New relationship... Adoption.... should I wait

[Nothernsoulfood]

Really after some options.

I have become friends with a wonderful woman who is currently going through the adoption process and is hoping to get a placement within the next six months. She has been single for a long time and is now in her early 40s and has taken the wonderful decision to adopt.

She is hoping that the placement of a daughter will commence in the next six months.

I have known her about a year through the gym and in the last month we have gone out s lot socially as in just the two of us and we text all the time. There is chemistry there and she has said this.

TBH, I am falling for her hard, we have a lot in common and I would love to date her. I have kids already who are teenagers.

Thing is it feels wrong place wrong time. I don't think she is allowed to go from single to a relationship while the adoption is going through and when the daughter is placed she will need to devote time to her. If we were together I am of course ready to support this.

Thing is should I tell her how I feel. She is amazing but it just feels wrong to be saying something.

She has also told me she has never had a long term relationship.

And yes it will completely stop the process for her for a long time.

Whatever she may or may not feel for you, declaring your feelings at this time will ruin everything because it would be impossible for both the potential relationship and the hoped-for adoption to succeed so either way one or the other will get destroyed.

A 3yo adoptee is likely to have significant needs which could be unlike anything that you have encountered with your own children. What your friend needs now is friends that she can lean on, not the emotional rollercoaster of a potential new lover and a first foray into a long term relationship. So declaring your feelings would be a very selfish thing to do.

If you can be a friend to her without any expectation or hope that it might ever be something more then carry on being her friend. If you can't do this it would be better to cut ties altogether. If in 3 or 4 years time you still feel the same way and the little girl has settled well into the adoption then it would be ok to explore whether a relationship is possible, but she may consider herself asexual/happily celibate and just not be interested in that kind of thing.

As another adopter, I completely agree with Ted. Now is not the time for making waves. Stay as a supportive friend, and then if you still feel the same in say 18 months then tell her.

She will know precisely what she can and can’t do as part of the process

if she wants to be deceitful to the process and start a relationship with you - well, you know what she’s like

if she shares your feelings but circumstances don’t permit anything developing for the time being, then be patient or move on

in short - allow her to make her decision

don’t tell her

it’s likely that the issues the 3yo will have will be more serious than any you’ve previously seen

a 3yo is hard work even when you have given birth to him/her and been at the parenting lark for 3years.

All those saying not to tell her or create waves

if she is so easily swayed and distracted, is adoption really right for her?

I think it's just 'don't stick your oar in, it'll just be in the way and you won't be able to move it anyway'. Perhaps like not offering chocolate to someone who's on a diet, not because they'll say yes, but because it just muddies the water for them.

Adopting as a massively emotional time. It isn't fair to add an unnecessary distraction. It will potentially load up emotions. What good can come of it?

• she doesn't reciprocate - so loses someone who could have been an emotionally supportive friend to her during the process


• she feels the same - but can't act right now without messing up the adoption - now she feels torn / guilty, and is worried about continuing contact incase the SWs get the wrong end of the stick

The OP needs to leave well alone until she and the child are settled, adoption order in place.

Adoption can be right even if you can't cope with too much. We turned down one match because DH's father had just passed away. We weren't in the right headspace.

@Itshonestlynotthathard

nothing would have swayed me at this stage of the adoption process.

However I could have done without someone else dumping their emotions on me. I really had enough to deal with, I didn't need the burden of carrying someone else's hopes or being put in a position where I would hurt them by saying no