddict · 20/04/2022 16:10

So he asked you, you said yes and then silence from him? Honestly I don't like the sound of it. It sounds like he set you up only to humiliate you. I'm assuming there are other issues in this relationship.

Aprilx · 20/04/2022 16:10

I don’t think it is the same as not getting I love you back. Hard to really comment on this as there is no way of knowing whether he does or doesn’t feel the same way. You say it isn’t about whether soulmates exist or not, but it kind of is.

knittingaddict · 20/04/2022 16:11

Actually re-reading your post I'm unsure about how the conversation went. Can you clarify?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2022 16:12

He sounds like a jerk.

Original poster
GeoBasket · 20/04/2022 16:15

There haven't been other issues which is why I'm so surprised by this. Yes, it felt like I was set up to be humiliated or caught out by being asked outright and then silence. I'm upset because that felt cruel, and because it wasn't reciprocal.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeoBasket · 20/04/2022 16:45

I just feel really stupid like I got it all wrong.

OP posts:
pictish · 20/04/2022 16:51

It depends…I wouldn’t tell anyone that they are my ‘soulmate’ because I’m not sure what the connotations are. If it means the partner I am happy to settle down and live life with, then I suppose…but if it it’s referring to some fate-driven astral coupling or a meeting of spirits or something then I’m gonna blow you off with a funny look.

Original poster
GeoBasket · 20/04/2022 17:08

I know it's a divisive topic, and some people think it's codswallop and others believe in it wholeheartedly. To me it means everything has fallen into place and feels right, like it is meant to be. That the person is the one for you, more so than anyone gone before or still out there. I'd never felt like this before. He knew this. I am very sensitive and I know this, which is why I don't know if I'm overreacting. I feel like I must have got it totally wrong for him to be cruel about it, going out of his way to make me say the words then not respond himself. It felt like he was going to say it back but didn't, so it was in hindsight goading me and it's making me question if we should be together if we don't feel the same about each other. I don't want to accept less than I'm offering in a relationship. This is a whole new side to him, and I'm confused and hurt. And feel foolish.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeoBasket · 20/04/2022 17:12

And to be clear, I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't plan a conversation around it like I was happily making a major declaration. He pushed the conversation and then asked me questions about my beliefs then asked me outright if I thought he was my soulmate. I was too stunned at his reaction to pursue it further.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/04/2022 17:15

I'd suggest that if you're posting on the internet for strangers to help and support you here, rather than being comfortable broaching the issue with him, he's not your soulmate, and there are other issues in the relationship which you haven't identified.

Whether the word 'soulmate' means anything or not, you'd be going to him and talking about it if the relationship was healthy.

Original poster
GeoBasket · 20/04/2022 17:19

I do see your point, but doesn't that logic apply to everyone that posts on this board? I am going to talk to him, but I wanted to know what others thought, and I am working out how I feel before I talk to him. I wanted perspective on whether I am too sensitive or overreacting.

OP posts:
Hope90x · 20/04/2022 17:27

I'm shocked that your immediate reaction, after answering his question, was not to say "Why? Do you think I'm your soulmate?"

Surely that would have given you the straight answer?

I couldn't sit and stew on that OP, better to ask outright if it's something that holds meaning for you.

Tagliatellme · 20/04/2022 17:27

My DH has said I'm his soulmate a number of times. I think it's a load of nonsense so I never say it back. I do however love him wholeheartedly and am very happy in our relationship. Maybe he didn't reply because he's the same at me? He could have been curious about what you thought - I think I've asked DH about the idea as it's such an alien concept to me.

Original poster
GeoBasket · 20/04/2022 17:30

Thank you for all the replies by the way, all perspectives welcome and are helpful.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/04/2022 17:33

GeoBasket · 20/04/2022 17:19

I do see your point, but doesn't that logic apply to everyone that posts on this board? I am going to talk to him, but I wanted to know what others thought, and I am working out how I feel before I talk to him. I wanted perspective on whether I am too sensitive or overreacting.

Yes, the logic does apply to everyone who posts on this board. People with healthy relationships and healthy communication styles don't need other perspectives on whether what they feel is ok or not.

The healthy thing is to realise that there are no rules or guidelines when it comes to emotions. There is no judgment on how you feel that means more than your own judgment. Recognising that you can't change how you feel, and respecting that, is the definition of self respect.

If you're in a relationship where you feel you may be told you're 'over-sensitive', then you're worried that you are too sensitive for your partner's preference, rather than objectively over-sensitive. There is no 'correct level' of sensitivity. Some of us are sensitive to one thing, some of us to another; these differences are what make us who we are, and distinguish us from other people. If you need reassurance from strangers that your individuality in this respect isn't 'too' something, then you're not accepting and respecting yourself.

Do you think you're being too sensitive, or over-reacting, when you have a proper look at how you feel about this, deep down? Or do you feel justified, that he has done something that upset you, and that's a valid feeling to have?

Original poster
GeoBasket · 20/04/2022 17:45

Thank you. I need to have a long think about this. I am naturally very insecure. But had felt much more confident the last few years so this has really pulled the rug from under me. I had no doubts. Now I have many.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/04/2022 17:48

I am naturally very insecure

Nobody is naturally insecure. You're conditioned. Were your parents respectful of each other's feelings when you were growing up? Were they respectful of your feelings? You've learned to minimise how you feel somewhere along the line.

Hope90x · 20/04/2022 17:52

@GeoBasket if you feel very insecure then I would suggest you just ask him outright. There is no shame in it, particularly as he asked you first
His answer will tell you what you need to know.

I can relate to the insecurities, thankfully my husband is a saint and will answer my "random" questions with a smile and without so much as a "why do you ask". He knows I often dwell on things and ask questions when I've "processed"

AgentJohnson · 20/04/2022 18:16

To me it means everything has fallen into place and feels right, like it is meant to be.

Do you really believe this or do you really want to believe this?

There appears to be a number of issues which suggest the latter.

What are the ‘issues’ you mentioned earlier up thread?

Original poster
GeoBasket · 20/04/2022 18:27

There haven't been any other issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeoBasket · 20/04/2022 18:29

I hadn't felt like this about anyone before, this is my definition of soulmate having experienced it with him. It felt wonderful. I feel really really stupid now.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeoBasket · 20/04/2022 18:30

I will discuss it with him, but I'm not sure I'm ready yet.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/04/2022 18:36

GeoBasket · 20/04/2022 18:29

I hadn't felt like this about anyone before, this is my definition of soulmate having experienced it with him. It felt wonderful. I feel really really stupid now.

Then your definition of 'soulmate' is actually wrapped up with self perception. 'You love me, therefore I am', that sort of thing. That's not love, it's ego.

If you loved and respected yourself, your need for him would be less, and you wouldn't have him on the soulmate pedestal.