Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

New relationship... Adoption.... should I wait

34 replies

Nothernsoulfood · 20/04/2022 14:45

Really after some options.

I have become friends with a wonderful woman who is currently going through the adoption process and is hoping to get a placement within the next six months. She has been single for a long time and is now in her early 40s and has taken the wonderful decision to adopt.

She is hoping that the placement of a daughter will commence in the next six months.

I have known her about a year through the gym and in the last month we have gone out s lot socially as in just the two of us and we text all the time. There is chemistry there and she has said this.

TBH, I am falling for her hard, we have a lot in common and I would love to date her. I have kids already who are teenagers.

Thing is it feels wrong place wrong time. I don't think she is allowed to go from single to a relationship while the adoption is going through and when the daughter is placed she will need to devote time to her. If we were together I am of course ready to support this.

Thing is should I tell her how I feel. She is amazing but it just feels wrong to be saying something.

She has also told me she has never had a long term relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nothernsoulfood · 20/04/2022 15:40

Hopefully that rambling made sense

OP posts:

steppemum · 20/04/2022 15:56

I think you are right that there is a lot of wrong time wrong place here.

If she starts a relationship with you that will stop the adoption. You would then need to be vetted for adoption, and it is likely that they would make her wait until you have been together for a couple of years.

A lot will depend on how she feels about you, and if she is willing to risk loosing the girl she is trying to adopt.

If I were in her shoes, I would want you to be a friend for the next 2 years and then think about more.

Sorry I know that is hard to hear

HazelBite · 20/04/2022 16:31

I think she will need a lot of emotional support if she adopts (you really cannot imagine how much) I also think you can't make any decisions about your rellationship it is very much a "play it by ear" scenario.
The adoption may be really sucessful it may not work out at all, but for the moment all her emotional energy will be going into the adoption.
There are a lot of unknowns here, my advice is don't make any decisions in the short term wait and see how things pan out.

SmallElephants · 20/04/2022 16:37

Sounds like she hasn’t been matched with a child yet? My advice is tell her how you feel. Talk about it. If you wait until she is being matched with a child then there is no way you can say or do anything at all for years, perhaps never. She needs to be able to make an informed choice now.

Sortilege · 20/04/2022 16:39

Tell her what you’ve told us.

It does sound complex, but if she feels the same, maybe you could put a pin in it and continue platonically for now?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2022 16:40

She has also told me she has never had a long term relationship.

Why do you think this is? Has she spoken about it?

AlternativePerspective · 20/04/2022 16:47

Is this a child who is known to her that she is adopting? Because IIRC the time between panel is generally a much shorter one than 6 months.

So has she actually been to panel? Does she know that it’s a little girl? Or is this just hope on her part at the moment?

AlternativePerspective · 20/04/2022 16:52

sorry, I can only seem to post a couple of sentences at a time thanks to this bloody update….

Anyway what I was going to say is that the adoption process is incredibly difficult, and tbh the fact that she has never had a long-term relationship would ring alarm bells for me as it is. I would steer clear personally.

AxolotlEars · 20/04/2022 17:03

I have been involved in the fostering and adoption world for 30 years. I couldn't advise you that getting involved at this stage was wise. To be in a committed relationship together and decide to move forward into adoption is one thing....a very, very, very hard thing.

Original poster

Nothernsoulfood · 20/04/2022 17:04

Yes she has been to the matching panel and been matched with a three year old girl. There are some issues with the local authority which are delaying things.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nothernsoulfood · 20/04/2022 17:05

She told me. We were talking about past relationships.

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 20/04/2022 17:05

The pessimist in me is emerging just based on the fact that she's mid-adoption and has never experienced a long-term relationship. This is not a negative in the least for her but could very well be for you. Getting into a relationship with someone who hasn't navigated a long-term relationship and is now about to navigate new parenthood and all that comes with that (AND adoption) is just a perfect storm, my heart says. Sorry. It's not what you want to hear. But to me, this is an 'I guess I'll see you next lifetime' scenario. 🙁

Original poster

Nothernsoulfood · 20/04/2022 17:06

AxolotlEars · 20/04/2022 17:03

Thanks, would it stop the process if she entered into a relationship after matching but before she has the girl

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 20/04/2022 18:46

If she's taking the adoption seriously, she won't entertain a relationship at this time, as her focus will be on the child.

If she's not serious about the adoption, do you really want a relationship with someone who would not be putting the child first at this time?

If you want to tell her you're interested in her romantically, then yes, there's no problem with that. Just don't expect 'results'.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 20/04/2022 18:49

Thanks, would it stop the process if she entered into a relationship after matching but before she has the girl

almost definitely
this is one you really should leave well alone IMO. She really doesn't need you complicating matters with your feelings.

NewandNotImproved · 20/04/2022 19:30

You’d be willing to risk her adoption process being cancelled/postponed for your own wants?
As others have said, dating someone who’s never had a relationship before whilst they’re also dealing with the huge life change of having a traumatised kid in their life sounds like an utter disaster. Asking a woman to give up her adoption journey just to date you is quite a leap.

Sylfia · 20/04/2022 21:14

When you think about it - and please don't take this as a reflection on you - she has presumably told assessors she isn't looking for a relationship right now and has never had one long term. In the short period of time between confirmation that she'll adopt a three year old girl, certainly there's a man who hasn't declared his interest before and can't wait long enough for the adoption to go through?
There's a vulnerable child here, OP. They'll have to consider whether you could be a predator. If you decide to declare your attraction to her, do so in full knowledge that the process would have to be suspended. You can still tell her of course but you both need to face that from the start.

fishingforflies · 20/04/2022 21:42

You might want a fling or even a relationship with her.

She might not.

The stage and point she is in in her life is incredibly critical, your timing could not be much worse so I would say anything and remain her friend.

The fact she has never had a long term romantic relationship but is ready to adopt a child alone shows her commitment to adoption and I doubt she would entertain trying to date you at this point in time.

fishingforflies · 20/04/2022 21:42

I wouldn't say anything

AxolotlEars · 20/04/2022 21:51

Nothernsoulfood · 20/04/2022 17:06

Thanks, would it stop the process if she entered into a relationship after matching but before she has the girl

Show quote history

I don't know the answer to it for definite...someone else may. The person she would need to ask is her social worker.

PeachesToday · 20/04/2022 22:45

She’s a grown woman so give her the respect she deserves and simply talk to her. Let her make the decision.

Ted27 · 21/04/2022 11:31

Speaking as a single adopter - please leave well alone. If placement is imminent there is no role for you at this time, beyond that of a supportive friend. She really won't have time or energy to think about a new relationship. Her whole life is about to be turned upside down and she will have a traumatised 3 year old to deal with.

If it were me, I really wouldn't have appreciated the additional emotional burden of dealing with your feelings.
Maybe a year or so down the line, but not now

Ted27 · 21/04/2022 11:41

and yes it would stop the placement is she were to start a relationship with the you now.
She has been assessed, approved and matched as a single adopter, not as part of a couple.
You would have to be assessed as well. Social workers look for stability in relationships, ie a committed long term relationship, not two people who have just started dating.
she would lose this child as they won't keep her waiting for a family.

HollowTalk · 21/04/2022 12:08

I would continue to be a good friend to her - she will need that support - but I wouldn't think of a relationship with her for the next couple of years at least.

Incapacitated · 21/04/2022 12:12

I would remain a friend until the adoption is settled and established. Otherwise you could cost her her chance of being a mum.

If it's right you can wait.

You will sabotage the whole process if you put her in a position where she has to involve you now since you're not approved either individually or together and you don't have an established relationship.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread